Going to lunch with my parents today turned into my mom giving me an impromptu lecture on me breastfeeding.
I am not pregnant. I am not married. I currently live with my parents. I do have a partner, who I've been dating about...1.5 months. I am female and 25. I'm open to the idea of having kids sometime in the future but I have a lot of reservations and so far, my hormones haven't risen up and taken over to create a tsunami and subsequent flood of "baby" or "must have baby now" feelings.
It's interesting to think about the expectations our parents put on us, without verbalizing them or even consciously realizing them. My parents want me to buy a house but are clearly steering me towards certain "types" of homes and part of that "home type" seems to be "resale value/potential to 'raise a family' there."
I told my mom that whether or not I chose to breastfeed a child was not an issue that I saw in my foreseeable future, so could we drop the subject. I had to tell her twice, but we did manage to move on.
So, yeah. Not driven towards having kids, lots of reasons why I'm not particularly interested, but recognize that hormones and time can do funny things to a person and their opinions.
Hubski, whuddabout you? If you have kids, how did you feel about having kids before you did? Do any of you regret it (from what I've seen Hubski parents are pretty thrilled, happy parents, but maybe there's one of you that hasn't spoken up)?
wow… this is so loaded…. and hitting a little close to home at the moment (frustrated with myself and my kids). I'll share some, but not all. It's too bad I don't drink… or I'd be sloshed and sharing way TMI.
I don't think I mentally prepared myself to have kids. My first son was born about 6 months after my 25th birthday. I was married, graduated, employed, etc. but I don't think I was "ready". Although arguably - you never REALLY are. You can wait for a good job and a nice house and a reliable car and, and, and…. you're never fully ready - and that is truly unexplainable.
We've had many more kids… yah - I said it… more… many more. I kinda wanted to be done with three (normal cars, all boys, so one room, etc), but my wife had other ideas. At this point - even if I made a ton of money - I'll never be wealthy. Kids are expensive.
I'm glad we have more - but I wasn't always thrilled about it. Kids are RIDICULOUS. They break your heart and fill it back up again and somehow it's a little bigger each time. It's like emotional/spiritual workout sessions that run 24x7. It's so hard. There are no breaks.
If you let them - children can make you a better person. That workout builds patience, compassion, mental agility, character, endurance, and charity.
But it can break you too. Maybe not completely break you - but you gotta be careful. There can be rough patches. You need a partner in crime (spouse, significant other, whatever) who is 100% equally invested in the situation. Both for the kid and for you. And you for him/her. Ugh. I'm tired just thinking about it.
TLDR - Do I regret being a parent? Yah.. some days. But long term? No way. Somewhere along the line, you lose yourself in it, and then you find a better version of you.
end ramble.
I was on the fence. Before kids, I was following a career (if you can call it that) that had me travelling a fair amount, staying up late, just generally being young and irresponsible. On top of that, I was young- got married at 24, first kid at 26. So I wasn't sure about getting started so early.
On the other hand, my wife had made it clear way back when we started dating that she loved babies, and she wanted them early. Not in a creepy "let's get this party started" way, it's just always how she related to the world. Knew she wanted to work in L&D. Had Anne Geddes pics up in her dorm room (okay, that was pretty fucking creepy, have you seen that shit?). So I knew what I was getting into.
The transition was tough in a lot of ways- most prominently in terms of self identity. Make no mistake, having a kid changes a lot of bidness, both environmentally and internally.
In that regard, parenthood isn't for everybody. Some people, male and female, just aren't cut out for the demands and structural changes that come with parenthood. So I'm very careful not to push having kids on anybody unless they're already thinking about it.
With those caveats out of the way: I'm tired all the time, I have two hours every night to just do what I want, I don't really go out much anymore... and I've never been as globally happy and fulfilled as I am now, surrounded by my family. Kids can be tough logistically, but logistics (and logic) mean very little in the face of such a profound and unequivocal love.
The memory I cherish above all- and I've got a lot of great memories at this point- is that of my first daughter being born. The event itself was nothing much to write home about- bright OR, lots of people, big cut, screaming baby, here-hold'er. But what makes it my best memory is the snowballing effect that event had over my entire life. The ramifications become bigger every day, as I look at her growing and interacting and nourishing me as I do the same for her and her siblings (that birth was neat too, but in some ways another causal offshoot of the first, which is why I didn't fold it into the "best memory" statement). So the event wasn't as huge as everything that causally came after, and that makes that memory the best. Such a small piece of time that changed so much in such a beautiful way.
There's nothing easy about parenting, but the best rewards in life aren't often won easily. It's not for everybody, but it's everything for me. It's made me a better person, and there's no greater joy than to watch my kids grow. We'll see how great that feels when they're teenagers, though.
You go out less
Babysitters are expensive and if you get home at 11:00am , you feel like it's 3am
The kids get sick and you get sick
They're not that expensive... yet. Mine are little and playing with the bow on the box is often more fun than the $100 gift that was in it.
They love you, so much it's unbelievable.
They're a lot like you in many ways. -My daughter is just like my wife and my son seems to be more like me. It's neat
They require constant interaction and supervision right now. I'm exhausted much of the time.
They love the movie Frozen. Fuck the movie Frozen. ghostoffuffle knows what I'm talking about.
They allow you to re-experience things from your childhood. -Awesome
They ask tough questions that get you thinking....
They make you more selfless
They make me more driven to succeed
They poop and pee and you will get it on you
They think you are the strongest and most brilliant person alive
I NEVER regret the decision to have children. I do wish we had a live-in nanny though :-)
Confirmed
TNG has material evidence that Frozen is the bane of my fuckin' existence right now.
Spot on with all of this, esp. re. experiencing childhood again.
Your evidence made me and my wife laugh out loud. Hilarious, I'm so glad it was given to your child and not mine.
I wouldn't say that it has made my life better or worse, better in some ways for sure, worse in others, for sure. Lots more joy, less fun. More stress, and more gray hair, that much is certain.
The love I have for my daughter is overwhelming, and that's an incredible thing to experience. But, it's also a very scary thing to experience. I feel like she makes me a better person.
We are only having one, and I have experienced some pressure and disbelief from that decision. But I'm not much bothered by it. People usually have no idea what they are doing themselves, so I typically weigh advice very selectively. :)
For that same reason, when it comes to this decision, I have none to give.
Preface: I'm 27
1. I live in South Texas
2. Been with my girlfriend for almost 4 years
3. My younger sister isn't seeing anyone, and it doesn't look like she will be anytime soon
4. I want to get my PhD before I plant the seed
5. My girlfriend wants another degree or two as well before she cuts off that glorious birth control (which she meticulously takes every night, she rocks, major props)
6. My parents are Southern Baptist, and have probably figured out I'm having mad sex out of wedlock, in addition to a(n unreasonable?) yearning for grandchildren.
7. Almost every familial get together, I face a barrage of "guess which one of your cousins is engaged and/or pregnant!"
8. I live in South Texas
Also, I live in South Texas.
Ha, I have three male cousins that live somewhere in Texas (we haven't met since I was quite wee) and all three of them "had to get married," as I was told by another Southern cousin a few years back. In polite Southern society "had to get married" means "knocked their girlfriends up."
You'd think by the third cousin (they were all brothers), he might've learned from the mistakes of the first two.
- 7. Almost every familial get together, I face a barrage of "guess which one of your cousins is engaged and/or pregnant!"
I swear to god this is all we're going to talk about when I visit my southern baptist family in Houston over the holidays.
Did you want to have kids, or like the idea of having kids, more when you were younger? At 16 I have a pretty genuine desire to raise a little dude or two.
I'm assuming it's because I haven't dealt with the responsibilities of an adult life yet, so the reality of raising kids while working and so on isn't as apparent to me.
Yes. I did. I very, very much wanted nothing more, at 18, than to marry my high school boyfriend and have kids with him. I didn't think it would be a bad thing if I got pregnant by him: it wouldn't be ideal, of course, but I/we were confident we would manage. (We had a scare or two, a late period, that's all, but when that happens and you are Young and Serious, you have all sorts of discussions.)
After we broke up, part of me hoped that he'd somehow gotten me pregnant because then I would still have a part of him to hold on to. Most of me didn't, but part of me thought, that wouldn't be too bad. Then I'd still have something.
Let's be clear: when I was 18 and beginning 19, I was a bit of soppy, dependent, insecure, naive, overly romantic, idealistic idiot with huge insecurity problems, huge control issues, and a pretty warped perspective on "good relationships." I was also a bit of a homebody, never drank smoked, partied or was even around any of that, and had never been allowed to wear a spaghetti-strap tank top let alone shorts that didn't go halfway down my thigh. I admired the Amish. I wanted to be a stay-at-home mom. I had probably never masturbated.
I was mega-mondo-hugely sheltered and I didn't know how much by a long, looooong yard.
Sure! I wanted kids!
.
In two years I was facing real life real hard and real up close and I didn't want a kid. Not wanting a kid made me think about what it would be like, to actually have one. The real and hard consequences. The more I thought, the more things I found that gave me pause.
I've just got a list as long as my arm about kids these days, and it runs the gamut from "I refuse to monitor a kid's Facebook/Twitter/social media" and "Cell phones" to "Money" and "Physical impact and cost" and "Global warming" and "Would I give a kid the issues my parents gave to me?" Some of them I can't see past, not by myself. I worry I'd teach my kids behaviors that would cripple them in the real world, set them up for hurt or failure.
So I know I'd need a good partner to offset that - but is that even fair? Can someone truly assuage all my worries and complexes enough for me to have a kid? I'm leaning towards probably not, ladies and gentlemen...but at least I know. At least I'm not 26 and married and going along with having babies because I never learned to ask myself what I wanted, and because I never broke down exactly how much it would cost or what it would require.
- "Would I give a kid the issues my parents gave to me?"
I think of this in the much more global sense. What kind of world would I leave for a child?
I'm not confident that I will be able to build a better life for a child than my parents have built for me, and that's quite common in this generation. I have to try, but the odds suck, and likely the issues that I have will be worse for my children.
- At least I'm not 26 and married and going along with having babies
You make that sound so... shameful.
I feel like if I hadn't faced some of what I did, I would not have considered what I wanted so thoroughly, and so run the risk of "going along" with something instead of following my own desires.
It's hard for me to articulate my emotions and desires. I often don't know what I want, and just "go along" with the situation that presents itself to see how it goes. In those cases I am interested enough to be curious, but otherwise a passive actor.
I don't want to be a passive actor in my life.
Like - I wouldn't have done it because it was something I knew I wanted, I would have just done it because, well, that's the next step in the big ol' Path.
See what you mean now.
"The unexamined life is not worth giving."
Respectfully
Conflating defeat with shame is misguided; acquiescence with defeat even more so. An all-or-nothing mentality doesn't get one very far, especially in long-term relationships where give-and-take is the name of the game and acquiescence is often very much necessary.
As I said above, I wasn't sure I was ready for kids when we had our first. This could be taken for acquiescence- should I feel shame for it?
I also think there's a tangible difference between a hypothetical situation in which one isn't sure they want kids at all, never bothered to communicate this to their SO, presumably never bothered sounding out SO's stance, and just kind of goes along with it without exploring their own desires; and a real-world example where one knew they wanted kids but didn't know exactly when, knew their partner wanted kids earlier rather than later and validated this view, and decided that, in the absence of any immediate and disqualifying personal goals, might as well take the plunge despite lingering doubts.
Ain't nothing wrong with not wanting or having kids. Likewise, I like to think that my personal decision and the circumstances surrounding it doesn't somehow make me socially or morally inferior.
My intent was only to explain why that particular phrasing sounded shameful, nothing more, and I apologize that it came across that way.
- I also think there's a tangible difference between a hypothetical situation in which one isn't sure they want kids at all, never bothered to communicate this to their SO, presumably never bothered sounding out SO's stance, and just kind of goes along with it without exploring their own desires; and a real-world example where one knew they wanted kids but didn't know exactly when, knew their partner wanted kids earlier rather than later and validated this view, and decided that, in the absence of any immediate and disqualifying personal goals, might as well take the plunge despite lingering doubts.
I agree, except for one point.
'Give and take' should have no part in the creation of a human life. It should not be a bargaining chip.
Fair enough. In terms of lives as bargaining chips: I'm not espousing this idea. Rather, I think "do both of us want kids" should be one of the few fundamental questions discussed by anybody looking to enter into a long term state sanctioned relationship. If you don't bother to establish that before jumping into the soup, there are probably plenty of issues that could very well scuttle the relationship before kids ever enter the equation. Hence, lives-as-bargaining-chips shouldn't ever be part of a successful partnership. Doesn't really fall under the "give and take" category. If you didn't agree to it in initial discussion, maybe that relationship isn't for you. If you never discussed it before entering the relationship, ditto.
I have a list of reasons why OB + baby will never happen. I'm 22, so bear with me.
I will never have biological children. As soon as it's legal, I'm getting that vasalgel stuff, and when I'm a little older, a vasectomy. The genes I carry that produce my specific heart condition have a greater than 50% chance of being passed on to any offspring. I am thankful that I was born in a time and place that has sufficiently advanced medicine, and sufficient access to that medicine, else I would be dead. But I would not wish what I have gone through upon anyone.
I'm absolutely terrified to think of what a child raised by me would turn out like. I'm incredibly cynical, pessimistic, impatient, and carry a pretty stiff mocking for a lot of religious traditions and social institutions.
I don't think I'd be able to handle it when my child started asking questions I don't have answers for.
I got into a discussion a few months ago where I had to posit how I WOULD raise a child, children, if I had to, and the description I came out with sounded a lot like OftenBen's School for Gifted Youngsters. I wouldn't be raising kids, I would be cultivating the next Jiddu Krishnamurti, the next Churchill, the next Marie Curie.