Married people of Hubski, did you ask the father or mother in law for permission? If so, how did it go? Were you scared? If you are unwed, do you someday plan to ask? Did your spouse ask your family for permission? Do you think this tradition is out-dated or does it have a place in this day and age?
kleinbl00, cgod, mk, briandmyers, AlderaanDuran, JakobVirgil, cW, forwardslash, wasoxygen, steve -known married fellas.
As for me, I did ask my extremely religious father in law for permission. I was terrified. He sat me down for a good hour asking me all about my intentions for providing for her. What my goals were career wise and what role God would play in my marriage and if I wanted a family. Eventually my mother in law came in and said, "David, leave the poor boy alone and give him your blessing" at which point he ceased being serious and laughed, extended his hand and said, "welcome to the family." We hugged and we were both tearing up.
It was a right of passage that I felt I had to go through and it wasn't until becoming a father myself that I realized how important it is to allow the parents of your spouse to feel they have a say in this decision. Everyone involved knows that really this is going to go down no matter what, but it gives the parents a seat at the table.
I'm glad that I did it. I hope that someday whoever is lucky enough to win my daughters heart takes the same step.
I haven't been in that situation in my life yet, but here's how I think I would handle it (hypothetically, or course). It seems to me that there's a fine line to walk between being traditional and being misogynistic. Asking permission may be a bit of the latter, even if it is a formality. In some way, it feels like two boys deciding the fate of a helpless girl, and I don't think I'm OK with that. However, informing her father of your intent and asking for his assent seems reasonable to me. I think that way, you can respect the tradition, while at the same time not acting like there's any power sharing arrangement between men. She is a person who gets to make up her own mind, and her opinion is the one that matters. Respecting traditions can sometimes be seen in very negative ways, given the history of the dispossessed. For example, go down south and ask the nearest back guy what he thinks of the red neck who is respecting the tradition of flying the Rebel colors on his truck. It's an extreme analogy, to be sure, but certainly women have had a long history of possession by men, as well. All that said, I still think there is value in having a man-to-man with a woman's father, perhaps if nothing else than to let him know that you love his daughter, and you will treat her with respect, humanity and dignity and everything else that she deserves. It's a fine line.
You gotta be careful, though. It really depends on the mix of the people involved. No matter how you slice it, Daddy knows Baby is getting proposed to before Baby does. How does that sit with Baby?
FWIW, "engagement rings" are a 100-year-old invention created by DeBeers as a convenient way of monetizing the decline of the "bride price."
Exactly. I have always had negative thoughts on this concept. Yes, I want my dad to be okay with who I marry if I do so, but at the same time, assuming I've bought into the relationship enough to want to get married (and a man would be an idiot to propose to a woman not knowing if she wanted to get married, and hopefully, to them), if my dad says no, ain't gonna matter. And that has always been my go-to argument: OK, so you're asking "permission." What happens when Daddy says no ? Now that I think about it, I was engaged once. I don't think the guy asked my dad but I think it was also due to, well, my vehement disagreement with this topic.How does that sit with Baby?
That's what I wanted to post basically. I'm still engaged and not married yet, but I did ask her father. She knew how I felt about it and that I'm not going to "ask someone for the permission to marry you". But prior to my proposal she told me, that whenever I'll do it, it would help her a lot if I did it before proposing. Her parents are somewhat traditional and with us being a transatlantic couple, my proposal would've meant that she moved from the US to Europe. She was terrified of telling her parents herself, fearing that they may not be amused about my proposal. But I let her know, that I will propose to her, no matter what the parent's reaction will be. I once read a very, very accurate and good quote (I think it was by a user of reddit) in case the parents react negatively: "I'm asking you to join our family, I'm not asking for permission to join yours." That perfectly summed it up how I felt, and if he would've reacted negatively, that's what I would've told him. So in the end I did it for her, to make it easier in case her parents would have a negative reaction which could've been very hard for her to handle. But no matter what they would've told me, I wouldn't have changed my plans. That said, going to be married next year and still very, very happy about my parents in-law :)
I think it really depends on the woman, her relationship with her parents, any religious considerations, age, etc. In TNG's case, it was obviously the right choice. If I were to get married today, it would probably be a good idea for the guy to ask my parents. That way they can say, "You are fucking insane - you do not actually want to marry our feisty, young-as-fuck daughter right now. Give it some time you maniac." :P I don't have plans to marry anytime soon but I really don't see someone asking my dad/parents (they really are a singular unit) permission in 10 years. For one, I don't know if my parents will be around in 10 years. I also don't see my parents and I having an ultra-close relationship in the future. Our relationship has gotten better since high school but we still aren't close enough to talk about personal things like that and the conversations are usually fairly one sided: they tell me things, I consider them. I already get enough long-winded advise about about my life and my money and my career. I don't think I want to add love to that list. I know my parents will always be a part of my life but I prefer to keep my relationships and my parents as separate as possible. I realize that I'm far more independent and stubborn than some women and like to do things my way and find my own way in life. My dad would never expect a guy to ask his permission for that exact reason, although he would probably appreciate and respect the guy a bit more if he did. My dad would never say no though. Just, "Are you sure you?"
I'll agree that the phrasing "ask for his permission" makes it feel like an exchange of goods when, in my case, it was more of me asking that he be happy about the prospect of us getting married. If the father in law sees his daughter as something to "own" then he's not worth speaking to period. If the groom to be feels his wife to be is property to be acquired then I feel for that poor woman. -she ought to run. Speaking to the father in law prior to you getting married is not a bad idea though, if all involved are rational and compassionate people. As a father myself, I would take great comfort in a young man asking for my "blessing" and letting me know what his intentions were in regards to how to plan and provide for his family. Could be that I have advice worth hearing. Could be a great way to get a father/son relationship started.
The tradition is clearly rooted in a time when women weren't allowed to decide things like who they should marry for themselves. It's just a bit of quaint old sexism. I can see your point but I really think the practice is rooted in some less than proud old traditions.
If you asked me, "Did you ask your boyfriend's mother if you could marry her son?" I'd say no. I would hope that in the case of husband 1, she would sit me down and say, "That's not a very good idea. He's very unstable. Have fun with him, but don't marry him."
I have a very religious brother who is arranging marriages for his 12 kids. The first five are married off and so far, all the marriages seem to be going well. Here's how it worked: 1. My brother and his wife tell the matchmakers for his sect that he has a 19 or 20 or 21 year old child ready for marriage. 2. Potential mates are found. First both sets of parents meet one another. Mothers and fathers participate equally. If the parents get along, then each set of parents meet the potential spouse of their kid and think about whether their son or daughter will get along with him or her. 3. If the parents then want to go further, they introduce the kids to each other. I believe that they are allowed to meet privately away from a chaperone and talk. That is usually enough. If they like each other after a couple of hours, the announcement is made. If they don't like each other, they move on. No one is forced to like the other person, but usually they do. In most cases, this is the first time they've talked privately with a member of the opposite sex that is not a relative. The match has been carefully screened by a lot of people heavily invested in this being a good match. I said to my brother - they only meet once before deciding? He said, "Sometimes twice. Why would you need more?" Anyway, he's five for five so far and 7 or 8 new babies have been born so far. They live in Jerusalem so I'm not that up-to-date. Maybe I should be. My point is this: In that culture, the boy does not ask the father-in-law permission to marry his daughter. The parents set the whole thing up. The boy and girl have to equally agree though.
In any event, it's a good idea to grow close to in-laws if they are nice people.
I did not. Although my father in law doesn't speak English, so I my wife would have had to translate anyway. I did make a point to meet her parents once before asking, but as they lived 11 hours from Beijing, there was only one visit. Had the situation been different, I still don't think I would have. I am very big on understanding the people my wife loves, and having a meaningful relationship with them, but I don't like the idea in general. That said, if it were a big deal culturally to my wife and her family, I would go through the motions for their sake. I'm not stubbornly idealistic when it's only for my sensibilities.
FUCK THAT. My in-laws didn't see why I needed to be at "their" Christmas with "their" daughter the first year, despite the fact that we'd been dating for eight months, despite the fact that they lived walking distance from my wife's house. Every step of the way I've had to let them know that I make my own decisions, so does my wife, and that we're not going to be walked on. Yeah, if you get along and think it'll flatter 'em, what does it hurt? But there's a world of difference between doing that and actually giving a shit what they say.
I might argue that if your GF's parents don't show you any respect it's even better to ask the father in law. At least you will forever know that you were the bigger person in the relationship and that you gave them a chance to "have a seat at the table." How is your relationship with them now that it's been a while and you gave them a granddaughter?But there's a world of difference between doing that and actually giving a shit what they say.
Agreed, that's why I put this in there: Everyone involved knows that really this is going to go down no matter what, but it gives the parents a seat at the table.
-Unless the parents are complete morons, they know it's a formality and that their daughter is getting married one way or the other. It can be a nice place for both the son in law and father in law to state what is and is not important to them. Religion wasn't very important to me and I let him know that while I was "spiritual" I wasn't "religious" and wasn't going to be.
Once they learned who I was it settled down nicely. However, they needed to be broken of the notion that I'm a pushover that does whatever they want and forces my wife to do said-same. Where things go to shit is the passive-aggressive nature of her mom. I got chewed out six months ago for an off-handed remark I made in 2010. To someone else. But she's been sitting there stewing, waiting to chew me out for it for three years. That kinda shit happens regularly. Over Thanksgiving I caught grief for buying brining mix from Trader Joe's. Why? Because I had told my mother-in-law two years previously that she didn't need to bring brining mix to Thanksgiving. Why did I say that? Because she packs too much crap. What didn't I know? She'd bought a package of brining mix from Cost Plus and was about to throw it in her luggage, and it has now been sitting on the kitchen counter for two years. So there I am, getting my ass bitten off in my own kitchen, while cooking my own 24-lb heritage breed turkey, which they're eating, because my mother-in-law won't toss or give away $4 worth of salt she bought on a lark in 2011. This is why I don't ask their permission.
I did not ask my wife's parents for permission, but in my situation it would have been weird. When I met my wife-to-be, she was twice divorced, 2 kids, and 10 years my senior (I was 24). My folks were quite stunned, for a while, but they got over it quickly.
Also, consider this - why is it not expected, that my wife should ask permission to marry me? It's something I almost didn't even think of, so ingrained is the 'female-as-the-property' idea in our culture, still.
Nope. Unfortunately my wife lost both of her parents by the time she was 23, her dad died when she was like 16. Her brother is the only close family she really has. I did call him before I proposed, but I didn't ask, I told. I just said I thought he should know I'm going to propose to his sister in the coming weeks. He appreciated it.
My wife doesn't talk to her father much, and would have been tremendously offended if I'd asked him for permission to marry her. Then again, she's independent to the point of obstinacy sometimes. I did once ask my now mother-in-law about a trip that I was planning, but this was quite early in the relationship. On the other hand, the question is entirely moot because my wife asked me to marry her. And I'm not sure she asked my father's permission, or my mother's for that matter. :)
With my first wife we met a college her parents lived about 10 hours away. We were already engaged before I met her family I don't think I would have asked her If I had. They were a large clan of unpleasant and casually abusive people, I assume they still are . We ended up living by them it lasted 13 years ,I tend to procrastinate. My current wife is an Orphan strangely enough this time I asked. I asked her aunt who cried and said yes. They are native I don't know if that is why I was more formal or if I have become a softy in my old age.