I'm broken, and I don't know a way to fix myself

It all comes down to this. You've lived your whole life into an environment where people have raised you to feel this way - because otherwise, there would be nothing holding you down to them, and so they would start feeling hollow again. But you know what you can do?

Yes, BE the girl. Be that imperfect being who makes mistakes. And just as you wouldn't berate that girl, don't berate yourself when it happens. Try things. Praise yourself - be the person who, when you've achieved something, sees that something and is glad it happened.

You 'enjoy' pain because it reminds you that you're real. It's the only sensation you know that is yours - deep down, you probably feel that joy and sorrow was almost always borrowed from elsewhere. But pain? Pain is yours. You cause it, you experience it - and no one can take that away from you like they took the feelings you had for yourself.

You're not weird, and you're not alone. You feel like an introvert that needs other people not because it's strange - but because, by nature, introverts need a single person to rejuvenate. And you've been cut from yourself - your inner self. And so you wish, and seek to replace that inner self with someone else - someone who will make you feel whole. But truth is - you're only not whole because you've been raised to separate your inner self from your outer self.

In other words, you need to be your own slave. Tell yourself to do things. Don't hurt yourself - but don't be afraid to be hurt either. Try new things. But most importantly - take control of your own existence and rediscover yourself, otherwise someone will take control of it and tell you who you are, and it's seldom good.

If you can, pick up meditation. If you can't, don't pick it up for yourself - pick it up for that unknown girl that you dream of. Do it for the person you want to be ready for. Explore who you are.

I used to feel the same - I've only started being able to trudge myself out of that place in the past few years. And I know what you mean by that you can't not focus on imperfections, and the ego boost that comes with it - I've felt it too. But you want the truth? You have that mindset because you were on the receiving end of it for most of your life.

But the most important thing is, find yourself before you find your significant other. Because otherwise, I guarantee you'll be back to the same spot if things go wrong, and you'll develop a dependant personality.

There, in my fantasies, I'm not prone to emotions,

That's not a good thing. I know WHY you feel that, but it's not something that you should feel - because emotion is what makes us human. And when YOU stop feeling emotion, you will look to others for it.

It's going to be hard. But you'll make it. But you know what's the best part about rediscovering yourself?

There's someone on the other side waiting for you. Go on, start working and go meet yourself.