People often talk about the importance of a first impression and rightly so, as a first impression is sometimes all one gets to give. What I don't often hear people talk about is what they personally do to manage perceptions after that other than such vagaries as, "be yourself" or something along the lines of, "be professional."
When it comes to being a professional though, that can mean many different things. In many lines of work, "selling" yourself as an asset and/or person the company or client enjoys working with time and again is part of keeping the job and that can be accomplished in many, many ways.
In the personal sphere, people tend to be very "take it or leave it" which works well for friendships, but perhaps not for other non-professional relationships. For example, I found out through interactions over time that the local greengrocer near my last apartment was fond of animals, so I'd make small talk about the animals I owned, which at the time, were a dog and a pig. Through these interactions we were able to establish a connection which in turn led to a discount, especially if I was buying stuff for the pig.
Please understand that I'm not asking how or if you manipulate people, but if you'd like to talk about that, that would be interesting too. The question though really, is what do you personally do to proactively build inter-personal relationships?
I find it most useful to think of conversation as a creative process. Specifically, it's improv without the stage. It is a collaborative performance. A jam like jazz. Because you create an experience, emotional and cognitive, using a communicative medium, a complex blend of words and body language. There's rhythm, and image. Story. You play with social rules like the rules of genre. You are informed by your influences, and the content at play. In this sense, we are all artists. What applies to art in the general naturally applies to conversation. Similarly, practicing in another medium yields benefits to be applied in any other. I spent a couple years learning how to play the guitar, but never with a drummer. One day, a drummer moved in with his drum. So we started jamming... and it sucked lol. But we were down there every other day, honing the process through experiment and experience. We began to understand one another. One day, we felt the music so thoroughly, it hits that sweet spot and it's like magic. The more I practiced, the more I let go, the more I genuinely enjoyed that process -- the easier it was to hit that sweet spot and really make something that pops. It became easy to drop into that mindset of letting go, of trusting the flow, of having fun with the sometimes awkward back and forth of working with another mind. A jazz musician knows what 'be yourself' means. I work a customer service gig, for tips. I jam all day using the same process except modified for conversation. I have a lot of fun, and I'm really good at my job. The trick is activating that creative process in people. Everyone knows how to be familiar: Hey how's it going? Good, how are you? I'm good, it's Friday. Oh yeah! Love it. -- it's the accessibility of the conversation, how to get into the groove, establish the meter. But the sooner you introduce a novel element the better, and it needs to be something they can play off of. Every Friday should be a holiday. Why not? Seriously though, why not. And, it's about the way you hold yourself, the subtleties, always. That's something they can play off of too, because style is a type of content, an extension of the subject matter. There's so much more to say about it, because the complexity of art and the creative process is staggering. I anticipate, "yeah but a work relationship ain't jamming." I tell ya, different genre, different expectations, same process.
Hah -- oh yeah. Conversational Narcissism. I admit I fall into this trap a little too often, especially loaded up with caffeine and/or passion.
No, unfortunately. The stage is pretty intense. Makes me close up with adrenaline. Some people are naturals in taking that energy and performing extraordinarily with it, but it's been hard for me. I would need a lot of practice in order to overcome that. I would love to some day. I know improv class is marketed as a way to improve speaking skills, your nerves, your generative process in general and I believe it.
It's funny that you ought to be worried that getting a discount from your greengrocer for friendly smalltalk would be considered manipulative. I don't see that at all. IMO the 'just be yourself' maxim simply means to engage other human beings on the level. We all have roles that we play, especially in our professional life, but as The Breakfast Club so artfully demonstrated, once you take those roles away, we are not so different, you and I. IMHO social grace lies in the ability to move beyond roles when both parties would appreciate it, and to stick to them when one party would not.Please understand that I'm not asking how or if you manipulate people, but if you'd like to talk about that, that would be interesting too.
I think that's a good definition of social grace. I think civics should still be part of public education. There's a lot of subtlety involved with social interaction and generally getting along with people, especially in a large, largely faceless and disparate society (as is found in the U.S.) that can be tough to pick up on.
If your intent is to make a positive impression, there are tried and true ways to do this that are relatively universal. As lil says, #1 would be to listen. Some other advice: Ask interesting questions. What do you think the weathers going to be like? isn't the kind of question that makes any sort of impression but If tomorrow is sunny and 80 degrees and you could do anything outdoors, what would you do? is the kind of question that makes a positive impression and can lead to a far more interesting exchange. Make the conversation easy but not forgettable. Don't "interview" but do "discuss". Don't have a litany of questions but let the conversation flow natually, find some common ground (like you did with the grocer re: animals) and develop your relationship there. Equally important is uncommon ground. Maybe they have a hobby that you are interested in learning more about or vice versa. -This is how friendships start. You've never been running before? I know a great trail for beginners, what are you doing this Saturday? The key is to be genuine. The moment you start acting scripted or think too much about how to construct a discussion, it will falter. I really enjoy having conversations with people and I have been told that I have an ability to motivate people towards a desired action (sales). My wife calls it being a master-manipulator but my VP calls it being a top-performer. Strangely enough, I prefer his interpretation.
I guess the #1 thing I do is listen carefully to people, listen for the underlying, unsaid experience and respond tentatively, without certainty, about what the person might be saying. When possible I listen with my heart, not my ego or my agenda. I think that's what you are talking about regarding the greengrocer. If you get a discount, it comes from his gratefulness to you for sharing a authentic human-to-human moment. Thx for the question.
be honest, don't over state, Listen (that means not butting in with rebutles), find common ground, stay away from politics and religion, dont force the conversation, set yourself boundires how much of a freind do you want? If you get over friendly you can end up with a friend you dont really want, dont try and make frineds just be civil, be nutural, respect their boundries.