There are friends who are your friends and friends who are your caseload. How do you know which is which? 1. After seeing the friends who are your caseload, you might feel a little diminished. 2. You might feel you are putting in more than you are getting back. 3. Seeing friends who are your caseload sometimes seems like work. 4. You might have fun with friends who are your caseload, but they are mostly not your first choice if, say, you had tickets to something. You offer the tix to maybe three other people first. 5. Caseload friends might have been unreliable in the past. You don't entirely trust them to be there for you or to do what they promise. So you have learned to be cautious around them.Unless I make the effort to reach out or arrange something, I will hear very little directly from them.
If this person is your friend and not your caseload, tell him how you feel. I have a formula for a clear assertive message that can help you express your feelings.
In my case, I would say 2 is definitely applicable and 5 somewhat. Potentially 4 too but, to add a caveat, that'd be because anything I'd have tickets for they probably wouldn't be interested in going to. I'd invite them to something of mutual interest, and I have. Also, they are a she. Not that it changes things, but it's good to be clear. I'd be interested in hearing that formula.
This describes a friend of mine, and that makes me sad. Our conversations are either about cats, about her, or we don't talk for days and days. It used to describe another friend, but after a falling out and not talking for months, we've reconnected in a way that works. There are no more expectations, by either of us, to always be there. But we still have a lot of compatibilities, and occasional chats are enjoyable when neither of us expect anything from the other besides someone who understands. It's understanding without taking on the problem as a caseload. I still don't know what to do about the first friend, though.
Regarding the first friend: If there is a long-standing loyalty or debt of friendship or important past shared experience, you might want to continue the friendship in some form. Decide how much of your time you can afford. Protect yourself by combining time with that friend with another activity that you have to do. The person might move from being a caseload to being something else.
We definitely have all those reasons to remain friends, and she wasn't always a caseload. Currently my approach to stay sane is when she stops replying to messages, I stop caring. It's effective in making me not feel cast aside, but the consequence is growing apathy toward her.