Blergh, so here we go.
I moved back in with my parents. This happened at the beginning of the month when my old lease expired and I couldn't be half assed to find another place to live. It didn't help I was going back to school. But then the emotions started to rise until it reached a bit of an unbearable boiling point. I gotta vent.
First, the physics. I'm sitting in oscillations and waves class right now with my friends. The prof is literally dressed like Kevin Flippin' Parker. Long hair too. Non-stop jokes about doing math for fun and romance. That's right, friends. I was sulking, trying to avoid making friends due to sheer embarrassment out of the flaming ashes of my failed political career and in spite of that I still ended up making more friends than I did the entire time I was in political science. How did that happen? How do you purposely avoid talking to everyone and end up with more friends than when you genuinely tried?
So there's that baggage, but it's irrelevant. Maybe I'm not as much of a cunt who doesn't want to be "nice" as I thought. Four months ago I was on a cruise watching the world go by and lettin' shit slide while an older dude in line turned to me and exclaimed "this is worse than Vietnam." Now?
My younger brother is working for Dad. So is my older brother. Out of 3 kids in the family I'm the only one who isn't working for Dad. There's nothing wrong with that, but 2 years ago you didn't give a fook and were lettin' shit slide. Now you're "doing this temporarily" until you go to uni for your B.S. in computer science. Okay, fine. Wait, now you hate school, now you want to make that your career and you're subtly suggesting (without DIRECTLY saying) I drop out and you love your job. Saying shit like "oh, may be your anxiety will go away once you start WORKING. I have a job you asshole. And there are more important things in my life than #middleclass while running unit tests on Java backends. Mainly not making major life decisions based on fear and moving your entire material existence in the exact same way as your parents. Both your parents. Who worked for the same company as their parents. Can you start to see the trendline emerge? Holy shit, I need a linear regression.
But that's clearly asking too much. I should be grateful I woke up this morning. I should be grateful to work for Dad. I should be grateful to live in a first world country. I should be grateful my parents are still trying to do everything for me like I'm a child who can't catch a bus or do his laundry or schedule an appointment or show up for work on time. 99% of people work for their dads, and that's just social hierarchy.
So I can't confide to him. Or my parents. I can in my friends though, who after a depressing comment and a confrontation told me that they think my real passion is art and I gotta join the circus. Which is basically true but it always suxxx balls because a career in art is a way to fast track yourself to The Edge(R). Anything beats working for Dad. My family are lovely people but sooner or later you can't escape the hell of other people's perceptions. Eventually it becomes a subtle form of gaslighting, even if it's borne of love and well-meaning. I get it. We're going to live and die by the corporate grind whether we want to or not but does it have to be your dad? Can't it be someone else's dad for once? Imagine genuinely being proud of that. Going from peace and love to shitting on everyone who isn't a low-level I.T. goat and working for your dad your entire life (but there's nothing wrong with that and reality zux. The older I get, the less real the world seems. Like God is just creating identical characters and fuckin' with the stats slightly.
So I'm looking for another apartment but it's probably too late now that school is underway. Then I woke up obsessively early at like four in the morning and drove to Starbucks. I then drove my car around aimlessly for a bit, listening to music I recorded and old Bastille and Naked and Famous records. Hayzus.
Anyway, that's just the fax, no printer. Peace, love, flower power, good planet, good feast and even if I end up digging ditches 10 years from now I still love you more.