I dated a guy in HS for 2 years, we lost our virginities to each other, etc, etc. He's married now.
He reached out to me on Facebook a few weeks ago. Just a "Hey, what's up, been thinking about you lately, wondering how you're doing."
Innocuous? Sure. Could be. Could be if you weren't an ex, could be if we had ever socially/casually talked anytime in the past 8 years, could be if we had had a conversation deeper than "How's the weather" anytime in the past 11 years, and certainly especially could be innocuous if it weren't for the fact that literally, of all the people either of us could possibly talk to on this entire earth, I'm the only one who took his virginity and vice versa.
So I waited a few days and thought about it and finally said, "Idk, how's your wife doing?"
Because also, all of that "could be innocuous but for..." certainly includes "the fact that we're exes and you're married now but trying to privately slip into my DMs and chat out of nowhere without even mentioning your wife/you got married, SINCE you're supposedly trying to casually catch up with me after all this time."
He took a few days. He came back to me with, essentially, 3 points: 1) You're right that first message probably make me seem like a fuckboi; 2) I'm reaching out to you because time has taught me the value of friendship. And when you were in my life, you made me feel more accepted, and understood, than most/almost everyone I've ever known since. Also you pushed me to be the best version of myself, too. I've lost friends over the past years. I need good friends, people like you, in my life. 3) I did tell my wife I messaged you and after I told her all my very good points in Part 2), she agrees with me! I need good friends. And you are a good friend! Because 12 years ago, I feel that you were!
I know often, things like this aren't worth feeding into. The guy clearly wants attention, and any of it is preferable to none. But his stupid comments had got under my skin.
I said, "I'm sorry you feel you peaked in high school." I said "I'm sorry you're reaching out to me seeking, solely, as you've explicitly stated, your self-gratification and feel-goods." I said, "I'm sorry you think you're the same person you were 12 years ago, or that I am." I said, "I'm not."
I said, "Other people don't bring out the best in me, I do." I said, "I don't grow when surrounded by utter, unquestioning acceptance."
I said, "I'm not an old or good friend of yours."
Because if we used to be friends in high school but now haven't talked for 10 years and you're hitting me up? Idc who you are. You used to be a friend, and I might be open to being friends again, but you don't get to skip in and out of my life every decade and maintain the same status. People change. Shit happens. I don't know who you are anymore. We aren't friends, person who came in out of nowhere trying to trade on past relationship karma and feelings which haven't been questioned or validated for literally years and years and years.
I said "I'm glad to see you've managed some happiness; got your degree, got married, presumably have a career and success and so on in your life. I bear you no ill will. But that's the extent of how I feel, and how I want to feel, about you in relation to me in the current day."
I said "Let go of the dead past and get rid of those double-thick rose-colored glasses you've got."
Then finally, I said "Bye."
- lil this feels like a lil talk thing