Recently, I've had a small but surprisingly stingy incident here on Hubski: what was intended as a comment meaningless beyond what it stated was recepted as a dire offence. If Hubski is as small a town as I was lead to believe it is, you'll know the exact comment I'm talking about without looking at the linked pages.
My reply to the angry comment of kleinbl00's - which was rightfully described as childish behavior - got me thinking very hard. Indeed, instead of launching into a reasonable argument I acted upon the will of my ego and attacked the person whom I perceived as the attacker on my self at the time. It was most irresponsible and arrogant of me, as I realized with time: to submit to my darker side and stand greedy for admiration and respect where there couldn't possibly be had one.
I've been lying to myself for years about how great I must be because others didn't notice me: I would tell myself afterwards that I wouldn't need their approval anyway because I'm too clever, or too good of a writer, or too knowledgeable about human behavior and so on anyway. It seemed fine to my at the time because I had no other perspective; I'm still questioning whether it is responsible of me to put blame onto the situation and none onto the person I was for not choosing to go a different path - after all, I, being a human, had free will.
However, the truth was - and still is - that I'm terrified, scared shitless of others' disapproval and nonacceptance. It is clear to me now that I don't have any friends not because I'm so grand and marvellous, but because everytime I think of meeting someone new, the inside of me reaches for its defence blanket and fountains reasons for not to do that because it may - may - lead to someone thinking funny of me. Ridiculous! I came to crave attention so hardly that, when I received none, I reinforced the false version of reality in my head where I'm a fantastic person who's capable of achieving everything. I used to fantasize about being in those different situations where I'm the best or the worst I can be - both of which I never dared to reach to be before - and act upon almost supernatural circumstances where I'd be able to show myself to be a hero, or a monster, or a moral-less badass.
It sounds so ludicrious when you say it out loud, yet it made perfect sense to me: of course I would fantasize! What else there is to do? I want to be something more - and there's no other way to achieve it, right? I led myself away from the answer for so long and with so much effort that I almost forgot of the person I am: a scared, selfish kid in the body of a man who can't for the life of his do anything good if it means talking to somebody or even walking into someone's field of attention. By acting upon the douchebag fantasy of myself I hid the simple fact: that I don't have the love I want, and I want it hard.
Bill Hicks famously said: "[It's] a simple choice <..> between fear and love. The eyes of fear want you to put bigger locks on your doors, buy guns, close yourself off. The eyes of love instead see all of us as one". I've been wondering about these words for months ever since I heard them: they made sense to me, for I've always striven to be a better person, to give love I was never given - and yet, I never applied them to myself because they didn't make sense to the ego that got so fat off the fears I acted upon that I couldn't possibly move from under it by myself. Gladfully, I've met a person online that had inspired me in a few minutes to be what I always wanted to be.
Granted, Markiplier will probably never know me, but I'm glad I came to know him through his videos, for he's one of the kindest and most sincere people I've seen in my life. The way he speaks to his subscribers is of utmost respect and friendliness, something I've never encountered; what moved me the most was when I've learned through TV Tropes that Mark is a pacifist, describing himself not fighting back when he had all reasons to as it not being a person he wanted to be. It struck a chord somewhere inside: he didn't fight - something I've been fantasizing about a lot - because he wanted to be better than it.
It's hard to express what I feel because I've never had a chance to do so properly, but I will do my best. I find such an example of outstanding humanity to be amazing in the most emotional sense of the word. His living ethics are of the highest standard, and because of it, he was a great inspiration to my own personal growth; following the Marianne Williamson's quote, by shining himself he let me shine as well, and I'm most grateful for it. If I could ever have a chance to thank Mark in person, I would do so eagerly, for I find it to be the most sincere and fullsome form of gratitude, and it would be the least I can do for him in return.
Thanks both to Markiplier and coffeesp00ns, both online persons whom I will most likely never meet in reality, I now adhere to Love the way Bill Hicks saw it. I shall not bow to Fear, and when I am afraid, I will remember that Love, that the long-term good that I do for myself and others (for I must love myself as I do others, not loathe myself while putting others on pedestal), is more important to me. It is an amazing transformation of mind, and I'm eternally grateful to both of the persons who caused it because the inspiration and the result of it means a lot to me.
* * *
I also feel the need to address the issue with kleinbl00, who caused the series of events in the first place. While I'm grateful for the events that led me to this beautiful place of mind, I find it more important to express what I find about the Internet person whom quite a few seem to adore and respect.
So far, kleinbl00 failed to provide reason and wisdom that are worth respecting. So far, from them I've seen only selfish anger and confidence bordering on arrogance in the field that they are told to be very skilled it and recognized for it. I've seen failure to provide properly addressed and supported arguments any discussion deserves; in their stead, I saw the puffed chest of an offended person.
It is not to say that I've been impecable in the overly mentioned discussion, either - the fact that I've already acknowledged. However, it is from Love that I will not bow to whom is supposed to be a professional, for I will not tolerate arrogance and ignorance, the two pillars of any violence, of any conflict and of any war. "That which can be destroyed by the truth should be", said P. C. Hodgell, and I believe in the principle wholeheartedly. I also do not believe in credit of authority when it concerns non-life-threatening matters: one has to deserve my respect before being given it, for I am as important to consider as anybody, no better and no worse.
I offer no apology for what I said to kleinbl00 as a reply to his angry answer, for the message of it still holds true, even though today I would phrase it differently; I will offer radical opinions if I consider them necessary for a better living of anybody unless it requires an expense of someone else, no matter what others think of me. This, too, I shall do from Love, for many are too shy or too scared to talk about some things; I shall not be, and I shall be hated for what I say, and I shall wear the hatred with pride, for it has replaced ignorance with knowledge.
So, to the small town of Hubski I declare: no one will swear and hiss me into submission, no matter how big their head, especially when I'm expressing something I hold dear and believe in to the deepest of my soul. If you want my respect, you shall do better than that, accompanied with reason and the credit of respect that every human being deserves simply for being alive.
* * *
EDIT: P.S. Many of the commenters have pointed out the self-centered vanity with which I derogate kleinbl00. They have all been correct: I've been overcome with pride and wanted to defend my ego from harm, as if there was any, and it let to disrespect and arrogance which I preached against in the same post.
I've offered kleinbl00 a private message of apology, though I will perfectly understand if it won't be accepted, for I've done things to deserve disrespect on the matter. I used their image to stand up for myself, which is very disrespectful of me, and it is not a person I want to be.
I'm glad I did stand up, for it gave me the momentum I needed to kickstart the mental transformation, but I've made a mistake of assuming the invulnerability of those beyond the screen, on the other side of the Internet; I forgot that there are living people - the people like myself, with feelings and minds of their own - beyond the nicknames.
Moreover, I used the declaration of such rightful things as lack of tolerance for ignorance and arrogance to hide behind, to shield my ego from humiliation that accepting a mistake will inevitably lead to. I'm not proud of it - in fact, I am ashamed of doing such a thing, of compromising not only my beliefs, but a high principle of living that I accept for such a silly and pointless action.
Clearly, I've made mistakes, and I have to accept that. Living in a bubble hasn't done me any good, so as I stand up and stand proud, I stand near what I've done, good or bad.
Thank you for the support and for pointing out my own ignorance and arrogance.