I'm alternately living in hotels, my car and one night in an Air B&B that was a violation of several county ordinances. I detoxed myself off of alcohol which is not easy or a particularly good idea.
AND I'M STILL WORKING ON MY GRAD SCHOOL APPLICATION BECAUSE FUCK YOU LIFE! I'M TOUGHER THAN YOUR SHIT!
Pour me a strong one bartender, I need to vent.
"I regret my failures. What I regret more are my failures to try."
Last Friday I had a great evening with a bunch of my colleagues. My company, small as it is, has a handful of 'divisions'. They're like business units except there's no management and everyone is self-organised around a topic. So I went with the ten people involved in sustainable transportation (mostly EVs and carsharing, but in the process of tackling more) to this great Ethiopian place. I've never had Ethiopian before, but they brought out two enormous plate full of food for everyone to share and eat. Spicy, but delicious. To cool our stomachs, we went out to a few bars that were participating in a local-brewery-fest. It – the evening, the people, the places – was incredibly gezellig.
But I still ended up wallowing in self-pity on the way back home. We ended the evening at a small club, and after the music got too loud to talk, I just danced a bit while sipping yet another beer and watching people. I'm not the kind of guy to go talk it up with girls at a bar – never was, never will be. I've also been alone for like forever, and I can't say those two things haven't gnawed at me. So while other people were having fun and/or hooking up, I just felt incredibly, eternally lonely, despite being with great people, and having friends that I value in my life. And I did not try anything, because I don't even know where to start.
The next day, after waking up and taking my swimming class slightly hungover, I decided to make a change. If I can go from 'not at all moving forward' to 'doing a mediocre front crawl' in a few weeks, surely I can show some dedication and persistance in other parts of my life by giving it a try. Making an effort is worth something in my book, and I'm not even doing that. So I gave that one app another shot. No dates yet. Maybe I'll give speeddating a try. I don't know what I should do, but I want to try harder.
Hey! Here's a random middle-aged white guy on the internet, who thinks his ideas are going to be just the thing to get you over this hump! Listen up, young one, while I mansplain it to ya...
----
We are clouds of chemicals. Everywhere we go, we have a chemical cloud around us. When we get in close proximity to someone else, they can sense our clouds, and we can sense theirs.
Ya know what your cloud was like while you were standing in the middle of a lively bar, moping and being all moody and goth? Unwelcoming. Uninteresting. Defensive. Walled-off.
What kind of person is going to find that a compelling cloud to step in to? (Hint: Nobody you wanna be around, for sure!)
---
You can't engage with anyone else until you sort out your cloud. And, honestly, why would you force that kind of darkness, negativity, and mopeyness on someone else anyway?
So here's the thing.... you be you. Go make yourself happy. Do the things that make you happy. Do stuff for yourself. Get a massage. A haircut. A pedicure. Smoke some weed. Spend a day out, walking aimlessly, and just going in to cafes you have never been to, and have whatever they sell. Be with your thoughts. Wear headphones with nothing but the sound of waves or white noise, and let your head do whatever it wants to do.
You have GOT to find a way to be comfortable in your own skin. With yourself. With your mind. With who you are.
Until you sort that shit out, trying to have a relationship with someone else is just being mean.
Be with that thought for a bit...
(Good luck, my friend. I'm being all tough-love here, and it may resonate with you, or it may not. I hope it does.)
Thanks, goob, it is much appreciated. :)
I wasn't actually being a sad panda out there. What I tried to say is that despite having a good time, or maybe because of it, I was confronted with what I feel like I am missing out on, which happens to be an aspect of my life that hasn't changed in the last decade. It doesn't feel like a hump, it felt like a reminder of the valley of insecurity that I was thrown in as a kid and am still climbing out of.
I have made a lot of progress, in no small part because of a bunch of people reading here. I like my job, my friends, love my family, I am getting smarter every day, and I'm physically and mentally fit. (Hell, I might be getting actual visible abs if I keep this swimming thing up! It's bananas.)
But I want to share that with someone on a deeper level, and my apparent inability to do so makes me feel like the loser they used to tell me I was.
And that is probably not true, but that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt.
We all have doubts about ourselves. If we didn't we'd all be dicks like Trump.
Doubt isn't a bad thing in and of itself. But it shouldn't hang around. Don't feed it.
Look it in the eye, evaluate it with a clear head, learn what you can from it, and then discard it. Doubt is a reminder to look inward from time to time, and make sure you are who you think you are.
Doubt is a fortune cookie fortune: Interesting in the moment, but useless in the long run.
(And by the by... the "sad panda" visual that appeared in my head almost made me spit out my coffee, it was so funny! Thank you for that!)
- Doubt is a reminder to look inward from time to time, and make sure you are who you think you are. Doubt is a fortune cookie fortune: Interesting in the moment, but useless in the long run.
I love this. Much better advice than any fortune cookie I've ever read. Doubt, particularly about self-worth, is the bane of my existance, but it must end.
PS: you're welcome 🐼
Did your friends get laid or actually succeed? I'm guessing probably not at the end of the day your probably didn't do any worse then they did.
Getting girls at the club is a special skill (and not a very useful one long term) , good for a fun night or two but not much more than that so focus your efforts elsewhere and don't worry about it too much.
oyster gives good advice, follow that.
Picking up girls at louds clubs only works if you are the type of guy who will ask a girl if she wants to get out of here after never saying a word to her and then turn around too another girl in the same group and asks the same thing after she says no/looks confused. That much rejection crushes anybody even remotely attached their self.
My unsolicited advice is to start small. If you dove in head first the swimming lessons wouldn’t have gone very well either and you likely would have been discouraged. Everybody you see and compare yourself too started small as well, maybe that was years ago in their adolescence but nobody gets to skip it. Can’t really give you specific advice on good next steps since I don’t know where you’re at but maybe write down what you are comfortable with/how far you get and then instead of seeing it as a jump from their to relationship figure out what you can do everyday to interact more. Maybe you could make more eye contact, at the very least exercises like that just get our brain on the line of thinking about these things in my moment. Like writing down emotions, it’s a conscious thing at first but then it gets to be more natural like it is for the people with normal childhoods.
You can always work on any skill you want, this is nothing different.
- So here's the thing.... you be you. Go make yourself happy. Do the things that make you happy.
I love this advice. I've been me more the last couple years than I was the previous 30+ years. It's great. I actually think I'm happy. I'm still single, and I think I'd rather not be, but that feels more comparable to "my marathon time was 4:28:14 when my goal was 4:20:00" and not "I can't run 5 km."
I hear your brother.
Some unsolicited advice regarding loud clubs: They're pretty terrible places to talk to girls, as you said. They're also stellar at making you feel deficient if you feel like you're supposed to be there for something other than the music. But they can be fun if you dance your ass off. Certainly a little liquid courage makes that easier, but this semester I've been sober and I've still gone out a few nights just to dance around. The liberating knowledge with clubs, as in many incomprehensible social scenarios, is that no one really cares what you're doing, how you look as you dance, as long as you're enjoying yourself.
Do you like loud dance music? If so, clubs might be for you. But you might just not like loud music, or the particular DJ. But when the music isn't scratching your itch and you're watching other people have the time of their lives, that's a recipe for a sad walk home.
Douchebaggery is often the result of the bravado necessary to power through both parties' fundamental instincts to keep to themselves. The real question is: can they turn it off? Because the ability to act like a douchebag without becoming a douchebag can be useful in the first few hours of relationships. The ability to not be a douchebag is what keeps them going.
Things I tell preschoolers every day that I would like to tell grown-ups:
You need to use your words if you want something. I want to help you, but I only can if I know what you need.
Sometimes, you should just walk away if someone keeps causing you problems. Sometimes, you staying around them is part of the problem.
Ask before touching - people and things.
Worry about whether you're following the rules, not about if other people are. If everyone does that, it'll be ok.
The flowers are for everyone, not just you. Please let them grow.
EDIT: If you play with the water, you're going to get wet. If you don't want to get wet, don't play with the water. (They never listen to this one.).
Pubski on my birthday, aw yeeee. Drinks are on me.
I've always loved bonsai trees and I was gifted a 5yo Chinese Elm. Unfortunately, its potting situation is a bite dire. It's all pot-bound and stuck in a compacted, organic nursery soil. This makes it more difficult to keep it watered correctly and it will also hamper its growth. What's more, it's too late in the season to fully re-pot it.
I'm going to try to slip pot it, which consists of just lifting the whole thing out, placing it into a larger pot, and then surrounding it with new bonsai soil. I've got some molar clay for this purpose, which will allow for much improved drainage and aeration. Usually a soil mismatch like this wouldn't be advised as the roots might not grow into the new type. However, there's lots of long roots hanging loose out the bottom of it currently, so hopefully they should take to the new soil without too much trouble. I'll also gently rake the edges of the root ball to loosen some of the smaller roots to help them find their new home.
I'm going to let it live outside too, which I hear they much prefer. Fingers crossed I can turn it into a happy little tree.
Happy birthday, old friend! Any new music of late?
Awesome! When the time is right, please ping me. I am looking forward to hearing it.
Today was busy. I had calls back to back all day long. No gap. I got home at 6pm and had to request 15 minutes of alone time to play the drums. Then we went out to dinner for my mothers birthday and I left my phone, intentionally in the car. I wanted to be fully present for my family. But... it's so damned hard to turn it all off. All I think about is work. The to do list is insane.
I can't remember what life was like before this anymore.
On a positive note, I was able to re-watch The Last Jedi on a recent flight and I have to say... I liked it much more the second time. My expectations were lower and I realized that it was a fine film. Not great, but fine.
I've been recording a few songs here and there while in Michigan. Check out #hubskioriginalmusicclub.
Hope everyone is well.
I saw your tunes. I'm busy this weekend, but I want to try to add to at least one of them.
Keep making music, fam.
That's awesome, sp00ns. It would do me well to hear parts from another musician, especially an old friend. Hope you are well, pal.
Today, on my 2-year anniversary at my current job (which nobody at work has noticed or acknowledged) I will be working on my resume for submission to a large online retailer that begins with an "A".
See, I was hanging out with a writer friend, and she and I were talking about our jobs, and I expressed an interest in the project she is working on, and she mentioned they were hiring, and I said I liked my job, and she asked how much I make, and I told her, and said I'm really happy because I'm being paid well, and she said, "you are being robbed", and then told me that she - equivalent skills to mine, experience, doing essentially the same job, etc. - is making $40k MORE than I am making, and suddenly the clouds parted and the lights beamed down on me, and I realized that I'm in a seriously good situation right now in my personal and professional life, and that I should milk this bitch for all its worth, and get the getting while the getting is good, and grab the proverbial bull by the horns, and stretch, and ... well ... update my resume.
So tonight I will be updating my resume and submitting it to my friend at Amazon, and she's going to recommend me for the job, and I also know a couple of people in key product groups who can also vouch for me, and I'm gonna bring them in on the campaign as well.
And maybe I'll be changing jobs soon. We shall see.
And I think I'm getting a head cold... bleh...
- I'm in a seriously good situation right now in my personal and professional life, and that I should milk this bitch for all its worth, and get the getting while the getting is good, and grab the proverbial bull by the horns, and stretch, and ... well ... update my resume.
YAH BUDDY!
You're in a good place man. Super excited for you. I hope you'll keep us posted.
Heh. I've been employed for more than 30 years.
My employers get the hours they pay for. They get me, fully, for those hours. I don't screw around, and I produce excellent work, consistently. So they get what they pay for.
(Note: I'm happy to stay as late as necessary, once in a while, when the project actually warrants it. But if the expectation is "free work", they can fuck right off.)
I basically don't live anywhere for the next three months. Planned a very last minute vacation to Arches National Park in two weeks...with a weekend summit of Mount St. Helen's permitted for the following weekend. And maybe work travel to Knoxville in between.
This is fine. I'm living what, to me, is an interesting life with a job that pays enough to sustain it. What more could I ask for.
Knoxville is a nice town. I have a friend that owns a bowling alley there that is in a really neat part of town. His bowling alley is pretty swanky. You should check it out:
If I do end up there, I will tell him you sent me!
Some motherfucker punched in my passenger window and stole my backpack on Monday which only contained my loose leaf paper notes on Differential Equations WHICH IS THE EXAM I HAVE TOMORROW. What a fucking week. Finally got to the point where I could scream/cry it out after I got my window repaired yesterday. After dinner I had gotten to counting my blessing. Thankfully, I have an amazing study group I'm headed to now (hows that for isolating less, new years resolution?). On top of this, after the exam, said lady friend from a couple Pubski's ago is coming over with whom I get to cook some stresses away and unwind with some AtLA. Have plans for Friday night with the local music scene, a lead on a job after college, and some mother fucking brunch on Sunday. I'm determined to make this week end as goddamn high as it started low.
All-in-all, that's my week.
On a total side note: where's lil?
A short survey for Hubskiers
1) How many books do you have within arms reach at this exact moment? (You can lean over to grab it, but you can't leave your seat)
2) If you could choose an animal familiar, what would it be?
3) True or False - Rocky IV is the quintessential American Cold War Film.
Life
There's a lot going on right now and I feel pretty overwhelmed. I have a job offer that I may or may not take. I'm still trying to figure out how to swing going to college this fall. I've made some new friends recently, one of which is a really cool person who is so much like me in a lot of ways it's pretty amazing and I've also reconnected with some friends I literally haven't seen for months. They're the kind of friends where everyone says "We need to have dinner soon!" and everyone says it with earnesty and enthusiasm, which is amazing.
Spring is finally here and with it comes the sense that literally anything in life is possible. Every year around this time I tell myself "THIS IS GONNA BE MY YEAR" and every year it ends up not being my year, at least not in the way I expect. But whenever I look back, for all the ways I feel like I came up short, I can name just as many ways I grew. I feel genuinely lucky that I'm able to recognize that, because it keeps me going. So once again, I can feel it. This is gonna be my year.
It's not a contest for most quintessential Hubski post!
On a serious note, the reason I prefer war games and strangelove (in principle) is that they're not about a war or invasion per se. There about what happens when we try to remove the human element from the most human activity (politics), and instead let the dispassionate machine decide who dies and when. They do this of course without regard for the fact that it's humans who are driven by fear, prejudice, paranoia, and hatred who are programming the machines. They're stories about how the internal politics of fear will destroy us. To me that's an important story that transcends the cold war. Plus Matthew Broderick.
- It's not a contest for most quintessential Hubski post!
They're all prisms through which the Cold War can be viewed. My love for War Games also knows no bounds:
I could probably make the argument that Red Scorpion is as worthy of the title as Red Dawn. After all, it's Dolph Lundgren pretending to be Russian again, in Apartheid South Africa pretending to be Afghanistan, produced and with screenplay by Jack-i-shit-you-not-Abramoff. However, considering this statement:
- On a serious note, the reason I prefer war games and strangelove (in principle) is that they're not about a war or invasion per se. There about what happens when we try to remove the human element from the most human activity (politics), and instead let the dispassionate machine decide who dies and when.
Why not Failsafe?
Oh.
Dude.
It's Strangelove without the madcap humor. Henry Fonda and Walter Matthau.
Strangelove is about the insanity of MAD. Wargames is about our excess trust in technology (which is saved by our childlike insistance that computers are people) Failsafe is about a process we no longer control.
1) 13 including textbooks, 4 excluding. Tight living quarters, also swivel chair. Kavalier&Clay, Team of Rivals, Fear & Loathing on the Campaign Trail '72, and The Hare with Amber Eyes.
2) The exotic Asleepicus Takeanapien
3) False
1. A coloring book. I'm working on a picture of some giraffes with my daughter. They are psychedelic giraffes with various color schemes.
2. I hate pets in my games. One of the players in our table top game is playing an awakened dog ranger, he is doing a good job so far.
3. False, it's Red Dawn.
1. My PC is in an 8x10 room with the walls lined with bookshelves. Being generous with my reach, I could swing around and touch some 300+ books.
2. Wolfdog or a mountain lion.
3. I've not seen the Rocky movies, or if I have I do not recall them. And we all know that War Games is the best Cold War movie.
1. Four, the four books doubling as monitor stands. They're all textbooks or reference books. I'm at work, and if I cheat and don't get up but do roll my chair there are two more, including a fantastic power system reference from 1953. It's still applicable today.
2. A sandhill crane.
3. False. It's Hunt for Red October.
The intro is a good place to start:
http://www.webdiplomacy.net/intro.php
I figured things out as I went along during the first game. Jump in and learn!
This evening I fly out to Dallas-Fort Worth for a three-day gymnastics meet. I'll compete the floor, rings, high bar, and vault. I've been practicing for seven months. I'll be sure to have the routines recorded and will compile some highlights. Check back next week :)
I scheduled an appointment with a counselor in regards to my last week's concern. I was telling a dear friend who recently moved cross country about my disjointedness--how I feel lonely and disconnected from my surroundings. And she asked me, What are you doing for other people? When's the last time you did something that wasn't for your direct benefit or improvement?
And I realized it's been so long since I've volunteered, helped a friend move, dropped things to make someone's life easier. I think I've neglected that.
Research paper for IR due at 1600. We do a thing for it, hop out of uniform into something funny and hand it at the last second. I got to write about Armenia-related things which was cool. By got to write I mean it's 20 pages but I still have ~1000 words.
New relationship going awesome except ongoing punishments include loss of privileges which means I don't get to take pass and won't see her for a few more weekends. New relationship ends May 23rd when we both have to go about our summer, and she graduates her master's and flies back to LA for the time being. Planned a weekend at a beach house ab&b to send it off. Really not happy about it, she's pretty wonderful.
Got the hot chocolate packets with mini marshmallows in. 10/10 would childhood again.
I turned 26 on Monday. No muss no fuss. Going out for dinner tonight to celebrate.
Had a conversation on Tuesday with a mentor of mine regarding health stuff that really shifted my perspective on where I am now, where I am heading. Gonna have another neck-needling procedure in the next month or two and the results of that will inform our approach to the next few years. Lots of mixed feelings about all of this. To keep things vague and borrow a helpful phrase from my mentor 'You started on a balance beam that was about 6 inches wide and getting narrower. You can be understood and forgiven for wobbling a bit as we get closer to the knife edge.' I have been wobbling, I have regained my balance. Life goes on.
Cheers to another year hubski.
Happy birthday a couple days late. Hope you have a nice time away dinner tonight.
I booked my flight to New Mexico to do some spring hiking. I haven't booked any hotels yet. I'm debating making this a backpacking trip. Pros are lower cost, higher effort, and more time outdoors. Cons are more luggage and an exceptionally large pack to deal with expected conditions (there is likely snow at elevation). I need to see if I can pack mild weather overnight gear plus winter day gear. I think I can.
To be determined is how my body reacts to higher elevations. I'm in the best shape of my life, but that doesn't mean I'll be immune to the effects.
Modest Mouse is playing in Albuquerque the night before I fly home. I've never seen them.
I'm looking into live streaming my recital. I just need to like, actually figure out the logistics. For one, i need to borrow a camera, I have a decent mic.