Before I start, there are few things you should know about me:
I'm turning 21 in three months, I've been living with my parents for as long as I live, almost everything I have is bought or sponsored by them (aside from two books which I bought using my birthday present money and some stuff people gifted me over time). I eat whatever they buy and have very little influence on their buying habits, having no income to spend. I'm going to the university soon, which means I'm leaving the house and moving to another city where I'm to rent an apartment; all of the payments have been made by my parents. Damn, that's shameful to even write about.
My mother is a narcissist. I'll just waste time describing what I experienced because it has been already by quite a few people. Read the Wikipedia article if you don't know what being a narcissist - or living with one - means.
The point is - my mother has been fucking me up ever since I was a child. I don't want it to turn into rant, so I'll say the shit that matters right now: that I've been deprived of personal responsibility and the lessons that come from it because my mother is a helicopter parent, wanting to do everything to make sure her precious doll child would do good - or, better yet, perfect. This is why I stopped talking to her, even though we live under the same roof; things got much colder between us, but she still sees herself responsible for my well-being.
Because of her treatment, I grew up with no idea what a healthy social interaction is, no social skills, no personal drive or motivation mechanisms and no self-sustainance skills. I'm only now learning to do things by myself: cooking, making life choices, refusing to others (still extremely difficult: I grew up to be a pleaser) or not taking up responsibilities to help just because I can... I'm doing pretty good for a person who, metaphorically speaking, started to speak the language of adults only a year or so ago.
Still, I feel trapped in my parents' possessive arms (my father carries my mother's ideas, even though he, too, was fucked up by her). I had the feeling since I was a teenager, but it gets stronger the more time passes by. Come on: I'm 20 now, and I still depend on my parents? It's a shit place to be, but since I've always been here, I barely have an idea about where else can I be.
What sparked this particular sentiment is the fact that my parents have decided - without consulting me - to go with me to Tomsk, where the university I applied to is, to pick an apartment for me to live in.
Fucking come on! I'm 20, and they are gonna tell me where to live? They have barely any investment in the place anyway - they're paying for it, that's it - so why the fuck would they ever be interested in that? Well, fuck me, they are, very much.
*sigh*
I'm not a person to rant about stuff, but this thing drives me mad - moreso as I have no idea where to go from here. I know that, right now, I'm going to tell my parents that I'm going to pick where I live on my own, without their company. Then what?
I have a plan of using the time away from (they'll call and all, but mostly I'll be out of their vile reach - I don't to learn from them anymore: there's nothing good I can learn from them) to reassemble myself as a personality: start doing things I like instead of the things I'm expected to do (my brains cease any thinking when my parents are in the room - I'm still terrified of waiting for ways they're going to fuck me up with); actually start writing, finish making a bow (I started last winter, but they threw the drying sticks away while I wasn't home for some bullshit reason, even when they knew what I needed those for), have friends who are healthy mentally (which could be tough: I've changed since I had the last such friend, but I had too little human contact in reality to change those ways, so it's possible that I'd still be sticking to the old things that've attracted me in others)... My parents just came back from two and a half days away from home, and before they did, I've never been better in the last months - imagine what complete physical separation will do for me.
But what do I do about their control and the strings they use (the money)? I can get scholarship (that's the plan right now) so they won't have to pay for the education, but finding a decently-paying job for a guy without any formal education can be difficult, and anything less than that will simply sip my time and energy. If I write a book or two by the time I got my bachelor degree in linguistics (safeboating myself by allowing me to work as a translator), I may be able to afford living my own (I'd only need 25k RUB per month, given that I'm going to rent an apartment), but I have no idea whether that'd happen because I don't know much time good studying will take.
Am I fooling myself by telling myself that I can't do much? Am I finally thinking straight? I have no idea, and I hope that you'll tell me. I very much need to know: I feel stuck in this place, the bog that it is, and I don't want to be here.
There are likely many college age students that would love for their parents to pick them out an apartment. I'm not trying to be rude, but perhaps the best thing your parents could do for you is to cut you off. You don't seem to have any appreciation for money. My guess is after a few months on your own you'd be happy for your parents to pick out and pay for an apartment for you, hell, you would likely let them pick out the curtains. I asked my parents for help with rent in college and some months they could and others I was on my own. I missed out on a lot of time for studying and socializing because I worked two jobs. Be grateful.Fucking come on! I'm 20, and they are gonna tell me where to live? They have barely any investment in the place anyway - they're paying for it, that's it
-oh "that's it," there just paying for it.
This comment is offensive as death to someone who grew up with a narcissist. "How dare you hate someone for beating you every time you made a mistake? You should just take it and be happy someone is allowing you to live at all." Id sooner be dead than grateful. And im an accomplished chemist, not a kid heading into college. Parents do not always have their children's best interest at heart, and to suggest that this is all in his head is condescending and the primary reason children get stuck taking the abuse. I also had to pay my way through college, and I now have a phd. That was piss easy compared to standing the abuse. You really have no frame of reference here.
"How dare you hate someone for beating you every time you made a mistake? You should just take it and be happy someone is allowing you to live at all."
-Not sure who you are quoting there, but it's certainly not me. to suggest that this is all in his head is condescending and the primary reason children get stuck taking the abuse.
Please show me where I said this was all in his head. I also had to pay my way through college, and I now have a phd.
Great. You really have no frame of reference here.
If you read the conversation I had with OP you will see that I say as much.
I believe Joilnt is quoting the narcissist who 'raised' them. But I've got to say their gaining a PhD through their own efforts really is great -- a person raised in such a toxic environment is going to have severe doubts and anxiety about whether they will be able to achieve this themselves, so having anecdotal evidence to support that it is even possible can be very helpful.
For what - the money? My parents have been judging me my whole life. They have little respect for me. They've never accepted me for what I am, never congratulated me on achieving things that don't matter to them. Straight A grades? Good. A single B grade? Why didn't you apply yourself? Why didn't you get an A? A new story? Why do you even spend time with that shit? Better go play with the kids outside; so what that you don't feel accepted there? For them, I'm a living doll; they play me to fulfill their dreams of the life they could have had. It's not to say that they owe me the money, or that them paying is some kind of payback for what they did. It is some kind of worth back for me. The reason I'm still where I am is that I don't have the nerve, the experience or knowledge and the energy to go out daring the crap out of my life and working anywhere I can, no matter how shitty the job. If they didn't pay, I'd see no reason to stay here: anything would be better than that crap; even if I'd fail miserably, at least it would be my fault, to which I got on my own. You probably have no idea how much it means to me to do things on my own after such treatment. Doing things on my own pays better emotional dividents than being paid for; being bought. A fucking ugly thing to do from any parent: buy children with toys and candies, instead of connecting with them, spending quality time with them, accepting them and trying to understand them the best you can. Why does it matter, right? Money will buy everything!.. I'd give away everything in my possession just to be able to spend one day with my parents that won't be filled with the critique uncalled for, the constant bickering, the mutual disrespect each of us's causing with our behavior by reacting to another's words and actions... That they pay for my education is a consolation prize. So yes, I don't appreciate money. I don't give a shit about it. Money is just a resource to support one's living in the capitalist society. And yes, maybe it would be best if they did cut me off. Maybe that's what I want, secretly, and don't have the balls to go for. The times where I had to find and make food instead of complaining about "not eating that shit" were great. Maybe that's what I want but am taking what I have instead because that's easier. They can do it, too, but they chose not to, despite threatening me with eviction and putting me into an orphanage quite a few times. Was there something else I had to be grateful for? EDIT: This came out to be too angry. It's past midnight here, I had a list of disappointing interactions with people all around the globe in the span of a few hours and I'm still cooling off from writing the post.Be grateful.
I think that you would benefit greatly from sitting down and asking your parents to have an adult conversation with you. Let them know the things you just wrote. As for the question, "what should I be grateful for and for,"?- food, shelter, a good education these are all things that many people don't have. It's easy, even for me at age 38, to forget that my parents are fallible, people. But they are. Kids don't come with a handbook. It's likely your parents are trying their best and think they're doing right by you. My guess is that any damage being done isn't intentional. It's likely their parents treated them similarly and that was their only inclination as to "how to" parent. They're people. Sit down with them and talk to them calmly, with notes in front of you of what you'd like to discuss. Act like an adult and perhaps they'll treat you like one. Communicate with them. Take the high road. You be the adult that you wish they were. Good luck.
I get what you're saying, and I think you're right: it is the best way to solve any misunderstanding and any problem - through calm, meaningful communication. That being said... No doubt. But I've fallen too many time into the trap of thinking that we bear the same values, or even nearly the same. All they care about is things and status that they give. I don't give a shit about that, nor do I want to. I'll be glad to sleep on the floor, because I like it. I'll be glad to spend all my money on a journey that won't be easy, or comfortable, in order to learn to fend off for myself, to get to know other countries in ways no tourist bus will ever show. They don't understand it, and neither do they want to. To them, it's just another silly idea of mine; I can't know what's better for me, because they do, and they won't give me the room to try even to see me fail and poke me with it later, which is what they like to do. Maybe your parents were good people - I hope they were. Even if they did make some mistakes - I hope they didn't, and I can't know whether they did - you could probably discern good intentions behind them and communicate using those common channels. You can't do this with my parents even if you try. Some people get a crappy card dealt to them. They're stubborn bigots who don't care about anything or anyone but themselves much. To them, I'm what they call "I had no choice". Yeah, maybe they gave me things and fed me with money, but I don't give a shit about it; never did, and tried to communicate it - to no avail. I'd be happier living poorly but with people who care about me and who give me a reason to care about them (just being well-meaning parents would be enough). If you could grant me that, I'd give everything I own to you (even though it's going to take a lot of mail). I understand that you mean well, and I wish our first conversation wasn't kicking each other in the shins (is that the spelling?). I appreciate that. But you don't know my situation. I can't solve it or make it better: I have to get out of it. I've got plenty of advices from people here on how to do that, and I'm going to do just that.Sit down with them and talk to them calmly
It's likely your parents are trying their best and think they're doing right by you.
I wrote a more thoughtful reply but had poor cell service and lost it when posting. In my original comment I mentioned that communication would likely help here. Asking your parents to sit down and have a conversation about your future. Saying to them, "I really appreciate your help in paying for my apartment. That said, I have some things that are important to me regarding where I live. Can we discuss this? I would like to be part of the process." Still, I stand by me original comment. He would benefit from some hard knocks.
Financial independence is definitely going to be big here. As long as they are paying for you, you are going to feel beholden to them. So, you need financial independence as quickly as possible. I'd say take their advice on where to live, as they will know way more about finding a home at this point. Make sure though that they see it just as advice, it may help to just refuse to rent their favorite place, even if you like it, so that they can see that you want to be making this decision. Financially, I'm not sure how it is in Russia, but in the US, writing books isn't generally something you can count on for a steady income unless you are an experienced and rather well known writer. Once you finish the books, you'll be lucky to find an agent within the first 50 tries. They then have to try to find a publisher, which could take another long while. The advances for new authors will be small, if any, and most of the hard work (like promotion, getting reviews, sometimes even stocking it in bookstores) will fall on you. The royalties will be miniscule once they start to come in. kleinbl00 and _refugee_ are two people here who are active in the American writing community that can hopefully correct any mistakes I made here. If you are looking at doing translating though, freelancing is always an option. There are plenty of sites online want to facilitate working freelance, like Fivver, and you can always set up your own website with a portfolio and contact info. I can speak for the financial implications really, but because it is freelance work, you can accept the gigs you can manage. There is also a smaller need for credentials, being a linguistics student will be plenty for most the people who need a freelancer. Plus, it seems like you have a very solid grasp of English; I didn't realize you were Russian untill you started #russiabynatives. Beyond that, you'll likely be looking at teenager jobs, but they may be necessary to make your way. I think you'd find your independence worth it.
It's true in Russia as well, which is why I a) aim for the English-speaking market first, b) plan to self-publish online, at least at first. I realize that this will require quite a bit of publicity to kick in, and I have no idea even where to start with that. I mean, by the time I'll finish the books I'll probably have hundreds of followers under #russiabynatives (who isn't interested?), so that'd be a good start. Well... I guess I have some time to figure it out. As for the jobs - the university I apply to has a department to get their students employed, which I intend to use. Shit, this is probably going to be tough, but hey, you're right: I like my independance and self-sustainance. Anyway, thanks for stopping by. I appreciate it.I'm not sure how it is in Russia, but in the US, writing books isn't generally something you can count on for a steady income unless you are an experienced and rather well known writer
Hey man, I'm also twenty and stepping out from the shadows of my parents and the paved road. You are no fool. If you think it's time to leave the nest and fly, you need to have checkpoints to make that feeling into reality. I think that you might want to educate yourself on personal finances first, don't want to kick yourself in the shins after you break away from your parents and starve. A good start would be The Motley Fool's Investment for Teens book, and keeping track of your expenditures in a google doc sheet or some other medium- this allows you to realize how much is required to keep alive and fed. Maybe you find you can start cutting some luxuries off. It's ironic because my parents still pay for everything, but I'm starting to have an understanding of what is required to live indendently. Credit cards, bank accounts, electricity, internet, transportation, water, and food are something I have to be able to pay for on my own. List the money going out, you've got to do it. No umms and IFs, you've got to see the numbers. Also, start thinking more selfishly- for your own best interests, and not someone else's. Maybe I can suggest another few books: How to Win Friends and Influence People, by Dale Carnegie (for social interactions), 48 Laws of Power (sort of self help, but very interesting and have anecdotes), A Random Walk Down Wall Street (Investment). Social interactions will be crucial. It has been reiterated and sounds absolutely banal, but it's about the people you meet that can connect you with people that can help you. Quality over quantity. In China, having connections is a given. Have you written a resume? A cover letter? Need those. I was forced to write mine in first year university, and am currently using it. Maybe you could ask your local librarian (I remember they have a lot of resources, not sure about where you are though) for an introduction to how to write one. Then spam it to part time jobs you can apply to. If what they control you with is money, then that is what you can use to free yourself. Know the fight. The year will be difficult. Part time jobs and university is tough. Quality studying can be done- the key is in discipline. DISCIPLINE. I love your writing. Best of luck, sorry I'm being brief, typing on my phone is hard. I will try my best to answer any other questions (do take in mind I'm no expert).
The idea of part-time jobs scares me. I'm not sure that I'll benefit from them all that much. All I can do with such a job here is 10k, at best, which is half of what I need to survive while renting - all for the rest of the day that I could better spend on studying and writing something that could actually help me make money later as a writer. Part-time jobs, for me, is the kind of pit people scare themselves with to do better, like Boogeyman used to scare children into doing their chores. Feeling lazy? "Part-time jo-o-o-ob!" - "Ah, fuck! I'm working, I'm working!". Feeling like spending this bit of money on this little unnecessary thing that will only yield temporary pleasure? "Pa-a-art-ti-i-i-ime jo-o-o-ob!" - "Fuck off! I'm checking my finances, I'm checking 'em!"... Finances, though. Check; gonna start researching it later. Thanks for letting me know. As for social interactions - I feel like I'm grasping them, given that I have a few ideas about what's the best practice in conversing with people. I hope they'd be a good theoretical basis for practice, as right now, I can't afford buying the book and am pretty sure I won't be able to rent it from a library. Either way, I'll learn when I fail if they aren't. And thanks for reminding me that I have something to work for.
Hey man, at least with them paying for your apartment you don't have to live with them. I had a restraining order against my mother for a decade. My dad never tried to get me insurance, or medical help. My mom now feels guilty, and fights to get me the help I need, even when I don't think I deserve it. Have you read the Drama of the Gifted Child by Alice Walker? If you want to feel independence take some time off to go WWOOFing. It takes time to heal the weirdness of being an adult, that is still treated like a child. Only 40 years ago in the US, people used to get married, and get jobs at 16.
I'm not familiar with the restraining orders system. Does it mean that she wasn't allowed to see you? If so... I'm hesitant to ask, but - why? What kind of help? Why does she feel guilty now? No, I haven't. I just checked it on Amazon and added it to my wish list, so maybe I'll get it someday. It sounds like something I must read. That's a great idea. I thought about it before, and now that you've mentioned it... It sounds like something I'd love to do. The notion of hard work for sustainance sounds appealing - it is as if you're working towards the food, directly, instead of the detached way many of us consume it today. Thank you for your advice. I appreaciate it.I had a restraining order against my mother for a decade.
My mom now feels guilty, and fights to get me the help I need
Have you read the Drama of the Gifted Child by Alice Walker?
If you want to feel independence take some time off to go WWOOFing.
She was pretty controlling, punished me for her getting in trouble in high school. I was mouthy, and I also thought I was smarter than her. I was able to run away, and show someone after she beat me up. If she bothered me, a restraining order means she automatically gets arrested. I was showing early signs of my illness, so it wasn't just me being an unreasonable jerk. I was medically less than reasonable at the time. Right now she helped get me a scholarship for people who are too disabled to do unskilled labor, but are too smart to get disability. WWOOFing is really fun, I wouldn't recommend college to anyone who thought of it as less than a privilege.
It would probably be cheaper for your parents to pay for the cost of getting from farm to farm, than to pay for rent. You would still have to maintain a relationship with them, and WWOOFing would not help advance your other life goals. You might just take the pretty decent hand you have been dealt, and go to school. You will really love living alone. If you don't want them to pay your rent, get a job, and tell them "no thanks". Don't burn your bridges, and try to make yourself homeless out of idealism. If you feel bad, go volunteer. Take the summers off and go WWOOFing, because you really can't beat anything about the lifestyle. The food is always amazing, the other people are at the very least interesting. The work is literally the funnest activity, I can imagine, but I am weird.
I think you're right. Doing crazy shit won't do me any good right now, I would imagine. My parents won't understand WWOOFing and anything of that sort - it's not just foreign but alien to them - but they understand higher education; in their own way, but still. That, too, you got right, and I better keep it in mind while I'm studying. It's a great opportunity to learn deep and interesting stuff. Gotta remember that.You might just take the pretty decent hand you have been dealt, and go to school. You will really love living alone. If you don't want them to pay your rent, get a job, and tell them "no thanks". Don't burn your bridges, and try to make yourself homeless out of idealism.
I wouldn't recommend college to anyone who thought of it as less than a privilege.
Others may advise trying to mend fences, but some relationships can't be repaired, and it's not healthy to stay in a relationship that's harming you. If you can't stop them picking out your place, you may still have the option of renting that place out to someone else and living somewhere cheaper and pocketing the difference. You don't have to tell your parents everything you do. You can also be civil without being friendly, but that's something you have to learn, and time away from them is probably necessary at this point.
Oh man, I feel you. Given your situation, I can see only one way to do this: go full-ninja and disappear. Stealthily find a job somewhere - away from where they expect you to be. If you have a cellphone, change phone numbers (and providers if you can). Find another apartment without them knowing. If you need to, make yourself a new email and Facebook account (I recommend against the Facebook though because they could find you too easily) And don't contact them again until you have your life sorted out. Yes, it's going to be hard. Yes, you will miss out on live some more. But after that, your life will be yours - you will have the money, resources and will to say no to them and to work around the shifty business they will do to continue their behavior behind your back. So unless you can reason with that narcissist mother, and somehow make her accept that you're an adult now and need to live for your own, it's easier to fly under the radar. And who knows - maybe the worry of a few months, if not a few years, without her son/daughter will make her see how toxic she was. At any rate - best of luck with your situation, and I hope for a decent resolution, sibling-in-arms. You've done me good, in the past - I, too, am there if you want to talk.
Thanks. I appreciate it. Well, your solution is... radical, to say the least. A year or two ago, I would have agreed with you, most probably, but still wouldn't go for it. Thankfully, some people in this very comment section have already shown me that there are better ways to do it. I'll use the benefits I have towards me, and in the meantime I'll do my best to rebuild myself into a person I want to be. I've survived 20 full-contact years with my parents - I can do four more, especially since those are separated. Still, thanks for sharing the solution. I may be able to scrape the ideas for something that fits better into the general plan.You've done me good, in the past - I, too, am there if you want to talk.
You're welcome. And my solution is very radical, yes - but remember, anything a narcissist gives you may, eventually, be used as a weapon against you to try and guilt-trip you into not leaving. Take that as you will.
I know that. I also know that I don't owe anything to anyone unless I decide so, as per proof from zero (which I have to expand upon on Hubski sometime in the future). I know how this can be used, and hopefully, I will recognize the attempt at the moment. Let's see how it goes.but remember, anything a narcissist gives you may, eventually, be used as a weapon against you to try and guilt-trip you into not leaving. Take that as you will.
I'm going to guess you are their oldest or only child, or if you have an older sibling he/she has goals much more similar to your parents. They didn't get to practice raising thefanficguy from baby to adult s few times first, so they are just guessing based on their own lives. So taking with your parents will be easier if you remember what they are thinking. It seems that they are trying to guide you in ways they think will make you happy, and they seem to be trying to help you succeed, but their idea of success is different than yours. It's futile to tell someone they are completely wrong, but you can explain how your own ideas are different if you are patient. Self sufficiency and self reliance are very rewarding and a huge milestone in life. But don't be afraid to approach this gradually - it will give you time to learn about yourself and it will give your parents time to let go slowly. One step toward independence would be a small part-time job. I don't know if your university does this but many American universities hire students to work in the libraries or student centers for 8 or so hours a week. A job like that wouldn't pay for the apartment, but you would get a little money and experience working and time management. Some restaurants and businesses near universities may also hire students for few enough hours per week that it won't impact you grades as long as you manage your time well. I think in your situation it is better to take very small steps toward your goal than to stand still looking where to leap, or to leap without looking where to land.
That's a good idea. I'd have to check for it. Gotta check the local businesses, too: there's a translation agency right opposite the university - would be good if they hire students. You're right: I better take it slow, or, at least, not all at once. Gotta keep that in mind. As for parents - I think you're right. I used to demonize them, make them into something of pure evil who just won't listen, who are stubborn in their point of view when they could have just listened to me (since I know I'm right - of course I am!)... A few people already have put my mind to the right place regarding this. Indeed, my parents are human beings as I am, even if some of those people lack empathy and have no idea that emotional abuse is bad, - and that's how I should treat them. This is going to take time to settle in my head, but it's a good idea. Thanks for reminding me of it once again, so I can put the thoughts properly.I don't know if your university does this but many American universities hire students to work in the libraries or student centers for 8 or so hours a week.
I can totally relate to this. The only two things my mother ever taught me were work ethic and a love for numbers. She still likes to act like I'm 12 even though I'm 27 and haven't lived with her since I was 14. She seems to think she can control how many drinks i have at dinner and everything. Honestly I just don't ask her for help with anything except advice once in a while. I like to pretend that of I told her that we barely talk for this reason it would probably break her heart but like others said "do what is right for you, not others". You can be a good person and still do what you have to do to be okay. My mother and even her dad are firm believers on the almighty dollar. To them, nothing is more important than having money and making everything you have look as nice as possible. They would rather I fix the aesthetics of the car than the breaks which is incredibly stupid. I relate to your not caring about money or how nice of things people perceive you to own as well. It's all about being happy no matter what your budget is. No matter where in life you find yourself you need to do what is going to make you happy. That is not to say that some foresight isn't necessary. Your parents do care about you, even if it seems like it's their selfishness that drives their actions towards you. They are doing what they know to do. It may not be what you needed or currently need but it is out of love or they wouldn't waste their time. They just only see one right answer to life. Their right answer. Hard to teach someone who needs a different answer than anything you know are can even conceive of. Never let anyone tell you that your writing is bad. Even if it is (not saying it is, I haven't read your writing yet. Will start) it doesn't matter because it's your passion and that is what leads you down the path you need to follow.
May I ask how that happened? I never thought about it this way. They must have some interest in me, I guess, even if it's misguided. What do you think I do, then? What if I have to tell them something they don't want to hear - one of those nonsensical answers of mine again?and haven't lived with her since I was 14
It may not be what you needed or currently need but it is out of love or they wouldn't waste their time.
Hard to teach someone who needs a different answer than anything you know are can even conceive of.
Well for starters I was 14 I wanted some say in what i was doing. We argued a lot. Never saw eye to eye. I was always under her thumb and needed to break free. I wanted to experience my own things and learn from my own mistakes instead of her preventing them from happening for me. So I moved in with my dad who is the polar opposite. His rules were 1 don't get brought home by the cops 2 I don't want to talk to teachers 3 don't wake me up. (That one was assumed not spoken). I did my own thing, made a lot of mistakes. Hurt a few people (not physically). But I learned a lot and I wouldn't go back.
Sometimes a different perspective is all we need.
Well that's the hard part. Only you can decide. No matter what you should always be honest about how you feel, respectfully if possible. Brutally honest if necessary. They need to know that you are your own person, that means you need to act like your own person and become your own person. And that means you can't rely on them for pretty much anything. It won't happen over night. It will be hard and your relationship may never be the same again (hopefully for the better). If you need advice you can still ask them they're opinion. Take it in stride knowing they are going to try to push their ways on you. Take what information you see as helpful and disregard the rest. Thank them for their advise and say you will give it some consideration. This let's them know their opinion matters to you without just doing what they say. Me personally, I tend to make my own way. I'm lucky that my mother is now a travel nurse so she is only in the state for a month a couple times a year. We get along much better for short periods of time. She is still my family and I still love her even if I don't always like her. I also make sure to always visit when she is in town and she does her best to keep her opinions about my life to herself unless I ask. Most of the time. She is still my mother after all and she will always want to push me on the right direction as she sees it but she is respectful and about. =p Sorry for the format. I'm on a phone and its a lot of work.
Turn 21 in a month, and I finish university in about a year. I still live with my family because I don't have the time to work enough hours to afford an apartment, and get the grades that I do. I still work though, but my parents help with certain bills until I graduate. My recommendation is if your parents are willing to help you pay for things without it taking too much from your life, accept the offer. In your case you will be building your life while you are away, so to have some of the financial burden shouldered while you find your feet is really important. Taking on every single responsibility that comes with being on your own will crush you. Don't get discouraged because you rely on your parents for things. You've realized now that you need to make moves on your own, so begin taking the steps to do it. Don't think about what was; think about now, and tomorrow. I'm not sure ultimately how stuff works outside of the US in terms of up-bringing, but personal finance like Elisza said is of great importance. Keep track of what your spending, and for the love of all that is good learn to save. You have no idea how many friends I have that spend money on going out, concerts, etc. then complain about being broke. I'm not saying you can't do fun things because you can, just learn to control yourself. Sometimes it isn't worth it. Having a good line of credit is always a plus and makes life easier in the future. I read the bit you said about part-time jobs, and to be honest the money isn't great. I have a two job currently that I juggle with school. I think the point of having those jobs is just learning how to juggle your affairs. I still get through school with a grade average that is much higher than the class standard, and get my work done. They teach discipline, but that is a personal experience. Finally, the social skills thing is pretty simple, but it is harsh. I myself try to do it because my social skills lack the finesse that I notice in others. Try to start up a conversation with anyone. The only way you are going to learn to be a conversationalist is to actually talk with people. It may go shitty for a while, but as you pick up on the basic cues you will get better. When I say start up a conversation with anyone I mean anyone. Age? Doesn't matter Gender? Doesn't matter. Style? Doesn't matter. That is probably the best advice I can give you to begin building this skill because it is really all that matters.
That sounds right. I never thought about it this way because the thought of being dependent on my parents for anything is abhorrent. I very much don't like feeling like their living doll that they can throw around and live a life for... which, I realize now, is probably the whole point. They want to live my life because they failed theirs: jobs they hate, family they'd rather be without, friends that suck... Shit, it makes sense now. It seems like the saving money sentiment is very prominent in the US: it's the only thing I hear about personal finances and, in fact, the only "personal finances" thing I ever hear. In Russia, people don't care so much about money - at least, I've never met the communities that do, unlike in the US part of the Internet. Learning of importance of resources - time, work/effort, money, food etc. - comes from other places. I do have my binge-buying lapses, can't deny. It seems that this will require discipline. That, too, is what I hear about social interactions. Like swimming and cycling, the only way to learn is to do. And you know, if this conversation happened a few months ago, I'd tell you that I'm too terrified to even try, yet right now... I'm still terrified, but it's not such a bad idea to try. Thanks for stopping by, and for reminding me of what's important. I appreciate it.My recommendation is if your parents are willing to help you pay for things without it taking too much from your life, accept the offer. In your case you will be building your life while you are away, so to have some of the financial burden shouldered while you find your feet is really important.
Try to start up a conversation with anyone.