I feel paralyzed, captured, confused, and need to vent out of every pore. It feels like some kind of tradition for me, after more than four years on hubski. To write something, vanish, and then come back with another outpouring of emotions and brain-garbage. But, there is no other place for me, but here.
It has been exactly one week since my life was turned upside down. I mentioned in a Pubski last year that I started to date a girl (lets call her Sarah) with which I did not fall in love but liked the way I was discovering things I like about her instead of the other way around. It just felt good and we both had a good time so we went with it. After a few months she developed feelings and confronted me, asking what was my state. I liked her more but did not feel in-love. I explained that I like what was happening and that I would like to give it a few more months.
Four weeks ago I packed my bags, heading back home (Israel) for a wedding of a friend and family visits. Two days before flying back to Germany I met someone that rekindled feelings I did not feel for a while. It made me feel bad about my situation with Sarah. I was not able to give her the love she is giving me. After thinking about it for a week, I decided to talk to her. She already knew/felt it. The talk was uncomplicated and we both agreed to keep this going till August, where she would move away to start her first public position as a teacher.
One day later, after enjoying a nice Saturday in the city, I am feeling good. I dealt with the situation and it seems both sides are fine with it. I get a phone call from Sarah. Crying, asking me to come over. I arrive at her place, and see an ambulance car in front of the house. My heart drops. I go into her flat and see her sitting on the floor of the bathroom, crying.
She did a pregnancy test. It was positive.
About five weeks ago we had a little accident which lead us to the closest pharmacy to get the "Day-After-Pill". The pharmacist said that her period might be shifted by a few days, up to a week. She was 3 days late on that Saturday afternoon.
My first reaction was to panic. I felt so hot that I had to take off my shirt. I sat down next to her, looked at the test and started to browse through my memory of medicine and the internet what situations could lead to a false-positive. Many options, a cyst, urinary infection, some rare diseases... But in the back of my mind, it was there, looming, the feeling that this is our reality now.
An hour later we did another test, re-reading all the instructions in the package, it was positive again.
From that moment, the panic started and I have a bad recollection of the timeline. Already here I felt helpless, powerless. For the first time in my life I was placed in a situation that would change the course of my life completely, and I, in reality, have no say in it. I felt like I was kidnapped... Sarah is a strong woman that learned to deal with things herself, just like me. She is also a teacher for the disabled and had her fair share of stories that involve women aborting their pregnancies after a Down Syndrome diagnosis and then regretting it. Which made me shit my pants even more, as I felt I could be, in the worst case, just left out of the equation, with as simple "I will just do my thing". This feeling scared me, made me angry at her, made me angry at myself for getting myself in such a situation. Stop, no, I won't let my brain simulations take over, we don't know for sure...
The first step was to get a doctors' appointment first thing on Monday. We went to the doctor and she confirmed it. Sarah is pregnant, about the six weeks in. It was a short relief. For the first time in two days, we knew something for a fact. But as I said, it was short...
Our obvious option is to get an abortion. In Germany, abortions before the 12th week are legal. All you have to do is go to a consulting session - that is forced, by law, to be neutral - get a piece of paper from them that we had the consulting, get the addresses for the clinics, and then wait three days before proceeding with the abortion.
She called there first thing in the morning (it was Tuesday) and got an appointment a week later. A week, on this timeline is one looooong period.
From that point, a roller coaster of emotions, panic attacks, and crying started. We talked that same day and I realized she is not sure if she wants an abortion. At that point my brain sets to blank. I cannot understand why/what/how she even considers that...
We met two days after the doctor's appointment to go for a little hike, just to get things out of our system and I notice that she seems confident, not as emotional as the day before. After talking, I realize that she talked to a friend of hers that got pregnant while traveling at the age of 21 and decided to keep the child. Her friend realized that Germany is particularly good for single moms with a newborn and there are many support systems...
At this point I would like to drop the timeline and move on to a process I have been going through. My brain is forcing me to go through every possible situation and endure that pain that comes with it.
Step One: The Egoist
I am in the third year of my PhD. Earning O.K. to live but not what anyone would consider good. I have 1-2 more years in my PhD and then (after contemplating where my place in this world is) I want to go back home, to Israel, as I have not found a home in Germany. In addition to that, family wise, I am basically alone in Germany. I have an old Grandma and an Aunt (that has her own problems to deal with). Besides that I have many friends, but no "net" to catch me when/if I fall.
The first thoughts and fears that I got revolved around how much this will affect my life. She will move into a city two hours away, I am stuck doing my PhD, we are not staying together, I have no support, she barely has any support... How will that work?
I am not settled financially. As I said, I earn enough to cover myself, but never enough to pay for a child. I will feel trapped in a place I don't want to be. It would force me to stay in Germany, a place that I cannot stand anymore, after 10 years...
And then, the effects this will have on my family at home. You must know, I grew up in a conservative town with comparably liberal parents. In that town (and larger family), everyone is connected and is governed by tribal rules and traditions that anyone in the west would consider archaic.
If my father found out that I have a non-marital child, his first reaction (after getting furious) will be to force us to get married (which will not happen). The second step will be his choice but both options have large implications.
Either, he chooses to stand by my side and risk getting my whole family (my mother and two sisters) to be excommunicated and shunned by the whole city. Or, excommunicate me. Each of these actions will carry further ripples through my family with outcomes I don't even want to think about, as I am getting nauseous writing it down.
Eventually, I thought, "fuck it, let him excommunicate me!". I knew I will have my fights in life, maybe I can stomach this one, its only me that is suffering, right?
Step Two: The Child
After, kind of, taking into account what could happen to me, a thought popped up, which I first ignored, and it was "What about the child?".
I had/have a troubled relationship with my father. He was never able to show emotions and love. It might be due to the way he grew up, as one in 11 siblings in a farmer family where a man is not supposed to cry and show emotions. His father was also hard on him and even though he might have tried, he was also hard on me. I suffered a lot under this. I did not turn out the boy/man my father wanted. I am not particularly masculine or tough and as a child I was much closer to tears than my pals. My mom once told me that my father was worried that I am gay and that he was very relieved to know that I found women attractive...
When I was in Junior High School a group of guys started mobbing me. After telling my father, he arranged for me to move classes into a better one. In the new class, things did not get better,rather worse. It got to a point where I would be beaten up every day after school. I remember packing my bag 5 minutes before the bell rang just so I could sprint out of the classroom so no one could catch me. When I told him about it, he just told me to "man up!", not realizing that I was, after 3 years of it, suicidal.
My childhood is littered with stories like this where I was not the boy my father wanted. But still, I am his first-born son. So I was always a source of shame when I grew up.
I swore to myself, that, when I have a children, that I would be a much better father than he was. I will be there for my children, whatever happens. Accept them, however they are. And shower them with all the love that I did not get from him.
And how can I do that in the situation that I am in right now? How will this child grow up?
"You don't have to be there, I can take care of it alone".
Do you think I could live with that. Knowing that I have a child, sitting 5 thousand kilometers away, wondering why his dad is not there? The child will grow up knowing that he "does not belong". Without a real support net and with a heavy baggage on his back.
Not belonging. A feeling I am very familiar with. Of being "not here or there". The Arab, the Israeli, the German, the Polish. Everywhere I am a foreigner. With time (a lot of time) I learned to wield it as a shield but it was hard, very hard. Who am I to wish that to an unborn child, in addition to all the other problems? At least I had a net, a family, to fall back to.
And what happens when the child wants to see his father? his grandfather? His family he doesn't know? He will be faced with disgust and shame, just adding to that feeling of "non-belonging" that he grew up with.
I can't be the father I want to be. I can't.
Step Three: Her
I have had all the possible emotional reactions towards her. I sympathize with how she feels and then I am angry at her for not choosing a rational choice. Then I realize that she is pumped with hormones leading to all kinds of emotional reactions. I try to be there for her, more than ever. Try to ease her suffering. She is nauseous all the time and moody.
And she sees it as me trying to push her into aborting the child. That my help and efforts are bound to that decision.
In a way, she is correct. When I think about the possibility that she decides to keep the child, she is basically saying "fuck you" to every thing I want and and the future of the child. It feels to me as if it is a purely egoistic choice of her to keep the child, not caring about what impact that choice has for the child and me. And honestly, I do not know if I want to spend another second with someone that acts so selfish...
She is making me feel guilty for asking her to abort the child. She is afraid of the complications, the effect of this abortion on her future chances of getting pregnant, about the guilt... I wish I could take that burden from her. I wish I could, Sea Horse style, take over the child and do the decision myself. But this not how things work in humans...
I wanted to know for sure how bad an abortion is. Going through the scientific literature showed me that the complications are very very minor and there is no scientific support for a reduced chance of fertility after abortions. Is she lead by misinformation? Is her fear false?
What do I know. I am just the onlooker from the side that is dealing with his own fears.
________
What is killing me this time - compared to all the other challenges I faced in life - is that this one; first, is not in my hand and I am simply sitting there and suffering, and second, it affects more than just myself.
Every other time, it was mainly (in the end) about me dealing with the situation and finding a solution (and live with the consequences).
This time, I feel like all my limbs are cast in concrete and all I can do is stare into the abyss and suffer.
If you got this far. Thank you. Thank you for dipping into my fears and suffering. Thank you for being part of it, even if it was for 5 minutes.
And now I feel horrible for posting this on mothers day...
Update: after the counseling session First of all, thanks to everyone who commented and offered advice. While sometimes I felt like people were harsh, I know that no one here means bad towards me. The (mandatory) counseling session was very hard for both of us. The counseling is set to place to inform everyone about all the possibilities with a strong emphasis on encouraging couples/mothers to have their children. And this is also how it felt. Even thought I was allowed to state my point and why I think it will not work, the focus was on her. I understand that, I see/know where it is coming from, but it is still not easy for me... Nevertheless, I think both of us got a lot of information. What financial support can be expected from the state (it is a lot), how much money I would have to pay (about 300-500 euros per month, depending on my salary) and what the legal options are. The counselor was very adamant on going through all the possibilities there are to keep the child. While it was hard for me to listen (and sometimes) discuss it, I see its value. On the other hand she also informed us about the possibilities for abortion and took away many of the doubts that Sarah had. Apparently, the internet is a mine field of false information about abortion... I stated why I did not want a child. She also stated why she does not want the child, but "would manage" if she would keep it. We talked what positive and negative things will come out from the birth and also (which was nice) what this process did to our relationship. Even though I thought the whole session (which took about two hours) was a little pushy, it was good in general. I got to the point where I can only say that I have to trust Sarah with whatever choice she is going to take. Even though if it is keeping the child, I will support her and the child as much as I can, even thought it has that bitter taste that I was not taken into account. The counselor suggested that we take the time to decide and treat ourselves good, as this is a hard time for both of us. Sarah is going on a week long holiday in Italy and I guess I am will go climbing/hiking. I think the best for me is to assume that she wants to keep the child and deal with it. It will ease my mind the most, I guess... Tagging everyone interested: b_b, oyster, lil, _refugee_, steve, humanodon, goobster, kleinbl00
Honestly, there is no "right" or "good" answer to your situation. I'm glad you had the counseling session, and discussed all the options. You have both done the due diligence together, and gone to your own corners to think about all this information. I've got nothing else to offer here, so I'll just quietly step out of the room now...
I'm a relatively new father, and I will say with full confidence that it just isn't that complicated. I'm not in grad school anymore, so I can sympathize with the added stress that would be. However, being a dad is minimal compared to being a mom. Just since a couple days ago my kid has learned to pull himself up and stand on two feet (with tons of help balancing). He gets up, smiles about how proud of himself he is, then sits down again, repeats. Sure it takes time, but fuckin-a it's not difficult. I sure do miss going to the movies pretty often, reading as much as I did before he was born, and traveling guilt-free, but those things are minor. If you want to be a good dad, then just be one. I can say from my experience that while I felt a deep sense of responsibility from the moment the kid was born, I didn't feel any profound sense of love. But the more time you spend with him or her, that changes pretty quickly. When I found out my wife was pregnant I was stricken with anxiety, bewilderment, fear, regret, and I was already married and financially stable. You quickly realize none of that matters. Rich or poor, young or old, married or not, the only way to be a good parent is just to make a choice to be one. Your life will have some adjustments, but you're still you, you still have a full future ahead of you. Who knows? You may even enjoy it. Chin up. You're obviously a smart dude with a lot of life experience, you could make a really good dad, if you allow yourself to be. The one thing you always should keep in mind is that there is one thing every living thing on the planet has in common, and that's that none of us asked to be here.
I am trying to imagine myself doing what you just said but it is just physically not possible. She is moving away in 3 months. Into another city that is 2 hours away by train and I am stuck in my PhD for at least another two years. There is no possibility for me to be there for the child all the time, which means that it will occupy every weekend I have if I want to be a good dad. What I don't like about the situation is that she chooses to force me into this situation. Knowing fully and well that we had other plans.
I think what you need to come to terms with is that you weren’t raped. The only thing you are a victim of is circumstance, just like the rest of us. She’s making her own plans about being a single mother because she doesn’t want to force you into anything. You’re asking her to walk away from what she see’s as her future child as if it’s so simple... so why is it so hard for you to consider the same option for yourself ? You’re not being forced into fatherhood, but you don’t like what walking away says about you, right ? Maybe she doesn’t want to be forced to be a mother, but she also can’t come to terms with what an abortion says about her. Starting to understand her position now ? she chooses to force me into this situation.
Thirty years ago my girlfriend got pregnant. We decided to get an abortion. The guy gets over it and moves on. The woman does not. I have numerous female friends who have had abortions. None of them regret it. But no matter how long ago it was, they all still "feel" it very much today. It is always present for them. It's best to think of an abortion not like a medical procedure, but as a psychological one. Like therapy. It will change a person, and forever inform who they are, to themselves. You are in a tough place, no doubt about it. The only thing I can offer is this: The problem/issue/decision is over there, on the other side of the fence. You and Sarah are standing side by side looking over the fence at the problem/issue over there. Make sure you are ALWAYS in this stance... side by side together, addressing the problem. It is not HER problem. It is not YOUR problem. And if it ever gets to "me vs you", break out of the moment, and role play. Switch roles. Argue the other person's side. This will help re-level the field, and get you both on the same page again. Good luck.
Thank you for the advice. It is not making things easier, knowing that a woman never forget that... We are going to the mandatory consulting in a few hours but we had a long talk yesterday night and it was the hardest so far. Her reasoning for having the child is purely emotional "Oh, I feel like having a baby when I see all those other babies". No rational thinking about what impact it will have on both of our lives, whatsoever. Is that normal?
I’m not going to pretend to know what she’s thinking, but normally when a girl starts making her plans on her own/telling you she won’t force you to be apart of it it’s just because she needs to start thinking about those things and you’ve made it clear you don’t want what she wants. It would be like preplanning a funeral or suggesting an elderly person write a will, it’s just stuff you have to do. She’s already 6 weeks in, it sounds like she’s not down with an abortion for whatever reason so she’s looking at what type of support single mothers have and how she can make it work. She’s counting you out because she doesn’t want to be the girl who trapped a guy, or forced a guy into fatherhood. Those women are given a lot of grief whether they deserve it or not and most women put a lot of effort into staying free of negative female stereotypes. Seriously, the effort we all put into not being that girl is ridiculous. I know it’s easier to push her away by making her the selfish villain in this case but you will only end up shooting yourself in the foot with that kind of thinking.
We didn't have an earlier chance to find out she is pregnant, which is why she is in the 6th week. As described, you have to go through a procedure before you get an abortion and that will take 2-3 weeks... It is hard for me to accept that he decision is not rational. What changed? We used contraceptives, we took the pill after, all of those measures to not make a pregnancy happen. And then it did, what is different? We both still don't want children, why is she going for it? This is what I am trying to understand
I personally don’t want a child now, but I’m not pregnant. I’ve got a friend who’s now-ex told him when they started having sex that she would be fine with an abortion, I laughed and said that was stupid. Anybody who claims they know what they would do in a situation they’ve never been in lacks self-awareness. Preventing pregnancy is different from terminating pregnancy. She is living every second of every day knowing something is inside of her that could become a person. I’m guessing emotions aren’t your strong point, but have you ever lost somebody ? And then thought at a later date what they would be like now ? Or what holidays would be like with them ? She’s 6 weeks and she can’t exactly pause things. There is a human growing inside her and she needs to deal with that. You might feel like she’s moving forward without you and that’s because she probably is. What you’re wrong about is that it has anything to do with how she feels towards you. It has to do with how there is a human growing inside her and she needs to deal with that. Do you enjoy winging life ? Do you like to not know which direction your life is going ? Now try and picture how much you would hate doing that with a human growing inside you. Too add, all of this is perfectly rational. Her life took a turn, she has considered her option, she’s even spoken to friends to see what type of support she would receive and if it would work. You’re both being emotional about this, her emotions not aligning with yours doesn’t make them irrational.
Hey there, I understand that this is a complicated situation. I won't pretend to understand all of what you're going through, but I will say that I've confronted the question of abortion. Unfortunately, more than once. All I can say is, each time I made it very clear that if she were to have the child that I would do my best to be the father that the child deserves. On the other hand, on each occasion I also made it very clear that I was nowhere near the man that I needed to be in order to be that father. I think that those conversations were well-received because I didn't put the focus on myself or my well-being, but on the future that the child might have. To be honest, I still wonder sometimes how my life might look if things had been different. Either way, I know that each time the woman was agonizing as much as I was and I think that in sharing my worries and by hearing what she had to say that we were able to find a way forward that worked for us. I think that in the end, the best that you can do for yourself is to do the best that you can by her. Life is long and weird, and strange. There are plenty of questions that we can't know the answer to until much later. As you're only human, be as human as you can. Maybe there will be opportunities for better outcomes as the situation emerges, but that's only possible if you're able to engage in the situation together. I don't mean that you should stay together, just that the lines of communication stay open. Anyway, I wish you the best man, that's a rough road ahead.
I'll totally pretend to give you answers. know the difference between FEELING helpless and BEING helpless. So okay. You went on a trip and met a girl and felt titillated and infatuated for the first time in a while. Happens to literally every person in a long-term relationship. I flirt recklessly. My wife knows I do. She also knows I come home to her because a lot of it is situational. Infatuation is exploring the possibilities. Love is cherishing the realities. You may not be in love with Sarah but she's also not surprising you much anymore. Novelty is a hell of a drug. And okay. Sarah accepted that she cares more about you than you care about her, and you, for some dumb goddamn reason, decided to keep her around as a fuckbuddy until AUGUST or some shit. This is the only thing I'm going to give you a ration of shit for. You're in a shitty place. It sucks. I'm sorry. I'ma give you some pathways I promise but for a minute, sit there and feel bad for this. Because it's a shitty thing to do to another human being. "I don't feel that we have a future together but... let's keep rubbing our genitals together for another four months because we have nothing better to do." It's one thing if you're both at "eh" in the relationship but if you're already acknowledging that she's way more into you than you are into her, keeping her on the leash is fuckin' cruel, dude. And it's going to cause things to cascade one of three ways: (1) She's going to muster up her self-esteem and drop you like a hot rock because who the fuck are you to string her along like that after you've both acknowledged that she's got feelings you can't reciprocate. (2) She's going to take what she can get for as long as she can get it and try to win you over to her way of thinking HONESTLY. You've given her a deadline, you've given her an ultimatum, you've given her a way forward: how to win a guy in 120 days. And, as a bonus, she gets to bump uglies. (3) She's going to take what she can get for as long as she can get it and try to win you over to her way of thinking BY ANY MEANS NECESSARY. You've given her a deadline, you've given her an ultimatum, you've given her a way forward: how to land your man in one easy step. And, as a bonus, you already had a pregnancy scare 5 weeks ago. If I understand correctly, you have not been present at any doctor's appointments. You have her word that she's pregnant. If you believe her, that's plenty evidence enough. If you don't believe her, she wouldn't be the first person to fake a pregnancy in order to push a guy into marriage. It's happened to three of my friends, in fact. But don't focus on that. In the end it doesn't matter. Those three pathways are independent of pregnancy, real or feigned; the pregnancy is a complication but it does not affect the fundamental core of your relationship with Sarah. Your relationship with your father is coloring your current situation way too much. Makes sense. Entirely natural. By all means analyze it, reflect on it, react to it, but then set it aside because the relationship that matters now is between you, your potential child, and the mother of that potential child. That's where a lot of the helplessness is coming from: you had no power over your father yet he still holds power over you. You have no power over this child yet this child holds power over you. Hold it up to the light, nod at it, then put it back in the drawer. Your current reaction to Sarah has a lot to do with the fact that you thought you killed all responsibility to the relationship yet still managed to reap the benefits. Yet here she is, drowning you in responsibility and threatening to cut you off entirely from any benefits. She's making it clear that you are unnecessary to her future plans, much like you made it clear that she was unnecessary to yours. What was the word? "Paralyzed." All right. You're frozen. You can't move, you can't breathe, and you're freaking out. Hold it up to the light, nod at it, then put it back in the drawer. NOW You're all about abortion which leads me to believe that divorce doesn't offend your religious sensibilities. You're freaking out about your family's reaction to a kid out of wedlock. And you're fixated on this child's future alienation because you're going to have no input into their life. Yet the obvious solution - marry the girl - has been ruled out, out of hand, with no discussion whatsoever. Why is that? Marry the girl. Now you've got a say in the kid's upbringing. Commit to not being a stranger. Get to know her family and friends. Commit to three more years in Germany, three more years of trying to see what kind of life you can build with Sarah. It's the first two years of a child's life that govern so much of their future and having two parents that love them under one roof where they feel safe and loved makes all the difference in the world. If you're not into it within three years, part amicably. Support your child. Be a part of their life. Be anchored in her family. Be a relative that doesn't vanish. Be a father. You can be travel dad no problem. After you've front-loaded the commitment it'll be nearly impossible to shrug you off, particularly if you comport yourself like a gentleman. And fuckin' hell, you may discover that having something in common with Sarah, who is about to give over her body and time for the next two years to the life and well-being of your firstborn, makes her someone you can love more. You might be surprised what happens when you extend the girl some trust and empathy. You might find she warms up into more of a person you want her to be. And, you might discover that she miscarries and you didn't have to blow up your life. Maybe you go through with the wedding, maybe you drop her like a hot rock and learn to never again string along a girl who likes you more than you like her. Either way, your best move is to commit to a wedding and let it play out for better or worse. All the bullshit above aside, saying I'm going to do this means you're DOING something which breaks you free from paralysis. You're making a move, you're making a decision, you're acting towards your own future, and you're forcing the probability cascade to break down in your favor. - You propose to the girl. She turns you down. You say you want to help. She turns you down. You try to be in the kid's life. She turns you down. You've done all you can, your father can't resent you completely, and the door is open to be a part later. - You propose to the girl. She says yes. You get married, have a kid, stick it out as long as you can, and end up being Foreign Dad. By then you're more settled financially, you have a better idea what your future holds and you've influenced your child's future in an immeasurably positive way. - You propose to the girl. She says yes. The pregnancy disappears. You walk away unscathed. - You propose to the girl. She says yes. The pregnancy disappears. You find your feelings towards Sarah have changed. To be continued, for better or worse. - You propose to the girl. She says yes. You have a family and live happily ever after. Either way, when you've decided you no longer care for someone as much as they care for you, stop fucking them for both your sakes.What is killing me this time - compared to all the other challenges I faced in life - is that this one; first, is not in my hand and I am simply sitting there and suffering, and second, it affects more than just myself.
I really like what humanodon said below. My first reaction was similar as in, don't make decisions based on fears of unknown outcomes. You are predicting all kinds of bad outcomes for years into the future, but life happens one step at a time. You didn't ask for advice, but if you did, I have some thoughts.Life is long and weird, and strange. There are plenty of questions that we can't know the answer to until much later. As you're only human, be as human as you can. Maybe there will be opportunities for better outcomes as the situation emerges, but that's only possible if you're able to engage in the situation together.
I was going to pm you, but there is something to be said for community discussion. The counselling seems to have been helpful. It looks like you came to the point that I was going to make anyway. Yes, and say it aloud to her and mean it. That is what I would need to hear from a sexual partner in this situation. I would want to feel respected and trusted. Then I can freely make my own decision. Re getting over it and moving on: goobster said On one hand, maybe we never really get over anything. We just learn to carry it more gently. Painful, difficult experiences (like your counselling session, an abortion, etc) are the journey. They teach us what kind of a person we are or can be, and they change us irrevocably. On another hand, time moves on and women move on with it into a new reality which becomes their life - and it will be your life too, whatever it is. Make the best of it. I'm saying all this after experiencing an unexpected pregnancy & abortion at 23 a few weeks into my first teaching job in northern BC; a subsequent pregnancy and live birth of a healthy daughter; and later, a second trimester abortion upon learning I was carrying baby with an undeveloped heart due to a chromosomal abnormality. I was told she would die in my arms immediately after birth, so took the abortion option. We get over it all and move on and if we don't get over it, we at least carry it more and more gently. As for my daughter, her father disappeared completely from her life when she was 7 and reappeared 18 years later. They are very close now and he and his partner give her a lot of love and support.I got to the point where I can only say that I have to trust Sarah with whatever choice she is going to take.
The woman does not.
Meh.