This post is inspired by a post on Magic: The Gathering (which I don't play) about losing. I didn't link directly because it's not the best read, too long, and there's a lot of lingo, but I found the parts below particularly interesting and felt the need to share it.
A time ago I spent every Saturday hanging out with friends, and we would always play pool, board games and / or Super Smash Brothers Brawl. I always felt like I was less good in all games, which helped me push myself in a self-loathing attitude. I'm not good enough, I probably won't win. Nevermind me, I'm not important enough.
It was a reflection of my self confidence (which was zero) and only a couple of years ago I realised how unhealthy such an attitude is and how I am worth something. From there I've been building (and still am building) my confidence and I am quite happy with who I am today.
Still, insecurity can creep up on me when I'm dealing with failure. This piece gives that part a name (Bruce). The part of you that wants you to fail, to confirm that you're worth nothing anyway. The part that keeps yourself from winning.
- Did you ever know someone who seemed like a born loser? Someone who just couldn't catch a break no matter what they did? Someone who always found a way to end up just short of being the winner? Someone who was cursed with more"bad luck" than anyone who has ever lived?
Yeah me too. His name was Bruce.
- People sabotage their own success almost on a daily basis. What you don't believe me? Try these Bruce scenarios on for size:
Did you ever not study for an important test in high school or college and get a big fat F?
Did you ever spend too much money on crap (such as even more Magic cards) when you had bills to pay?
Did you ever stay out late and then go to work dragging ass?
Have you ever played the lottery?
- People cheat because of Bruce; because of their need to get caught. People lose at Magic and relationships and life in general because they need to; they need to affirm that they are just no damned good y'all and losing is the best way to show that to the world. Look world! I'm no good! I don't deserve success! I suck and if you stick around for a while I'll prove it beyond a shadow of a doubt!
The question I want to ask you all is: how you deal with failure? How does failing matter to you as a person? How much of your life are you in control of, and are you happy with that?
My most recent "big" failure was that I attempted to sell my Highways map. I had about ten people on niche forums ask me if I was gonna sell it, and got a lot of great feedback on the poster. But when I was done building the webshop and posted it, I got almost zero response on it. First, I took it too personally - what I made was probably shit, I don't deserve succes - but I realised that there are numerous other factors that probably led to this (e.g. people will promise to buy it but not actually buy it, might be too expensive, especially transport, only payment method is through manual transfer).
Keep this in mind: unless the opponents in the competition are clearly delineated, the competition is between past-you and future-you.
There are a lot of things I suck at. A lot of them I don't care to be good at - I will never get even vaguely good at tennis. But some of them, yeah - I want to not suck. Would you believe I picked up skateboarding? At 37?
And yes. I injured myself a lot. And I looked foolish. And I will never shred. But every time I go out, I get better. I can stop now without flinging myself into a bush. I'm a long goddamn way from bombing hills but I can go down them without dying. And I can wear Arbor swag without being a poseur.
Future-me is kicking past-me's ass.
This is more than an internal frame of reference, too. Your friends that can absolutely clobber you at everything? That gives them an opportunity to teach - which means you have an opportunity to learn. When you demonstrate that you are teachable, that permits them to observe that they're good teachers. Win-win all around.
You also need to keep in mind that almost-succeeding at something you had a slim chance at will always impress more than beating handily that which was easily within your power. There is such a thing as an impressive failure, and we will always read the book that strived for greatness but didn't quite hit it over the book that is solidly, predictably in the comfort zone of the author.
As humans, we respect the reach. We strive to be better. We test ourselves and we struggle. Without the struggle there is no growth, and without growth we die.
RE: the maps - you have to winnow it down in order to see what your market is. Let's start with
A) All people
B) the subset of "all people" who like maps
C) the subset of "people who like maps" who like very specific maps
D) the subset of "people who like very specific maps" who like very specific maps of Holland
E) the subset of "people who like very specific maps of Holland" who are willing to drop $40 on one
F) the subset of "people willing to drop $40 on a very specific map of Holland" who are even aware of such a thing
Your failure is the amount of time and money you sunk into it that was not directly related to your enjoyment of the process divided by the learning experience.
And I'll bet that number is tiny.
(and of seriously messed-up units)
Eventually I did figure out that I could learn a lot from them. It took a long-ass time but I got to a point where I was half-decent in SSBB and cleared the pool table on my own. I'm often too impatient with skills that develop over time.
- ...we will always read the book that strived for greatness but didn't quite hit it over the book that is solidly, predictably in the comfort zone of the author.
Make no little plans; they have no magic to stir men's blood. -Daniel H. Burman. I find people with ambition and a visionary mindset always interesting. Part of what I want to get out of my university degree is a better sense of what my ambitions are and can be.
- Your failure is the amount of time and money you sunk into it that was not directly related to your enjoyment of the process divided by the learning experience.
I started the map with the intent to learn, not to make money - and even though I put a lot of hours in, I've greatly improved my Adobe Illustrator and Wordpress skills. I'm proud of the end result, it's just a bummer that selling didn't work out. It's a cool idea to have something you made be put on someone else's wall.
Also, that book seems really interesting, especially because he's a designer more than a programmer. Here's the first part for those interested.
- how you deal with failure?
There's no room for shame in life. Guilt, sure but shame nope. What I mean is that if I fail at something, I try not to allow it to define me. I try not to allow myself to self-shame.
Shame: I'm such a failure
Guilt: I made some poor choices that led to me failing.
Shame will diminish you forever if you let it. Guilt you can learn from and move on. It can make you stronger even. There's a big difference.
- How much of your life are you in control of, and are you happy with that?
Now, let's say for easy comparison that we are only "in control" of 10% of our lives, I'd say that some people do a better job managing that 10% than others. Too many people focus on the stuff that is out of their control.
Make a list, daily of the things within your control that you'd like to accomplish. Check things off the list. = a happy person.
I wish I could form a coherent response to this right now, because I think it's important, but I took a hubski/coffee/rest my hands break from an ethics paper and cannot for the life of me organize one. I'll come back later though and fill this in.
For now, I'll say that I distinguish sharply between personal failure, and failure in the eyes of others.
This is gonna sound disgusting, but right now, I want to fail. I'm in high school, if I don't learn a few good lessons now, what's gonna happen in 5 years? T he stakes will get higher, and I'll really be a loser. I don't think losing makes you a loser. I think allowing yourself to submit, allowing yourself to subordinate in fromt of a challenge or an opponent, that's a real loser.
Failing is invaluable to me, especially because its so damn taboo. It's 100% vital! Now that you know people won't buy your highway maps (which, by the way, awesome work), you have to come up with something else! There's an argument to be made about the lack of second chances in life, but that says nothing about the abundance of opportunity, everywhere, for which failure only forces you to search for. Good luck man, keep making shit.
There are two great ways to learn:
1.) learn from your own failures
2.) learn from the failures of others.
While I of course admit that nothing makes you know yourself better than a good failure, there is also a great amount to be learned from truly observing other people when they fail. How it happened, how they reacted, what they did about it. You can learn how NOT to do something. It's why sometimes assholes, pushovers, and shitty people are great role models - role models for who NOT to be, and for how NOT to act.
If you can't generate failure on your own (don't worry, that shoe will drop eventually, as it does for everyone), then look to the failures of others. It will never show you how you WILL be when you fail, but it can give you insight on how to best handle that situation.
- While I of course admit that nothing makes you know yourself better than a good failure, there is also a great amount to be learned from truly observing other people when they fail. How it happened, how they reacted, what they did about it. You can learn how NOT to do something. It's why sometimes assholes, pushovers, and shitty people are great role models - role models for who NOT to be, and for how NOT to act.
Of course, of course. The reason I didn't point that out is because that's all I do already. With school and my parents and everything, I'm super duper happy and grateful that there's all this structure and curriculum for me to follow and go through, to learn and develop in a safe way! but at this point I'm starving for some experience of my own. This comment from ages ago comes to mind. It's freakin' true. What's the point of sneaking out of the house and getting caught-- which let's be honest is half the experience when you're looking back-- when my mom can just track me down with Find My iPhone? Come on man.
then go make some experience, pablo. Go fail some shit. Can you run 3 miles? go try. Can you recite Walt Whitman's "Song of Myself" in its entirety? Speak it now.
I only know you from your presence here, where you leave thought-provoking questions, and thoughtful comments. You're a smart guy with a good head on your shoulders. However, I feel as though, whether you admit it or not, the experiences you are looking for are happening right in front of you and you need to grasp them. If you are dissatisfied with your life experience, then you need to change it. It's obvious that rebellion is going to be difficult in the iPhone GPS era of life, but it IS possible if you decide to do it. Not that "rebellion" per se is even necessary. go join a school club of something you SUCK at. apply to things you KNOW you won't get into. What is the worst that can Happen
"I celebrate myself, and sing myself,
And what I assume you shall assume,
For every atom belonging to me as good belongs to you.
I loafe and invite my soul,
I lean and loafe at my ease observing a spear of summer grass. My tongue, every atom of my blood, form'd from this soil, this air,
Born here of parents born here from parents the same, and their
parents the same,
I, now thirty-seven years old in perfect health begin,
Hoping to cease not till death. Creeds and schools in abeyance,
Retiring back a while sufficed at what they are, but never forgotten,
I harbor for good or bad, I permit to speak at every hazard,
Nature without check with original energy. "Who says I wanted to study at 8pm on a Saturday?? :D
There are different "kinds" or levels of failure in my life (as I'm sure there are in everyone's life). When I fail to get a job, or fail to get a good mark on a paper, or what have you, I look inward, but it is not malicious. Generally, when I am failing other people I can look at the situation objectively and grow from it. That has come from years of counselling for dealing with depression, as well as from the good example of my parent.s
However, when I fail myself, I am still unable to achieve a positive level of self-examination. When I am unprepared for a performance, when I have a bad lesson with my teacher, when I am failing at a piece of music, even when, in my part time job as a dishwasher I feel as if I am not keeping up as well as I would like (my manager is satisfied). These are the times when I get the stabbing feeling my chest, the feeling that I've ruined everything, that everyone will see me for the imposter I am (though I don't feel like I'm good enough to truly qualify for imposter syndrome), or will see how bad of a dishwasher I am.
So how do I deal with that failure? mostly pizza and youtube. I don't really have positive strategy yet.