I'm trying to decide whether to scale back or even end my friendship with one of my oldest and best friends. We've known each other since school days and have always enjoyed each other's company. However, it seems over that last 3/4 years, they only really make an effort to maintain the friendship/contact when their life has gone to shit. They have always looked to me as someone they can spill their problems too whilst I simply listen. Or they often find my advice quite useful or supportive or whatever. I don't say this with resentment. I generally enjoy listening and giving advice where its wanted. I've had multiple people tell me I'm good at it so I try to help where I can. Who doesn't enjoy feeling wanted and useful? But it just seems that when times are good for them, when things are going right and they're enjoying their life, they make little effort to stay in touch or meet up. Unless I make the effort to reach out or arrange something, I will hear very little directly from them. As soon as things start going sour though, the messages and requests to meet come flooding back. And since I've started thinking about this, I've become acutely aware how much we don't have in common except for how long we've known each other. For the most part, we don't enjoy the same music, comedy, or taste in other media. We don't have the same outlook on life. We don't have a similar mindset on most thing. We just generally don't have a shared enthusiasm for anything. But despite all this I do feel there's a connection there in the good time and we enjoy each other's company. And of course, it can be good to be friend with people outside of your usual circle of interest, someone who challenges you or thinks differently to you. But in this case I'm starting to feel I'm being taken advantage of. I don't think it's anything purposeful by them, I just think that's how our dynamic has evolved naturally. And I feel it's becoming unhealthy. I don't know, I am prone to over-thinking and blowing things out of proportion. I haven't quite processed this all yet to decide whether it's grounded in reality or not. This is pretty much just a stream of conciousness of the main irk on my mind at present.
There are friends who are your friends and friends who are your caseload. How do you know which is which? 1. After seeing the friends who are your caseload, you might feel a little diminished. 2. You might feel you are putting in more than you are getting back. 3. Seeing friends who are your caseload sometimes seems like work. 4. You might have fun with friends who are your caseload, but they are mostly not your first choice if, say, you had tickets to something. You offer the tix to maybe three other people first. 5. Caseload friends might have been unreliable in the past. You don't entirely trust them to be there for you or to do what they promise. So you have learned to be cautious around them.Unless I make the effort to reach out or arrange something, I will hear very little directly from them.
If this person is your friend and not your caseload, tell him how you feel. I have a formula for a clear assertive message that can help you express your feelings.
In my case, I would say 2 is definitely applicable and 5 somewhat. Potentially 4 too but, to add a caveat, that'd be because anything I'd have tickets for they probably wouldn't be interested in going to. I'd invite them to something of mutual interest, and I have. Also, they are a she. Not that it changes things, but it's good to be clear. I'd be interested in hearing that formula.
This describes a friend of mine, and that makes me sad. Our conversations are either about cats, about her, or we don't talk for days and days. It used to describe another friend, but after a falling out and not talking for months, we've reconnected in a way that works. There are no more expectations, by either of us, to always be there. But we still have a lot of compatibilities, and occasional chats are enjoyable when neither of us expect anything from the other besides someone who understands. It's understanding without taking on the problem as a caseload. I still don't know what to do about the first friend, though.
Regarding the first friend: If there is a long-standing loyalty or debt of friendship or important past shared experience, you might want to continue the friendship in some form. Decide how much of your time you can afford. Protect yourself by combining time with that friend with another activity that you have to do. The person might move from being a caseload to being something else.
We definitely have all those reasons to remain friends, and she wasn't always a caseload. Currently my approach to stay sane is when she stops replying to messages, I stop caring. It's effective in making me not feel cast aside, but the consequence is growing apathy toward her.
Do I ever relate to that. I decided to cut my little brother out of my life five years ago and it was one of the hardest decisions I have ever made. It was about a year long mental process for me. I love the shit out of the guy and we always have a great time together and have tons in common. But I realized the same. He would usually only contact me when there was a problem in his life that he needed me to help him with. I realized that was 95% of my role our entire lives. I talked to him about it and he completely disagreed. Then a while later we got into a major debate about a fundamental moral issue. He decided that he was not going to try to be part of his son's life anymore as the joy he got out of it (which was a lot and he was a great Dad) was far outweighed by the grief he constantly got from his ex (which I can not disagree with). I essentially told him that he was a complete asshole if he decided to do that. So that was the end of it as I did not want to have anything to do with that. The situation turned out really well though, besides the fact I hate not having him my life. Over the last five years I have pretty much stepped into the "father figure role" (to the greatest extent possible) and my nephew stays or vacations with me for the month of August, March Break and will be here for 8 days this week. We text all the time and have tons of fun so the situation really turned out having a golden lining. It took me over a year to think that through and I do not think I was over-thinking it and you aren't either. Best of luck.
That's what I would be afraid of. I don't think the person in my case would agree either. But I guess that goes back to what I said previously about them not doing it consciously. They get so used to the motions that they no perhaps longer see them. I'm glad your decision turned out well for you. Thanks for sharing your experience and reassuring me that I'm not being an asshole.I talked to him about it and he completely disagreed.