Various emotions come to our consciousness as we float through our days. Sometimes we're acutely aware of our feelings. Sometimes we're not aware of our feelings until someone says, "You seem worried. What's up?"
Think of an emotion that hit you in the last day or two. What might have sparked that emotion? Write a single sentence about the emotion. Click the title for a list of emotions.
Together we might perhaps see the current emotional landscape of the hubskiverse.
I'll start.
I'm gotta cheat and do two: I felt happy when I finally read your postcard, but also sad that I didn't get your other one. :( My friend got me a copy of Fantasy Life and I was elated to find out that I could make a Black character. A Black character! In a Japanese game. SO HAPPY.
Yesterday I took a pseudo-postcard bar coaster from the stack at the bar, wrote in a little letter, and put it back for the next patron to find. For those curious, the man writing the letter was named James. He was trapped in the snow in a mountain pass and writing his mother. He hoped she would send supplies soon. His best dog had just died, and he feared that, for their survival, he and the rest of his team would have to do - the unnamed worst.
On my walk to the library this morning I noticed a group of three magpies searching through the pine needles and pinecones beneath a tree, chirping to eachother and digging through the detritus with flicking movements of their beaks; a small chipmunk watched from a nearby branch and chirped to himself contemplatively, finally deciding to chase the magpies away (only to have them fly away, do a lap of the tree, and land on the other side of the trunk in their continued search for food). I stood and watched for several minutes, completely absorbed by the display, without thinking about myself or my life or my problems. I felt very content.
Love; ithink it was "Maron" that brought up the stages of love with one of them being discontent or being disenfranchised with the relationship, wondering if there is something better. That phase is followed by commitment according to that paradigm and I find myself feeling intensely about the person I've been seeing. It's an absolutely wonderful sensation.
Annoyance/boredom ; with the friends I kick it with, a few are wonderful and I will always enjoy but some exemplify "when keeping it real goes wrong"(to phrase it in the silliest way possible). Had a night tonight separate from my partner and just watched the superficial drama escalate(watched two friends get in an a aggressive argument about who was a more dedicated skateboarder..... Who give a fuck). Before it was tolerable, even if I recognized the ridiculousness of the conflict between friends. Now having someone to hang with who seems as detached as I am (just friend who seem to subsist on conflict and really have no drive to aim beyond their insecurity ) it's become almost intolerable.
I'm sure it sounds simple and it is. It's just stupid drama between friends and associates. Not really anything I participate in but the people I know have introduced me to new experiences and changed my perspective in ways so in that way I can't help but be affectionate.
I love them in a family sense, we even all call each other by names; uncle Ashley, father grace, young Kyle I.e.;but having someone who is also detached from it I don't think I can participate anymore. I figure it sounds like the kind of people I should have passed on when I met them to most readers on the site but the way I've been shaped by friends and the things they've exposed me to has allowed me to understand a lot of things I wouldn't have growing up lower middle class in the suburbs ; from how tight knit some lower income communities are to the fact that every downtown music scene is basically the same in every city, just on different scales, how a fucked up childhood can create a motivated individual or someone is motivated but not at all enteraining the idea of doing anything that isn't exactly what the want. At least,maybe, I say that so it doesn't feel like a waste of time,wasting time like I have. I feel I genuinely bond with most people I meet in real life and I know that's a product of my experience with the people I know.
That whole rant leads back to love though. It's been nice to kick it with the person I have been. She doesn't "push" me but I feel so stable as a person being with her I have no option but to be productive because everything else feels empty, it did before to some extent but I have a base or solid point now to expand from.
Tl;dr I've been lampworking, reading, flossing and spinning poi. Fake edit: drunkish post excuse improper grammar.
Real edit: I'm a rambling man, tried to clear up the post but it feels pretty murky still.
I feel centered. I feel content. I feel like I figured it out, whatever "it" is. I have never felt this good before. I was shoveling snow earlier today and thinking. I was not thinking about one thing, but just thinking. I think I need to shovel more snow, or maybe learn how to keep thinking that way. Don't lose the thread.
I'm trying to write out how I feel so I can do it again. I feel so good. It sounds odd, even to me, but it feels like this is something different than happiness. I just feel so calm. Do you get the feeling where you wake in the night, then roll over and go to sleep? The edge of unconsciousness sort of feeling? It is like that, but it keeps going.
Empathetic Fear: Someone very close to me was intensely worried about my safety driving home this morning, so worried in fact that I became a bit afraid, not because of something happening to me, but what would happen to them if something happened to me. There is a longer, better way to say this but I'm sticking with the spirit of the post. In general, since beginning regular mindfulness practice I have become incrementally more aware of how I am feeling on a more short term basis than the normal 'How are you? ... Good.' that permeates day-to-day interaction. It allows me to find an answer to this kind of question with the same ease as glancing over a written page, compared to the snipe hunt it sometimes was before. Emotional intelligence is something that requires my active attention and practice, and it begins with self-awareness.
Annoyance: With feeling disconnected from some of my friends, who always seem to be doing things together here or elsewhere without me being involved in the plans. It also comes from wanting to go out and do things but many of them not wanting to, which has resulted in growing closer to some other people that live downtown and resulted in... Happy: Last night was great, I went out with a few friends and ran into a lot more including one whom I haven't seen in a long time, and wasn't expecting to see. Now I might be seeing that person again in June for a big concert near where I live. Between walking from bar to bar and spending the night talking to some good people, it was a happy time except I was and am... Aware/Worried: Moving and starting fresh is only 5 months away at this point, and I love many of my friends here and a lot of the places to go and see. It's going to be great eventually, I don't doubt that, but I'm not quite ready to leave all of this behind. Many other emotions have been felt too.
Disassociated.. in a good way. 1.5 hour bus ride back home from my music school in NYC, sat with an empty seat beside me, listening to a vinyl rip of Abraxas on my phone.. just kinda sitting there, floating. Complacent?
Awed - I watched the Cleveland Orchestra play Tchaikovsky's 5th symphony. The awe was most prevalent in the 2nd movement, which is gorgeous. If you've never heard it, let me tell you: Swan Lake ain't got nothin on this shit. Whole piece: Just the 2nd mvt:
After a really lousy couple of months, I'm feeling rather content. It may not last forever but it never does and I find beauty in that. I'm content in the now and it feels good.
I felt happy cycling today. EDIT also felt move, touched, and amazed when I read the card thenewgreen send me. Also challenged to write something back equally interesting... I have also been feeling really pleased at the postcard exchanges so far and want to write _refugee_ something poetic and consoling.
Anger at my inability to make myself heard without hurting others. My wife and I have been angry and not to air our dirty laundry but there have been lots of discussion about each others needs and we can't seem to align. Talking in circles. Its very frustrating for both of us.