We had an argument after I returned from an amazing weekend in Detroit with the Hubski crew. He told me that I was a loser who's only friends were fake friends on a pointless internet site and I would never make anything of my life. If you don't understand the internet and you don't understand Hubski - there's the door. Don't let it hit you on the way out. It was pretty much over before then but it took that final word.
When I didn't feel like myself anymore.Chime in, hubskiverse, what made you know it was over?
Maybe this is just me, but in any relationship I have- especially a relationship- I enter in hopes that it changes me somehow. I want my relationship to be a dynamic in my life, shake things up a little, and I don't mean be dramatic and loud. I mean I want it to matter, and for it to matter for me something needs to happen out of the ordinary, for better or worse.
Of course, when you start lying to yourself, about yourself, and you don't feel comfortable who you've become because you feel its the wrong person to be, then show yourself out. All I'm saying is don't pass up on something great because its testing your vulnerability.
With the most recent girl, I discovered that I didn't want to assimilate into her culture and when she told me she would wait for me to change my mind, I thought that she could be doing better things with her time than waiting around for a guy intent on changing his life. Another one started dropping hints that she wanted to get married by not so subtly going out to look at wedding dresses and when I tried to imagine the rest of my life with her, I couldn't. Another one wanted our relationship to be based solely on one kind of sex that I think is pretty hot, but it was like eating your favorite food every day and then realizing that it's best as a treat. Another one didn't see why I'd be upset if she went after my friend, provided she set me up with another (admittedly gorgeous) girl.
I'm pretty sure that I get what you're saying (and, based on her comment below, I think _refugee_ does, too!), and I can definitely see your point. Forbidden fruit starts to taste pretty bad when it's force fed to you.Another one wanted our relationship to be based solely on one kind of sex that I think is pretty hot, but it was like eating your favorite food every day and then realizing that it's best as a treat.
Oh haha. I thought you were ick-ing the line I quoted. Yeah I guess the line you quoted is way grosser. I once had a girlfriend whom I lived with in my early twenties. I never really wanted to live with her, but circumstance kind of forced me into it for a time. I was thinking about dumping her, then one day I came home and there were a couple bridal magazines on the coffee table. I got the fuck out in short order.
I moved into her place, actually. Here's how it went: we had been dating a couple years, and I was living at my mom's house during a period between roommates. Then, my grandpa got kicked out of like his third nursing home. So, gramps had no place to go while they searched for a new place. So, I lost my room briefly, and I decided I would stay at my gf's place for a couple weeks as opposed to sleeping on the couch. Then, a couple weeks went by, grandpa was moved to a new home, but somehow, moving out became a lot harder. She really pressured me to stay, and I ended up getting used to it, got complacent, then a year went by like nothing. Finally, I woke up from that bad dream and hightailed it. In the end, the wedding mags were a good thing, because they became a catalyst for me to get on with my life.
That is a good thing. Sometimes I think back on past relationships and I wonder if I got more out of them than the girls I was in them with, in that when they've finished I usually have learned something about myself and how I think about the world. Ladies, come to me! I wish to learn more about myself by studying our seemingly inevitable mutual misery and heartache!
I'm smart enough to know when something's not working. I'm just not strong enough to admit when there's nothing more I can do about it. I was the always one walking away with a farewell until my last girlfriend, who I wanted to give everything to, experience everything with, and create purpose in our world. I couldn't convince her it wasn't pointless because we were so far away, and I didn't have anything to show for it but promises. I hoped falsely she would understand our potential and be patient enough for us to see each other again, because distance seemed so superficial. Unfortunately, it was a wall big enough for her to walk away from. It didn't stop me from trying to shout over that wall for like 2 months before she had to turn around and tell me she was done for good. It sucked to hear, but it hurt a lot more to understand.
Relationships are so strange. So fucking strange. It was over for me when I realized I didn't want to change - really, I couldn't change - to make her happy. It was making me unhappy, and no one can live like that. Through the breakup it was really hard to feel things. We'd been together a while and cared about each other, but I think in order to follow through I think I had to separate myself from what she was feeling. Unfortunately, that stuff is the kind of thoughts that play through your mind at night, in the shower, on long car rides, yardwork, class, all the time. So although I realized the relationship was over more than half a year ago, I'm also realizing every day. Which is shitty.
My last relationship mutually ended when I found out I was going to spend a year in the midwest. It ended on this beautiful high note. The relationship was over not because we discovered something unbearable in the other and it was time to move on, or because there was greener grass to be found in someone else. It ended because we're young and uncommitted, as beautiful and fulfilling as we find each other to be, and I had to move from the east coast to a hole in Iowa for my job, a field team leader for Americorps. My previous relationships were more utilitarian than I'd probably admit while in the thick of them. A lot of relationships are. I know I've loved before and meant it in my highest, individualized capacity, but after the smoke clears, as it has since being single for a while, I feel that I'm capable of even higher feelings. Kleinbl00 somewhere said you shouldn't be in a relationship to fill a hole in yourself, you must first be so full of whoever you are that you're spilling over the brim and have loads to share, so that giving is easy yet you find that it activates this other person in a profound way. edit: Oh, and you asked as to how that particular relationship with Terry Bisson's niece (I know I said Terry Bisson was her grand uncle, he was actually just her uncle) ended: Terry Bisson's sister, my ex's mom, is angelic in her gratitude and love and skill with the French horn. Her daughter didn't seem to very much appreciate it, or appreciate much when I think about it. A fundamental lack of empathy. It had to end because I couldn't be around her anymore.
In my last long-term relationship (over two years ago at this point) it was when I started going to therapy (for like the fifth but final time). I realized that I had some problems I needed to deal with and I also realized that the relationship at the time had been established for about a year, maybe more...and had been enabling some of the harmful behaviors that I was going to therapy to stop. I knew by the time I got out of therapy I'd be a different person (or at least hopefully). And I knew that even if I could stop doing the harmful things I was doing, at that point I would not want to be with someone who had previously enabled and even at times encouraged me to do these harmful things. I knew I needed to stop smoking 1/8 of mj every 3 days (to myself). I knew I couldn't be dating someone who smoked about that much if I wanted to quit. I started therapy. I moved out to my own place after 3-4 months. We broke up about a month after I moved out. But we kept hanging out for a very long time, our interactions gradually tapering off as I developed friends and renewed friendships and so on. As I regained independence and began to prove to myself who I was. Now we haven't talked in over a year and I don't miss this person at all. Hmm, as for the last person I casually dated, I knew it was over...well, I don't think there was a moment I "knew" it was over but I realized I maintained a certain amount of detachment the whole relationship through. Maybe it was when she wanted me to go see Mumford & Sons. I never cared about this person as much as I thought I did. I think I was just kind of idling along and settling, "content." We'd get into fights and I'd tell them, "I can just leave. I can just walk out this door right now. I don't need to be here for this." Ultimately I'd choose to stay. But I think that attitude should have been a sign. Edit/Addendum: And I am sayin'. Nothing wrong with the good ol' devil's lettuce. But there is something wrong with smoking $60 of it every 3 days.