For too long I've had the idea that I'm somehow responsible for helping others overcome their issues when it's something that I understand. Ego problems? I'm here. Feeling worthless? Sure, let's talk all day long. Feeling like the whole world's against you somehow? Here I fuckin' am, my dear. Let me comfort you, make you feel good about yourself, even if I feel like crap afterwards.
I'm done with this. Fuck it. I've just had one too many people crawl up my ass hoping to find a nice warm spot there, with me to feed their egos because I'm so damn accepting and tolerant. And... I'm done with this. I'm not going to take any of this crap anymore. Helping isn't worth it. Must I really give myself away to those who aren't willing to lift a finger about their lives?
I'm not going to "help" like this anymore. I've had enough. Patience has nothing to do with this - it's the people that suck, not the progress. I'm not longer a part of this brewing pot of self-pity and self-loathing, and I wish I could really help those who are still - but I can't: there's nothing I can do, despite how much my heart yearns to. It's a struggle to get out, but maybe it's true that the flower grown in a struggle is the most beautiful one. Maybe it's why people should just do their best to get out on their own.
I don't know... It sounds too Nietzschean to me. Too cruel. But maybe it's the truth. The world is a cruel place, after all, wherever we turn to. It doesn't diminish how much beauty we have in the world: true love and true friendship are born out of struggle.
I know one thing, though: I'm done with it, whatever it is. Next "broken bird" is getting ignored. I don't want to be anyone's mentor, or teacher, or something similar - not just because they're in deep shit. I climbed out, with barely any help; I'm proof it's possible, so anyone telling me it isn't is getting left behind with no regret.
What else? How would you prioritize them, because we have only so much time, energy, etc. Helping people is good - but you can't do it if you are burned out and you sound burned out. First, you are responsible for keeping your own life in order. As they say on airplanes, put on your own oxygen mask before helping others. If other people drain drain drain you, spend some time filling yourself up. Surround yourself with people who care about you, not just about themselves. Good luck with all this.For too long I've had the idea that I'm somehow responsible for helping others overcome their issues when it's something that I understand.
You might want to ask yourself exactly what are you responsible for?
This is something I've never thought about, ever. I know what I want, and I'm discovering what I don't want with time, but what I'm responsible for? New. Thank you for leading me to this question. Is it normal to have other people drain me? I don't mean those who do it suddenly - like a nasty coworker whom you can't separate yourself from, or a random stranger on the street who had a rough day. I mean people who stay in my life. I understand that it's normal to be drained by helping others - it can be a rigorous process, indeed - but should, must or ought I to engage with such people? Also - is it true that you have a daughter? I hope I'm not mistaking anything, but I seem to remember it being mentioned somewhere among the Hubski comments. I ask because I just realized that as much as tiring can other adult people be, raising a child might be a hell for a person as sensitive as myself because they're even less... "well-adjusted", for lack of a better definition (because, well, they don't have any adjustments to begin their lives with), and I want to have children later in life.You might want to ask yourself exactly what are you responsible for?
If other people drain drain drain you, spend some time filling yourself up.
You have gotten to a powerful place. We can't help everyone. We can't even help most people. Because most people don't actually want help, or can't process it when they get it. In my Burningman community, one of the principles is "Gifting". The idea of giving someone something they need, without expectation of anything in return. This is surprisingly hard for people to do, actually. The giving part is easy. People give other people things every day. But the receiving of a gift turns out to be where most humans fail. Their immediate reaction is to give something in return, rather than to accept the gift. This changes the interaction from one of GIVING to a TRANSACTION. An exchange in equity, which distracts from the usefulness of your help, and sidetracks the receiver. (There's also some self-reflection you can do about your style of "helping". Are you trying to "fix" someone, or are you actually giving them the help they can actually use and consume, right now, in their current headspace, etc? Just something to think about...) I burned out on helping people in the past, too. But I go back, because I find people who are genuinely looking for guidance, support, help, and I get better and better at weeding out the complainers from the people who are actively working to make a change in their lives. Be with yourself for a while. You get satisfaction from helping, so you will come back to it eventually. Be well.
That's an art, not a science. We all know people who always have some drama in their life. Don't bother with them. This is how they define themselves, and without drama they would be at a total loss. There is no prescription for who is deserving/desirous of your help. It's like... there are some homeless people you give money/food/attention to, and there are others you don't. It's a gut feeling, and it can be surprising how smart your gut is. And, like archery or badminton or woodworking, helping people is a skill set that you hone over time. But keep doing it. Keep learning. And take a break sometimes to take care of yourself. You are letting people drink from your well, and if you don't take time to replenish that well, it'll run dry.
I'd add there's some gradation when you get into the idea of giving people what they need. I like to give my time to help people and was once at a breaking point like ThatFanficGuy. I realized that I wasn't fed up "giving people what they need" I was fed up giving people what they asked for. Most of the time people wanted to play "poor me" and would jump from ear to sympathetic ear playing their part. The problem was that no one ever won this game. The people who needed help only felt better when they were acknowledged as the victim, but that feeling didn't last long and they never had reason to play any other part. So I started giving people what I thought they needed. I gave them what I had to give and didn't offer to fake what they wanted. For the most part, it works better - people get something more honest and more human from me, and in return I feel I'm living up to the potential I have inside. It's not draining, it's invigorating. (I should say, not every victim is playing "poor me", but if you pay attention it's not too hard to tell who is.)
Totally. "Poor me" is a thing that keeps people going. They don't know who they are or how to define themselves, except by the "wrongs" they suffer at the hands of the world. But there are others that are just disaster magnets. I know two of them, and have just blanked them out of my life. I feel incredibly bad for them, but I am not going to stand next to a trailer park in tornado alley and hope for the best... I'm gonna fucking move to where tornadoes don't go, ya know? Not my circus, not my monkeys. This hits particularly close to home for me right now, as I watch someone continue their inevitable slide to suicide. For 7 or 8 years, the whole community has rallied around her and supported her through disaster after disaster. And now we watch helplessly as she plays out her final disaster. It sucks. It sucks ass. But, as you get older, you see this pattern repeat in life, and you resign yourself to helping those you can, the best you can, and knowing when you can't help any more. Bugger.