Pubski already? TIme flew fast.
A. S. Made a long-winded comment. Deleted it. Made a concise version, instead.
Been thinking a lot about relationships today. Realized today that never but once have I felt a sincere connection to someone, and Sveta's no longer a part of my life. Other people, even those I'm on good terms with, feel like no more than that to me, and I'm bothered by this disconnect. I want to make connections, I want to be able to talk to people in a more... normal way, but I have no idea how or how to figure it out. People expect me to follow common-sense rules that I've never learned; it's no wonder, then, that people avoid me the way they do.
I don't feel like people like me. Not "most people" - that would be natural - but people overall. I suppose it's the reflection of my own self-esteem, to assume that people can't like me. I feel like the best I can do is hazard a guess at their current disposition towards me - a relic of my time under a narcissistic mother, trying to survive the waves of the whim; I don't feel like I can say with certainty what the state of things is unless I get the confirmation of it often enough. This may be why I need so much contact with people: to know that they didn't stop liking me yet and are still my friends, because this is what I'm wired for: to be liked as if it's the only reputable source of one's self-esteem. Doesn't help that best I get from people ranges from ignoring me to mixed signals to "I have other stuff I have to take care of" and never messaging back.
Further complexity brings the fact that I don't do well with normal people, those who have few problems. It can be fun, but it's never as exciting as being around broken people. I thrive on helping others overall, and broken people are most in need of "help" that, for me, really is "fixing" them. Without helping - or "helping" - I feel useless and my existence - pointless... and I know there's a better way for me to exist than that. I want to do better than that, for my own sake. I don't want to be everybody's teddy bear or doormat: I want to be appreciated, accepted and loved for being myself, something I never had growing up.
Perhaps it's a reflection of the fact that it's much easier to help others than oneself, and some of us choose to escape solving what bothers us from within with solving what bothers us from without. It's a vaguely massive pile of garbage that we have to throw away, and doing so seems like a daunting task; besides, it would necessitate that we take responsibility for cleaning it up, and that means we'd have to act on it or feel guilty; so we escape the conflict by shifting our focus and trying to not mind the smell.
So maybe I don't have a base to complain about people not liking me when it's I who acts like a doormat for people to use. I provide social utility, but not much else. I'm the smart guy who's good with electronics, and people often ask me about stuff since they think I must know it. People tell me I'm one of the most interesting people they've ever met (if not the most), but this is where it ends, every time. Sveta - the person I've made most contact with - said as much but never did as much as message me first. Dasha - the last person I've tried to build a sincere connection with, after a year of going back and forth - said that she enjoyed the fact that she could talk about everything with me and that it was interesting, which is why she didn't want to lose contact with me but, for some reason, couldn't find time to give me.
Maybe there's something I should change about the way I treat people. I wish I knew what it is. I need a plain-language and straightforward framework to work my way off of, and I don't know where to find something like that. Any tips?
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The character of Harold Finch from Person of Interest has always been one of my favourite: he's not a strong man physically, but his ethics are impecable, and that, to me, is most admirable. Having played a character as close to his as possible in Choice of Robots, a CYOA, I was reminded of the value of sincerity and following one's code with integrity, no matter the cost. Though I may not have what it takes to make my future the way I want it, it is an admirable way to walk the path.
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One other aspect I'd like to talk about is my potentially drama-seeking behavior, but I'm already at a very long comment. I'll put it here so that I won't forget it next time Pubski comes.