still in the weeds. today is my second to last shift before leaving my job. problems are the same as the last couple pubskis

but i guess there isn't a hurry

been working on a writing collaboration with a friend which has been fun. i want to crank out the ending to another thing I've been writing just so i can have something with a structure to hold up to the light

scarumbo

it's still sour grapes jobwise. the unexpected part is that my boss has been a lot nicer to me since i said i'd be quitting. seems assbackwards to me considering his behavior is the reason I'm leaving. it took me about 2 months into the job to realize that the reason this place had to keep hiring receptionists was because he treats them like personal assistants / sacrificial lambs, and 4 months to actually decide to quit because of it. two coworkers said to me that i lasted longer than pretty much anybody else has in this role

my passions are in things that make you no money and i don't have the drive to chase that horse. my career goal is to move into translation because i think it's my only potential specialist skill that's in demand. until then it's gonna be clerical office bullshit because at least it's not retail or call center or restaurant bullshit. at least this has consistent hours and you can sit down

i would say maybe i should think about grad school but that seems like a much more expensive way to kick the can than the current way of festering. i don't know. it could easily be worse

trying to schedule more surgery consultations with different clinics. right now I have another one scheduled and then a phone call to schedule one scheduled with another place

I've been doing more writing and trying to get more social. i went to a transfem social group last thursday and it was really nice. we're planning a book club thing

i got concert tickets for 100 gecs as well. they were scalper tickets so they were expensive but might as well live a little

my goal is to get 3 job applications out by the end of the months and my thinking is that once i get off my ass about it i should be able to do more

in summary I've been reading too much

in other news, Cumol inspired me to send my PCP some paperwork that I've been needing to send for 6 months - i got diagnosed with autism last year and the psych said that it might be worth a try to go on "a mild neurostimulant" so i might be microdosing ritalin in the gauntlet of other pills that I'm taking

i remembered the point to the previous post: basically i feel like society is a big machine that's designed to diffuse things. the doctor not treating you because you're trans is localized blame - the doctor not treating you because your insurance doesn't cover trans stuff is diffused blame. science at its core is a mode of inquiry. it uncovers truth. but the way science is used socially is to diffuse truth. it gets spread around until you can see through the cracks. communities are machines for sharing. science feels like a mechanized faith. it's truthfinding made capital m Modern. it feels like instead of pointing to god, you can now point to the machine. it's insufficiently material. and it just feels phony when it's applied to things that are socially constructed. I'm sick to death of the science of social science, where people make models to worship and indianajones-swap them with the real world

i keep losing my train of thought

i have a new bit where i connect a few big words and big concepts together in my head on my way to work and then google them on my phone when I'm at the front desk when nobody's around. there's always somebody with some thoughts on it, a paper on it, a book about it, etc: you just need to know the right words to summon them up. my latest ones today are "necropolitics of homosexuality" and "queer phenomenology".

i've been having a slow-motion crisis of faith that i still have no resolution for. it's a crisis of belief in all its forms. i haven't talked about it much outside my own head and it's ourobouresque so bear with me.

i don't know what truth is. i don't know where morals come from. i don't know what's real. i know there are methods of figuring out what's true, but functionally, they all feel no different to me. there's a whole chain of thought you can go down about perception, is it the same as reality, etc, but I'm not smart enough for it. i don't understand the difference between the physical and the mental. if thoughts are electrical impulses in the brain, it seems like everything is physical on a certain level. are numbers physical? are morals physical?

i get twisted up about a lot of silly stuff like this, but when you keep questioning things you end up with the silly questions at the end. i have a bone to pick with the kind of assumed that try to evade the silly questions.

my problem is with science, and the problem is that no matter how i slice it up, i have to rely on faith to use science. i'm not capable of understanding everything out there. even if science was able to perfectly represent everything in the perfect infinite future where everything has been reduced to its most basic principles, there'd be no way to know it all in one head. there's no way to verify everything you hear yourself. you can't replicate every study you see on the news. at a certain point, you have to trust that the person telling you that X is X is correct. for everything that you can't personally verify and see with your own eyes, you have to rely on trust (not even getting into the perception vs reality can of worms).

so functionally, what difference is there between the belief that i have in something established scientifically to be true, but which I have no way to verify, and some belief made by something else? and how do you scientifically establish a moral, anyway?

i just go round and round about it. i'm only knowledgable enough to get myself in trouble

I'm quitting my job. i put in my two weeks notice on friday, but really i said I'd work until the end of the month if i had to to give some time to find somebody new. i can't stand my boss and I'm happy to be gone. i have nothing in the works for a new job.

the mood of the season is sour grape jealousy. the phrase of the season is "things are alright, but..." i wish i had some cash on hand to burn on some dumb shit. i wish i was having wild adventures. the steadier i start living the more my skin crawls for something new.

I'm having relationship struggles. I've been with my boyfriend for almost 4 years. i love him and i want to stay with him. i turn into a piece of shit when he's not around. when he's gone i feel like I'm caged up. but I'm 23 and he's 21. i feel stupid when i think about the future or the long-term, but i want to. i really want to say my "let's be together forever"s, but I'm scared. I'm scared that either we'll change and not be right for each other, or that we won't change and will stunt each other's growth. we're both depressed underachievers with dreams that don't feel in reach, and i worrry that we feed into each other's bullshit.

honestly the proximate issue is that we don't have sex. i think we average maybe once a month or every 3 weeks at most. when i get unhappy i want to have sex. when he gets unhappy he doesn't want to have sex. there are stretches of time where i stopped trying to initiate sex because it made me feel like a creep - but i can't wait for him to do it because the difference in drive is the way it is. it just builds resentment in me towards him and it sucks. this is the only issue in our relationship, but it's big enough that it drags it down. everything else is legitimately wonderful. it just hurts to be rejected over and over, and it hurts when i can't enjoy the time we spend together doing other stuff as much because I'm wishing we were fucking

i like writing. i never wanted to make it into anything beyond a hobby. i was good at academic writing, or good enough to be graded well, but i can't stand the thought of going into academia. making money as a real author looks like hell, but i thought it would be fun to write some erotica and make some scratch on it on the side. every time i try to write something sexy it's all blood and guts and machines churning and chunks in the woodchipper. i keep trying to write porn and i keep getting body horror. so i think my niche has found me

i wrote this a few weeks ago while at work, and on the way home. i copied it down from my paper notebook onto the computer. reading it makes my skin crawl. i think that's a good thing though. it's a good thing to make things that you want to throw in the fire

i reposted it to hubski because I've been feeling my wet bones today. i know some kooky girls out there who call themselves angels, or pretend to be dolls or robots, or dogs, or cats, or creatures like that. there's a tension between mind and matter that rises up for some people, and i think these selfidentifications are different ways of resolving it. it feels good to be nothing but meat and it feels good to be free from meat

my facial feminization surgery timeline:

nov 30 2022: i meet with my transcareprovider and mention i want to have FFS because starting jan 1st 2023 my insurance covers it. she says ok as soon as the year turns you'll have a referral

jan 9th: haven't gotten a referral yet. i email tcp and she says sorry the process changed you need to contact another office

jan 13: i send an email to that office

jan 20: no response from them, i contact my tcp and bitch

jan 23: the office gets back to me and says i need a therapy letter

feb 6th: i meet with a therapist to get a letter

feb 9th: i get the letter and send it to the office

march 2: i get a call today saying ok we processed the letter, the earliest appointment we have is JUNE 29TH

for an initial consultation, so tag on another 2 or 3 months after that minimum. what a clownshow

how many times and different ways do i have to say that I'm fucking retarded before you leave me alone? don't give me a bullshit non-apology. i have never seen you apologize for being a dickhead for as long as i've been in hubski. you are like a terrier with a rat when somebody gives you disrespect. i didn't fucking give you disrespect. i said something YOU FOUND OFFENSIVE AND WENT NUCLEAR OVER, AS YOU REPEATEDLY DO TO THE POINT WHERE IT IS A HUBSKI MEME THAT YOU MAKE PEOPLE LEAVE THE SITE RATHER THAN DEAL WITH YOU.

i apologized for my part in this. i built my bridge. either stop strutting around trying to win the argument or stop pretending you're building your side of the relationship. please just stop. i don't want a hug, man, i want an apology.

Fer sure. You cruised around for long enough to find something to snark about. On the other hand, I read that book so long ago that I can say with confidence it's older than you are. Last time I talked to Nick Eftimiades was before The Epoch Times existed so it's not like we're buddies? But it's been 30 years and that book hasn't been discredited, no matter how much snark you mistake for insight.

this isn't politeness, this is condescension. question: did you intend for it to be condescending as a response to me pissing you off, or was it unintentional? either way, that's how it reads to me - the same way that you read my opinions as snarky or dismissive.

at the end of the day it doesn't matter who says what first, you don't go for the jugular on a friend - and if your friend pokes your eye you don't poke them back, you say "hey man WTF". there's no onus on one side or another to be kind: you just put up with each others' shit, and if you can't do it in the moment, then you fight and apologize later.

brother, you made me mad and you still kinda are, but I'm trying to bury this hatchet. that's all i got

for the love of god, i'm not retarded, i understand that putting somebody down isn't a good argument. i'm not in a debate club, i'm not on twitter or tumblr, i'm not looking for a pat on the back and a "great comment, slugger!", i am posting emotionally between customers at my shitty job. save the cheap psychoanalysis. i'd rather you pull out the age card than call me a clout shark. just stop, please.

when you pull out the "you're a child, bow down" card, you deny me a conversational path other than "i bow, sir" or "don't tell me what to do, dad" - and then we're both pissed off.

if you want an apology from me, say "you pissed me off because this is an issue i care about and it feels like you're dismissing it. what's up with that?"

and I'll say "I'm sorry for pissing you off. i didn't do it on purpose and I'll try not to do it again. what part of it made you mad?"

and you'll say "all models are wrong, but some are useful. we listen to lies so we can figure out the truth. don't dismiss it because you hate it."

put up a bridge and I'll cross it. here's my bridge:

I'm sorry for making you mad. when i wrote my post, i had no intention of irritating you and i didn't anticipate it to do so. i respond immaturely to things that i don't like, and at this point, i am so tired of fighting and arguing - i just want to be friends. can we be friends?

that's my serious opinion. it would be no different if it was in MLA, APA, or leetspeak.

i'm not your debate opponent. I'm not your enemy. i don't even disagree with you. all i have is a gut check and my gut says that the people in the intelligence community are repulsive monsters and i don't trust what they have to say. it all matters in the sense that the people with power believe it and use it to start wars and shoot people, and none of it matters in the sense that no matter what i do or think i will never have an effect on it. i read every one of your spy / war / foreign policy posts and i knock them around my skull and try to learn something. can you cut me some slack?

honest to god, can you assume I'm not trying to piss you off? and if it makes no difference to you whether I'm trying to do it or not, can you get over it?

yeah i think china has usa experts and i think a lot of them are cranks too - i don't think your opinions are null and void, i think your opinions sometimes incorporate he opinions of people that have no reason to tell the truth and a lot of reason to lie

the book's older than i am and you're older than i am. i respect your opinion greatly and your life experience is so vast and so broad, my liege - do you want me to suck you off about it every time we talk? what's the point?

i dunno man i just don't trust china watchers, china understanders, and prc-opposers in the west any more than i would trust joe schmoe of the prc to tell me about what congress is thinking - i took a quick peek at nick eftia-what'shisname and he's been saying psycho shit about china, chinese people, and other culture war bugbears while writing for the epoch times and everything

like, we see republicans and warhawks for what they are when it comes to what they say about the states: why trust their takes when it's directed outside our borders? it's all the Grey Men looking to justify their own existences or the raving maniacs that are the children and grandchildren of people that got Culturally Revolved

the simplest answer is that geopolitical rivals are always doing their bullshit and jousting with each other and this is just the time we decided to kick up a fuss. it's cold war bullshit and it barely matters whether it's a spy balloon, a weather balloon, or some Blame the Maine on Spain stuff

your analysis of the data is flawed, your chosen statistics too few, and you're playing word-games with "austerity" to define it as narrowly as you can to make yourself right. jerk off on someone else.

thought daddy detected - you'd think that a scientist would understand that if you go juicing what you expect to find before you look for it, you'll find it

i dunno, it's so tiring to see this kind of thing over and over. the befuddled articles of "i just don't get it. according to the metrics we've created, the world we created is great. so why are the kids upset? it must be those damn phones"

keep your head up queen your crown is slipping

my short answer is that you are ideologically fettered in your thinking and unbelievably naive. in short, you are a libertarian.

there was no austerity in the UK! it's just a myth!

yes, of course inflation and population growth change things, you goon - a real human being would consider that from the beginning instead of trying to score cheap points. the point is that looking at total spending is moronic: discounting "some areas getting more money and some getting less"? are you joking?

here's a quick hint: in countries with positive inflation and population growth, absolute spending will always increase from year to year barring cuts that go beyond their combined effects.

wow holy shit that's crazy would you look at that - are those externalities that I see? no, no, we can't have that!