So, I got dumped today.
The worst part is, it was extremely amicable. She needs time to figure out her life, and says I did everything right in the relationship. But I just feel like complete trash right now.
I've seen this coming for weeks, but I've been trying to push it into some dark corner of my mind. How do you leave someone who you've shared a bed with every night for 4 years? How do you learn to sleep alone again?
I'm kind of floundering right now. We have all the same friends, and spend most of every day together. I don't know how to recalibrate just yet, I feel like I structured so much of my life around her.
We've been together for the entirety of what could be called our adult lives, so I don't really know how to feel right now.
Sorry this is so melodramatic, I just feel like I can't be super emotional around my real-world friends about this.
Any advice?
EDIT: You're all awesome. I really appreciate the kind words and good advice, it has all helped a lot. I'm not doing 100%, but I have definitely started re-evaluating a lot of my priorities.
I've learned that most men have to fight a war on two fronts. On the right, we have our talents. On the left, our passions. Most people will give you the very, very bad advice of following your passions. And sure, if you are already wealthy or have access to resources, go for it. I, however, tell young people to find their talent, excel at it and take it wherever it ends up leading you. Your passions will be those things that get you out of bed in the morning... your talents pay the bills to make that bed comfortable. Good. Floundering is a part of growth. So now, ask yourself the following questions: What am I good at? What comes easy for me? What is my talent? Maybe it is carpentry, maybe it is math, maybe it is finance, maybe it is people skills. write a list, then sleep on it. Come back to it in the morning. Got a good sleep? OK, now write down what excites you. What, if given all the luck in the world, would you do for free if offered? Sports? Games? Building stuff? Science stuff? Music? cars? Maybe this will be one thing, maybe a few. Now, look at list #1. Put down the pen, and look at that list. From your other posts, you seem young, but then I'm an old fart and you all seem young to me, so no offense meant. Anything on that list that can generate cash? Make money? Career focused? Money is not the be-all and end-all, but not having money sucks, and money is the tool that feeds your passions. So, look again at the two lists. Do they intersect? Is your passion cars and you have a talent for fixing them? Do you love music, but your talents lie in management? Don't write anything down, use these two lists as a starting point. Here is where I tell you to go have a few drinks, and let your mind wander. For me, I have a talent for computer networks, physical hardware implementations, virtual machines and server designs. I'm really good at it, and I can read up a bit, absorb data and write up a plan of implementation explaining how I am going to save money over time. But this is not my passion and I'd give it up if I had the means to drop it. My talents pay for my house, my car, and here is were we get to the point, my interests hobbies and passions. I love space. You should love space too, but I get it if you don't. So I show people the night sky, explain as best I can what we know and how we know it. I try to get people excited about the stuff that excites me. My job pays for my telescopes, gives me off time and flex time so I can go to star parties and take time off for the 'rare' events in the sky and helps me funnel cash into retirement accounts so that I don't have to work into my 80's. I have a car that can take me to work and also take me out to BFE with a load of gear, a tent etc so I can drop off the face of the earth for a weekend if I want to. Astronomy, space, science, math are the things that get me excited, make my heart race and motivate me to build on my talents to keep making paychecks. (I also got hella lucky and landed a job with like minded people who I consider friends, offer the best work environment I've ever had, and make me want to work here forever.) Businesses hate having talented, honest good people turn over and leave; a good employer will work to keep you. That is what following your talents does. Sounds kinda boring and all, but it works for me. Life for 98% of us is boring and dull 9-5 jobs that pay the bills, pay the insurance, keep the fridge full etc. And despite what the movies and the internet tell you, this is fine. As long as you have something else that gets you moving. I cannot tell you what your talent is, only the guy in the mirror can do that. I also cannot tell you what your passions are, again, the same jerk in the mirror calls those shots. But you have a grand opportunity. No significant other to tie you down and you are at that point where you don't ever want to be at again. Now is the time to figure out what you want to do when you grow up! And if you need to live more before you get there, I didn't figure that out until my late 30's, I have an uncle who didn't figure it out until he was 50. Make the lists, take a break, stare at the guy in the mirror for a while. And good luck.I'm kind of floundering right now.
Francopoli, this is just what I needed to hear, thank you so much for writing it. Certainly a nice update on this lovely article from the Onion. I have a list of talents now, and even just thinking of things that I am actually good at is making me feel a lot more confident. I am so happy that you can find the time to spend on your passion, I loved the post you made the other day (today?) about your recent adventure with teaching other people about space.
That's definitely the big question right now. I am having a very hard time remembering what exactly I wanted to do with my life before her, I feel like I was so determined that I could take any job as long as it was near her that I forgot what the job that I ACTUALLY wanted was.
When I was younger I did something similar and instead of deciding what I wanted to do I just did what I thought was expected of me. I did that until I realized one day sitting in class that me in a desk job was the most absurd, dumbest idea I have ever come up with. Which leads me into another piece of advice... don't overthink things too much. I spent a lot of energy trying to figure out what I wanted to do after I dropped out but what really helped was just having new experiences. I ended up moving to do housekeeping at a hotel even though I had always done jobs in customer service. I thought I hated customer service since my only experience was as a grocery store cashier but doing this job helped me realize that I missed interacting with customers. As I gained new experiences I started realizing more and more what I wanted. I realized things I didn't like as well although I never saw them as mistakes. It was just my way of crossing different things off my list by living instead of trying to guess what I wouldn't like. So ya, that's my general advice, just try new things without overthinking them. You'll either realize you love it, love some part of it, or hate it. In the end it will all bring you a step closer to where you want to be so it's all just a part of the journey.
Knowing how things work has always been helpful to me, so I'm going to share it in hopes that it will help you as well. You've lost a part of yourself when you broke up. You've invested yourself into being with her. Now that this part of yourself has been torn away from you, you feel naturally empty - and now that you're forced to meet with this part of yourself being inaccessible, you feel pain. It's normal: it means that you cared about this part of yourself, about the two of you that you had. dingus's already said it. Invest yourself into you: do something that channels your own mind and feelings. There's a vacuum of personality inside of you right now, and anything that puts some pressure onto you (as light as it may be - the pressure of wanting to play guitar good, to code well, to sing beautifully) will fill that vacuum once you let it in. Other things will just fall through. Make yourself feel whole again. Best of luck.