Before I start, there are few things you should know about me:
I'm turning 21 in three months, I've been living with my parents for as long as I live, almost everything I have is bought or sponsored by them (aside from two books which I bought using my birthday present money and some stuff people gifted me over time). I eat whatever they buy and have very little influence on their buying habits, having no income to spend. I'm going to the university soon, which means I'm leaving the house and moving to another city where I'm to rent an apartment; all of the payments have been made by my parents. Damn, that's shameful to even write about.
My mother is a narcissist. I'll just waste time describing what I experienced because it has been already by quite a few people. Read the Wikipedia article if you don't know what being a narcissist - or living with one - means.
The point is - my mother has been fucking me up ever since I was a child. I don't want it to turn into rant, so I'll say the shit that matters right now: that I've been deprived of personal responsibility and the lessons that come from it because my mother is a helicopter parent, wanting to do everything to make sure her precious doll child would do good - or, better yet, perfect. This is why I stopped talking to her, even though we live under the same roof; things got much colder between us, but she still sees herself responsible for my well-being.
Because of her treatment, I grew up with no idea what a healthy social interaction is, no social skills, no personal drive or motivation mechanisms and no self-sustainance skills. I'm only now learning to do things by myself: cooking, making life choices, refusing to others (still extremely difficult: I grew up to be a pleaser) or not taking up responsibilities to help just because I can... I'm doing pretty good for a person who, metaphorically speaking, started to speak the language of adults only a year or so ago.
Still, I feel trapped in my parents' possessive arms (my father carries my mother's ideas, even though he, too, was fucked up by her). I had the feeling since I was a teenager, but it gets stronger the more time passes by. Come on: I'm 20 now, and I still depend on my parents? It's a shit place to be, but since I've always been here, I barely have an idea about where else can I be.
What sparked this particular sentiment is the fact that my parents have decided - without consulting me - to go with me to Tomsk, where the university I applied to is, to pick an apartment for me to live in.
Fucking come on! I'm 20, and they are gonna tell me where to live? They have barely any investment in the place anyway - they're paying for it, that's it - so why the fuck would they ever be interested in that? Well, fuck me, they are, very much.
I'm not a person to rant about stuff, but this thing drives me mad - moreso as I have no idea where to go from here. I know that, right now, I'm going to tell my parents that I'm going to pick where I live on my own, without their company. Then what?
I have a plan of using the time away from (they'll call and all, but mostly I'll be out of their vile reach - I don't to learn from them anymore: there's nothing good I can learn from them) to reassemble myself as a personality: start doing things I like instead of the things I'm expected to do (my brains cease any thinking when my parents are in the room - I'm still terrified of waiting for ways they're going to fuck me up with); actually start writing, finish making a bow (I started last winter, but they threw the drying sticks away while I wasn't home for some bullshit reason, even when they knew what I needed those for), have friends who are healthy mentally (which could be tough: I've changed since I had the last such friend, but I had too little human contact in reality to change those ways, so it's possible that I'd still be sticking to the old things that've attracted me in others)... My parents just came back from two and a half days away from home, and before they did, I've never been better in the last months - imagine what complete physical separation will do for me.
But what do I do about their control and the strings they use (the money)? I can get scholarship (that's the plan right now) so they won't have to pay for the education, but finding a decently-paying job for a guy without any formal education can be difficult, and anything less than that will simply sip my time and energy. If I write a book or two by the time I got my bachelor degree in linguistics (safeboating myself by allowing me to work as a translator), I may be able to afford living my own (I'd only need 25k RUB per month, given that I'm going to rent an apartment), but I have no idea whether that'd happen because I don't know much time good studying will take.
Am I fooling myself by telling myself that I can't do much? Am I finally thinking straight? I have no idea, and I hope that you'll tell me. I very much need to know: I feel stuck in this place, the bog that it is, and I don't want to be here.