Shortly after, I realize that I still have a lot to say.
I feel incomplete without other people's affection and attention. I long for others' appreciation, because I'm hollow. I don't have anything to measure myself with, nor do I care to. Lying on my bed a minute ago, contemplating the thoughts that came into my head during the previous post, I was wondering whether somebody have already read it and replied with words of kindness, support, care. Without it, my effort seems fruitless, even as I understand it to be otherwise.
I'm an introvert who requires others' attention. How weird, and how peculiar.
I can't see myself doing something that doesn't permit outside praise. I only went through with #tfgsworkout because I knew people would be watching, and people would be supporting, and people would be caring. As I finished my Week 1 post, I stopped caring about the rest; I went for a bicycle ride today, and the halfway-and-back across the city left me tired and without any wish for further physical activity. I declared today "REST" in the workout table, even though it's far more appropriate to call it "SKIP". I wasn't tired before I went for the ride; I wasn't feeling it even before.
I keep hearing about doing things for one's own, but it doesn't make sense to me - to the me that sits in the background and actually rules the scene. I realize the reward for such a noble activity as helping oneself, but it doesn't settle well with me, given how almost every time I bailed instead of staying and actually doing something. It feels pathetic, even though it isn't.
When I think of great things, I think of the family that I would have and the loving wife I could come to when I feel weak and incapable - which won't happen because I ought to be always strong, always capable, always ready for anything. I have standards most people will rightly find ludicrous, and it is by them I attempt to live without any success. I imagine myself in a big house without having to worry about money because I've - we've - got enough to spend and plenty to come. I imagine myself finishing the great stories I've planned for when I become more capable in finishing them, which is the day that never comes closer. I imagine myself in plenty of other ways which don't seem to correlate well with reality, and this lack of correlation puts me into deeper depression; I care less because I can't care more.
I tried to persuade myself into the lesson #tfgsworkout brought me so far: that only through work can I achieve those grand things as I've already achieved small. Yet, my mind won't see any of it: the deeper me wants the house, now, and the family, now, and the wife, the money, the stories, now, now, now. No matter how many times I tell myself that I'd do this and achieve that, I reach the only thing that holds true among the hubris: I don't care about it. I don't care about myself.
I enjoy pain. I like beating myself easily with a stick or a handle or a hanger that I like playing with with my hands. I like patting my legs a bit too much from time to time. I like the pain that comes from BDSM. Maybe I don't feel whole without pain. Maybe I crave it, despite how morbid it might seem to me. Enduring pain by choice lets me delude myself into feeling in control of my life, of myself. It has no other purpose than to regain control of myself; after all, control is always there - it's the feeling of it that vanishes with the pain undesired. The choice is there, but I choose to let things happen to me and, instead, feed the illusion of control - what does it say about me?
Maybe I've lied again. Maybe I don't see myself without pain, as much as one doesn't see basketball without the ball. Maybe I don't make sense to myself when I'm not under stress, or pressure, or pain, or any other kind of suffering. Though speculations, they start to make sense.
I've always done that. Discern life into little manageable pieces to have the feeling of control over it. Learn everything about everything in order to understand it: there's no fear where you understand. It's what the younger Sherlock does: he's terrified of life and does everything his powerful brain is capable of to make sense of it. Maybe there's no sense to make. Our lives are one big mess where nobody can see beyond the length of their hand, trying desperately not to clutter it even further - how much sense does it make?
I've always seen myself incomplete without a person by my side that I could trust and love, and who'd trust and love me just because she cares about me. Not because I can serve as the sponge for her emotions when she feels like those are undesirable, foreign, alien; not because I can help her with whatever she needs because I'm a nice guy and enjoy doing things for praise; not because of any other stupid reason people come up in order to justify themselves being more of a mess than they wish to be - but because she cares about me and will allow me to care about her, without any conditions. I long for such a person, even if it might be another ideal I will never reach.
I often fantasize about a life I would have. There, in my fantasies, I'm not prone to emotions, I always have the right attitude - mature, confident, rational, soft-spoken yet undaring, unassuming, small-minded even for such a big mind (because the latters are what I always was; I can't imagine anything else); I always have the girl, even through conflict, and often I save her in one way or another to win her heart, because that's the kind of thing that would make sense to the me in the background; and even if problems come (boy, do they always come), I will overcome them, despite feeling powerless and outmatched (because I don't know how else can I feel in those situations).
In my fantasies, she's always there: imperfect just in the right ways, capable of caring more than I ever will, sensible but reasonable... and so on; I feel like listing those qualities are just another jerk-me-off. She's always by my side, and I can come to her when I feel weak and incapable - even though I never would, because I ought to always be strong, always capable, always ready... The truth is, I'm terrified to meet a girl, because she might be not perfect, and I would mindlessly act on those imperfections as if they're the important thing, completely forgetting my bigger goal of trust and acceptance that I myself yearn. Still, I wish for her, even if it doesn't make sense: when it comes to me, things ought to go differently, for some reason. I don't have to be reasonable about myself, but others are always a fair game, especially if criticizing them will bring me the so-desired ego boost that I can't get in any other way.
I'm broken, and I don't know a way to fix myself. Then again, maybe it's not me who's broken: the world around us is full of subtle shaming, telling us that it's all our fault that our lives suck, even though we can't realistically make it any better. Personal responsibility is always on, but what else do you call it when excessively-sweet drinks producers promote exercise while leaving no attention to diet? Maybe I'm under the influence of things we don't notice; maybe I do, in fact, suck as a healthy person. I feel the need to ask someone else, someone no doubt more experienced and capable...
...even though we're just garbaging through the mess left behind by others, not being able to see beyond a reach of our arms, trying desperately not to suffocate and, meanwhile, to leave some legacy for which we are to be remembered.
What you want is validation for your unhealthy worldview wrapped in an answer and you're not going to get it. All these people are trying to help you and none of your responses are appreciative because no one is going to validate your bullshit. I don't feel bad for taking a harsh tone because nothing anyone is going to say is going to satisfy you. You are the problem and unless you're willing to accept that and meet someone halfway you're going to remain miserable even if you get professional counseling where you'll probably try to rationalize your misery to the counselor like you do to everyone here. I'm speaking based on all your recent posts where you navelgaze looking for attention. I'm about to filter your posts. I'm depressed too but this isn't your blog where you can seek attention for feeling shitty. And every attempt you've made to leverage hubski into a therapy source just make you come off as borderline combative because you're not getting answers you like.
You're right: it is an unhealthy worldview, it is bullshit that I was saying when I was writing the post and I am not appreciative of others' help as much as I ought to be. I don't have the healthy marks, or milestones, in my head to measure myself against, so I appreciate you calling me out in such a way that doesn't diminish or disrespect me while providing a healthy, meaningful, thoughtful perspective. I find people at Hubski healthy mentally, even those depressed, so it's no wonder I come here looking for attention. So far, I haven't learned a better way to call others than to raise a shitstorm and see who stays around despite, which I recognize to be a bad practice that will alienate many of those who'd otherwise stay and provide an advice or even something beyond that, but I don't know how to do better. I also keep hoping to find here something that will set my mind straight; I don't have such resources around me unless I go out of my way to piss people off, which isn't desirable. Here, people speak their mind up and will tell far more eagerly if I mess up and where if I did. I wish that I'd know of a better way to reach out to people, especially to such a thoughtful and thought-provocative collective as Hubski. There's much more to the problem than what I've listed, of course. As such, I know it might be a stretch to ask, but - don't filter my posts; instead, look at them and tell me what did I get wrong. I could use a healthy perspective very much, especially when I'm in a shitty mood and willing to drag others along with me. This, too, isn't healthy, and I could use someone sticking a branch into my side at those moments. Whether you will do that, I appreciate you coming here and calling me out in a respectful manner.
It all comes down to this. You've lived your whole life into an environment where people have raised you to feel this way - because otherwise, there would be nothing holding you down to them, and so they would start feeling hollow again. But you know what you can do? Yes, BE the girl. Be that imperfect being who makes mistakes. And just as you wouldn't berate that girl, don't berate yourself when it happens. Try things. Praise yourself - be the person who, when you've achieved something, sees that something and is glad it happened. You 'enjoy' pain because it reminds you that you're real. It's the only sensation you know that is yours - deep down, you probably feel that joy and sorrow was almost always borrowed from elsewhere. But pain? Pain is yours. You cause it, you experience it - and no one can take that away from you like they took the feelings you had for yourself. You're not weird, and you're not alone. You feel like an introvert that needs other people not because it's strange - but because, by nature, introverts need a single person to rejuvenate. And you've been cut from yourself - your inner self. And so you wish, and seek to replace that inner self with someone else - someone who will make you feel whole. But truth is - you're only not whole because you've been raised to separate your inner self from your outer self. In other words, you need to be your own slave. Tell yourself to do things. Don't hurt yourself - but don't be afraid to be hurt either. Try new things. But most importantly - take control of your own existence and rediscover yourself, otherwise someone will take control of it and tell you who you are, and it's seldom good. If you can, pick up meditation. If you can't, don't pick it up for yourself - pick it up for that unknown girl that you dream of. Do it for the person you want to be ready for. Explore who you are. I used to feel the same - I've only started being able to trudge myself out of that place in the past few years. And I know what you mean by that you can't not focus on imperfections, and the ego boost that comes with it - I've felt it too. But you want the truth? You have that mindset because you were on the receiving end of it for most of your life. But the most important thing is, find yourself before you find your significant other. Because otherwise, I guarantee you'll be back to the same spot if things go wrong, and you'll develop a dependant personality. It's going to be hard. But you'll make it. But you know what's the best part about rediscovering yourself? There's someone on the other side waiting for you. Go on, start working and go meet yourself.I'm broken, and I don't know a way to fix myself
There, in my fantasies, I'm not prone to emotions,
That's not a good thing. I know WHY you feel that, but it's not something that you should feel - because emotion is what makes us human. And when YOU stop feeling emotion, you will look to others for it.
Does it? I do, in fact, think a lot - often running myself into vicious circles of self-hatred and self-pity. I'm sure it's not a good thing, even though I can barely resist it at times. It doesn't sound like a lot of people going through this, either - some rough times, like you have sometimes, but nothing as severely self-down-putting as what I've felt when I was writing the post.That sounds fairly normal for a young person who thinks a lot.
Yeah, going into this spiral because you didn't exercise suggests to me, based on my age and experience, that you could use cognitive behavioral therapy to teach you not to hate yourself. But I also know that getting that sort of help doesn't happen unless a person is ready for it. Lots of people who ruminate do get a little help to get some perspective on how loathsome they aren't.
Let's sum this up. You say you have the following: Pervasive need for approval; grandiose dreams; need for immediate gratification (poor impulse control); compulsive need for control except in certain specific situations where giving up that control becomes erotic; sense of incompleteness; unrealistic expectations of a dream woman to compensate for lack of interaction/confidence with real women; need for others to validate self instead of being able to rely on self's validation of self. I'm not going to bother to tell you to truncate and google these results; I have a fair idea of what'll show up. (Cut out the adjectives and modifying/specifying phrases.) Sounds like you need to get yourself to a therapist, man, cuz otherwise, shit is not sounding very pretty for your personality. Yeah but sorry bro what you describe is basically textbook fucking DSM-V symptoms of narcissistic personality disorder. Even if that doesn't jive with you check out the other 3 personality disorders (antisocial borderline histrionic) - they share a lot of traits. But yeah. You are saying you're a narcissist here, just a narcissist who's aware of it. But clearly still OK posting shit tons.
Well, you tend to make long posts lamenting selfishness/need for other's approval/etc. I think what ref is saying is that continuing to self-indulge in these behaviors by constantly posting about yourself isn't healthy, because you know it's a problem yet continue to do it. Personally I'm glad you have an outlet here to talk about your problems, and it's good to get feedback from peers for self-improvement, but I think ref has a point that you need real-world therapy.
I do. Until I have access to it, though, self-therapy is my best course of action. By talking, I access my mind in ways otherwise impossible, and through the talking I already did online, I've learned more about myself than I did in months prior. It's not that I enjoy having an outlet - it's that I can't not enjoy it: it's the only place where I can speak my mind and people will listen and reply with a certain level of understanding and even advices. I've never had such an outlet; to have it is a pleasure and a good use, and I'm grateful, humbled and honored to have it. _refugee_, if what caeli's suggesting is indeed what you think about it, I suggest you give it another thought, this time giving my problems the respect and space they deserve. You may not like what you see, but please, let me be me. Right now, it's the only way the real me can exist away from the world that causes me so much suffering; hopefully, it will change as I move to the university. If you think that I'm a shit person, by all means, think so - but don't give me shit for doing what's best for me right now. It's not nice, but it makes me better. Give that respect.I think ref has a point that you need real-world therapy.
Uh 'scuse me (Stay tuned for edit update) First, your problems or your perceived problems don't actually inherently deserve my time, attention, investment or respect. Those are granted by me to you when I feel like it, am interested, and think it's deserved. Second, it's pretty bad form to demand someone who chimed in on an open conversation you started asking for advice to re-think their comments basically because you don't seem to like them very much. Let's repeat that: demand. You didn't ask me to clarify, you didn't say please, you decided you felt entitled to more of my investment that I had already decided I was willing to give. 3. So self therapy, you say? Imma be skeptical. See: 4. So you don't like it when it's pointed out that, while in this post you present your need for attention as problematic, it's clear to your audience that you are actively and frequently indulging in behaviors that directly feed into that "problem." You think that pointing out that, well, let's just say that if you're trying self therapy via these posts, really what you're doing is just saying "give me attention." To me, that doesn't sound like an effective way to self therapize toward a cure for your need for attention. You asked for input. You didn't like getting called out for your behavior. Sorry bud, you can't ask an open community to give you feedback and then get snitty and not only reject what you don't like hearing, but fucking demand it be reassessed so that it aligns more with what you think you want to hear. Talk about an echo chamber effect. Go on and think about that. Or not. You can make all the self posts you can; I am not going to stop pointing out they're attention grabs simply because you don't like being honest with yourself.I suggest you give it another thought, this time giving my problems the respect and space they deserve
Ref, It's past 11 PM on the clock, and I've been up since 4 AM, doing my running and shit for the workout table; turned out, I do care about it. It's the third revision of this message I'm writing, and by now, if you've lurked through my personal posts enough, you must know just how big my defensive messages get. Those two were defensive. So, it would be best if I lay out my thoughts on the matter right now, in short and as straight as I can make them. You want to be honest, so let me be honest back. That message I'm replying to? It isn't about me anymore. You've got tangled in anger and inacceptance, much like I did plenty of times before, struggling with the imperfect reality. You're infuriated not by what I did but by what I am, and it's not the first time I see it: you've wrestled with plenty of people online already. I don't want to be one of those people. If you'd like to discuss the whole matter - yours and mine - further, in private, I'd like to discuss it as well. Despite not knowing you for anything like a long time, I consider you my friend; an Internet friend, but a friend nonetheless.
Dude. _ref_ is giving you great advice here, and yeah, it's not very feel good. But it's also necessary given these posts. You're putting motives and words where there aren't any, at least the way you're interpreting it. She's given me, and plenty of other people here, sound life advice. It's up to you what you're going to do with it.You're infuriated not by what I did but by what I am, and it's not the first time I see it: you've wrestled with plenty of people online already. I don't want to be one of those people.
Well see this is sort of what ref was getting at. It's pretty narcissistic to say that you deserve to be respected. I'm not trying to say you're a terrible person or anything, just pointing out that it's this behavior that turns people off. No one has an obligation to be patient with you, but this seems to sort of be what you're expecting, so then frustration ensues for all parties.I suggest you give it another thought, this time giving my problems the respect and space they deserve
I can see how it is now. I believe that everyone should get an equal amount of baseline respect as per the idea of credit of respect. In your opinion, how do I best communicate this idea? Should it ever be vocal, or must it always remain subtle?It's pretty narcissistic to say that you deserve to be respected.
I'd like to learn how to express the idea in the most effective way in most context. I'm asking your advice not for my and ref's sake, but for my own solely. Whether I come to apply it when it comes to ref is irrelevant to message you were replying to, as I didn't put such meaning in it.
Let things take time to work. It sounds like you've been deciding to do things. Don't be sad if you give up. Just accept it, and return to it when you are ready again. Change takes time. You seem to be moving in the "right" direction, or at least a direction that I find interesting
Well you are never going to get as much attention you need, from online friendships. The amount of happiness or chemical validation, is just too small. I recommend the book The Continuum Concept by Jean Leidloff. It is about how affection affects social development. It is a pretty controversial and tiring, way to parent. Though the therapies for adults at the end help people with cold parents. You are not perfect, the girl you are looking for, isn't either. You should learn how to have an affectionate relationship, before you go too deep into BDSM. Chemically snuggling, releases Oxytocin, which is similar to opiates and helps you bond with others. Don't engage in kink without the groundwork that says it is all pretend. Working out 4 days in a row is a big deal, you are only supposed to work out three days a week. Everything takes time, to learn how to do things well. Writing, kink, accepting yourself, all take practice and discipline. You need to work from the ground up, accepting yourself, and others. Remember, kink without a wink is abuse.
So I mostly watched through the videos, it really doesn't touch on anything about adults. If I remember right it said, that adults should create spaces where they were non-sexually affectionate, and accepting. I remember something about round benches were people sit in a circle and hug. The methods she writes about are pretty extreme, but they sound like the opposite extreme to your childhood.
Accepting yourself enough to have an affectionate relationship, would do the same thing. You eventually feel accepted enough, and become more confident. Make affection your goal for a while, and get to know girls before things get too dramatic. Every girl you fall for seems perfect, because you project yourself into the things you don't know about them. That is a really short lived phenomenon.
You don't have to listen to me, but a relationship would help you grow, and make you feel better. Relationship advice is way easier to give, than attention.