Yes. I did. I very, very much wanted nothing more, at 18, than to marry my high school boyfriend and have kids with him. I didn't think it would be a bad thing if I got pregnant by him: it wouldn't be ideal, of course, but I/we were confident we would manage. (We had a scare or two, a late period, that's all, but when that happens and you are Young and Serious, you have all sorts of discussions.)

After we broke up, part of me hoped that he'd somehow gotten me pregnant because then I would still have a part of him to hold on to. Most of me didn't, but part of me thought, that wouldn't be too bad. Then I'd still have something.

Let's be clear: when I was 18 and beginning 19, I was a bit of soppy, dependent, insecure, naive, overly romantic, idealistic idiot with huge insecurity problems, huge control issues, and a pretty warped perspective on "good relationships." I was also a bit of a homebody, never drank smoked, partied or was even around any of that, and had never been allowed to wear a spaghetti-strap tank top let alone shorts that didn't go halfway down my thigh. I admired the Amish. I wanted to be a stay-at-home mom. I had probably never masturbated.

I was mega-mondo-hugely sheltered and I didn't know how much by a long, looooong yard.

Sure! I wanted kids!

.

In two years I was facing real life real hard and real up close and I didn't want a kid. Not wanting a kid made me think about what it would be like, to actually have one. The real and hard consequences. The more I thought, the more things I found that gave me pause.

I've just got a list as long as my arm about kids these days, and it runs the gamut from "I refuse to monitor a kid's Facebook/Twitter/social media" and "Cell phones" to "Money" and "Physical impact and cost" and "Global warming" and "Would I give a kid the issues my parents gave to me?" Some of them I can't see past, not by myself. I worry I'd teach my kids behaviors that would cripple them in the real world, set them up for hurt or failure.

So I know I'd need a good partner to offset that - but is that even fair? Can someone truly assuage all my worries and complexes enough for me to have a kid? I'm leaning towards probably not, ladies and gentlemen...but at least I know. At least I'm not 26 and married and going along with having babies because I never learned to ask myself what I wanted, and because I never broke down exactly how much it would cost or what it would require.