This is something I feel strongly about, but isn't exactly private either. I'd also love to hear your experiences and opinions. I'm not "grown up" quite yet, at least I don't feel like it. I'm in that awkward phase where I could drive across the country and start a new life if I wanted, even though I have one still ahead of me here. I struggle with school work, but I also struggle with loved ones. I've talked friends out of suicide yet sometimes I've found myself in that position as well. and I can't tell what I want. I don't know what I want to be, I don't even know if I can handle living the "conventional" life it seems I was born into. Maybe I've having a "mid-teen (age 16-19)" crisis, but it really seems like I've felt this way as long as I could form thoughts that stuck around. I want to see the world, not for it's tourist traps and exaggerated representations of reality, but for it's people. People are so magical with our social interactions and our emotions. Without humans, the earth would still be extraordinarily complex, but significantly less so. Sure, you've got your 5,415 species of mammals, the tens of thousands of plants, and so on; but you don't have anything as complex as the feeling of being cheated on, the feeling of being with friends, the feeling of having too much work to do and hating your job, the euphoria of sex (although dolphins would still be around for this), or the feeling of achieving something great, knowing you did something to change the world for millions. Then I always remember, even if everyone suddenly stopped giving birth, and you somehow were able to meet one new person per second, it would still take TWO HUNDRED AND TWENTY ONE years to meet them all. Well beyond your lifetime. Not to mention theirs, as this is assuming no one dies anymore either. After all, your life is just one in seven billion. Whatever joy you feel, pain you endure, it's only one in seven billion. That makes me infinitely sad. Then I remember this and I get even more sad. And as a result, I feel lost. I don't know how something so insignificant as the human life, specifically my human life, can result in happiness. So many people I'll never meet, I really just want to get out there and start meeting them now! Instead, I have to think about College, then getting a Job, then maybe get into a mutually-beneficial relationship with no love involved, then I'll never have time to meet my old friends (if I still remember them), and so on. Wording it that way, it makes me wonder why we don't wish for an earlier death. So sorry, I don't know what I want to be when I grow up :( And sorry for being so depressing. What I can give however, is my biggest fear of "growing up", although it is just as depressing, if not more, than what I wrote above. It's how weak the human capacity for thought and memories is. Hit your head too hard, and you're a completely different person. If you're really unlucky, you may just go crazy. I know this having talked to too many people who've had TBIs. The former comment about going crazy is a reference to this NFL player who killed himself, leaving a note mentioning how much he felt he'd gone mad from all the head trauma, and begging the NFL to improve helmet design so the pain he'd gone through doesn't ever happen again to anyone else... It's an extremely sad story. Everything that makes us, well, US, is as fragile as muscle memory and a few synapses in the brain. Everything we know, every skill we have, the knowledge of everyone we've ever loved and the love we've felt for them, all of it is one bump away from being gone forever. In fact, even decision making isn't the result of your "soul". Maybe some of you once decided to divorce your SO, or maybe you once had to decide whether to keep a loved on on life support. Well, those decisions did not come from the heart. They came from the knowledge and experiences of our life UP TO THAT POINT, and that knowledge and experience ONLY. With that in mind, it makes me realize, that no one is truly evil. Sure no one is good either, but it still is comforting knowing every man or woman who has ever hurt me, hurt you, or hurt anyone only did so out of their nature and their nurture. It was bound to happen, because the universe is just an infinitely complex chain of causes and effects. Most of the time it doesn't even take a bump. Guess what, ageing also does that to you. That's why I'm so afraid of "growing up". It's hard enough to accept that we'll, say, never be children again, or how we'll never re-experience playground adventures or our first kiss (here's some comedic relief; want to know something embarrassing? I've yet to have mine.. :P) but let alone the thought that said memories of the experiences are just as fleeting! Then what? We die? The end? That can't be all there is to life right? Everyday, this seems more and more to be the truth though. Maybe I have more reason to be scared, maybe I'm just paranoid. Once when I was very young (under ten years old), I was on a trip with my parents in Mexico. It was my first time out of country, and from what I remember it was super fun! However, saying "from what I remember" isn't just for dramatic effect, or that it was a long time ago. It was also because I had my first and only TBI myself while on this trip. My Dad took me on a ride along as he played golf, and decided to take a shortcut to the next hole. Now, I love my dad and all, but this was one of his worst ideas. He took the golf cart to a hill that was extremely steep and drove HORIZONTALLY on it. Aaaaaaaand... it flipped. Aaaaaaaaand, my head cracked open. Well, kids heal right? I healed right? I think I did, but almost all my life, I've suffered from severe OCD, depression, and social anxiety. It was never a huge problem for me, as with the help of therapy at a young age and meds to this day I live (what I assume) is an entirely normal life. What worries me is that none of those illnesses run in my family. None of those plagued me before my injury either. And some days, when I forget to take my SSRIs, the fear returns that I ought to do all I can now to enjoy life because one day I'll find myself psychotic, not knowing reality from hallucinations. Some other days, I worry I already am. Maybe you guys don't exist, maybe you do and you guys are all laughing at me behind my back, maybe everyone else is plotting against me to make my life as miserable as can be, maybe maybe maybe maybe. I take my meds and everything is fine again, but it's all too scary for me. Some people worry about their legacy. I'm still here wondering what to even do with my life. Wow, geez sorry for writing all that out but.. wow.
Did it feel good? Writing it out? Writing things down has power. It makes things incarnate. Ursula LeGuin made the conceit in the Earthsea series that you can't do magic on someone or something unless you know its name. The name you're looking for is "fate." I wish I knew everyone's nickname All their slang and all their sayings Every way to show affection How to dress to fit the occasion I wish we all waved… You will walk a tiny percentage of this earth. You will meet a vanishingly small percentage of those who walk it with you. But you will see attack ships on fire of the shoulder of Orion. You shall watch sea beams glitter in the dark near the Tannhauser Gate. And all these moments will be lost in time like tears in rain. So make it count. Those jelly beans of yours. Why make them worry-flavored? You've gotta eat 'em or they'll get stale. Pick the tastiest ones. Because that video of yours? It's a lie. You don't have a limited number of jelly beans. You have a limited stomach and if you choose wisely, your gut will explode from sheer joy of all the delicious jelly beans you consumed. Choose poorly and you'll give up after a couple handfuls of snot-flavored jelly bellies. Fuck that. I firmly believe that you will always regret the things you don't do more than the things you do. Know what? I've never cracked my skull open in a golf cart in Mexico. And maybe that puts me at an organic advantage over you but muthafuckin' fate, yo. It's a river. We all ride it. It bumps some of us up more than others and some of us are goddamn surfing. A lot of it is luck of the draw but a lot of it is determination. Li'l secret: I was deathly afraid of losing my mind until I put a social worker through grad school. She spent her days bouncing Alzheimer's patients from nursing home to nursing home. Her perspective? "Yeah, it sucks when you know you're losing it but after that, Alzheimer's is a great way to go. The people who really suffer are those around you." So hey - maybe you go crazy. At least have fun and go crazy. beats the shit out of moping in fear and going crazy. There's only so much you have control over and worrying about the shit that's beyond your abilities does nothing but cause ulcers. People who are old enough to know better say "high school is the best years of your life." Lemme tell ya - if that happens to be true for them, they fucked up but good. Your future is an unwritten book. You can partition it out into how many jelly beans you spend pooping or you can recognize that we spend so much time feeding our pets because pets are awesome. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, beyotch. Put pen to paper and write yourself a life. Do it up right - you deserve it. And don't worry what anybody else will think… …because they really don't care.
I am essentially going to copy and paste what I said to flagamuffin, so don't get mad! Thank you so much for these words. This poem is especially moving, and your attitude is one definitely worth adopting. This is really the reason why I keep coming back, to have my viewpoints opened so widely. What you've written is motivating beyond belief, so thank you.
LOST LONG POST TO DEAD LINK FRUSTRATION Too Long, Can't Rewrite: There were four points. 1) Not that big of a deal you haven't had your first kiss, have known people in the age range of 24-26 who just lost virginity and just started dating. These people are still good people. 2) That head trauma thing and the mental illnesses? It doesn't matter if that's what caused them. You cannot change the past. You can only deal with the cards you have in the present. Maybe that is what caused them. Maybe it's not. You're probably never going to know. Honestly, knowing you have no family history is reassuring in a way if you ever want to have kids. Think about it: You are pretty sure your genes aren't blighted. You are pretty sure you're not cursing your kid to anything. Isn't that better than knowing, say, you still have 3 years before you know for sure you're not schizophrenic, let alone any potential kids? 3) Forgotten. Whoops. Actually, point #1 was point #2 and same with point 3. Point #1 was "I have been there and had that kind of existential crisis too. Try talking with friends or therapy." except longer and boringer. 4) "Don't sweat the small stuff" but it's not all small stuff. It's all important stuff. Just don't sweat it so much. Emotions are good and exploring yourself is important. Find out what makes you tick and feel a certain way. I called my emotions "stupid" to someone recently and they said: "Stupid does not equal insignificant. Most of what hurts us or flusters us is stupid...Don't tell yourself your feelings are stupid. There are some that need to be parked/packed sooner than others, but they're your heart, one way or another." When she told me that I cried (JUST A TINY BIT GUYS I DON'T HAVE FEELINGS) about something that'd happened a month and a half ago for the first time. It's okay to feel. Just don't let your feelings ride you.
Hey, I just figured out that if you have a dead link and go a page back and hit reply again, your post is still there. At least on Chrome it is. Worth a try the next time you encounter the deadliest of links. edit: you do have to copy-paste into a new post though, but the text is still there.
Just saying, when I get dead links, I click the back button, find the comment I was replying to, and click reply again. With chrome, all the text entered is still there. Seriously. I'm not lying.
You forgot one... -- You know something weird? The first part of your post, about the practically infinite numbers of people out there, the limitless encounters we can all have with each other, the uniqueness we bring to this planet? That makes me so happy. Not sad, not even close. Almost euphoric. In the same way I can't handle thinking about the space beyond space, I really can't even imagine all these people and their fascinating lives, and thank god I can't. I'm glad there's always more going on, no matter how bad (or even good!) things are around me. The collective of humanity is the most fascinating thing ever; I hope you can sort of see my point of view. People are magical -- so celebrate the ones you know and will know, don't mourn the ones you'll never meet. Can I share a semi-relevant poem I wrote once? Fuck it, I'm sharing a poem. Their conversations so varied are lost to my hearing as they turn distant corners So in my mind I tell their stories for them Across the street a sad-faced foreign man selling gyros from behind a shadow He won't make it in time to tuck his children into bed tonight -- he never does Perhaps he won't go home at all, just wander the damp streets lost in dreams On my left a bored policeman, existing only for tourists' pictures I don't like his smile, his shifty, sweating smile -- he won't meet my eyes He knows he isn't doing his job but can't admit it to himself By my side a platinum lady, in heels and clingingly sequined, laughing too much I don't know what she's laughing about -- what the world is laughing about Maybe I'm not in on the secret because I haven't had enough to drink I continue through the lavish square, such a grand dichotomy of lifestyles It makes for interesting stories -- to me I imagine what it means to the people I pass To the street vendor, it means a childhood spent barefoot among the alleyways To the officer, the constant possibility of action -- and failure To the stumbling socialite, selfish in her youth, it means nothing To me? stories, material, memories ... the children of my mindIt's how weak the human capacity for thought and memories is. Hit your head too hard, and you're a completely different person. If you're really unlucky, you may just go crazy. I know this having talked to too many people who've had TBIs. The former comment about going crazy is a reference to this NFL player who killed himself, leaving a note mentioning how much he felt he'd gone mad from all the head trauma, and begging the NFL to improve helmet design so the pain he'd gone through doesn't ever happen again to anyone else... It's an extremely sad story.
The brightly-lit faces of the passers-by are illuminated by the city lights
Thank you! Just hearing your thoughts on this makes me really happy. Being alive truly is a gift, and I didn't mean to make it out to be all negative, it's just to someone really just getting a taste of what's out there, it can be quite overwhelming. In these past few years, I really have had my first few tastes of loss, rejection, failure, but it really is overshadowed by all the joys life has to bring. The negativity is not so much about life as it is now for me, but rather uncertainty of what the future has to bring. Threads about later stages of life really get to me the most. For instance, Askreddit threads asking "Older members, what are your regrets?" or "What do you wish you could experience again the most?" and other iterations. Life is not all bad at all though! The phrase "The reason we struggle with insecurity is because we compare our behind-the-scenes with everyone else’s highlight reel" is more flexible than we think, and it really is a powerful concept. Those threads specifically poke for people's regrets, but what we're not hearing are the memories they remember fondly! We're not hearing the joy of seeing their children speak their first words, the joy of a lifetime's worth of arts and books, and so on. Honestly, what I want most from futurology is a better, more consistent, more complete way of experiencing the life of another individual. A machine that allows me to instantly relive the life of someone else, in all its glory. Feel all their pain, sorrow, and regret, but also all their excitement, pride, laughter, etc.
Hopefully all within the matter of seconds in real time. I think understanding each other and recognizing everyone as a beautiful part of nature (even if you'll never meet them) is the key to peace; sometime I can't fathom people who are self-centered to the point where they don't even acknowledge others as equals. It doesn't anger me, it just confuses me. This machine would work infinitely better than biogrophies, books, etc. and I think it would be one large step to world peace. Or, maybe it'll make people go mad and make them feel infinitesimally worthless. I don't know. Thank you for your words, and the beautiful poem.