lil asked me this question in IRC last night, and it led to some interesting conversation, so I thought I'd share it with you guys.
My answer (maybe not entirely about myself, but you get the idea):
1. I don't do well in secret relationships. They're a bad idea.
2. You can communicate as much as you want in a relationship, but if the other person doesn't communicate back, it won't work out. (Then after a little bit more prodding from lil, I realized) I should look for people to date who communicate frequently and effectively.
3. No matter how good a relationship looks on paper, in the end if one person just doesn't believe in it, there's nothing you can do.
What about you guys? What did you learn about yourselves from your last relationships? Self-reflection and meta-cognition are always fun, and the driving forces behind most self-improvement. So go ahead, meta-cognate. Cognite. Cogn- whatever.
1. The best thing after a relationship is to separate entirely. Cut off all contact. It hurts more, but in the long run it is better. 2. A grudge held against the other person can sour your view of them. This holds true for all relationships. Forgive one another. 3. Love is not a never ending resource. The other person may run out. 4. You cannot change the other person. Only they can. 5. You want to be interdependent. You must realize that together you can achieve much greater things than you could by yourself. 6. You are often wrong, and your partner is as well. Admit it when you are. 7. Do not worry so much. 8. Finally, be yourself. Don't try to be anyone different. They will fall in love with something you are not, and that is a recipe for disaster.
Here's some things I learned living with my ex: 1) Small issues really matter and they can build up into resentments over time if they aren't addressed 2) Talking about the relationship often is a good thing to do 3) Differing future plans and expectations can be really bad for the longevity of a relationship 4) It's really important to appreciate your partner and do things for them and the relationship 5) Living in a very small apartment with someone who really needs a lot of space is a bad idea, especially if you're unemployed and home all the time. 6) It's easy to lose your sense of identity in the relationship if you don't work to maintain it - especially if you have weak personal boundaries 7) Mental health issues can really fuck up a relationship - depression (this was me) anxiety and insecurities can be damaging 8) It's easy to stagnate, neglect yourself and live with unhappiness because it's comfortable 9) Physical intimacy is super important, it's a bad sign if this starts to go down hill 10) It's an amazing feeling to feel loved by someone else and to be intimate with them, there's nothing quite like it. I miss it greatly. 11) Trust is so important, even if it's small things. If you say you're going to do something for your partner do it. Don't be lazy about it because it just gradually erodes trust over time if you keep not keeping your word. Even if it's just something like picking up your clothes off the floor. 12) If your partner makes something creative, really show them how much you appreciate it and praise them for it genuinely. I'm guilty of not doing this and really regret it now. 13) Don't rely on the other person to be your source of happiness/self-esteem, it isn't healthy
My wife and I don't talk much about our relationship. We definitely piss each other off from time to time. Neither of us wants to hurt the other. If one of us has done the other wrong we do one of a few things. 1. Eat it. I love my wife but she is going to totally ignore my feelings from time to time which will piss me off and hurt. Because I love her I can deal with it. Sometimes it's OK to eat a little pain for someone who gives you more than any other person in the world ever has. 2. Let things come to the point where it's obvious that this isn't working. You can talk about it or fight about it or you can just let it get to the point where you or the other person realizes that shit isn't working and things are going to have to go differently. There is nothing like shit not working to show ones point. "So.... I've really made a mess of this, I'm sorry, this is what I probably should have done, I should have listened to you, I can tell you are unhappy and do you think that if I'd done this instead it would have worked out better". I guess you could call this "talking about the relationship" but it really only takes a good 5-10 minutes. Letting someone know that you love and respect them and that you also know that you've screwed up and should probably do stuff differently seems pretty different from the girls I dated who wanted to "talk about the relationship." You have to be in a relationship with a mature person who both loves and respects you and can get outside themselves enough to see things from your perspective (If you are dating a shitty narcissist this is pretty much off the table). 3. We will say something along the lines of "It really don't like it when you do XXXX" I suppose this is also "talking about the relationship" but I don't think it's what people actually mean when they use that phrase. Because my wife is important to me I try and actually take this kind of statement seriously. Doesn't mean I roll over and do exactly what she says or visa versa. These kinds of things can sometimes end up rolling back over into #1 or #2. I may not like something she has her mind set on and she is going to do it anyway, at this point I can eat it or let things devolve to the point she has to take a look at the way things are going and make some adjustments. It's just a little cost benefit analysis. The wife and I have had about four major fights in the ten years we have been together. Not one of these fights was profitable to either party. Hate to say that "talking about the relationship" is fighting but really for the most part it isn't far off. If you have to have some kind of non-organic discussion about your relationship, the other party doesn't really understand you or hasn't been blinded by their own desires to the extent that they aren't listening to you. The wife and I talk at length all the time about all kinds of things, it's effortless and a joy to my heart. If your relationship isn't engaging and you don't have an understanding of what makes the other person tick than sure, it's a lot of work to keep things on the rails.
1) Don't like a girl just because she's nice to you 2) Don't just be nice, it easily becomes a synonym for boring 3) I am boring and I'm okay with that e: super pissed I missed IRC but I got cheesecake and my copies of Marvel v. Capcom 3 Kingdom Hearts Final Mix and Project X Zone so it's not all bad
I just got out of a relationship that started that way. Yep, if neither of you are interested it doesn't matter how good people think you would be together. It just won't work.
That's true, but to be honest it was a rash decision on my part. We had just started hanging out again and people had been suggesting it, so I figured why not try it. Who knows, maybe we hang out more over this year and feelings change.
Sort of. This realization came after my ex had said that she felt like we were really not that similar - I wanted to try to reason with her and explain that superficial similarities didn't have to make or break a relationship (b/c we had initially connected through sort of our worldviews, which happened to come up in a discussion before we really knew each other that much), but I realized that trying to rationalize why the relationship could still work would be ineffective because she just didn't believe in us.
Thank you for realizing this. When I get back to DE this weekend I have to have a discussion with someone about why I do not want to continue dating him. (For the record: We have been on three dates. I don't think three dates merits this discussion, but clearly, he does.) I plan on saying "I am not interested in continuing to date you because I do not like you." Despite this very truthful, very blunt statement, I anticipate that he is going to argue with me. If someone doesn't want to be with you - accept that. Please, for the love of god, people, accept it.
Blech.... Why can't people take rejection with a little more grace? If I am not digging your already why the hell do you think I'll dig you if you make it hard as hell to tell you to go away? The only people I've dated that took breaking up well were one's I actually liked but knew it wasn't going to work out. Good luck with the three date breakup.
ref: I prefer to say "it's not the right thing for me." -- which is also true without being cruel. Gradually escalate as necessary.... Let's call him "Blinky" just for fun. Cell Phone: "boom chukka lukka lukka, boom chukka" -- "Hello" Hey Ref - I'm glad you're back. Let's get together. "Hey Blinky, thanks for calling. I've been thinking about us a lot and decided that seeing you is not the right thing for me." What are you talking about? We're perfect for each other. "It's really just not the right thing for me right now." Look ref, let's just give it another chance. Let's just hang out at the house tonight. I'll cook dinner. "Thanks Blinky, but -- it's -- not -- the -- right -- thing for me. ( alittle firmer). But . . . "Bye now." click. good luck
Within three weeks of knowing me this guy made me the generous offer of allowing me to fund his marijuana grow operation. With my, and I quote, "big girl job." When I declined he told me i would regret this. when I declined I told him I had no interest in seeing him further. he still doesn't understand - refuses to understand - why I am not interested in continuing to see him. He doesn't deserve subtlety, lil, he deserves to be hit on the head with a shovel because apparently this is the only way he will accept my point. The question becomes: why am I even acquiescing to this meeting at all? He has some physical possessions of mine but nothing very important - I think. I am not sure. He keeps making reference to "documents" I left at his house. I am pretty sure they will turn out to be bar receipts - but not totally. So I am meeting him on my (public) turf. I am going to hit him over the head and see if he still persists and when he does, I will hit him over the head again. The truth is that he has made me seethingly angry and part of me wants to put that out on him a little bit. So he wants to see me so badly? Fine. Let him see me, and I'll make sure he never wants to see me again.
My life is a horror story. This person has now texted me telling me he is going to be catching a train to Virginia on Monday...just like me! He wants to know when my train is scheduled so we can ride together. I have not spoken to him since Monday when I told him I was not sending him mixed signals by ignoring his invitations to come over on Sunday night, and also that I would see him this upcoming weekend when he could give me my things and I would give him a piece of my mind. Immediately before that I told him I was two inches away from blocking his number. Immediately before that I was yelling at him. I will now be taking the train that requires me to wake up at 4 AM because I don't care, I'm not sitting next to or near this motherfucker for five hours. Clearly he expects our conversation this weekend to go completely the opposite way that it will. It makes me wonder what his last relationship was like that he so completely disregards my anger and emotions. It makes me wonder how the hell it lasted two years.
Nope, I managed to find someone ever crazier. I've decided to temporarily retire. I'm going to kick this guy's butt to the curb, block his number, and then actively refuse all advances for a while. I feel like I'm on a dating tailspin and I really don't want to find out what's worse, or more obnoxious, than this one.
Now hold on a minute. Clearly your dating makes for some very interesting stories. Maybe you should just keep going and have a blog for seeing just how ridiculous these Delaware men can be. It's like the old parable of walking in to seeing the dog shaping your baby's head on the pottery wheel. You should stop him... but let's see where he's going with this.
lil, can you clarify what is meant by "relationship" - i.e., when you (believe you) have both accepted titles of "boyfriend/girlfriend," or when monogamy vs. non-monogamy is discussed and agreed upon, or etc? When terms are set? My last long-term relationship, or my last one-night stand? (I figure most people learn more about themselves from the former than the latter.)
You define. If the last one-nighter led to an icky feeling, we'll learn that maybe we're not the one-night stand type. If the one-nighter led to a great enduring friendship, we learn that we're a good judge of character. We potentially learn from everything. Mostly I had in mind a break-up that creates some painful feelings -- as in -- I don't want to feel this way again -- what can I take away from this, what can I learn that will help me make future choices? Is that any clearer?
I have no idea how to be single. When you're with somebody for long enough it becomes really easy to abandon your sense of personal identity and take comfort in the idea that this partner will always be around. Then, when that doesn't work out, you have to re learn how to feel comfortable being alone. It's really difficult for me, I can't recall a time in my life where I've been okay with being single - it's always either in a relationship, or waiting to be in a relationship.