Well you are never going to get as much attention you need, from online friendships. The amount of happiness or chemical validation, is just too small. I recommend the book The Continuum Concept by Jean Leidloff. It is about how affection affects social development. It is a pretty controversial and tiring, way to parent. Though the therapies for adults at the end help people with cold parents. You are not perfect, the girl you are looking for, isn't either. You should learn how to have an affectionate relationship, before you go too deep into BDSM. Chemically snuggling, releases Oxytocin, which is similar to opiates and helps you bond with others. Don't engage in kink without the groundwork that says it is all pretend. Working out 4 days in a row is a big deal, you are only supposed to work out three days a week. Everything takes time, to learn how to do things well. Writing, kink, accepting yourself, all take practice and discipline. You need to work from the ground up, accepting yourself, and others. Remember, kink without a wink is abuse.
So I mostly watched through the videos, it really doesn't touch on anything about adults. If I remember right it said, that adults should create spaces where they were non-sexually affectionate, and accepting. I remember something about round benches were people sit in a circle and hug. The methods she writes about are pretty extreme, but they sound like the opposite extreme to your childhood.
Accepting yourself enough to have an affectionate relationship, would do the same thing. You eventually feel accepted enough, and become more confident. Make affection your goal for a while, and get to know girls before things get too dramatic. Every girl you fall for seems perfect, because you project yourself into the things you don't know about them. That is a really short lived phenomenon.
You don't have to listen to me, but a relationship would help you grow, and make you feel better. Relationship advice is way easier to give, than attention.