Hubski,
What do you think of this criticism?
What does it mean to you, if a person cares too much about what others think? Is there a person or persons like that in your life? Tell us about them.
I would imagine that someone who cares too much what other people think would allow his or her beliefs about their opinions to influence their behavior. I would also think that they would do this in a way to make themselves fit in with a group, however. Like "I want them to like me so I'm going to act in this sort of way."
However, I sometimes feel that certain classes of people are forced to care more about what others think of them.
I think if you want to be perceived in a certain way, or to have a certain reputation - for instance, if you want someone to respect you as a good person - then you have to make sure you consistently act in that manner. Maybe that can seem like "caring too much what other people think," but there's a great value in a solid reputation. When your actions are unimpeachable, the random shit talk of - however - is powerless, because no one who knows you would believe it.
I wonder if sometimes this accusation is leveled against a given person(b) because the accuser wants to convince (b) to do something or act in a certain way, but doesn't have a valid argument for it.
I feel like this is a rather nebulous accusation. It might be accurate, or it's a statement that very easily lends itself towards manipulation. It can't really be defended against. It's abstract. What it really means is, "I don't like how much you care about others' opinions."
How much do you care about other people's opinions? I feel like this would be a varying scale. How much is too much - but we can certainly agree there is also such a thing as too little?
I care what people think of me, but within context of the relationship and my own view of myself. Not all relationships deserve the same consideration. When it comes to pursuing my own happiness, then I don't count people that are unaffected yet judgmental as worthy of consideration. I value the opinions of those with experience and especially success in a given area. I give little weight to opinions of people that do not have experience or success, even if they are people that are close to me. People are often insecure and unsure. The support of friendship is something that can be wonderfully consistent, and is usually more reliable than advice. I do my best not to defend my actions. If someone wants an explanation, I will offer one, but I make a point of not responding to judgement alone. I try not to apologize unless I really feel regret. I don't have to be liked by everyone, but I try not take the relationships I have for granted. I am working on being a better listener.
This question is about as nebulous as "what should I do with my life?" There is value in conforming, and there is value in not conforming. Both of these are really contextual. Often your choices will be between two competing parties offering different criticism. Often these parties will be influenced by their own prejudices and biases. Unless you have significant resources, your choice will likely depend entirely on material consequences, rather than any belief you hold or ideal you seek. When someone says this, it's often code for "care less about what they think, and care more about what I think". I'm definitely guilty of that. in response to kb's churchill quote: There is not really any value in conflict alone. It matters what the conflict is for. I had enemies the moment I was born. I have enemies that hate me, really hate me, for involuntary elements of my existence. I have enemies that hate me for survival decisions made in situations they deliberately forced upon me. I don't use the word "enemy" lightly. They would kill me if they could, and I them. Do I get credit for being naturally despicable in their eyes? No. Do they get credit for irrational malevolence? Certainly the opposite. The quote has been used by literal nazis to justify their bullshit. Churchill was an imperialist that deserved to die anyway."You have enemies? Good. That means you've stood up for something, sometime in your life."
- Winston Churchill
There certainly is a "too little". I've met people that use the mindset of "I don't care what people think of me" as an excuse to act like assholes. But there is also "too much" because I don't think a person should compromise their core values to please people around them. I find the phrase " you care too much about what people think" is most often used when people hold back and don't live up to their full potential because of fear of a certain judgment. But the same is true in the opposite case that you can pass up on opportunities because you don't value other people's opinion. LIke in most cases, there is a balance to be found. I find that for different people, lifestyles and career the threshold of "caring too much" is different. And there is a distinction to be made about who the "people" are. Some people's opinions matter, some don't.
I have always struggled with caring too much about what others think in regards to superficialities. How I look, how much money I have, what type of car I drive etc. This was a result of being one of the only brown kids in a small, very white town and then having my parents send me to a private school full of wealthy families while we were anything but wealthy. I have had some success in business and I've done well financially and MUCH of that is a direct result of the girl I crushed on in HS liking the rich guys. I had something to prove because I cared what people thought. To an extent, I have been able to curb this problem, but I still have insecurities regarding to how I think I am being perceived, but it's WAY less prevalent these days. I try, as best I can to make others feel good about themselves.
Look, it's hard to find our way. Also we have varying abilities and differing perceptions. Some kids have a learning disability that makes it hard for them to read situations and learn from their peers. If you are bullied as a kid or a little quirky in elementary school, you might become so defensive that you do not listen to anyone. Your life might be more difficult for you than it could be if you listen to helpful, loving people. So let's be specific. What are "their" opinions about, and perhaps more importantly, how sturdy is your ego? You can try and change to please people, but unless you wholeheartedly agree with the change, you'll revert back to your preferred state anyway. For me, I care very much what other people think about any professional work: my teaching or writing -- because other people are my audience and if I can improve from their feedback, I'll gratefully listen to their ideas. Feedback is a gift. Note: I said "listen" - not necessarily act on their ideas. but because I've been sufficiently loved and appreciated by the world, I can handle varying ideas. I can choose to be with people that seem to care about my feelings. Not everyone has that luxury. What's the situation, ref, that led to this question. Was the accusation aimed at you or someone you care about?
I have been told I care too much about people's opinions by no less than three people in the past few months. I find this ironic because, uh...most people don't seem to think I have this problem. I find it doubly ironic because each person who has told me I cared too much about other people's opinions was trying to make me care about his opinion. Triply ironic because if you tell me I care too much about other people's opinions and then I'm like "OH GOD YOU'RE RIGHT I NEED TO MAKE A CHANGE!" ... aren't I actually just proving you true? I think what may be happening is some people see my "deep interest in the hilarious/nonsensical/stupid/complexities of human interaction" aka yes, I think it's fascinating what people do, what they say and how they treat others, and if I'm involved doubly so, and confusing it for "caring about what these people actually think" instead of "marveling that this what these people actually think." Because last night I was told I was "too aggressive" and "not friendly enough," while simultaneously being told I "cared too much about other people's opinions", which, come on mother fucker, that math just doesn't add up. So basically, I guess people find it boring when I talk about drama, and so decide to accuse me of it being a personal failing.
I soooo hope this bs isn't coming from a certain photographer. Now: Note on how to respond to people. When someone says you are too aggressive, what they mean is they are intimidated by you. When someone says you are not friendly enough, what they mean is that they wish you were warmer to them. When someone says you care too much about other people's opinion's, what they mean is they are worried about you. The thing to remember is that first and foremost, when someone gives you one of those messages, they are talking about themselves, not about you. It might be about you, but mostly it's about their feelings, fears, hopes, and perceptions. If you care about the person and want to be in the conversation there are a number of ways you can get more information before deciding it's about you. I have these on line.