I don't think this is something that most people get to talk about too often in an environment of mutual love and respect. So I ask: what are you most self-conscience of about yourself?
For me, I always worry if I'm annoying. Since I can remember I've always acted the part of the class clown. But often times that led me to going over the top and as a result I felt (mainly in high school) that many people became annoyed with who I was. It's still something I am always aware of. I try to be just funny enough, but hold back when I feel I might be becoming too much for my friends to handle. So yeah. I'm self-conscience about being annoying.
Edit: Corrected spelling in title, haha. I'm overwhelmed already by everyone's openness. Thank you very much everyone for your honest responses.
This has been a moving target for me. When I was a kid I was most insecure about the color of my skin. I grew up one of the only brown kids in my town. My mother is of Mexican descent and my father of German. Later, as I got older I became more insecure about having a big nose. -it's still pretty damned big. These days I'm pretty self confident. -no joke. But I would strongly consider taking a closer look at that nose.
I'm Hispanic also (Mexican father and Dominican mother). I guess I was lucky to grow up where I did because my darker skin has never been an issue for me. There was one kid in elementary school who made fun of me for it, but I learned to ignore him. Also, I too have a large nose. It's not something I pay attention to, but I am well aware of it's massive size.
I think big noses are cool.
I like girls with a little something going on in the middle of their face.
I think it give men a bit of character if they are at all outgoing, if you got a big nose and you look like you are confident and fun then you probably got it going on. My nose is neither here nor there, somewhere in between.
Thanks for the vote of confidence. When I was about 22 years old I went to see a show at the Blind Pig in Ann Arbor Michigan. When the show was over, and I was walking to my car, I was sucker punched by a drunk Ohio State fan who was in town for football. I had to be taken to the hospital, my nose had to be re-broken in order to reset it. It's never looked the same since. I hate Ohio State.
Whenever I answer this question people gawk at me and all I can do is throw my hands up and shout, "SO I OVERCOMPENSATED! SUE ME!" But I've always been self-conscious about my inteligence. AUGH! See?? See what I mean?? Don't you see the... spelling....error? My family was brutal about it. I'm the youngest in a family of geniuses (two of whom act kind of like Sheldon from Big Bang Theory sometimes.) I remember in first grade coming home to exclaim, "I know addition!" My sisters laughed and taught me multiplication. When I went back to school to get my friend's approval, exclaiming, "I know multiplication!" I got bullied until I cried. 'Twas a lonely childhood. My constant struggles with reading speed and spelling never helped, and then I learned at 15 I was dyslexic. Not just oh kinda sorta dyslexic, but I had visual dyslexia, auditory dyslexia, and discalculia all to severe degrees. But I'm also an "eat your fear" kind of gal (high-five, Saydrah!) and didn't give up on my dream to be a writer. I majored in the hardest field for a dyslexic, kicked college's buttox and for the most part am pretty damn pleased with myself for it. I know I'm smart. It's just sometimes I go on rampages to prove it. (Anecdotally, I'm also really self-conscious about "Oh god how do I hubski!?")
Self image is something we're all concerned with I'd say. I mean, when we're shown so many edited images of the "perfect body," how can we not be concerned?
I'm sure having a positive attitude about it all is definitely beneficial.
In that you feel you have too much or too little?
Too much. It has always been a battle. I know I'm not obese but I never really have been satisfied with how I look. Its a work in progress haha
Honestly, who cares? I am a firm believer that inner beauty always trumps outer beauty. I was just at the bar and the waitress was an attractive women. However, through her interactions I can say with some certainty that she didn't have a lot of substance. If you're a thoughtful, kind person, it shouldn't matter at all what your outward appearance is.
My inability to write "self-conscious" ;) Sorry, sorry. Realistically it's mostly my voice. My parents were told I needed surgery and speech therapy when I was five because I always sounded congested and they were convinced I'd get bullied for my voice. That never actually happened in school (kids have a funny way of not realizing something is abnormal when they've been around it since they were in kindergarten) but the damage was done, and it got worse when I got the acting bug in fourth grade and a casting director told me that I could be voice actor "like Chuckie in the Rugrats." He meant it as a compliment, because weird kiddie voices are fungible currency in Hollywood if you also actually know how to do voice acting, but I was crushed. It's gotten better with age but I still sound unusual and have a slight lisp on top of it because my canine teeth are oversized. (Another thing "helpful" doctors wanted to "fix" because "she'll be bullied" that nobody but me ever bullied me about, in the end.) I'm an "eat your fear" person, so I got into public speaking and I love it more than anything else now. I still hate my voice, but I love, love, love speaking. And I've even dated guys who tell me I have a sexy voice, SO THERE KINDERGARTEN PEDIATRICIAN. (They're lying, but it's nice of them to try.)
Those in public speaking with unusual voices are the ones who are most remembered I think. Keep at it!
I get concerned at work on whether or not my anxiety shows. I've had a couple panic attacks at work, and I try my best to hide them, but I can't but wonder if anyone wonders if I'm acting differently. I try my best to control them (which is something I've learned to get good at), but I feel like I still have some visible signs.
I don't mean to come off rude, but do you realize your preoccupation with not showing your anxiety is most likely your main source of anxiety?
Again I didn't mean it to be rude. But it's something I've noticed in a friend of mine and wondered why it is so.
That's awesome. I've always been a proponent of not worrying about thing that need not be worried about.
We share that in common. The way I deal with it is just by being silent. I say little now, and try to really think thoroughly about what I do want to say. But really, above all else, I'm worried that I'm a terrible boyfriend. That she is just waiting for the opportunity to leave me behind and to be free of me. That really terrifies me.
That's what I've been working on, the thinking through of things. May I ask how long you've been in this relationship?
Haha sure. Two years now. The me worrying about how she may see me actually intersects with my desire to be less vocal. I can be distant at times when she needs me to be open to her. So I am a cautionary tale of hermetical desires gone wrong. Beware! Be weary that you don't sacrifice the well-being of your relationships all because of little paranoias and irrational fears fogging up your vision!
I used to feel the same way about my current relationship back when it first started (when I was a senior in high school). I don't mean to act the part of wise old man because I am by means, but I'd say that just comes with age (assuming you're younger than I am, haha). Just be yourself and enjoy the small things about the relationship and everything will go smoothly if it's meant to be.
Hey, talking from experience of being on the other side of that, you know, dating the one who wonders if they're a good boyfriend: When he opened up and and expressed that fear to me, and reiterated it when he was worried, it was very easy for me to soothe that worry. And I found it comforting to know I was able to do so, so it brought us closer rather than being any kind of pain to me. I'm just an advocate of openness.
There's no shame in wearing your emotions on your sleeve.
BC, yojoy, and IntimidatingScones -- I could be wrong - but I think "wondering if I'm being a good boyfriend" might be a condition specific to the hubski demographic. Maybe boys wonder that in secret, but I've never seen it and I've never had a boyfriend ask me "Am I a good boyfriend? How can I be a better boyfriend?" Never and I've never heard a girlfriend say that her boyfriend asked her that. What I do hear a lot of is men saying, "I thought everything was fine. Why did she dump me? It makes no sense." Ha ha, maybe they should have asked the magic am-I-being-a-good-boyfriend question. Another thing I see a lot of here is men posting pictures of their newborn babies and toddlers, including thenewgreen. Maybe he can tell me who the others are - I know I see baby pix all the time here. It's a brave new world here in our tiny corner of the web.
A condition specific to the hubski demographic? So, 18-25 year old males according to the last poll, right? I wouldn't be able to point this train of thought specifically to my peer group, as every friend I've ever had fits comfortably in the "I thought everything was fine" category. What I found most annoying was the amount of energy they all spent poking their noses into the lives of their friends' relationships. Early on I attributed this solely to girls because of the kinds of typecasts I'd seen on television and cinema -- but of course, everyone was at fault, not just the girls. When I was able to really see the corrosive effects it had not just on romantic relationships but the relationships of friends themselves I made a conscious effort always be completely focused on my efforts to sustain a worthwhile relationship with my own partner. So, over the years there's been plenty to learn. I'd say the best benefit of turning away from the (very often, ridiculous) situations that my friends put themselves in was that, in putting my relation to the one I'm with into a perspective without the tainting effects of various failing bonds around me, really gave me all the opportunity I ever needed to reflect on how it is that I wanted a relationship to grow and progress. I stopped taking the advice of others, the dispensers of "knowledge" who themselves were the ones with the trailing list of exes. I stopped giving any kind of gravity to advice columns and editorials about the "Top 20 Little Gestures That Reveal How She Really Feels", and things like that. After two years with my current girlfriend I am still always searching for ways to change my approach to our relationship. I do this because I realized in past relationships there was a point of acceptance where neither one party sought to do anything different in how the relationship was experienced. It flat-lined. In my present relationship, however, I've recognized that the both of us are independent individuals who are never satisfied with sticking around for too long in any one frame of mind. We are constantly growing as individuals, at our own pace. As a result, it may be that her opinions of the world are anchored to one particular period of history that she completely identifies with and uses that to interpret her situation now. But I may be at the polar end of her opinions there! So we discuss, we laugh, we cry, we learn. We agree and we disagree. We have built a relationship that revolves around our desire to continually learn and never rest. Now. My fears of my being a terrible boyfriend come into play when I feel that she is growing tiered of what we have, that perhaps she'd actually like a standard or average for us to maintain. Am I not romantic enough? Would she be happier if I surprised her every now and then with cute little gifts? I worry that she'll meet other guys who are far more tuned in with what she is thinking and feeling and that I've grown apart from from her -- that the differences between us have widened a gap that we acknowledged long ago. Would she ever leave me if she found someone on the other side of that gap? I worry about that. And so I can never stop wondering what it is that I can do to ensure that this relationship is still worth something, to the both of us. She can explore the world and her spirit, always across the universe in principle and philosophy, and I can do the same. I want us to always be able return to what brought us together in the first place without compromising who we are. We are both so far along that I honestly feel if I ever just stopped wondering these things, everything would collapse around us, and we would be strangers to each other.
Thanks for your thoughts on this, yojoy. First of all, I enjoy your writing. So we discuss, we laugh, we cry, we learn. We agree and we disagree. We have built a relationship that revolves around our desire to continually learn and never rest.
Has she read that passage? Does she agree? And so I can never stop wondering what it is that I can do to ensure that this relationship is still worth something, to the both of us.
All this wondering, it sounds like you are doing a lot of the emotional work in the relationship, or is she also thinking a lot about the sustainability of the two of you?
I'm positive she thinks of it as well, though certainly not as much as me. She is the hardest worker I know. She is constantly juggling school work with her volunteerism as well as extra-curricula. She loses many hours of sleep writing up new essays for scholarships and colleges, and she works on the weekends. The only time we have together is weeknights while she does homework. She's expressed to me that she's afraid I too may find someone else because there's hardly any private time for the two of us. So yes, she thinks of it as well, but because she's so invested in her efforts to excel in her academics, there isn't much time left for romance in our relationship. She'd love for there to be a time when it could just be the two of us, but again, she's got the rest of her life in mind. No, she hasn't read anything I've written haha. As you can imagine, she hasn't the time. But I know she'd agree with me. Our discussions are about the only opportunities we have to grow as a couple. "*I like your writing*" Thank you! I really enjoy your blogs, keep 'em coming!
There have been several others that I can recall, steve, mk, kleinbl00 and I'm sure some more. Many people have mentioned their children. I often try to think of how I can be a better husband. Heck, it was part of my NYE Resolution. "Be an even better husband/father". I think it may be the only part of my resolution I've stuck to :-)
I don't know that that's something many people pay attention to, to be quite honest.
Being introverted. American society puts a premium on being outgoing, and I'm the exact opposite. Occasionally people will make snide remarks about me being too quiet and I'll get self conscious.
I'm self-conscious about my place in my career and life from time to time. I'm in a very good spot, in an in-demand field in my area, and do very well for myself, engaged to a beautiful and smart girl, own a home, and have no real worries. But sometimes I almost panic and start questioning myself. Am I a phony? Do I deserve to be here? Am I in over my head? Do I actually have any idea what the fuck I'm actually doing? Why do people keep promoting me and giving me more money? Am I that good at what I do, or do they just like me because I'm social and friendly with everyone? This has been even more prevelant lately, as I just bought a nice house last year in a nice neighborhood, I got engaged, and we're planning on having a kid in the near future. Those things kind of compound this whole feeling of "what the fuck am I doing, and is it going to crumble all around me?" When I was living in a 1Br apartment, or a house with a bunch of friends, I guess I didn't need to care or worry about these things, but now there other people depending on me, a home to keep up, a career to keep building, a frigging baby human being I have to teach and provide for... ugh. I want all of these things, but this is the first point in my life where I've really felt any "weight" on me, and I guess I'm learning to deal with it. It's all things I want, and the rewards are greater than the risks by all means... but those risks are always in the back of my mind. The fear of failure, and that I've failed at other things in my life before (dropped out of college, let myself down numerous times, plenty of failed relationships, etc), just makes me really self-conscious and second guess my actions and place in life. It's all good, don't get me wrong, but about 1 day a month I have a minor freak out about all this, and I try to keep it underwraps as best I can and just get through it. But sometimes it's just really hard to shake.
I wouldn't say you've failed at anything. If you hadn't of dropped out of college, you wouldn't be where you are now. There's this book I'm currently reading called Zen and the Art of Happiness. His main premise is that everything that can happen to you is the best possible thing that could have happened to you, even if it doesn't show it's benefit until much later in life. I highly recommend it. Now, do you feel how you do because you feel as if there's something more or that you haven't quite nailed it (not in the sense of contentment because you seem to have plenty) in the sense that maybe life isn't about all of promotions or nice houses?
Zen and Buddhism are actually the things holding me together and keeping me on my path. I have read a lot of Alan Watts. "The Book", and "The Wisdom of Insecurity" were both great reads if you haven't already ocnsumed them. And yes, they express the same sentiment. The whole "whatever happens happens, it's only negative if you FEEL it's negative". All we ever have is this moment, there is no past or future, and right now my moment is going well, and as long as the moment is going well, my future should unfold the same. I'm a wannabe buddhist. I meditate, and even started shaving my head years ago as a result. Partially because of that, the other part because I look better with a shaved head. :) Oh I know life is far more than about money, houses, and stuff like that. My house its far smaller than I could afford, but it's a good size for me, my fiancee, our cats, and future family. It's about how you spend your time to me personally. But money does make things easier, and unfortunately I need money to explore the other things I want out of life. For example, I love traveling the world and experiencing new cultures, but that costs a lot of money, and more importantly as an American who only gets a few weeks off a year, it costs time. Having a good job that is both high paying and flexible with my time really helps me there. I'm also into music production, piano, and guitar, and those things all cost money as well to have access to in my home. So like I said, I very much agree with you life isn't about all these things, but given the society that we have to live and function in, it certainly doesn't hurt. And my work philosophy is; if I'm going to be doing something 40-60 hours a week, I might as well do it well and get the most out of it. And oddly enough, I actually love my job and find it interesting and challenging. But with the money I make, I actually spend fairly little of it... I drive a Subaru, not a BMW, I don't own a snowblower, I shovel myself, I don't own Les Paul Guitars, I own Epiphones and Mexican made Fenders, my house is not 8,000sqft and only has a 2-car garage, etc. I'm not "showwy", and I'm a "function over form" type of person. That being said, I do work quite a bit, and being in the line of work I am, my work phone is on me 24/7, and when it rings, I answer. It is much more of a lifestyle than just a "job" that I've found myself in, and that part I don't like. But the better I do now, and the more money I stash away now, the sooner i can retire or downgrade to a more peaceful working or living situation. So I agree that there is something missing that I haven't quit put my finger on yet, but I'm working on it and discovering what that is. My favorite things in life are travel, exploring, music, ready, learning, and accomplishing new things. But given our society, like I said before, traveling and things like that take a lot of time and money, but so do other things I want like having a family and providing for them, and giving them the same opportunities I have. It's a balance that I'm just now starting to work on... so it's going to take some time. Cheers,Now, do you feel how you do because you feel as if there's something more or that you haven't quite nailed it (not in the sense of contentment because you seem to have plenty) in the sense that maybe life isn't about all of promotions or nice houses?
So then why not live in a society that praises those things that you love? It's my goal that as soon as I pay off my student debts to live off the land. I want to live in a way that my only worries or concerns in life are the absolute essential things I have to worry about (i.e. what to eat, where to live, etc.) This society doesn't promote that so I'm going to get as far away from it as soon as I can. You seem to have a lot of things going your way, which is fantastic. I hope you have a very happy life (although it seems you're already experiencing that).
Certain aspects of our current society do praise those things, things like music, art, happiness, literature, etc. But we also have to live in a society with taxes, and bills, and property, and ownership rights, and of course work in exchange for currency. I like modern society and a lot of aspects about it, so I choose to live within the guidelines of if, cause it's not that bad (in my personal opinion anyway). I don't have to hunt for food, or grow crops, or build my own house, or know basic medicine to keep myself and family healthy. I get to have electricity, and plumbing, and the internet, and other modern conveniences. I can choose to do ONE job, do it well, and then I get currency that allows me to pay someone else who is good at those other things. It's a trade of services, and to me personally that makes a lot more sense than having to take care of all those other aspects myself, I simply wouldn't be able to. So that's kind of an example of how I actually feel modern society benefits us. I like having property, I like being able to do what I want, I enjoy travel, I love technology and working with and creating it, I love art and music and literature, good food, and all of those things are aspects of our modern society. "Leaving society" is much easier said than done, and I think the thoughtful ideal of it might overshadow it's negatives at first. When I was younger, in my teenage years and early twenties, I thought about giving it all up and doing the same thing. But then I'd just have other worries. Lonliness, isolation, stagnation, etc, and there would be many things I would miss not being part of the modern-society-rat-race-game-whatever-you-want-to-call-it. You'd still need land, you'd still need to work on your livestock and crops if you are planning on self sustaining, you still need money for all of that stuff, and you'll still depend on modern society for a lot of things... you'll just be further away from it physically maybe, but you won't be living outside of it. Sure, you would depend on it FAR less than say I would, but there is and will always be some dependence there. Unless you move to the middle of a jungle in some third world country, there will still be some depence there in some form. So let me ask you, what is your ideal setup for getting away from society? What do you mean when you say "get as far away from it"? I always enjoy entertaining this idea as well, and like hearing what other people plan on, because like I said I've had that same dream at points in my life too. I even have a close friend who does that as well, and lives pretty damn well "off the grid" for the most part out in Colorado, and I envy him in certain aspects, and others, I feel like his life would be too "boring" for me, lacking a better word. He's worked hard in the IT world for like 10 years, saved up enough money to start his dream of self-sustaining, and he's now doing it. He has some land, grows his own crops, has a rabit pen and chicken coop, a few cows, and ocassionally a pig or two. He makes his own milk, cheeses, and cream. He slaughters his own meat when he needs it. He has a windmill and solar panels for power, and a generator for emergencies. His home uses a wood burning furnace for heat. He takes meat and vegetables to farmers markets for sale to cover any bills he has, so that he doesn't have to dip into his savings. He hunts elk and caribou, and makes some badass jerky out of both that he sells for a pretty penny at farmers markets in Denver. He has internet, and a cell phone, and isn't living completely "off the grid", but he's pretty close to it. Close as he ever wanted to be anyway. He's got the best of both worlds if you ask me. Again, I envy his lifestyle in many ways, but it's still A LOT of work to live that way, it's just a different kind of work, and perhaps more rewarding. But personally, that kind of work doesn't appeal to me. But to each their own. Life is whatever you want to make of it, and that's the beauty. As long as you are enjoying the journey, and not holding out for a destination, everyone can easily be happy and enjoy what they have... however they choose to live. :)So then why not live in a society that praises those things that you love?
My eyebrows. That seems really stupid, because I should be able to just trim them. They're really big and thick. And I want to trim them, but my dad has them too and he's like "yay genetic heritage" when he mentions it. He's the first born; I'm the first born, his dad was the first born, and we all have it. To him, it's like a sign.
(Also, we're Chinese, so that's why that stuff matters to him). Also my weight. I do a good job of hiding it in the winter, but I'm always so self-conscious in the summer. I've been trying to exercise more recently though. I'm also really afraid that people won't/don't like me.
Kind of tied in with that, I'm afraid that I care much more about people than they do about me. Like considering someone one of your closest friends when they see you as an acquaintance or something. I mean, maybe not such a dramatic difference, but you get what I mean. The list goes on, but it's probably starting to get boring now.
The really interesting thing is that I'm apparently really good at hiding all of this. I'm at college, and I don't know what my friends here think, but my friends from high school have told me how they're jealous of my confidence and self-esteem. Except it's just that I don't really ever let these things show.
I'm afraid I'm turning into that bearded, loud guy who is always right about everything but who nobody wants to listen. I'm bearded guy who is always right about stuff already. To give some context: I'm 190 cm (6'2'') tall and I weight 107 kg (237 lbs) yet I'm not particularly fat (my waist is the narrowest part of my torso). Someone said I look like Thor. And I like to argue because I think it's a good way to learn stuff. And I have a rough sense of humor. I've noticed that people don't want to engage with me that much anymore. I'm still a student after seven years of university and it doesn't help that many of my friends are younger. I think I'm misinterpreted as angry many times just because of my style of communication. I think I learned that style from my dad. 26 years old and turning into old man. This may sound like "hehe, I'm so alfa male!!11" but I really don't see many good points. I usually don't have to be afraid on the streets at night, but that's about it. No, girls don't surround me.
That I say things others might be offended by :/ Also, my toes, chest,teeth, hair, my anxiety etc etc. the list goes on :P
I think you and I are in the same boat here in the way of offending. Do you say the offensive things not because you mean to be offensive, but because you just think it'd be something interesting to say?
Well, problaby my body. I'm part asian and part mexican. My body resembles more of an asian which makes skinny. I mean I'm happy I'm skinny but sometimes I feel ashamed of how skinny I am. I'm starting to work out a lot more lately so there's that.
Always remember that working out doesn't make you bigger, eating does. If you want to put on some weight you have to eat right and eat enough, which is so antithetical to everything in the media. Working out is what tells your body what to do with the extra food, but the food is where the muscle comes from.
Well, working out usually makes me want to eat more. When I took up an exercise that beefed me a bit, I started eating everything in sight. The result was both muscles and gaining weight. ...though when I stopped working out it all started turning into flub so...--I MEAN I'M BEAUTIFUL AND BARBIES SUCK.
That's semi common misconception among people. It's usually just a self protection mechanism against stuff you feel insecure about. If it's actually true, psychologists would be very interested on how you are able to use word "I" or "me" or actually how it's possible for you to speak at all. Are you able to tell some things you are good at or bad at? It's possible that you are not aware of yourself much and you compare yourself to other people and that's why you feel like this. PS. I don't mean to sound hateful. I just have seen a very close friend fighting with his self-esteem issues. And he was completely unable to deal with this stuff because he claimed that "I'm not even self-aware, how I could have issues with self-esteem?"
I'm self-conscious about my voice, both speaking and singing. I'm in a very good men's choir, which I auditioned to get into, but I know that's just because I'm good at following instructions and listening to and mimicking other singers. I am not at all comfortable singing solo, which is a problem because a lot of people expect me to be a good/confident solo singer since I'm in this group. Also, I have a high forehead.
I'm a bass player, so I can sort of relate to what you're saying. What I've learned is that imitation of the masters or even simply those better than I am is what makes me a better musician. Something else I've learned is that you're your own worst critic. I hate soloing, even though jazz requires that all of the time. But then I talk to others who listened and think it was great. So I doubt you have anything to doubt about yourself. Having that concern about yourself is what'll drive you to being a better musician.