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Most restaurants don’t care about the dynamic between staff, but not being able to stand up to customers who are being shitheads will ensure their restaurant is always full of shitheads and they won’t get anywhere. They’ll just be a dive bar. I can’t speak to the situation in America but I haven’t experienced anything in a tipped job that I wasn’t expected to put up with for my hourly wage as well.
Sure, I might not have obvious reason in the form of the tip I want to deal with shitty customers instead of tell them off but I still need to keep my job. That means dealing with shitty customers. I straight up cried I think 3 times when I was a cashier, and dealt with creepy men constantly. When I was a gardener literally covered in dirt I got harassed all the time by men who couldn’t contain their excitement over a female labourer out in the wild and that job interview where I was told I should be able to handle sexual harassment at work if I want this job was an hourly pay. Tipping is something that sort of makes it all “okay” in my mind like at least I’m not putting up with it all for minimum wage anymore.
I don’t know the wages in BC very well, it has never in the time I’ve been working been okay to pay a server what they are paid in some states. Having said that, when I started working 10 years ago I made more on minimum wage than your federal minimum wage is now.
Unfortunately in this industry a big problem is just what kind of place the owners want their restaurant to be. The story were the server told her boss about a shitty customer and he was only kicked out after a fight ? A good manager who didn’t want to manage a dive bar would have kicked him out long before that because they knew he would be a liability and cause problems in the future. It’s not just servers giving up power, it’s management doing the same and letting the customer dictate what kind of bar they’re running to sell drinks.
I’ve worked in to many customer facing positions to think changing wages will change anything. Even if I don’t make tips/make a good wage (which we do in Canada) I would still be expected to brush most of this stuff off. I get hit on more but I get treated better as a server than I did when I worked in a grocery store. The problem with how we don’t respect people who serve us goes way beyond our wages. Honestly, I’ve been harassed in every industry I’ve worked in, at least wth serving I’m not doing it for shitty pay.
This is something I've actually thought about a lot. When we take self defense in high school we are basically taught that we need to seriously injure somebody quickly before we are overpowered. A bigger, stronger person can fight somebody off in the same scenario, they don't understand the burden of having to possibly cause somebody permanent disability. I know I wouldn't leave that scenario without questions. What if I just waited a second longer, what if he was about to let up (que analyzing every minor detail), what if somebody else was about to come to my aid who could have overpowered him in a non-lethal way, what if it didn't have to end this way over and over and over again. That's something you don't just wake up and move on from.
Recently there's been a debate in Canada over firearms use in rural property theft. Basically people are mad, cops don't show up in time and they feel like they just have to let this happen. Obviously in a scenario were you are defending your life you are allowed to kill, but you aren't allowed to kill to defend your truck. You definitely aren't allowed to shoot somebody who is running away. The thing that really struck me is that people have no idea what they are asking for. They are frustrated and they want to be given permission to act on that frustration but they haven't considered for a second what happens after they kill somebody. They can't take that back, it fundamentally changes a person. There are soldiers who return from war struggling to come to terms with how they have killed people and these people act like shooting somebody on their property over a truck won't screw them up. I don't think you should ask to be allowed to shoot somebody if you don't even understand what it means.
So to get to the point, it very often is a death-penalty offense today but I'm not okay with that and as a society we need to realize that we can continue to make progress on this. In order to make that progress we need to be able to have compassion to say no, this man shouldn't have had to die, he should have had support and programs that helped him deal with his anger issues before your friend ever had to take on that kind of burden. Women have come a long way in society, violence is down and it's not because women all got guns. I've had to think about this because I've been in bad situation that thankfully didn't end badly, I don't wish I could have carried a gun. I wish those men got the support and help they needed to not turn out like total pieces of shit. I wish that they, as young boys, were in programs to keep them on a good path so that I, as a grown woman, didn't need to sleep with a weapon just to fall asleep. I'm mad at the people who vote against that, because as a society we have had opportunity to do this. I get that at this point in history I need to know how to defend myself, but I don't want anybody to act like that's okay. That I need to just accept that because there will always be bad people. We have come so far as people that to just dismiss that progress and say well that's just how the world is is such pessimistic crap. This is just were it ends ? This is how far we get to progress ? That's shit.
Picking up girls at louds clubs only works if you are the type of guy who will ask a girl if she wants to get out of here after never saying a word to her and then turn around too another girl in the same group and asks the same thing after she says no/looks confused. That much rejection crushes anybody even remotely attached their self.
My unsolicited advice is to start small. If you dove in head first the swimming lessons wouldn’t have gone very well either and you likely would have been discouraged. Everybody you see and compare yourself too started small as well, maybe that was years ago in their adolescence but nobody gets to skip it. Can’t really give you specific advice on good next steps since I don’t know where you’re at but maybe write down what you are comfortable with/how far you get and then instead of seeing it as a jump from their to relationship figure out what you can do everyday to interact more. Maybe you could make more eye contact, at the very least exercises like that just get our brain on the line of thinking about these things in my moment. Like writing down emotions, it’s a conscious thing at first but then it gets to be more natural like it is for the people with normal childhoods.
You can always work on any skill you want, this is nothing different.
I get that they’re embarrassed that their citizens are regarded as the worst tourist but you don’t get to cut corners when it comes to development. They just need to wait a few generations for things to improve.
I decided when my hair started going grey (apparently actually white ) that I would just go for it when most of my hair changed and that I wouldn’t spend a sizeable chunk of my life worrying about roots. That day is quickly arriving significantly earlier than most people start loosing any colour and I’m actually pretty okay with it. Maybe if I was 20 years older I might try to push it a bit but if all goes according to plan I’ll have like at least 60 more years to go. 60 years of trying to hide white roots with dark brown ? Nah, fuck that, it looks so much worse than just going white and adding a little colour here and there. With white I’ve got a blank slate that realistically I could just dye brown any day. Which has me wondering what this all means, because clearly it’s about more than hair.
Aside from that I realized I’m a perfectionist which is screwing up my life, and had a setback with the concussion recovery. It’s all okay though, I started meditating since it’s good for the brain, will get back into yoga once I’m able too, and saw four different doctors who all validated my concerns every time I went back. That now out numbers the crappy doctors I’ve seen and this concussion might just save my life one day when I go to a doctor instead of decide I hate them.