Be grateful.

For what - the money?

My parents have been judging me my whole life. They have little respect for me. They've never accepted me for what I am, never congratulated me on achieving things that don't matter to them. Straight A grades? Good. A single B grade? Why didn't you apply yourself? Why didn't you get an A? A new story? Why do you even spend time with that shit? Better go play with the kids outside; so what that you don't feel accepted there? For them, I'm a living doll; they play me to fulfill their dreams of the life they could have had.

It's not to say that they owe me the money, or that them paying is some kind of payback for what they did. It is some kind of worth back for me. The reason I'm still where I am is that I don't have the nerve, the experience or knowledge and the energy to go out daring the crap out of my life and working anywhere I can, no matter how shitty the job. If they didn't pay, I'd see no reason to stay here: anything would be better than that crap; even if I'd fail miserably, at least it would be my fault, to which I got on my own.

You probably have no idea how much it means to me to do things on my own after such treatment. Doing things on my own pays better emotional dividents than being paid for; being bought. A fucking ugly thing to do from any parent: buy children with toys and candies, instead of connecting with them, spending quality time with them, accepting them and trying to understand them the best you can. Why does it matter, right? Money will buy everything!..

I'd give away everything in my possession just to be able to spend one day with my parents that won't be filled with the critique uncalled for, the constant bickering, the mutual disrespect each of us's causing with our behavior by reacting to another's words and actions... That they pay for my education is a consolation prize.

So yes, I don't appreciate money. I don't give a shit about it. Money is just a resource to support one's living in the capitalist society. And yes, maybe it would be best if they did cut me off. Maybe that's what I want, secretly, and don't have the balls to go for. The times where I had to find and make food instead of complaining about "not eating that shit" were great. Maybe that's what I want but am taking what I have instead because that's easier. They can do it, too, but they chose not to, despite threatening me with eviction and putting me into an orphanage quite a few times.

Was there something else I had to be grateful for?

EDIT: This came out to be too angry. It's past midnight here, I had a list of disappointing interactions with people all around the globe in the span of a few hours and I'm still cooling off from writing the post.