I'm giving a talk tomorrow. I do this relatively often. It doesn't bother me at this point in my life. The difference is at the end of this talk instead of polite but disinterested applause, I find out if the state of Michigan is going to give me $220,000. Kind of anxiety-producing, but in a fun sort of way. They're giving me 20 min to barf my pitch on them, so that's kind of like $11,000/minute.
It isn't. It's for a separate venture involving some patents that mk and I hold regarding treatment of brain injuries with a stem cell-derived product. It's related to FL in that they're both stem cell-based products, but distinct in its aim, timeline, etc. Definitely the most consequential single public speaking event I've ever been part of. I have the sense that the money is ours to lose, so that's good. But I won't be taking full breaths until it's over. Didn't sleep at all last night.
Bad body day, holding on to 7 pounds of water which all seems to have accumulated in my torso. Yay for being young and having a robust and springy vasculature that stops me from developing leg edema. If I'm being grateful, I'm going to be grateful for the fact that my feet still fit in my shoes, which can be a problem for some.
Good brain day though. It's not perfect, but day by day I seem to be hammering out a way to not constantly be tearing myself down.
Gratitude, gratitude, gratitude. Seems to be the antidote to a lot of very negative thinking.
thank fuck for the new year breathing some new motivation into some people. I finally had a sitdown with the new National Security Coordinator for the govt and she's trying to light a fire under everyone's asses and it's awesome. it's also going to be interesting to watch the gender dynamic play against the already weird political inertia and masculinity. some of my male colleagues have already told me they think she talks too much. i think they talk over her too much. stay tuned.
also we're supposed to get polar weather this weekend to the tune of -24C/-40F...
also also here's a silly blog i wrote about my struggles with acquiring fuckin hot fresh chocolate chip cookies
i wish i was better at updating it. my mom was breathing down my neck all october/november for not posting...
I said something along those lines and received a tut-tut response. nbd. this is why i don't write for money. not great with deadlines on self reflective pieces :)
first of all get at least one good knife, and a honing steel. your fingers will thank you.
Next time you make cookies instead of trying to chunk up the chocolate, if you scrape the top of it you can get shavings, which may work a lot better. just a thought? probably way less time consuming.
it wound up being a mix of shavings and chunks. a good knife is definitely on the shopping list though.
no i was more bewildered that it took me so many months to find measuring cups?? i was so certain it was a scheme by all the bakeries here to keep people from making their own baked goods. and then when i found them i did a little dance right there in the aisle i was so surprised
Back to work back to work. First time I've been up at 8am in a few months. Excited to get cooking again.
Remember that time almost two years ago my friend tried to set me up with her friend and we got along really well but I left for college and it fizzled? We randomly reconnected and we've been talking, like, most days. Taking her to dinner at some point before I leave. Not sure if that'll go anywhere, probably depends on what happens this summer. She's going to Texas Tech next year.
Finally starting to sleep easier. Still occasionally waking up in the middle of the night, but it doesn't take hours to fall asleep anymore. I probably just needed to come down from the stress of the semester.
Apparently there's a flu going around; it certainly made it's way to me. Thankfully my sinuses and chest are starting to clear, and I feel like its on its last legs.
I haven't been up to terribly much. Over the last few days I've mostly been reading and sleeping, to be honest. Two books: one about a guy who cycled around the world a couple of years ago and an Irish language book about... sad teenagers and failing relationships, I guess. When I finish reading it, it'll be the second Irish book I'll have ever read (and indeed the second non-English book).
I've gone for a walk every day for the past few days, too, for about an hour. This probably isn't such a big deal for the more physically active on Hubski, but I've spent a lot of time cooped up inside over the winter, and it's been good to get out into the fresh air. Dry air, too; it hasn't rained all week.
Working tomorrow in the pub; day shift. I have no idea what the hours in the pub will be like over the next while, though I expect the post-Christmas season will be fairly quiet. Naturally this is sending me into fresh fits of freaking out about the future and what I'm going to do.
But here's a heartwarming story for you! A little background info: pubs in Ireland have fairly early closing hours, but hotel bars are technically exempt from this - they can stay open later for their residents; they just can't admit anyone to the bar after the usual hour.
There's a hotel directly adjacent to the pub I work in. The three of us on duty cleaned up very quickly that night, my boss handed me my pay for the shift (cash straight into the pocket) and the three of us headed into the hotel there for a few drinks after work; this was around two in the morning. One of my coworkers knows the bartender in the hotel, who let us in.
Now, my coworker drinks fast and refused to let me pay for any of our drinks. We had five pints in the space of about an hour and a half. I think it was just about four when they called a taxi, and I set off home on foot, since I only live five minutes down the road.
Then I checked my pocket, and discovered that my pay was missing. I managed to lose the cash between leaving the place I work and walking literally one door down to the bar of the hotel, where I now believe it left my pocket while I was trying unsuccessfully to pay for a round of drinks.
Naturally, this put me in an absolutely foul mood. I went up to the hotel the next day and asked if they'd found it, to no avail. After a bit of lunch to settle my stomach, I popped in next door to the place where I work, and sat down at the bar with a coffee chatting to the owner, my boss' father. He asked me about the night before, and I mentioned how hungover I was from the drinking and how angry with myself about the money I'd managed to lose so stupidly.
That night I went to work again and after we had finished up, I made sure to put the cash away carefully in the inside pocket of my jacket. As were were leaving, though, my boss came up to me, handed me another shift's pay, and said his dad had told him to give it to me. I tried to refuse, but he said it was orders from the top.
I feel a bit awkward about it now, but I just think it's unbelievably nice that the guy replaced my lost wages like that, after I lost them so carelessly.
An ADA-compliant shower, according to the State:
An ADA-compliant shower, according to the City:
A friend asked me if our birth center was a microgravity environment. I told him it was for parkour pregnancies.
then I cried.
Worthy of note: our scope does not permit us to serve the handicapped anyway. The State recognizes this. The City doesn't give a fuck. Thank the holy FSM the shithead didn't make us buy chair lifts.
Now if you'll excuse me, apparently I need to go down to Ikea to find curtain rod holders because my contractor misplaced them so that they can put up a privacy curtain the State cares about but the City doesn't. After all, I've been off advil for 36 hours and even though yesterday was supposed to be a "rest" day that didn't mean I didn't get to make five separate trips to put out fires.
PORTLAND
It's pretty cool. Happy to be back with my boyfriend and his family, excited about the neighborhood, on the hunt for a job.
The house we're staying at was in a pretty terrible state when I moved in here, so I have been keeping extremely busy getting it in ship-shape. Replaced 3 light fixtures, rented a carpet cleaner for a day, bought some christmas lights for $1 a box, and made the basement an actually pleasant place to hang out.
Here's the reading nook I put together, probably my favorite part of the house. The painting was left in the garage by the last tenant, and the space fabric is just there till I make it a shirt.
I'm really happy to be here!
Do you have your sewing machine?
I had a closet full of old clothes from a previous life and came across a dress with so much material. One of those drapey hangy things that can go from being a sleeveless dress into a dress with an enormous cape. Hard to describe -- but I looked at the volumes of material and thought -- if I were flac, I'd know what to do with this.
Hi Pubski, long time no see.
Since last time, I went back to see my family and celebrate Christmas. I hadn't seen my aunt, uncle and cousin in a while as they live in Australia but they are moving to the UK this year.
Then I went to Florence with some friends from school. It's such a beautiful city, we ate lots of Italian food and looked at old buildings and art (the Uffizi is a must-see). I enjoyed trying to speak the language having never learned it before, even if the people at the cafe/restaurant then put on a concerned face and replied in English. It's so satisfying when I get it right. Earlier this month I also went to Vienna and being able to get directions and understand people talk in German was such a strange feeling...
Due to various financial hacks (staying at friends houses, budget airline travel, accidentally stockpiling my leave by not taking any breaks for half a year) I have been able to go on four holidays in the last four months. I know this is a disgusting first world problem but I'm starting to wonder if I'm spreading myself a bit thin. I really enjoyed the last holiday to Florence because of the beautiful environment, food and company but I couldn't help thinking that I would have got more out of it if I had properly made the effort to learn about the city beforehand. I don't really know anything about the Medicis, or the Renaissance or classical Greek/Roman art. Some of the people I was with had studied the Classics in university and so were able to explain things to me but this doesn't seem totally right. It doesn't seem right for me to have all this opportunity to see the world and squander it by just appreciating things in the most superficial way. This has been nagging me for a while now.
I think that this year I should perhaps take some of the time off that I have been allocated to slow down and explore where I currently live. Or take fewer holidays. I live in London and while it has its fair share of annoyances (expensive, loud, busy) it also has a rich history, many public spaces and institutions, one of the most diverse populations out of any city in the world, etc. Hopefully I can share that with you. Hubski makes me want to do that.
Oh and on New Year's Eve I got drunk
Well, here's a weird story.
My brother, home for the holidays from Portland, and I went to our local Goodwill donation site to drop stuff off for our family. We've done this frequently over the years, though him obviously less so since, you know, Portland. He's two years older than me. We're both in our twenties.
There were two guys there at the site to help us unload. They were large, and about as appealing as you'd expect of them, them being humans employed by Goodwill to perform menial labor, not really talk to people, and certainly not to count out change accurately or show you where housewares are with a smile. It went basically fine until the end.
OK, it went basically fine if I ignore how every time I tried to pick up anything and take it to the shed they took it out of my hands before I got three steps out, while mostly letting my brother lift and walk any things he pleased. Don't you know that women can't carry things? Including pillows. But hey, not having to carry things is not something one usually gripes over.
But then as we walked back to my car, the larger, more sadly-straggly-bearded lump asked me: "'Zzat your dad, helping?"
I was puzzled. Quite, in fact. I scoped the whole parking lot for some man anywhere who might be mistaken for my dad. My first thought was that there must be some brown-haired, older man in a car just down the lot or something who I hadn't seen, who looked vaguely like me.
"What?" I asked.
"Is he your dad?" the troll said. This time he gestured towards my brother. "You know, your dad, or, or, or something?"
"Uuhhh, that's my brother," I said to him. He had a gap in his front teeth and his eyes were cinched in the middle by his cheekfat. And, at 300 pounds, employed at Goodwill, and (I did the mental math) quite probably living in his parents' basement, trying to hit on me.
__________
My bro and I talked about it as we drove off. We agreed it was weird, gross, yuck, just inappropriate. The funny thing was that I had kind of shrugged it off by the time we got around the block. Because gross men hit on woman all the time. Because I've been asked that before, repeatedly. Because "it just happens."
My brother went home, got drunk, peeved, and then he emailed the head of HR for our area Goodwill. That head's a she, by the way, which encouraged him as well. At least when you tell a woman about a guy hitting on you she doesn't try to say you're being too sensitive, or that you're arrogant.
She got back to him at 6 am the next day. And now he's talking to someone in their Risk Management this week. He's keeping me posted and I'm at least curious. Could be a lawsuit, I guess. I bet all it'd take to get a lawyer interested in a story like this would be Goodwill, ignoring that email. (Not that I'd go to one. I told you. I'd written it off.)
_________________
It's weird. I'm interested to see how it progresses and also agree that that employee shouldn't be hitting on chicks half his age while he's on the clock at his job.
But I can't help but notice, and think it's funny, that this is happening because my brother saw and got pissed off and escalated the situation - so in a way, I'm weirdly voiceless, and a guy's standing up for me because another guy was disgusting, and while this is about women and gender and stuff like that, our MCs so far are 3/4 men. And certainly, I guess, is the hero.
_____________
Hey, don't they say that if you're white and see a black person get discriminated against it's your job to speak up because you have the power, because you're the majority, because you have the privilege? That could be the angle here. That probably is.
But still. It's weird.
At least he's not getting me kicked out of bars for calling the bartender pregnant anymore, I guess.
I read through the whole thread, and all of your responses, and I see one thing that has not been mentioned: Agency.
You had no agency in "cheeks" asking if the man with you was your dad.
You have no agency in the actions your brother is taking on your behalf.
Rest assured, Cheeks will lose his job. I have friends who are in both Management and Training at Goodwill, and one strike is enough to put you on the black list. They aren't hiring the cream of the crop at Goodwill. They are giving people an opportunity to pull themselves out of whatever hole they are in, by providing free job training, counseling, and other services people need to get back on their feet. So they have a very quick fuse. If you cause any sort of problem, you are out. There is always another person waiting behind you for the opportunity, and Goodwill needs to get people through the system and trained so they become productive employees, as opposed to unproductive trainees.
This man will now lose access to that opportunity permanently, because there was a claim made against him.
Goodwill will do the right thing and talk to your brother about the experience, and will do most of this verbally instead of in a written format, because it is a discovery process.
However all of these actions and activities are being taken on your behalf, because your brother has robbed you of your agency in this situation.
You chose to simply ignore Cheek's request. That was you taking the action you felt was appropriate to the situation.
I have no horse in this race, or have a position to defend in this situation. I'm just stating the facts in a way that might encourage you to take an active role - to regain your agency - in this situation.
I equate your brother taking action on your behalf as equally as demeaning to you as Cheeks' initial comment hitting on you. These are two men who have acted in their own interest, with you as the fulcrum.
Personally, I would not be happy in that place. I would feel used. That's my $0.02.
Read through the comments and it's a pretty dissatisfying thread. Not much gained from the dialog.
I used to wait tables at a place that was half restaurant and half gay bar (they liked to have a few token straight guys on staff). I know what it's like to be hit on. Techniques ran the gambit but I've dealt with more than enough stuff that was straight up lewd. It could be awkward but I can't say it ever really upset me. I was asked if I was gay a whole bunch of times, which most the time was what you would call a pick up line. Some times I felt bad giving the brush off, nice guy, not being sleazy, just interested, and lord knows I've been given the brush off enough times.
Bachlorette parties are worse, way worse. It's not pick up time, I've have them devolve into straight up sexual assault. Really bold grabbing of dicks and ass. Not often but It happens. I don't know if males had some kind of public ritual that included dick straws, vibrators and what not sitting out on a resturant table if people would be so cool about it. Once again I didn't let it ruffle my feathers, just hope the tip was good.
I'm a large man, even when I was a thinner better looking me I stood 6'2" and 200lbs. I can't be threatened by this stuff. Maybe it makes a significant difference.
It's far more upsetting to be called fat, stupid or ugly on the job (I've been called all three). I was referred to as the 'smug chubby' about ten times in a yelp review. I only let this kind of shit get under my skin for a moment, no profit in internalizing it. I'd rather get hit on or mildly sexually assaulted.
I met my wife on the job, I asked her out on the job. I would have asked her out a lot sooner but I knew she had a boyfriend. When she finally shook him I took my chance and she said yes, it's a whole cute story that I won't go into now. I've asked quite a few women out when I was at work. I never did it cold (not that there is anything wrong with saying "Hey, I get off shift in 5 minutes, wanna grab a drink with me next door to a person you just met), they were people whom I had pleasant exchanges with in the past. I never expected that any woman would say yes, but I wasn't afraid to see if they might be interested in having a drink, or going to show, or grabbing a bite to eat with me. It never upset me if they politely declined or even if I got shot down. This is how people met before the internet, your generation doesn't get to redefine everything down to swipes.
If a person can't take the brush off with grace, that's a problem. There were more than a few times when I was bartending that I've had to tell a guy "the lady isn't interested, leave her alone or get the fuck out." Few things I admire more than a lady who can do this kind of thing for themselves but direct action isn't for everyone.
People who work at goodwill are for the most part broken. I work near a goodwill drop off trailer, I can see their trailer with their shitty broken hopeful propaganda emblazoned on the side right out the front window of my shop down the block. The immigrants who work for goodwill are largely normal, intelligent and capable people who just need a leg up while they find their place in their new home. The natives are just fucked. I call the main native who works the trailer "Mr. Dirty Shirt." You would not believe how dirty his shit is. I have never worked in the yard all day and gotten this dirty. I could climb in my chimney and not get this dirty. If you work at goodwill You are fucked in one of or in more than one of three ways, you are physically broken, you are mentally or you are socially broken. Your life is shit, it will probably always be shit, you will probably never know a lovers touch who you respect, you will never own anything of significant monetary value and all your happiness will be transient, waiting for the next explosion of the one of the three reasons you are working at goodwill to step forward and take primacy in your daily existence.
To be uncomfortable by the behavior of a good will employee is like the discomfort one experiences when exposed to cold weather. Despite the fact that it's unpleasant, it's some force of nature shit. There is no other path for a fair number of Goodwill employee's. They aren't working there because they need an employee, they are working there because an otherwise unemployable person needs work (and the CEO makes about 1mil a year, it's good reason to preserve the system).
It's lame that your brother decided to white knight you. You seem like a more than capable person who can take care of her own business. Don't know that I added anything to the conversation but after starting to comment twice and aborting I decided to just get it off my chest.
Perhaps you can paint the picture better for me, because I don't really understand how he was hitting on you by asking if someone was your dad? That seems like an odd way to try to win the affection of someone you find attractive. But then, I'm old and have been out of the "game" a long time. I definitely don't see where there is a potential lawsuit. What am I missing?
Honest question, what if this troll with his cheekfat were actually a really attractive and articulate man/woman that were more to your liking, would them asking if the person you were with was your father still disturb you as much?
Again, this is likely a case of me not getting it cause I've never had to experience it. I'm not ever hit on and I never do the hitting either. -strange term. "Hit on," -doesn't sound very appealing, does it?
Regardless of my lack of understanding, I'm sorry to hear you had a crappy experience at Goodwill. They seem to be an organization dedicated to supporting the underprivileged and families with special needs. Bummer they hired someone that made you feel that way.
So, he was trying to determine my relationship to my brother.
Can I ask you, if you were interacting with a guy and a girl you'd just met, what are the circumstances in which you'd want to know what their relationship was? You'd want to know if you wanted to know if the girl was single or not. You'd want to know if that guy was her boyfriend because you wouldn't want to try to hit on someone in front of their boyfriend. And let's drill down even more and get real specific: when would you ask the girl what her relationship to the dude was? Why? Cuz he didn't turn to both of us and go, "Oh, you related?" That's ok, if awkward, small talk. But he ignored my brother, and he asked me.
If I were alone, it'd be "Hey, you got a boyfriend?" But because I was with a guy, who might be that boyfriend, (who might get an attitude if he thought GW was hitting on his girl in front of him, or whatever) the inquiry went a little subtler.
Maybe you're saying, "If you look really similar, I could see a stranger asking if you were related!"
Yes, but then why did he say "Dad" instead of "brother", which would be the obvious choice if he thinks we're related due to how close in age we are?
I'm just throwing this out there, how many times has a stranger asked you how you know the person you're hanging out with as an attempt to start a conversation? I'm willing to bet the answer is "never."
It's certainly a fucking awkward choice for small talk, though I guess if you want you can suggest that the guy simply is socially awkward (after all, we'll never know) and his remark was totally innocent, if completely weird. Then why wouldn't he ask both people a question both could answer? If we're going back to "he's fucking awkward," that's fine, again there's no way we'll ever know, but what percentage of the population is that fucking awkward?
Is he that fucking awkward, and also so bad at guessing people's ages that he could legitimately mistake a guy two years my senior, who doesn't have gray hair or a beard or wrinkles or any of the marks of even middle age, for my father? I mean, even if he is bad at ages how young could he possibly think I was - 16? - even then, to have a 16 year old kid you're going to be like, 36. Minimum.
He wanted to know if my brother was my boyfriend. But if he said "Is he your boyfriend," it would be even more stunningly obvious that he was trying to hit on me. He probably knew it would be inappropriate. So instead he blurted out the next platonic role a male might have in my life, "father."
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It's a potential lawsuit because if the employee has a history of customer complaints/acting inappropriately, and Goodwill has been informed of incidents like this and knowingly ignored them, they're liable for his pattern of behavior which starts to look more like sexual harassment with every additional woman he's sexually awkward to. It's a potential lawsuit if he's got a history of this pattern of behavior, as evidenced by background checks or similar, and Goodwill hired him and put him in a situation to continue it anyway.
It's a potential lawsuit because employers are liable for the behavior of their employees, particularly when they're on the job, and definitely absolutely if they've been alerted to that behavior before, or time and time again.
If a customer feels an employee behaved inappropriately towards them, I guess the most correct option is to raise to management and let them decide. It seems that's what they're doing here.
I feel like if I were an employer, I'd want to know if a customer felt uncomfortable. If it was spurious I could dismiss it. if it was small, maybe I wouldn't address it right away - but I'd at least have a little heads up there might be a problem down the line.
____________________
Honest answer: I hate getting hit on, especially by strangers, certainly by strangers who work at Goodwill, and definitely by people who I am forced to interact with repeatedly in the future (who I can't avoid because I have to go to the places they work) regardless of how I receive their advances.
Don't hit on someone who will be forced to interact with you in the future because they go to your establishment for business purposes. You're just making it fucking awkward for everyone. It's rude.
Again, I'll reiterate what I said to flag: this is a weird experience for me because I am so not a part of what is occurring as a direct result to how I was treated. On the other hand, if I were alone and went to that Goodwill and the guy asked me if I had a boyfriend, I wouldn't want to go back there for quite a while without someone else along. Because it would feel weird and I wouldn't like that attention.
I don't mind talking to strangers. But when a stranger hits on me, someone I've never talked to in my whole life before, I feel gross. When someone who doesn't know you hits on you, it's not a compliment - they literally don't know a thing about you, let alone whether those things interest them. Think about it. "Hey, it's me, a total stranger who felt so compelled by the symmetry of your features and the size of your bod that I couldn't leave you alone to do whatever you're out in the world doing without intruding upon it and making my attraction to you known!"
Now, there's flirting. If you're cute and you're subtle and there's a reason for your interaction, you can flirt with a stranger. But that reason should be something like "She dropped all her groceries and I stopped to pick them up" or "He grabbed the last Coke Zero right when I reached for it!" and flirting is done with no intention. A flirt understands he will probably never see you again, and that's life, but in this moment you're kind of cute so he wants to make you smile. He doesn't care if you have a boyfriend because he's not trying to date some stranger he ran into in the produce section at Acme. He has a life. He has a way to meet women. Or she, whatever.
Too long, and full of fucks, and ranty. But as a woman, I know a guy hitting on me when it happens. And the thing I know just as well as "getting hit on" is "guys telling me I wasn't getting hit on because the person wasn't literally telling me he wanted to date me."
Conversation has two levels; Text, subtext. The text of his question was "Is that your dad?" The subtext was, "Are you single? I'm interested."
So I deal with this stuff a lot, probably since I was 13 and there's a lot of subtle things men do that make other men think well wait crap that seems harmless, what if I did that and it was misread. The thing is you wouldn't. There's making small talk and then there's making one comment out of nowhere plus body language plus ignoring the woman's obvious body language. What I've realized as I've grown is that they aren't ignoring the body language at all. You wouldn't continue to stare at a woman who looked extremely uncomfortable but some men would because making that woman feel small is their goal. Then there's the difference between looking and leering which often times men think well it's only leering if the guys unattractive. Except no, looking = friendly, possibly flirty and thinking the woman looks interesting or attractive while leering = wondering what the woman asshole tastes like, it's weirdly violating.
A lot of the time we brush off the uncomfortable feeling, try and laugh it off then carry on with our days. I've been doing that since I was very young and I hate thinking about it. I hate when it happens to other woman who remind me of younger me.
Here's an example: a guy at the bar wouldn't stop trying to get me to do a shot with him the other night even after I said no I have no idea who you are go away multiple times and keep in mind I've transitioned from polite to bitchy in these encounters. It was easy for me to be bitchy because I'm friends with a lot of people at the bar however if I wasn't I would have felt very uncomfortable. Now any guy who has ever offered a girl a drink in a bar is remembering that and relating to this guy so they're thinking whoa whoa whoa slow down, what if people thought that about me ? Well would you ever argue with a woman who said no first off ? If so would you say something like are you sure once while smiling or would you get more aggressive in how you were looking and start whining for her to just do the shot with you multiple times ?
I wrote this all out because I think since other woman get it so quickly we expect the same of men. I've realized we really can't though because men can't just understand how woman experience life if we don't fully explain it so when somebody seems open to understanding I like to take that opportunity.
in this subthread: 95% men telling women that surely, the woman's wrong (and if she's wrong, exactly how terrible it's going to be for the man as a result, with the implication of oh how bad she should feel)
You know what I have learned from lots of years dating and not dating lots of guys? A whole lot of them will say whatever they think is needed in order to get the girl they're talking to to go home with them. I've had guys hit on me by telling me they're not hitting on me.
And everyone gets so hung up on informing the woman that surely, she was wrong, she's overreacting, she's misconstruing, that the real problem, which is that she felt really uncomfortable, (uncomfortable at best) gets completely glossed over.
It's real funny too that the woman goes "That was uncomfortable, I didn't like that" and prepares to dismiss the interaction for the most part but when a dude is involved, he goes "That was uncomfortable, his behavior was inappropriate, and I'm reporting it immediately to management."
Dude, society even does that to rape and sexual assault victims. The fact that our culture makes woman feel bad for somehow ruining mens lives by reporting things men do is ridiculous. Then of course the cherry on top is the well why don't woman report things ? My favourite has to be that you're getting a man fired due to your brother's actions. Damn woman and our mind control powers.
am i able to question you without losing my woman card because i gotta say i really do need this card
This is living up to the American reputation of suing for everything.
I couldn't agree more.
Edit: to be very clear, in no way do I think _refugee_ is wrong for being annoyed, pissed or disgusted by unwarranted flirtations, or being unwantingly "hit on." However, I do think we are way too litigious as a society and that which can be sorted out socially, ought to be.
alternate reading: an ugly person talked to you, now you're getting them fired
i wasn't there, but that's the angle your story sells. i imagine there's more to it, because you're a nice person and wouldn't go to great lengths unless there was some reason to
Riiiiight
A MAN emailed goodwill while a WOMAN did not yet here you are telling a WOMAN she's getting a guy fired ? How exactly ? Are her bothers actions her responsibility ? Is he not a free thinking person capable of making his own choices, and typing his emails ? Did you type this comment or did your mother ?
So, I actually haven't talked to a single person employed by Goodwill. This experience is interesting and somewhat surreal for me because, although I'm the "victim" here, or the target, or at least the person around whom everything happened, I'm an absolute bystander to the escalation. They haven't even asked to speak to me.
I'd be shocked if the guy lost his job from this. It's pretty hard to fire someone for cause. A one-off like this might be a verbal or written warning, but unless he has a history of customer complaints or other issues at work against him, he's not going nowhere.
- It's pretty hard to fire someone for cause.
It's super-easy to terminate their contract for no reason, though. Especially as Goodwill primarily employs the disabled. Barring that, it's incredibly easy to make a disciplinary mark that prevents someone from ever being promoted or, in this case, ever be in a customer-facing position ever again.
well ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ look at me, the person in the situation who is literally not responsible for any of this happening, and doesn't have the magic ability to read men's minds and stop them from saying (or typing and emailing) whatever they want to, to whomever they want.
At the end of the day, Goodwill doesn't care about me so much as they care about their disgruntled customer. As evidenced by the fact that Risk Management told my brother they'd like to call and discuss this with him further. Ain't nobody ask for me. I could be fiction for all they know.
GW sees ruffled feathers; they'll soothe ruffled feathers. If they were worried about the law or the paper, I think they'd first at least ascertain my existence. I feel like if they were going to fire the guy, even, it would be due diligence to get my version - not fire a guy based on another guy recounting what the first guy said to the other guy's sister.
And if they're going to fire him for "no cause" aka really hearsay, which means going through the trouble and expense of hiring someone new and burning the time to train them, AKA impacting their bottom line and all that corporate shit, well fuck. They'll fire anyone for any reason then.
I haven't seen any headlines about Goodwill being trigger happy, have you?
That discussion you linked to last time? Remember my response?
- The only person who can do anything about your brother's behavior is you.
I wasn't there. I don't want to be there. But I also know that the Invisible Hand of the Marketplace is not known for its compassion and I know that people who unload rags for Goodwill are hanging on for dear life.
It sounds like you wouldn't have done anything. Great. I wouldn't have either. Occasionally the folx at Goodwill act weird around my kid. I presume this is because they aren't firing on all cylinders. Might not be my most charitable assessment but I'll suspect people of stupid more often than I'll suspect them of mean.
- They'll fire anyone for any reason then.
Exactly this. "Say the wrong thing and you're on the street." I recognize that you feel no culpability in this situation but if you honestly feel that no harm was done to you, you have an obligation to tell your brother to inform Goodwill that you feel no harm was done to you.
I have a friend. He was a youth pastor at a Christian camp. Then an 11-year-old decided he was too disciplinarian so he told his mommy my buddy made him feel uncomfortable by talking about his penis. Now my buddy fixes HVAC for apartments. No hearing, no recourse, just "sorry, that's the end of that career." Let's hear it for at-will employment.
I get that you're a bystander in all this. Do you get that continuing to be one is not necessarily the most virtuous position to take?
His email expressed that he and I both felt uncomfortable after describing the bare facts of what happened. And yeah, I did feel uncomfortable when the guy in his 30s-40s, closer to my dad's age than mine, asked if my two-years-older brother was my dad. That was fucking weird, man. And my takeaway is that he was trying to hit on me, yes. I've said elsewhere that if similar happened when I was in my own I would not feel comfortable returning to that Goodwill alone. It's up to mgmt at Goodwill to decide what their tolerance is.
I'm not trying to be virtuous; I'm trying to be honest, and I'm trying to be me. Your friends' 11 year old, meanwhile, was being a vindictive bitch. How'd they turn out as parents?
Here's a story. There's a grocery store near me I've avoided for 10 years because when I was 16 a lifer bag boy took a shining to me such that if he sees me, like he did last month, he comes up to me, tries to start a conversation, and if I "was nice" and just "humored him" and talked back he would follow me around the store for my entire shopping expedition or until whatever manager responsible for him saw what was happening and sent the guy away from me and back to work. I don't want to talk to this person. He's just as creepy as the guy at Goodwill. Actually, creepier, because I know I'm not the only girl he focuses on like that. Mgmt there deals with that by being a little more attentive and pulling him off of the customers he fixates on, getting him away from them and back to work. Funny how it always happens to be the cute young female customers he wants to make friends with, though, not anybody else.
Acmecreep still works there. Yeah, I got to run into him like twice last month. Once he came up behind me and stood there for 15 minutes while I used the change machine. I can hear it now: "He was probably just on his break!" Yeah, that's a nice coincidence.
You know how you were a kid once and you played "Not touching you"? You'd all gang up on someone and get as close as possible and chant "Not touching you, not touching you, not touching you!" And then when the kid was like "STOP!" you all were like "We're not doing anything!" and fucking rioted with laughter? How do you go about telling the special 40 year old who's a lifetime bag/cart boy to leave you alone when technically he's not doing anything? Just standing there six inches behind you doing nothing. Just watching you. When you turn in his direction you can see him straighten up and try to catch your eye.
What I do is I go to different fucking Acmes. What a great solution, right. At least cartboy's not fired, I guess that makes me virtuous.
Better call that a/c man because your anecdote just got burned right back. Kind of feel like goodwill is more like acme than Jesus camp when it comes to retention methods but hell, what do I know?
The basic problem - set aside that in your estimation, this guy is extra creepy - is that flirting requires violating social code. Period. Full stop. By any HR manual you care to consult, there shall be no fraternization at school, work or church, between providers and clients, between friends and neighbors, and ugh oh god who wants to meet someone at a bar they're so sketchy.
Which means - set aside that in your estimation, this guy is extra creepy - that Western society effectively depends on people brave enough to risk a harassment charge in order to forward the development of relationships and families. I'm sure you've been through your fair share of cringe-worthy sexual harassment training at this point to know that the the gauge for "unwelcome attention" is "when the other person says it's unwelcome." But that's not what's happening here. The other person's brother is telling HR to tell you it's unwelcome.
Your bag boy example is of an establishment you've avoided for ten years rather than tell someone "could you leave me alone, please?" In your example at the goodwill, it didn't even get that far. This isn't a case of not taking a hint, this is a case of three sentences exchanged.
And yes. My friend's 11-year old was being a vindictive bitch. But just like you live in a world of creepy 300lb Goodwill loaders, we live in a world of vindictive 11-year-old bitches. You? I mean, your honor was insulted by a male of a lower caste and now your brother is demanding vengeance from his liege-lord. you might as well just put on the fuckin' niqab and be done with it.
I don't understand how it can be feminist to require a world so nerfed-out that you never have an uncomfortable conversation with a male.
I avoid this Shwarma place since this one guy would spend the entire time asking me if I had a boyfriend yet or was married and telling me he wanted me to have his babies. That gets creepy by the time you get to the cash and the next time you come in. He stopped doing that to my sister when she came in holding her baby. I brushed that off sooo hard and just laughed yet I get uncomfortable thinking of going there.
This is complicated because she does feel there was harm done, it's just that it's an everyday thing that happens and she has figured out how to just brush it off so she can just move on with her life since there's no point in getting mad. As it builds up over the years you end up feeling like shit not for the way men treated you but for the way you let them by brushing all this stuff off. Then you see it happen to other young woman and you feel like shit for being a bystander and letting that culture continue so it could harm other young woman.
Edit: _refugee_ I realize I'm projecting a lot here so correct me if I'm wrong but I'm guessing I'm not far off.
I'm no social or psychological genius, so I just sincerely hope that you get a cathartic conclusion. As a guy, I'll take it as a lesson in self-awareness. Best wishes.
See my response to thenewgreen; ask yourself, if you were trying to make small talk, why of all things would you ask a question of a woman which seeks to determine her relationship to the man she's with, as opposed to, I don't know, the weather? The holidays? How much you like their car, or chocolate, or anything else but?
Frankly I'm in the middle of it and don't know what to think about it.
I suspect men are hit on less than women. I think when you're not hit on a lot, it's much harder to recognize and also much easier to doubt another person's claim that they were getting hit on.
Honestly, I wouldn't be going around talking about how this dude possibly hit on me at Goodwill, in any capacity, except for my brother - first, obviously, his involvement. But beyond that, AKA a large part of why I'm confident in "He was hitting on me" territory, is because my brother was there, an observer who wasn't a participant in the conversation but saw the whole thing, and he independently came to the same conclusion about the guy's behavior as I did. I didn't get into the car and say, "Aw man, that guy just hit on me, did you see that??"
As for whether I'm mistaken - I don't think it matters as much as you think, what his intention was. The road to hell is paved with good ones. If I came up to you and got handsy with you because "You looked like you needed a hug and I wanted to make you feel better," that doesn't give me a free pass on intruding your personal space and touching you if you don't want me to do that.
You can always say I didn't intend to do that; it's real easy, in fact, especially afterwards. Kind of like "I'm sorry." You can say it all you want. It doesn't change your actions or the impact of them.
Happy new year everyone!
Traveled back home today after spending Christmas, New Year's and then some with the family. They're planning on moving again, this time to a tiny farmhouse built in 1897 on a fairly large lot. They want to renovate and build a home next to it. Here's to hope it all works out, my dad is so much happier DIY-ing than in pretty much any job. He's been let go twice in the last three months, once because of restructuring and once because the job was just too shit for too little pay.
A good friend of mine also spent the Christmas break over at his parent's. We've spent multiple days this week playing through The Last of Us, couch potatoing with a beamer on a 5 meter wall. Good times, even though the game itself was a bit disappointing. I really like Errant Signal's take on the game. That whole Youtube channel is great if you like game analysis.
Added some more features to my Raspi app. It can now highlight trains based on a given input destination and can skip trains that depart in the next X minutes. I also found out I had a "case" for my Raspi just laying around:
Economy first class this morning on Southwest.
Going to Raleigh/Durham to run around with thenewgreen.
Guess I'll pick you up. Looking forward to seeing you! First time hanging out since we have both put in our notices. Game on.
It's a tough call: bed or bounce. You made it out of bed to the pub (let's pretend that one). Let's get a few things done and report back later. The bad body days (as OftenBen calls it) makes it harder to get to the errands. Me too. I slipped on the ice on December 20 and twisted my leg. X-rays show nothing broke, but I'm still dragging that leg around. OK, onward (slowly) onward.
Productivity level has touched a near bottom, despite knowing the techniques of time management, fast reading and watching a plethora of self development videos, I am not able to push myself.
I guess these phases of low motivation come and go.. or else I am setting very high difficult targets which in unattained condition are demotivating me further. Time to set realistic goals.
Anyway... what are the best techniques to revise something over and over again??.. because for me it is getting really boring and i feel as if I am dragging through it!!
On the other note ....HAPPY NEW YEAR HUBSKIANS!! May all Rock throughout the year!!
First off, you are an absolute beast, and I mean that in a flattering way. I still owe you maybe ten responses in technical discussions, which I just can't seem to dole out right now (see next paragraph). Don't worry, I won't forget. :)
Over my winter "break", I found that the best cycle for me was going to bed at about 9 a.m. and waking up at about 3 p.m., and working 14-16 hours in the interim. I was able to do this for about two weeks without interruption, and I only took the equivalent of about 2 days off over the two weeks. That's at least 75 hours of true work each week. No commute, minimal breaks (mostly stuffing my face), and only occasional distractions. Edit: also should have mentioned that my girlfriend hates me now.
The motivation has come easy, due to the circumstances of my research. I'm spending most of my time not even doing physics, per se, but coding up processing routines and computations for visualizing data, which does occasionally involve some calculus. I've been the first person to lay eyes on an event that will have thousands of papers written about it (edit: hold me to this, I'll update you someday). Every day, I grab the latest downlinked data, and goddamnit if my heart isn't racing when the routines are near completing and I see the plot window building.
Soon, I'll be doing more actual physics that isn't my homework. I'm bursting at the seams with ideas for the future. If I was in a position of authority with enough money, I'd hire coders to do a bunch of this monkey work for me and have more time to read the publishing record, contribute, and put pencil to paper, doing actual physics. I'm not the best at the pencil/paper stuff, but I have some friends who are (Devac included).
And that's why my Hubski activity has been waning ever since you moved in. It's not you, it's me, bro.
Hey Thanks..Speaklt sounds good.Wiki does become creepy sometimes.:D.gonna try it!
Regarding time management..yes I am using Promodoro technique..the problem was probably I was lacking in motivation after burnout I had after studying whole night..That disturbed the entire body clock..and it impacted me for a week! Now getting better!
And making a goal diary is absolute must as rightly pointed out by you!!
It gives a proper execution plan and keeps mind clear off other tasks while being at work for one specific task..
And you are bang on on Physical activity point... for a month I have left the Gym to get more time to study..but sadly it has impacted performance as well!!
I watch self improvement videos and audio summaries of such books on youtube to get me going..
Actually it gets difficult to revise same thing you know over and over again!! But that's necessary for me..So I am looking for some innovative revision techniques..
e.g. in one of the videos I watched it was being suggested to make concise notes first and then convert it to audio form and mix some background sound..and hear it on the loop!!
But I am afraid that whether it will work for me? Anyways will try it for once!
On sleep front... i am the one whose productivity will decrease if wake up before 8 AM...:P and need at least 7-8 Hrs. So..yes! it varies from person to person.
Well I guess my earlier blocked brain is resuming some sharpness..this time wont disturb body clock..and yes will be resuming exercise too!
Thanks!
Heading back to school in an hour or two. Getting some sushi as a last meal before a semester of powdered eggs and roast beef.
Finessed my way out from West Point's "lowest prices" totaling over $900 in textbooks. Got everything for $300. There are few greater feelings of satisfaction in life.
Quitting nicotine. Starting... now. Would love some advice on this endeavor.
Holy shit dude, how many classes are you taking to have $900 in books? Do you have an option to rent? Maybe I've just been taking the right classes, but over the past two terms (6 classes) I've spent like $300, mostly through the bookstore because I value convenience more than I should.
Congrats on quitting man. I replaced weed, booze and nicotine with tea and coffee about a month ago, but that was after some life re-evaluation. I think it helps not to think about quitting something as starting a new hobby to replace it with. Smoking isn't too time consuming, but I'm sure you could find something to replace it with.
We get solid family style meals, only MREs in the summer during field training. I don't think a Rhodes scolarship let alone West Point would be worth a diet of MREs.
I assume you get some hot meals even in the field? When I was in the Army National Guard, we'd get a hot breakfast, MRE for lunch and hot dinner.
I didn't think MREs were too bad. It hinged on the sides. Jalapeño cheese? Skittles? Awesome. Jelly? Charms (knock off Lifesavers)? Boo. Do they still it Charms in MREs? I haven't had an MRE in almost fifteen years.
Very very sick / working my way through multiple boxes of tissues / probably taking a half day today for my benefit and my co-workers benefit.
Completely did it to myself, too. I guess that's what happens when you spend 4 hours volunteering on New Year's Eve in the cold, wind, rain, and occasional snow, and then end up awake until 5am with the girl you're starting to see. Maybe the Pho tonight will help to kill this cold.
So Happy New year again to everyone. Got back from Florida a few days ago, and had a wonderful time. Went to Disney for one day, and while nostalgia was nice I don't see myself returning until I have a child (even then I may never return if that is not my kids thing). The real awesome part of the trip was just getting to chill with my grandparents. Talking to my grandmother is always an interesting bit. I was never aware she had such an open mind about spirituality that I did. I could go on and on though, it was just really great to see them again. With my future I may not get too much time with them, and that makes me a bit sad.
I think one of the most interesting thing about the trip was that on the drive back I got to listen to all the music I had compiled over the year and listen to it in one 15 hour playlist. I could hear my year in review. While good portions of it were random, there were others that summed up pretty important moments, events, or states of mind. It was an interesting experience I created by accident, but I do think I'm going to keep compiling music and see how that goes.
My boyfriend got an all expenses paid trip to Vegas next month for 4 day. I'll tag along but will probably have free time alone during the day while they do the conferency things.
Anyone got recommendations on cool things to do? Was thinking of taking the lyft to the actually city at least once, to visit at weird tiki bar: https://www.facebook.com/FrankiesTiki
Would love some suggestions on more fun things to do there apart from gambling.
The best night I ever had in Vegas was at a punk dive bar way off the strip called the Double Down Saloon.
Definitely punk and disorderly.
Their cheapest drink is "Ass Juice", which is just basically all the leftover drinks dumped into a bucket. When you order an Ass Juice they just pour a shot from the bucket.
...yeeeah...
I hate Vegas so much.
Here's the thing - if you're on the Strip you're seeing Disneyland Vegas. They work really, really hard to make sure you only see Disneyland Vegas. Actual Vegas is a bit of a drive. If you want to see Nicholas Cage/Elizabeth Shue Vegas, head down to the Former Ponderosa and start walking around.
Wander down Fremont street and look for pawn shops. That shithole they turned into Pawn Stars is down there somewhere; I'll bet it's changed since TV. It used to feel like Mos Eisley Spaceport.
Find yourself some nickel slots and walk through them. See all the blue-hairs bleeding their lives away five cents at a time.
Most of all, experience it on foot. Vegas is designed to be seen from the back seat of a car; when you experience it by sidewalk you experience it without artifice. It's a howling vortex of window air conditioners.
Not really, I don't think I'm even allowed to rent a car before 25 (and I don't think I'd feel comfortable driving alone anyway). Anything Uber-able or within public transport reach is cool! It's just 4 days anyway, just want to make the best of it :)
Hello New Year. Hello Pubski. I'll have two fingers of Shelter Point whiskey from Vancouver Island, please. Turns out my friends' cousin is making some mighty fine whiskey up there...
2017 is my year of I'm Done.
I'm really done with all of it.
This snail is drawing back into his shell, and is going to work on the interiors for the coming year (at least).
January 20th, 2017 is going to be very, very hard. And it is only going to get more difficult from there on, with our new Twit In Chief.
Fortunately, I have stocked up on some really nice whiskey, since the Canadian dollar was around $0.75.
Now to do by best ostrich impression...
Late as usual, lately. I'll have some toast, a banana, and ginger tea. Thanks.
Break ends Monday with hopes of the last of my sickness. I came home before New Years knowing I didn't have the resources at my apartment to deal with prolonged convulsions. During New Years was another story, and the beginning of this week was arguably worse. Overall, this break sent me back to my apartment with a renewed sense of appreciation for my freedoms alone and the limits of such. Consequently, the value of a loving family. It's brought me to tears knowing what I have, and to my distaste, what I will be lacking in the later stages of life (barring having a family of my own).
In between sick day 2 and 3, one of my brothers took advantage of the clearance sales and bought a new car. There's part of the reason for the Tesla thread, which I'll head back to after this. Lucky for me, I've received a hand-me-down. Luckier still, I hadn't a solid need for it, meaning woes of gas and travel will only arise with jobs I'm applying to. My calendar is marked for the career fairs and expos on campus - at least trainings start. Also on campus, some sweet, sweet STEM courses are finally in my schedule. I'm fondling the idea of statistics whenever fits, but that'll have to stay on the sidelines. Coming to realize I'm past the traditional half-way mark now, meaning I must squeeze out something from all this rather than wade in it longer - hence expos.
I've committed to getting an early rest tonight after revisiting the Tesla post AND posting my #adayinthelife. Here's to marking off 2017 goals early. Ah, also will be looking into some environment oriented club on-campus tonight. Nothing advocacy related. Something action oriented. If there's anything I dislike in my current club's situation, then it's the stress on advocacy rather than action.
Not sure what your studying focus is, and this is entirely anecdotal, but having a decent understanding of statistics has turned out to be incredibly important in my career thus far.
I started back to work yesterday, and motivation is at an all time low. I desperately need to get out of here before my performance dips below "mostly tolerable," which is where it is right now.
Had my first day of classes for 3rd term. 29 more class days to go, which seems surprisingly short, but since I only have three days of classes a week, isn't that short. Honestly, based on first impressions, that should be just right for standing and learning from my philosophy professor, 28 days too long for my journalism prof and by far to short for my English/writing prof.
I'm pretty much set to declare an English Lit major and continue to be impressed by the faculty I've interacted with from the department. The department is a major draw for my school, and I'm really starting to see why.
Bit less enthused with the journalism department considering my prof this term is the only one full time. I'm planning a journalism minor, so I guess I'll have to get use to him, and I know his demands are going to make me a better journalist and consumer of media, but really not stuff I wanted to hear coming off a six week break. Excited for the newspaper to start back up though.
Moved into my friend's room at term, and really like it more than my old suite/room. Dunno if I ever mentioned that drama here, but long story short this guy is my third planned roommate. First one didn't get a visa, then the second one got suspended first week of class last term. It's a change actually having a roommate, but also nice to have someone around. Makes leaving the people back home a little easier to have a more solid community to live in here.