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galen  ·  265 days ago  ·  link  ·    ·  parent  ·  post: Pubski: May 2, 2018

Been a while, ne?

German Uni is the best thing that's ever happened to me. My classes (Theater of the Neo-Avantgarde; The Poet Heinrich Heine) are fantastic. The only bullshit part is that I have to take two classes (Advanced Language & Comp; Travel Theory) with only other Americans, but gradually we're getting to the point where I just spend the class discussing texts with my prof while the others watch. I like my prof, so it works.

The new plan is to buckle down and finish my degree next year, which is only 6 months(!) anyway. After that, grad school (or possibly theatre school) in Germany and never coming back to the US. I tried to join an English-speaking theatre group here but after about 10 minutes I realized that I have absolutely no desire to speak English anymore and left.

Yesterday I asked out my German tutor, who replied that it would literally be illegal for us to go out-- even though we're both juniors, she's technically employed by the University as my "teacher." Also she said she has no feelings, but based on the 7 times in the past month that I thought "damn we almost just kissed," I'm guessing she's just trying to make it easier to move on. Not that it makes a difference, since, y'know, law-breaking.

BUT! My depression has always been founded on a deep-seated feeling of isolation, and therefore has always been heavily triggered by break-ups, ending romantic interests, ending friendships, and the like. Having finally recognized this, I took extra antidepressants yesterday (don't worry, still in the range that my doc recommended), and today I'm actually doing fine. I mean, I'm disappointed, but I was out of bed after 10 hours of sleep, played CS:GO, edited an essay, and am off to my first German baseball practice(!) in half an hour. I feel like now I can focus on just building a life that I enjoy for myself, and if someone else shows up in it later, that's chill.

Hope you all are doing well; sorry I've been absent and I miss you guys (hi kleinbl00 lil nowaypablo _refugee_ Cumol thenewgreen Quatrarius elizabeth and anyone else I'm forgetting), but realistically speaking don't expect it to get much better-- my love for Germany is all-consuming :)