For those of you thinking, "well, I'm almost never alone." -This doesn't preclude you from this discussion. Some of the loneliest times of my life have been times when I've been surrounded by people. -Just not the right people.
All of us need people that we can connect with, people that we feel safe with, people that we consider true friends. What happens when those people are in short supply?
How do you fight loneliness Hubski?
Also, this post begs this song:
So when it comes to loneliness, busy-ness, and other people's company: I have lately begun to observe that many people I know seem to try and fill their boredom with people. They will have nothing to do and be bored and instead of finding an activity or etc, they will find people to hang out with. Usually these people are friends whose company you generally enjoy in the first place, which helps. But I'm not actually a fan of this approach. I have seen it turn into a group of friends that hangs out all the time but is still bored nearly all the time, and then they become bored with each other. I also don't like it because I think it puts the onus of entertainment on another person, i.e., "I am bored, come entertain me." It also helps foster this idea that if someone IS alone, they must be down for company/hang-outs, because what can you possibly be doing by yourself that's so entertaining? I don't like that either. I have observed both these things lately because I have started spending a lot of time on my own, actively doing things. When other people foist their company and boredom on me because I foolishly said "oh not much" when they asked me what I was doing, I can become resentful because I had real things that I was doing on my own, but other people simply see "not hanging out with anyone" and assume that means "doing nothing." In reality, for me, it can mean I'm painting, reading, cruising the internet, about to go on a run, have to do some chores, etc, any number of things that either I prefer to do alone (or make me a poor entertainment partner), or that I know I won't get done if someone else shows up and wants to be entertained. So I have become better about being clear that I am doing something, even if I am at my house alone, and establishing boundaries in that regard. (Because it's not fair to resent people for impinging upon my time and space if I haven't made it clear that it's my dedicated "me time" and "me space.") I have also observed that while I may be alone a lot, so long as I am actively doing, I am much less likely to actually be lonely, or to feel as if I am lonely. If I had to make a list of things to stave off loneliness, some of them would be: - going for a run or walk - exercising in another way, like push-ups - painting - indulging myself in my favorite night in (usually chinese take-out, a few beers, and marathoning Netflix, sometimes throwing weed into the mix) - playing with my cats - chores Going to bars is hit or miss. Usually that was a good remedy for loneliness as I had a lot of friends at a certain bar and I could count on someone who I actually liked to always be there to talk to. However, once you date someone who works at your favorite bar, a someone who is dramatic and has trouble moving on, you sometimes realize you have to avoid the bar in order to do the best by both of you. So now sometimes I head out and walk down Main St to go to my bar and walk right past it because I realize I don't want to see my ex. That usually makes me feel more lonely, not less. I think loneliness is probably not dissimilar from a cigarette craving, where if you focus on it, it'll be all you can think about. But if you simply bide your time through it and find other things to get interested in, to make you stop thinking about it, it goes away pretty quickly, or at least lessens. If you are feeling lonely, do NOT get drunk alone. If you are feeling both lonely and sad, seek out funny things that will make you feel better. My remedies include: - watching 1970s SNL - 30 Rock, Parks & Rec, etc - other light comedic fare - writing short bad poetry etc. Sadness I find can get more pervasive than loneliness so it is good to combat directly with humor, imho. On a side note, a poem of mine which was published earlier this year by Bop Dead City was nominated for a Pushcart last week. I was going to wait til Wednesday to tell Hubski about it, but I had told lil about it and then sent her a copy so she could take a look. It happens to be remarkably relevant to this conversation. I'll copy and paste it here; I've also recorded a version that I will put on Soundcloud within the near future. But not right now. ________ MY LONELINESS KEEPS ME COMPANY It is a drunk horse, so I nurse it, to keep it in good health. It takes dry leaves and sugar-water, it is delicate, it wants no more. Sometimes it tastes like the crunch as fall dries in my mouth. Many people think they like me til they meet me, so I keep my drunk horse close. Ever-ready. It needs constant conversation or else feels I've forgot it, slumps its shoulders, sulks. My loneliness lives among wobbly moons and bent palm trees. It competes with giraffes. Sometimes I catch it staggering off on toothpick legs, indignant, feeling scorned. It doesn’t love me, demands that I love it. Anyone could drive away my loneliness - but then I'd only miss it. ( lil )
I believe there's a difference between being lonely vs being alone. Your comments helps people transition from coping being lonely to coping oneself just being alone and being more comfortable to one's skin. That's what I do at home, pursuing hobbies, read and watch television. Best way to combat loneliness to be introspective and see what you want to do for yourself. That way you can develop a stronger center independent core and then cultivate people around you for support.
Pursuing hobbies and interests and watching Netflix are great ways of coping with loneliness. Those are pretty much what I do to, there is one more thing that I think combines pursuing something you care about and being around people: volunteerism. Great way to kill some time, gain some new skills (hopefully), and make connections, all while staving off loneliness. Hard to be bored or fall into that trap when you're around people who share similar interests and are willing to act on them.
#loneliness is a tag and it's awesome. Use it people. I went back and tagged like 50 old posts a while back.
I found reading books I enjoy helps a lot. Ever since I started reading Vladimir Pozner's autobiography - Parting with Illusions - I haven't felt down. I enjoy reading about his life and his deep insight into self and how he felt during particularly difficult or simply different times. This makes me relate to him more than I ever thought I could, given how distant he seems to be on TV. I've got Arnold Schwarzenegger's Total Recall on the way, as well, which I anticipate reading with as much passion. I feel like doing meaningful stuff helps, as well. Immersing myself into working on the stories I envision and the worlds surrounding them makes my time worthwhile, and I enjoy the process. Some part of me not giving in to loneliness - "fighting" it is like fighting air - has to do with the fact that I recognize how different from everybody around me I am and accepting it. Throughout my life I've been seeking company of people I didn't have good time with, just to spend some time with somebody. I recognize that this is not what I want to give my time to, and instead, I'd rather focus on two parts of my life I can actually use a difference in - studying and writing. I'm already screwed out of good social skills, so they won't be damaged much. I don't intend to be an outcast of any sort, but hey, I don't have any friends anyway, so fuck it - might as well do something good. Time will tell if I'm right in my assumptions.
This is why I love hubski. I have very strongly disagreed with you in the past, to the point of emotional over-reaction but this thread shows me how we're probably more similar than we are different. Books are a fantastic response to loneliness. I have always felt a peace in reading a physical, turn the pages book that is almost impossible to replicate.
You could probably relate to any one Hubski user, given enough time. We are all here through a number of traits; those who don't possess such traits don't seem to stay here for long. I imagine that it's through those traits that we might find a finer common ground than through our differences a bigger chasm - likely those traits are deeper than our disagreements. On that note, when I received that reply in my hubskiwheel responses page, I couldn't reply back because I was "muted", which, clearly, isn't the case - nor has it been the last few times (some of which I've dismissed as true without checking). mk, is that a bug?
Might be an age thing - the longer you spend on the planet, the more ways you learn to find the animal, mineral, or vegetable companionship that lessens loneliness. And the older you get, sometimes the busier you get. The more things you want to do, and the more people you find who are willing to rub up against you when necessary. Canadian poet, Susan Musgrave has written two of the most where's-the-nearest-bridge poems I've ever read. I posted one on my blog here. The other is in her book Origami Doves. This link will take you to the book. Scroll down to the table of contents and look for the title poem. Click it and read it aloud or silently. You will get to these lines: that between birth and death there is only loneliness, so big that it makes love seem spectacularly small, with no grave, big enough to contain our grief. takes the good out of all of our goodbyes, more permanent than the sadness you know when your lover drives away having lost interest in everything about you, especially your suffering. Love's a blip, a glitch, but loneliness signs on for the duration... that when it moves into your house you feel as if someone has moved away become when he takes up with me and walks me through the world I have always called my home. Only in darkness I see now it has never been my home.Now I know:
Loneliness
Loneliness is so big
I see how true loneliness has
No, it begs this song: I don't fight it. I recognize it as a transitory condition whose emotional payload is best recognized, explored and experienced (but not indulged) and I let it bleed out. Loneliness is an internal condition and it is only through internal means that it can be put to rest.
I honestly have no clue. I've read this over and over, but I really have no good answer to it. I've felt severe feelings of loneliness, but I always fed into them until I exhausted myself. I wouldn't recommend that as a solution in anyway. Usually when I start to feel that way I will play that dance track playlist I have, and dance until it hurts. Somehow music provides this weird sense of clarity, and connectivity. It's gotta be the right music though.
Somewhat like you - and it's something I failed to mention in the original reply in the thread - I listen to the music when I feel down (I'm having a hard time distinguishing my feelings, so it's either I'm down, neutral or up most of the time). I lie down, put on the minor-mood music (the deeper I feel, the deeper the mood - I've classified them with three steps of mood in the collection) and think about what happened, or what I might do. Thankfully, I've developed enough of a self-repair mechanics in my mind to prevent myself from drowning into the self-beating thoughts I got so used to having; as I lay down, I help myself work through whatever I feel, and learning about my feelings - for which I have no innate sense and idea - helps me feel fine, bring myself back to stable.
Great question. I am a fairly gregarious person who has never really had a problem with loneliness. I actually enjoy being with myself. Not by myself but with myself. I did the typical backing trip to Europe after university where I was looking for my future and brought The Art of War and some other soul searching books and wanted to spend months with myself and ended up having 2 days without people with effort. That is pretty typical of the way things work out for me. That was many years ago. Recently I moved to a place where I just will not have friends nearby for human contact and have no desire to interact with the locals. So anything but Facebook is good. :) I am lucky enough to have dozens of decades old friends that I get together with on a regular basis. 20 days until our next big meet-up. Old friends are the best friends for me.
I've been living this situation for 5+ years. Now that I got out of college and out of a job, it got more complicated. Throw in my parents' divorce this year and their regular bickering and that's how it is right now. In the beginning, I went out on my own a lot. Then, it got old and now I go to the library read the local newspapers and the new magazines, when they arrive. That's my only fixed outing involving people. I like walking around town on sunsets as well. Music. A huge drive towards making it in music, video games and the internet. It's my window to the world; without it, I'd be 10 years behind. My city tries to pose as a big and modern place while the mindset is that of a traditionalist small town. People go around and ask which family do you come from, people are closed off and there's not much incentive to socialize around here, apart from going to the mall. That's what everyone does here in the weekends. I tried finding some groups to get into, even joined the only free EFL conversation group here in August (all the others exist inside the schools, you need to pay to get in), but that didn't work for me. Apart from that, I don't use Facebook or Whatsapp, so basically I don't exist in my town. There were also the pen-pals in the beginning of this year: used to have conversations with girls from New Zealand, England, Australia and the US. We just drifted away from each other, and I don't feel like having pen-pals right now. I tried IRC groups too, that didn't go very well. When I got interested in starting a company again in July, I tried getting involved in those start-up events, and the nearest one from here was 200km (~120 miles) away. In the end, I found out about the 2 coworking spaces in here, went to one, introduced myself and told that I wanted to help someone build a company, met a guy who wanted to start another EFL school, he wanted me to work for him and I backed off. That school didn't get out of the blueprint yet. I like music and go to the few music-related events here. What happens is that there are always the same 60 people in there: we had a week-long musical event here last month, and you could see the very same 60 people in the audience every single day! BTW, we don't see eye-to-eye much, so there's also that. When I'm out and about, I try to talk to people, but it just feels like we are far away from each other... they feel like an empty husk to me. That's my story regarding loneliness and feeling detached from my environment. Moving out of here is the long-term solution, but I lack funds. What I do to cope with that is just put on my headphones when my parents start fighting and forget about the world. Music is pretty much my drug: one of the ways of escaping reality.All of us need people that we can connect with, people that we feel safe with, people that we consider true friends. What happens when those people are in short supply?
How do you fight loneliness Hubski?
Volunteer work. Working together for a cause is a built-in connection. There are a wide variety of causes to volunteer your time toward, so you're bound to find something that speaks to you. You will always be welcomed and, in my experience, instantly accepted. And the bonus is the good feeling that you carry with you after you've done some good work.
It's a people store out there. But maybe you like it better alone. Sometimes I do, sometimes not but I've learned to appreciate aloneness.
I don't think that one should fight loneliness, rather embrace it. We're social creatures sure, but I think it's a valuable skill to not depend on someone's company to feel ok. You have your baseline level of happiness, which is let's say zero. Socializing should be just a pleasant addition to your life, like tasty food or nice clothes. It raises your happiness into positive territory, but you don't need it to reach your normal "zero" happiness level, just as you can get by with eating basic food and wearing plain clothes.
I meet up with my close friends to play DnD once a week, every week. I see them other times too, but those aren't really constant and we're usually busy with other things. The regularity helps. Another tactic is talking to strangers. Going to be on a plane ride for awhile? If your neighbor looks up for it, start talking. You might share something in common. My last tactic is being involved in lots of groups. I go to.... 4 meetings a week, and I've met some good friends through them. I also have enough hobbies for several lifetimes, so there's that.
Well the other night I fell asleep after a night of drinking listening to Closing Time by Tom Waits. Normally though, it feels more like my natural state. I grew up an only child and most of my friends lived far away so I would only see them after school once or twice a week. Entertaining myself was a necessity.
I crave solitude regularly. I struggle to truly focus with others around, and in general, I'm much more productive, and happy in my efforts when I'm by myself. I get on edge whenever my entire family is home. I still get lonely of course. My latest school dance, I worked on setting up a mountain biking race rather than go to the dance. Looking the next day at social media, I felt lonely. So, I went for a ride. Whenever I feel lonely, I try to turn that feeling into solitude. Biking helps me a ton here. I can think through things just by myself; where ever I go, it's through my own strenght and ability; I can just escape for a while. Mountain biking especially helps, because I just don't have time to feel lonely as I'm hitting those trails. Giving attention to loneliness would end in broken parts. Other ways are less healthy/legal. That's just how things go. Writing works well too, no matter what I'm feeling. I channel the loneliness into a character, or start a new piece to encourage forward movement. There's another big part of my loneliness therapy: forward movement. In some lonely periods last week, I signed up on cryptogrind to start freelancing some (for Bitcoins). I'll take the loneliness and figure out what I can do with the extra time that makes me feel good about where my life is heading, and the urge of future success lessens the loneliness.
I'm pretty introverted. I don't feel lonely when I'm home alone with my cats. I don't feel lonely in the sense of lacking conversation with someone. Over the last year or two, I've done a lot more hiking and spending time outdoors. I've talked about it on Hubski a fair bit, and I really like it. But as I daydream about doing more, taking on more challenging climbs and longer backpacking trips, it feels really lonely. I wish I had someone to do it with. I do have my core group of friends, but they're mostly music friends, not "spend a few days pushing yourself to the ragged edge" friends. Some of what I want to do starts to border on unsafe alone. Avalanche risk or an uncontrolled decent is a real problem. It's lonely. I signed back up on a dating site (lil) and messaged a couple people who had profile pictures of them in the woods rather than holding a beer at a football game, but I've made no progress.
The introvert kicks in then. Hiking is only so-so popular locally, so I have to travel a bit. But point taken; I'll try to make an effort to find meetups both locally and where I travel.
From one introvert to another: don't let your fears drown your self. It's hard to meet new people, but don't let your mind lead you by the idea that it's bad just because you're afraid of it. In fact, from what I've learned so far, it's best to do what you're afraid of and persevere through fear; resilience, it appears, is a mental muscle which is ought to be flexed if one wishes to remain resilient.
I was waiting for that Wilco song. Loneliness is hard. There's three shows that I think do a great portraying it, by the way, Louie, Master of None, and Bojack Horseman. Solitude is something to seek and enjoy, but there is a difference between solitude and loneliness. There are a few things that happen when I get prohibitively lonely. Getting out the house to go do something, anything, helps a lot. Reading, video games, immersing myself in something that is particularly real is a good distraction from that crushing feeling. I find that loneliness is a good reason to get in touch with people you haven't recently been in touch with. I do think that loneliness spawns some of the deepest creativity anybody can ask for. Just ask Edward Hopper.