I had planned to make a throwaway account on reddit and post this to r/offmychest or something. I'm wary of putting too much of myself around, and writing this sort of thing generally makes me uncomfortable.
This is just a rant. Writing is what I do, stream of consciousness writing makes me feel like I'm levitating above my head. I've never done drugs, but it's what I imagine being high must feel like.
I've mentioned a friend before a few times here and there, the same one I talked about in the military post. There's been a lot of awkward between us over the years, mostly caused by my feelings for him. But ultimately, I've always thought he was more or less okay with that (mostly because he came 250 miles away with me 7 months after I told him, and convinced me to come out).
I gave up hope of any relationship the night I told him, I was more than happy to have him still being my friend - after all, I'd always assumed he'd hate me (that assumption based on where I live, how I've seen the one or two other gay guys I know here treated, and an overall extreme sense of self-loathing). Sometimes there are dreams or whatever, but that stays there, and I know they stay there. After all, I've always liked him for who he is, and that's not who he is.
About seven months after I told him, he and I returned to Chicago (we spent the day there before I told him that night). I'd since moved there. He came up to stay with me for the week of New Years. We went to a Bear's game, had (and didn't like) Chicago style pizza, went to Lincoln Park Zoo on NYE (and Navy Pier), watched movies, did a lot of good stuff that was all pretty normal. I even maintained a pretty stable condition throughout, there wasn't a lot of awkward (there was some, but way less than what he was used to from me - something I was sort of proud of).
I'm fairly sure there were points when he purposely teased me, the biggest one being coming out of the shower in nothing but jeans and shooting me this gigantic grin. I'm (slightly more than) fine with that, although it struck me as weird.
This is the same friend who (at the end of that week) persuaded me to rejoin Facebook and come out publicly - something I don't think I'd ever have done otherwise.
I've always been really paranoid about talking to him since I actually told him. I'd never really thought of an outcome that lead to him still being my friend, so I didn't know how to deal with the situation. I've done my best to keep things awkward-free and normal, and overall I've done a pretty good job.
But, I have serious trouble actually communicating with him. When I had FB, I'd message him occasionally, maybe once every month or so, not frequently. Generally we'd have short but normal chats, and that's good with me. The last couple of months though, it's been strange.
Earlier this week I talked to him when I was about to delete FB (I got tired of my social media site being the NYT and WSJ front page - which is all it was for me). We talked for a little while, I gave him my phone number, and he said he'd text me. There wasn't any sign of oddity in the conversation, and it seemed normal enough for me.
Before that it'd been July since we talked. I'd tried to talk to him in September - just a "hey what's up?" but never got a response. In July he'd asked for some advice - what to say to a friend to help them, apparently he thought (or knew) that they were suicidal, and he asked for my advice. I gave it, and it wasn't awkward (at least, no more awkward that a conversation like that can be).
Over the years he's never indicated anything to make me think he has a problem with me. He has told a third party (in private, under the assumption that I wouldn't know about it - I got told about it anyway) that he wants to be my friend, but doesn't know how to talk to me, and I get that, and I want to fix that.
Night before last I went ahead and texted him, asked if he wanted to go see that Tank movie that comes out this weekend. I texted him kind of late, around 10:30 (he told me previously that he gets off of work at 10). He replied almost instantly with "Who is this" - and once I texted him back, he never replied, and it's been a few days.
Not getting a reply from him isn't all that uncommon, but it feels like he's trying to tell me that he doesn't want to talk to me. I don't know why he'd be giving me that hint, since he continuously (even as recently as a few days ago) says the opposite, and doesn't show any weirdness when we talk.
I don't know how to deal with a situation like that.
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My general upbringing / life experience has forced me to think critically about pretty much everything. But I over think everything as well, and that's a bad trait to have when you're trying to keep a relationship friendly and be self-loathing at the same time.
I could be reading into it too much, but I don't want to bother him with another text if he really doesn't want to talk to me. I'd get that if he just said so, it'd bother me but I wouldn't make a deal out of it. That'd just be how it is, and he wouldn't hear from me again. I've given him plenty of opportunities to say that in the past, and I've asked directly twice since I told him how I felt. My dad clung to me for years, I know what it's like to have someone talking at you. You... Every time you see their name you get a cold chill on your neck and your gut fills with dread. I never want to be that for anyone.
I just get weird vibes from the situation, and I don't know how to handle it. I don't know how to deal with signals so mixed, if some of them are even signals at all. It pisses me off that I have to be the one that has to deal with it.
I gave up on any romance a long time ago, I'm just trying to keep one of the extremely few friends I have. It's not like I want to talk to him for hours every day, I'd just like for us both to be able to talk to one another without fear of freaking the other one out. I get that maybe he doesn't want that, but I wouldn't know it from everything he's said and done to support the exact opposite (including the extremely poorly explained advice he gave to me a few months ago, 'always talk but not a lot' - the fuck does that mean?)
I don't enjoy having a lot of friends. I like to have a very few close ones, and those few that I have I tend to be unreasonably loyal to, so it's hard for me to just give up and say 'whatever' unless that other person indicates that that's what they want.
So, yeah. I don't know what to do, and it's casting a shadow around everything else (including the fact that apparently I've got a good enough portfolio to get decent freelance work).
You have no control over your friends. You have no control over their regard for you. You have a complicated relationship in which two people aren't sure what to say to each other. Combine that with the fact that your methods for communication have devolved from in person to text messages. Context via text is nigh onto impossible. Add to that, you've got a scarcity problem. There aren't many people in your life so when you lose one it hurts extra. And since you hurt extra and the way to fix it is to reach, you end up pushing away. You weren't asking for advice, you're getting it. Let them go. If they want back into your life, they know where to find you. Take the energy you're putting into this relationship and pour it into another. You know what sort of sentiment breaks my heart? The difference between a close friend and a casual friend can be as little as time spent and experiences shared. Categorizing relationships beyond the broadest ("person I am sleeping with" vs "person I am related to" vs "person of a gender that does not attract me") is often more effort than it's worth. You may find that there are people all around you worthy of your attention and expending it there will make you so much happier. By the bye? "unreasonable loyalty" is a detriment. Friendship is more than an exchange, but it's also an exchange. If you're too much into someone you'll push them away, regardless of how you feel about them romantically. Above all else? Find your center. Without it you tend to wheel around bashing into people and nobody likes that. Good luck.I don't enjoy having a lot of friends. I like to have a very few close ones, and those few that I have I tend to be unreasonably loyal to, so it's hard for me to just give up and say 'whatever' unless that other person indicates that that's what they want.
I can't help you. I haven't had a friend since high school. I wish you wouldn't take it so personal though. You sound like a nice enough guy. Let come what may.Maybe ever’body in the whole damn world is scared of each other.
- Of Mice and Men
Yeah. I'm not trying to sound all dark and badass. It's my choice. People scare me. I'm great at a distance but I never call them back. I'm scared they'll see who I really am? The ones I truly enjoy are few and far between. I got lucky and found one to love. That's enough for me.
You know, I had an on again/off again thing with this one girl for 8 years. 8 Years. There's something there, but in our last round she told me that she too is terrified of letting people in. From the outside looking in, this is a real bummer (to put it mildly) because I have the feeling it would work out, if she'd let it. My point is, life is terrifying but so what? Not to minimize, but I've had some days where I've realized just how mortal I am and how unlikely it is that I'm even alive to begin with. Personally, I can't stand the thought of not taking opportunities to connect with people. I could be totally wrong, but if I am, whatever. I'm emphatically for trying things on with people I encounter and I really wish more people would be too. Then again, I say this as a healthy, youngish man who has luckily not suffered through any serious trauma. Anyway, I hope you find a friend. They're good to have.
Not to distract from the conversation you're having with cam, but I'm really interested by the quoted part in particular and what you mean by it....and how unlikely it is that I'm even alive to begin with.
It's pretty amazing that a few free floating amino acids developed into what we see around us every day. Furthermore, I am the product of two people who met in high school. To put that further in perspective, high school in the Philippines begins in 6th grade and goes until 10th grade. I don't know of anyone else whose parents have known each other so long, or remained so happy with each other (it's kinda gross). Also, I am kind of dumb in that I do dumb shit. Just the other day, that girl I was talking about told me that I have a lot of stories where I was doing things where I thought I was going to die. I guess that's true. In the end, there is so much left up to chance that if we consider some of the many variables that fell into place that resulted in us, it's pretty crazy that anything is the way it is at all, no?
I'm not sure if you've ever read about the RNA world hypothesis, but you might find it interesting. Just today I was in the radio station, and kind of staring at the leather couch in our office. Somebody asked me what I was looking at and I went off on this soapbox about how incredible it is that I was looking at something that, in the end, is composed of atoms that don't represent the whole in the slightest, in terms of appearance. Then I went off about how everything is composed of atoms that are composed of mostly empty space and how incredible that is. Sometimes I think, and this is an absolutely insane thought that comes up a lot, but that life could be some sort of a dream. That what we are experiencing, what we feel, our trials and tribulations are in the end some sort of a simulation or a weird state born out of some cosmetic sentience. I first encountered that idea from Final Fantasy X, of all places, but it's something that I think about every so often. Life is impossible.It's pretty amazing that a few free floating amino acids developed into what we see around us every day.
Well, there's a hypothesis that the universe is composed of information and that we are only 3d holograms of that information. And yeah, life may as well be a dream, for all that we exist in it. We are of the universe, observing the universe. Personally, I don't get what's so hard to grasp about that, but the fact that people see themselves as separate from nature instead of an extension of it is crazy to me. But yes, this means that the universe cares about my haircut because I do. Maybe.
I hear you. Please don't misunderstand. I don't avoid people. I love making connections. I'll spend a whole night screwing around with total strangers like we've known each other all our lives. The next day I've moved on. I don't dwell on what's wrong with that. Maybe I'll wake up soon in a panic at what I've done. I'm in a very odd relationship. I know it may not last forever but I take it one day at a time. I'd go crazy thinking about the future.
To me, this is "making connections" as in networking, not as in laying groundwork for friendships. That takes time. Personally, that's something I've had to make a conscious choice to do. Everyone is different and if it works for you, then cool. I'm convinced that friendship looks different to everyone and so do romantic relationships. Treat time as you will; it does the same to all of us.I'll spend a whole night screwing around with total strangers like we've known each other all our lives. The next day I've moved on.
You've cracked my mask a little. Thanks for a new perspective. It'll be my background for the next week.
That's a great quote, and something I've thought a lot about. I'm sort of the same way with friends. I've never had many, and don't really like having a lot. When I lived in Chicago I had a group of International Relations students that I'd "meet" with a few times a week for Model UN, and we occasionally went out to dinner, but that's about all the socializing I can stand, it just sucks the energy right out of me. Which is weird, since stuff like job interviews and public speaking don't affect me at all, and I actually enjoy that sort of thing - it's less personal, that's probably why.
That's pretty much how I feel too.It just sucks the energy right out of me.
Common saying in our IT department. We all love that show.
I would wait another few days, and try at least once more. Structure your text something like "Hey, it's CashewGuy. I was thinking we could go ________ sometime. Just let me know when's good for you." It clearly identifies you, and isn't so constricting time-wise. If he doesn't bite, that's unfortunate. I'd also recommend trying again in a month, then perhaps in another month. That's spaced out enough so as not to appear bothersome, but if he backs out or doesn't respond after two or three more attempts, it's a shitty situation. The only solid advice I can give you is to try and meet more people. I know that's not easy, and I won't embarrass myself with shitty tips on how to get yourself out there. One thing though, changing up your career (sounds like you could?) is almost guaranteed to gradually yield new relationships.