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comment by ButterflyEffect
ButterflyEffect  ·  2703 days ago  ·  link  ·    ·  parent  ·  post: Pubski: November 2, 2016

Two really really good dates and now I'm having a "drastically overthinking communication with a girl you want to keep dating" problem edit: no but really, it's like I don't know where the line is between "too much" and "not enough" anymore. ahhhhhh.





kleinbl00  ·  2703 days ago  ·  link  ·    ·  

The difference between "too much" and "not enough" is tied to demonstrating that you're interested and interesting.

"I am thinking about you" qualifies if you are in a committed, stable relationship. If you are 2 dates in, "I am thinking about you" violates protocol. And yes, there's protocol, you little simps. Your demonstrable ability to communicate your desirability is the one real task of courtship and the sooner you accept that it's a shorthand for a much larger discussion the happier you'll be.

Which is why "I am thinking about doing cool shit and would welcome your participation" qualifies early in a relationship. Importantly, this should reflect who you are at your best, not who you think she wants you to be. You must be genuine because you are effectively performing you and you must give a good performance. If you attempt to perform someone else she will feel betrayed (subconsciously) as soon as you cease to be that person.

"I think it would be fun to go to the fair, would you like to come?" is a great reason to contact someone. "I'm going hiking Saturday" works, too. Full disclosure: I haven't had to date since y'all were in grade school so I'm sure that some things have changed but to my sensibility, "netflix and chill" is something you use to cement a relationship, not develop one. The test is one of silence: are your silences comfortable or uncomfortable? If only one of you stops trying to fill the pauses with speech, you are not ready for "netflix and chill" or any other low-energy bonding pursuit.

One of the great things about kids is they allow you to pursue endeavors that you would not otherwise. Wanna go to the Lego store on a Saturday afternoon? Congrats. You have an excuse. How 'bout the Aquarium? Saddle up. Relationships are similar - there's a barrier to checking out that new cafe by yourself unless you are exceedingly comfortable with solitude. However, "I'm thinking of checking out that new cafe - wanna come?" demonstrates that you are sociable, interesting and fun to spend time with.

Note that it's important to consider you and to consider her. I had a girl bring me a stuffed gargoyle from the Disney store because she'd been to my place once and had noticed that everyone else used to buy me gargoyles (it's true). This demonstrated (A) she had paid attention but not enough to notice I hate Disney (B) she was thinking of me (C) she spends a lot of time at malls. From her perspective it was a nice, thoughtful gift and I took it as such. That relationship lasted four years. Later, I started dating a girl that had never gone hiking and was coming out of a difficult marriage that drained all her resources. I bought her a $200 pair of hiking boots. This demonstrated (A) that I wanted her to share my passions without any impediment (B) that I was very much not her soon-to-be-ex-husband (C) that I was willing to spend extravagantly on her. It was a risk - that's much too big a present for early on, particularly if $200 is dear to you - but it was a successful gambit. We're going on 15 years.

"Too much" is "I'm here, reminding you that I'm here." "Too much" is the "facebook poke" of relationships. "Not enough" is "I've heard I need to be distant so she doesn't freak out." IT'S NOT THAT. It's that you shouldn't say anything if you have nothing to say.

Courtship is about imagining someone else in your life and inviting them to dream with you. If you work at it from that perspective you'll gain some clarity on a process that both genders work diligently to obscure.

goobster  ·  2703 days ago  ·  link  ·  

Anyone that ever wants to connect with another human being should read this post.

This is solid advice, whether you've been married for 20 years, or haven't even met yet.

Badged.

user-inactivated  ·  2703 days ago  ·  link  ·  

    no but really, it's like I don't know where the line is between "too much" and "not enough" anymore. ahhhhhh.

"Hey, I get off work early tomorrow. You free for coffee?"

If she says "Yes," great.

If she says no cause she's busy but wants to make plans for something else, great.

If she says no cause she's busy and doesn't offer an alternative, extend another invitation early next week. If the same thing happens again, try once more. If you get the same reault, move on.

snoodog  ·  2703 days ago  ·  link  ·  

What you think is "Not Enough" is probably plenty. Avoid excessive digital communication as much as possible during early dates. Its way more likely to hurt you than it is to help you. Digital communication often lacks context and gets you into trouble because you have a poor feedback mechanism. In person its way easier to calibrate your communication.

ButterflyEffect  ·  2703 days ago  ·  link  ·  

Yeah, that's the reasonable thing to do rd95 but can't you see that I'm not in a reasonable state of mind!

Mostly just want to hear from her, but she seems like a very "in the now" kind of person and our in-person conversations are ridiculously more captivating and engaging than our electronic conversations.

kleinbl00  ·  2703 days ago  ·  link  ·  

She probably much prefers them.

Get thee some in-person time stat.

ButterflyEffect  ·  2703 days ago  ·  link  ·  

So you're like, saying I should, like, talk to her today, or something.

kleinbl00  ·  2703 days ago  ·  link  ·  

No, dude, I'm saying you should figure out something you want to do that would be more awesome if she were there and then see if she wants to join.

And if she doesn't you should do it anyway. Her loss.

user-inactivated  ·  2703 days ago  ·  link  ·  

just watch richard linklater movies

steve  ·  2703 days ago  ·  link  ·  

While trying not to make light of your predicament... it does remind me of the following:

and

goobster  ·  2703 days ago  ·  link  ·  

"Don't ever call me again."

ButterflyEffect  ·  2703 days ago  ·  link  ·  

dropping this entire thing to take your advice and flagamuffin's advice

veen  ·  2703 days ago  ·  link  ·  

I have literally the same thing. Second date went superb but we haven't talked more than once since. Now I don't know if I should just start conversations or not, or if that even matters.

But hey, it's more fun to overthink that than it is to study for one of my last exams ever. Really feels like jumping through hoops at this point.

ButterflyEffect  ·  2703 days ago  ·  link  ·  

    Second date went superb but we haven't talked more than once since. Now I don't know if I should just start conversations or not, or if that even matters.

Wow, same exact thing here. Talked very briefly Sunday but that's been it, does it come off as too forward to get in touch now or is it better to wait and see for another day or two is kind of where I'm at.

galen  ·  2703 days ago  ·  link  ·  

Overheard a few days ago, maybe relevant to you:

"I've been hanging out with this guy for a few weeks now, and we both clearly like each other, but he keeps like waiting to text me back. Like, can you stop being such a 2 year-old?"