My wife and I don't talk much about our relationship. We definitely piss each other off from time to time.

Neither of us wants to hurt the other. If one of us has done the other wrong we do one of a few things.

1. Eat it. I love my wife but she is going to totally ignore my feelings from time to time which will piss me off and hurt. Because I love her I can deal with it. Sometimes it's OK to eat a little pain for someone who gives you more than any other person in the world ever has.

2. Let things come to the point where it's obvious that this isn't working. You can talk about it or fight about it or you can just let it get to the point where you or the other person realizes that shit isn't working and things are going to have to go differently. There is nothing like shit not working to show ones point. "So.... I've really made a mess of this, I'm sorry, this is what I probably should have done, I should have listened to you, I can tell you are unhappy and do you think that if I'd done this instead it would have worked out better". I guess you could call this "talking about the relationship" but it really only takes a good 5-10 minutes. Letting someone know that you love and respect them and that you also know that you've screwed up and should probably do stuff differently seems pretty different from the girls I dated who wanted to "talk about the relationship." You have to be in a relationship with a mature person who both loves and respects you and can get outside themselves enough to see things from your perspective (If you are dating a shitty narcissist this is pretty much off the table).

3. We will say something along the lines of "It really don't like it when you do XXXX" I suppose this is also "talking about the relationship" but I don't think it's what people actually mean when they use that phrase. Because my wife is important to me I try and actually take this kind of statement seriously. Doesn't mean I roll over and do exactly what she says or visa versa. These kinds of things can sometimes end up rolling back over into #1 or #2. I may not like something she has her mind set on and she is going to do it anyway, at this point I can eat it or let things devolve to the point she has to take a look at the way things are going and make some adjustments. It's just a little cost benefit analysis.

The wife and I have had about four major fights in the ten years we have been together. Not one of these fights was profitable to either party. Hate to say that "talking about the relationship" is fighting but really for the most part it isn't far off. If you have to have some kind of non-organic discussion about your relationship, the other party doesn't really understand you or hasn't been blinded by their own desires to the extent that they aren't listening to you. The wife and I talk at length all the time about all kinds of things, it's effortless and a joy to my heart. If your relationship isn't engaging and you don't have an understanding of what makes the other person tick than sure, it's a lot of work to keep things on the rails.