Chronic pain sucks and is abrasive to everything one tries to do.
My cardiologist was semi-recently put on the pain medication I'm on for a long term tennis injury and she has expressed a loud sympathy for how bad gabapentin is for ones brain.
I'm 31 and finding myself in need of basically an entirely new social circle. My supposed best friend has decided that he's going to take on the same social habits as his wife, meaning you see your 'best friends' twice a year, even though you purchased houses a 15 minute drive away from one another. I would really like to rejoin my old choir but I don't think I can keep the schedule OR physically manage standing while singing for 2.5 hours.
This is going to sound pretentious and childish and I still think it's true. When I was happiest in my life I was surrounded by people pursuing intellectual pursuits of some kind, or just general excellence in what they did. I was working daily around people who were revolutionizing their fields and actively mentoring younger people. I was receiving mentorship at a high level and was contributing to the education and experience of others. My free time was spent in an auditioned musical group that has literally won grammies and regularly performs with international orchestras, performing pieces of music that hadn't been heard on stage in more than a decade because nobody could bring together a choir that could do it short notice. The lack of peers and people further along roads I wanted to travel is ruining me.
My single effective cope in life has almost always been the idea that I will do whatever I can, as much as I can, to leave the world better than I found it. The inability to do so brings me to tears and frothing rage. If I have made any progress on the psychological front I no longer use a third of my waking hours harassing christians on social media and changing churches to garbage dumps on google maps. A side note, a high rating as a google guide will allow you to do fun stuff like that.
For what its worth, things in my relationship have improved a lot with a lot of hard work and couples therapy. I still don't really feel heard on the issues of communication when things are heated, nor on the idea that I need routine for my basic health and her fighting me on meals and sleep regulation kills attraction. It's not somewhere we got overnight and it won't be fixed overnight but at least things are generally moving in a positive direction. I am able to ask her to cool down and use words maybe 70% of the time she gets heated with me for something stupid.
I'm just gonna keep playing starfield every waking hour and continue my slow, painful gym journey. That's fun at least. I've heard every possible criticism of Starfield and I'm still not bothered by any of the complaints. It's a bethesda game, you like that flavor or you don't.