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tacocat




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tacocat  ·  link  ·  parent  ·  post: Pubski: April 25, 2018

Because reasons I tracked this down yesterday and turns out this post is exactly one year old today:

I just spent too much effort on a weird garden path rant after learning what incel is. Anyway. I should have posted about this first.

I maybe am more open with you strangers than most would be given my problems. I was gone last week. My step dad sent me to the crisis unit because I showed up drunk to his house. He lost his shit when I came back after discharge to get my car and said some very hurtful things I'd rather not think about right now.

That link is to a telling of my life up to that point when I was very hopeful. It's a half hour long. And long story short, everything that was giving my hope at that time fell apart spectacularly in a way that I didn't think I could recover from or survive.

But here I am. Technically but not legally homeless because the definition is ridiculous here. Grinding it. Selling free used books. Writing. Avoiding trespassing charges by buying things I can't afford or parking where it's unlikely a cop will find me asleep at 2AM. Accepting charity from my mother and ignoring the guilt. Being frighteningly energetic after 29 hours being awake out of necessity, fear and bipolar mania. Motivating myself for a time to spite people by succeeding but knowing that isn't sustainable. And not really complaining because I was raised not to. And maintaining my political progressive optimism that people are good, government can work, wanting to make a career of that and not being bitter despite all the justifiable reasons I could be. A little bitter about some things. Fuck certain people for good reasons.

As soon as today I will have an apartment through the local mental health agency that's been helping me. I got kicked out of sober living a month ago but that means I can be friends with the owner who is younger than me and a great guy and I'm slowly meeting other sober people who are good people.

I'm pretty OK.

_____

Little aside: people younger than I, don't follow your heart. I think people still say that but the world has changed in only 20 years and young people are maybe a little more pragmatic today. I was always somewhat aware of the underlying, unspoken unhappiness in my family. I was the oldest. I was the test case and I remember more of an early, unhealthy marriage with inexperienced parents.

After high school I semi consciously decided I wanted to be happy, that money was unimportant despite living towards the lower and of middle class when I was a kid. I majored in art, dropped out of school for a girl in another state who dumped me right away. I lost a full scholarship and a great internship. I re enrolled in college and chose an even less practical art major.

That's just 17-20 year old decision making of a person who wanted to be happy but had no idea how to do it. I've been arrested four times. I've tried to sleep on the grass in February. I have never had anything close to a career. A lot of that is entirely my fault. Some is unfortunate circumstance and the hand I was dealt. Some of my role is being naive which I suppose is excusable.

The median age of hubski is pretty high. I don't know who I'm directing this at. But if you follow your heart and try to do what you love, love what you do and get paid or whatever platitude I bought into at one point. It's going to be hard, risky, you might fail, you might end up with the opposite of what you want and you might end up places you didn't expect and maybe weren't supposed to go.

I suppose at the moment I am content with a suitcase in an airbnb, a computer that's too old for what I will end up paying for it and almost everything I own jammed in a closet for a while. I have some people who seem to care about me who I didn't know eight months ago. Contentment is a goal perfectly attuned to reality and happiness is just something you get occasionally when you're lucky.

What in the Craig T. Fuck?

I say that because I watch amateur YouTube documentaries about serial killers for fun and watched some Elliott Rodgers videos and read his manifesto at some point after the shooting. I'd shoot his fucking mother in 1978 if I knew he'd be a hero and had a time machine.

https://media0.giphy.com/media/3o7aD4h0wC20QBySuA/giphy.gif

Bear with me. I have no thesis and my brain is sorta like a wikipedia made of sentence fragments that can still send you down a rabbit hole from Spider-Man to Johannes Gutenberg in two degrees of separation so this may become a rambling mess. Maybe it'll average out to coherence.

I'm incredibly liberal and consider myself an LGBT ally and a feminist. The latter being somewhere between radioactive and a terrorist organization right now for morons. And as a man (ignoring a buncha shit from squawking online morons) is somehwat problematic because, well, I'm not a woman so I have a limited voice in the thing and I feel a little hypocritical. Women wanted to vote and society was like, "Fine ladies, just don't vote for the handsome one. HAHA." Little later society is like, "Well, I suppose you pretty little things can get an easy little job if it makes you feel good. <...you might get raped at work... also that's your fault for wearing lipstick and heels...>" Stupid oversimplifications done, and we're at a point where the conversation can't seem to go anywhere but to the accusatorial in my opinion. Which is why I feel like a hypocrite. I'm not perfect and I'm a man and in order to be supportive I can really only be empathetic which means I have to reflect and the shitty things I've done. None ya damn business honestly, I gotta live with it, but the worst part for me is that as awful as I feel anything I've ever done to a woman is, I know what I've done that I deeply regret is not so bad that it wouldn't bother basically 100% of men who aren't interested in listening and being reflective, self-critical and introspective. The conversation is maybe like, "Knock this shit off!," with the reply of, "Shut up cunts, I'm a good guy and I didn't do anything." Not exactly but I don't know that there is a collective conversation to be simplified for rhetorical purposes for a variety of reasons. We are at the very hard part of change if you ask me where the institutionally powerful are starting to feel heat that can't be ignored or tossed off with meager effort. So you get the sober, benign-seeming academic Jordan Peterson saying essentially that, well, I don't know. Look him up. I think he's awful and I cribbed the thing about lipstick from him. You also get Richard Spencer who is a Nazi.

Not quite apropos of nothing, but my recent roommate was "opening up" about how bad it felt that his recent ex girlfriend wouldn't have sex with him sometimes when he was in the mood and that was fucked up "because guys always wanna fuck." And I just gotta sit there, not look at him and be like, "Uh yeah. Life's rough." I've been around a bunch of bros for about a year and he's comparatively not so bad to the worst I've seen and heard. FFS.

I feel that current feminists, cultural progressives, people who I generally agree with have something of a messaging or branding problem. Compared to some alt-right leaked strategy they're almost a bunch of five year olds running around with scissors or a class lecture with forty professors speaking at once. Depending on my mood. My oldest reddit account is over ten years old. I was on /b/ until I (quickly) got bored. No word is off limits in my vocabulary, I'm abrasive and down-right rude in person sometimes and I do not give any shit's about offending anyone and if I massaged and edited that some it'd be safe to assume I may be an MRA or something awful (LOL, I'm so clever). Like, Lena Dunham (who I do enjoy with caveats but needs to STFU sometimes) is arguably one of the most prominent, if not vocal, feminist voices you may have a problem. Gloria Allred she is not. (I'm losing steam, here. Sorry.) But fuck, fight about what you care about like you give a shit and don't worry about triggering someone to go off to the safe space. We need more vocal, tough ladies like _refugee_ and maybe Emma Gonzales than Dunham's faux intellectualism and what I hear about is going on on campuses. Fairly or unfairly it's based on something. I don't know because I'm 35 but umm, fuck your safe space.

I'm reading this:

And drinking the Kool Aid.

Hari seems to have a point that a lot of our problems are due to a lack of meaningful connection. We're clever apes who figured out how to work together to help each other to survive which led to civilizations which led to simulations of civilizations where like minded toxic people can use that instinct to become worse. Isolation is absolutely a huge problem. Not because some losers can't sack the fuck up and realize they are the reasons that they can't get a girlfriend and are not entitled to a quick fuck. (Well, maybe in the instance of the van attack it is.) We are collectively doing nothing to combat isolation and are encouraging it with any number of reasons ranging from the grinding and meaningless tedium of the service economy to placing the value of a matching Askvoll chest over meaningful connections that I'd wager have always been rare and are now down to an average of 0.

I tap out. I gotta go watch cats fall off counters on Youtube or something.

The question of funding for this thing is so stupid to me after hearing about it objectively on Fresh Air. The guy is a former MI-6 agent who gives zero fucks about American politics. He has absolutely no skin in the game.

It's raw intelligence. Steele says he doesn't know if some prostitutes peed on a bed and it's closer to a rumor.

Of course there's partisan denial but honestly, can people not handle anything that isn't clear cut or does no one bother to learn about issues outside their own echo chamber? Which I suppose I learned about the Steel Dossier in my own but NPR is light years away from Breitbart or a 2A Facebook page.

It's all fun and games when an irrelevant sex offender who shoots flaming arrows says he wants to lynch the president but being ashamed of an illegal act of aggression towards a sovereign nation or not pulling a bald eagle out of your ass during the anthem before a ball game, well sir, that's just too far and I'm gonna have to go to my safe space for a while. I mean man cave. Or bar. I'm never offended. I ain't no pinko queer.

Murica!

o hai guise

member me?

:(

I'm about to go chase children around with a broom for being on the lawn I don't have. I'll be back when I get bail money

There's a chance that's not green pigment. Blue is almost totally unheard of in the animal kingdom. Blue Jay feathers look blue because of how their structure refracts light. I think that might go for green feathers too.

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Either there are too many internet subcultures to keep track of or I'm getting really old. I have no idea what that means. Granted I didn't try hard to figure out.

The internet is so fucking weird

Surly? This thicc ram has been confusing the shit out of English farmers on Twitter for a week or so because likes and retweets are internet heroin or something

https://mashable.com/2018/04/09/museum-of-english-rural-life-absolute-unit/#Z359gUMxGsqm

She was upset about that suggestion to the point that she went on Instagram and said she's never had plastic surgery. I have no idea who the fuck she is so it was pretty weird when I read the story about a perfect stranger not having some work done.

Yeah well I got a lotta bullshit to deal with at the moment so it's maybe healthy to rant against the president or an ex girlfriend. At least that's what I tell myself to justify my behavior.

No apology needed

Jesus Christ.

I go back and forth about whether I'm entertained or horrified by the antics of our commander in chief and his cheerleaders.

At the moment I'm along the lines of how the fuck am I supposed to stay sober when this shit is happening.

Fuck the world. Fuck James Corey for his late interview. Fuck every Trump voter. Let the bombs fall and let me not suffer terribly because I'm in a vaguely important strategic area.

Humanity was a nice experiment. It failed let's just end it because we have people like Alex Jones crying about what might be the least bad thing this shit president has done.

I'm highly cynical because I'm in a hotel room and back page is gone

I'm in a bad mood. Just let me roll with it and don't ask how serious I am about any of this dumb shit.

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