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gordonz88's profile
gordonz88




Hello!

I've been on hubski over a year now (wow, that's like 20 years relative to internet time?), and it still surprises me how great of a community this is.

Well, school's been rough but I'm back from my hiatus, and feeling better too. We all go through rough patches sometimes, eh? We all have our own stories?

Things I like to do are:

-Listen to those stories! I love hearing where people come from, what makes them who they are. We're all the stars of our own movie, each one more interesting than the last. Tell me about yourself, and if you want I can tell you about me!

-Play and teach guitar! I tutor with Seattle Music Partners, an organization that offers free weekly lessons with public school students in Seattle! If you're in the area and play an instrument, it's a great way to give back, and the bond your form with your student is very rewarding.

-Forensics! Not the badass crime kind, but the public speaking kind. I have quite a bit of history with debate, especially Lincoln-Douglas, and that has given me a lifetime's appreciation of philosophy, open mindedness, skepticism, rational thought, and even equality.

-Science! I'm not a scientist (yet), but there's nothing more interesting to me than a brand new step towards the singularity, the history of an animal's DNA, a brand new gadget, or just about anything that I can't think of right now.

-And lastly, I like each and every one of you! Thanks for making this a great place to stay!

Shoot me a message anytime! I love to discuss!


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Aww, I'm touched but I actually have very little design skills. I was merely a fan of the blue ones, and still have them pasted all around.

gordonz88  ·  link  ·  parent  ·  post: Creepypasta

Sometimes I think creepypastas are the best thing to come out of the Internet..

Then when I can't sleep at night I think they might be the worst thing to come out of the Internet

Then I remember not being able to sleep at night is exactly what makes it the best thing on the Internet.

I am essentially going to copy and paste what I said to flagamuffin, so don't get mad!

Thank you so much for these words. This poem is especially moving, and your attitude is one definitely worth adopting. This is really the reason why I keep coming back, to have my viewpoints opened so widely. What you've written is motivating beyond belief, so thank you.

Thank you! Just hearing your thoughts on this makes me really happy. Being alive truly is a gift, and I didn't mean to make it out to be all negative, it's just to someone really just getting a taste of what's out there, it can be quite overwhelming. In these past few years, I really have had my first few tastes of loss, rejection, failure, but it really is overshadowed by all the joys life has to bring. The negativity is not so much about life as it is now for me, but rather uncertainty of what the future has to bring. Threads about later stages of life really get to me the most. For instance, Askreddit threads asking "Older members, what are your regrets?" or "What do you wish you could experience again the most?" and other iterations.

Life is not all bad at all though! The phrase "The reason we struggle with insecurity is because we compare our behind-the-scenes with everyone else’s highlight reel" is more flexible than we think, and it really is a powerful concept. Those threads specifically poke for people's regrets, but what we're not hearing are the memories they remember fondly! We're not hearing the joy of seeing their children speak their first words, the joy of a lifetime's worth of arts and books, and so on.

Honestly, what I want most from futurology is a better, more consistent, more complete way of experiencing the life of another individual.

A machine that allows me to instantly relive the life of someone else, in all its glory. Feel all their pain, sorrow, and regret, but also all their excitement, pride, laughter, etc. Hopefully all within the matter of seconds in real time.

I think understanding each other and recognizing everyone as a beautiful part of nature (even if you'll never meet them) is the key to peace; sometime I can't fathom people who are self-centered to the point where they don't even acknowledge others as equals. It doesn't anger me, it just confuses me. This machine would work infinitely better than biogrophies, books, etc. and I think it would be one large step to world peace.

Or, maybe it'll make people go mad and make them feel infinitesimally worthless. I don't know.

Thank you for your words, and the beautiful poem.

This is something I feel strongly about, but isn't exactly private either. I'd also love to hear your experiences and opinions.

I'm not "grown up" quite yet, at least I don't feel like it. I'm in that awkward phase where I could drive across the country and start a new life if I wanted, even though I have one still ahead of me here. I struggle with school work, but I also struggle with loved ones. I've talked friends out of suicide yet sometimes I've found myself in that position as well. and I can't tell what I want. I don't know what I want to be, I don't even know if I can handle living the "conventional" life it seems I was born into. Maybe I've having a "mid-teen (age 16-19)" crisis, but it really seems like I've felt this way as long as I could form thoughts that stuck around. I want to see the world, not for it's tourist traps and exaggerated representations of reality, but for it's people. People are so magical with our social interactions and our emotions. Without humans, the earth would still be extraordinarily complex, but significantly less so. Sure, you've got your 5,415 species of mammals, the tens of thousands of plants, and so on; but you don't have anything as complex as the feeling of being cheated on, the feeling of being with friends, the feeling of having too much work to do and hating your job, the euphoria of sex (although dolphins would still be around for this), or the feeling of achieving something great, knowing you did something to change the world for millions.

Then I always remember, even if everyone suddenly stopped giving birth, and you somehow were able to meet one new person per second, it would still take TWO HUNDRED AND TWENTY ONE years to meet them all. Well beyond your lifetime. Not to mention theirs, as this is assuming no one dies anymore either. After all, your life is just one in seven billion. Whatever joy you feel, pain you endure, it's only one in seven billion.

That makes me infinitely sad.

Then I remember this and I get even more sad.

And as a result, I feel lost. I don't know how something so insignificant as the human life, specifically my human life, can result in happiness.

So many people I'll never meet, I really just want to get out there and start meeting them now! Instead, I have to think about College, then getting a Job, then maybe get into a mutually-beneficial relationship with no love involved, then I'll never have time to meet my old friends (if I still remember them), and so on. Wording it that way, it makes me wonder why we don't wish for an earlier death.

So sorry, I don't know what I want to be when I grow up :(

And sorry for being so depressing.

What I can give however, is my biggest fear of "growing up", although it is just as depressing, if not more, than what I wrote above.

It's how weak the human capacity for thought and memories is. Hit your head too hard, and you're a completely different person. If you're really unlucky, you may just go crazy. I know this having talked to too many people who've had TBIs. The former comment about going crazy is a reference to this NFL player who killed himself, leaving a note mentioning how much he felt he'd gone mad from all the head trauma, and begging the NFL to improve helmet design so the pain he'd gone through doesn't ever happen again to anyone else... It's an extremely sad story.

Everything that makes us, well, US, is as fragile as muscle memory and a few synapses in the brain.

Everything we know, every skill we have, the knowledge of everyone we've ever loved and the love we've felt for them, all of it is one bump away from being gone forever. In fact, even decision making isn't the result of your "soul". Maybe some of you once decided to divorce your SO, or maybe you once had to decide whether to keep a loved on on life support. Well, those decisions did not come from the heart. They came from the knowledge and experiences of our life UP TO THAT POINT, and that knowledge and experience ONLY. With that in mind, it makes me realize, that no one is truly evil. Sure no one is good either, but it still is comforting knowing every man or woman who has ever hurt me, hurt you, or hurt anyone only did so out of their nature and their nurture. It was bound to happen, because the universe is just an infinitely complex chain of causes and effects.

Most of the time it doesn't even take a bump. Guess what, ageing also does that to you. That's why I'm so afraid of "growing up". It's hard enough to accept that we'll, say, never be children again, or how we'll never re-experience playground adventures or our first kiss (here's some comedic relief; want to know something embarrassing? I've yet to have mine.. :P) but let alone the thought that said memories of the experiences are just as fleeting!

Then what? We die? The end? That can't be all there is to life right? Everyday, this seems more and more to be the truth though.

Maybe I have more reason to be scared, maybe I'm just paranoid. Once when I was very young (under ten years old), I was on a trip with my parents in Mexico. It was my first time out of country, and from what I remember it was super fun! However, saying "from what I remember" isn't just for dramatic effect, or that it was a long time ago. It was also because I had my first and only TBI myself while on this trip. My Dad took me on a ride along as he played golf, and decided to take a shortcut to the next hole. Now, I love my dad and all, but this was one of his worst ideas. He took the golf cart to a hill that was extremely steep and drove HORIZONTALLY on it. Aaaaaaaand... it flipped. Aaaaaaaaand, my head cracked open.

Well, kids heal right? I healed right? I think I did, but almost all my life, I've suffered from severe OCD, depression, and social anxiety. It was never a huge problem for me, as with the help of therapy at a young age and meds to this day I live (what I assume) is an entirely normal life. What worries me is that none of those illnesses run in my family. None of those plagued me before my injury either.

And some days, when I forget to take my SSRIs, the fear returns that I ought to do all I can now to enjoy life because one day I'll find myself psychotic, not knowing reality from hallucinations.

Some other days, I worry I already am. Maybe you guys don't exist, maybe you do and you guys are all laughing at me behind my back, maybe everyone else is plotting against me to make my life as miserable as can be, maybe maybe maybe maybe.

I take my meds and everything is fine again, but it's all too scary for me.

Some people worry about their legacy. I'm still here wondering what to even do with my life.

Wow, geez sorry for writing all that out but.. wow.

Hahaha, maybe I'll give this a shot

Haha, Muggle!

Wow, when everyone's going "I'm so old" this makes me go "I'm so young!"

What a change in atmosphere.

gordonz88  ·  link  ·  parent  ·  post: What's up Hubski?

I'm still in Seattle, and, well I don't know if anyone still cares, but I'm not quite where I thought I'd be, in life and otherwise. I'm sorry about the huge hiatus I've taken, but I never thought a year could make such a difference on me, but when you've only been alive for so many of them I guess it's a given.

Well, I guess it's time to change my site bio eh?

It's not bad, really it's just odd how much you think you might know yourself only to have it all turn upside down in a matter of months.

You know, it really hasn't been raining all that much here though.

Halloween is over so all that's left here are clouds and cold, but thankfully I think it's the perfect weather to walk alone and think in.

You know what the worst part is? The thought that since I'm constantly reevaluating my personhood, I can't ever see myself finding a friend, let alone a partner, that I can relate with forever. I know it's a terrible thing to say, but sometimes I wish I'd just grow up.

gordonz88  ·  link  ·  parent  ·  post: Pokémon Noir (cont.)

Just as amazing as last time.

gordonz88  ·  link  ·  parent  ·  post: What are your songs of summer?

Just about to say :), well new music is always welcome in my book.

gordonz88  ·  link  ·  parent  ·  post: The F**k-It List

I'm glad I've learned the importance of living for myself, because only then can I truly care for everyone else.

I'm glad I've taken the time to mold a lasting sense of curiosity and thirst for knowledge my entire life.

I'm glad I've learned to cook healthy, and that I for the most part live an active life.

I'm glad I've come to terms with the fact that I do not know everything and never will, and can only dedicate myself to being kind.

We're all constantly confused, just a little less every day as we try to find ourselves.

I don't really know if you can say it's the OCD that causes the flaws, at the root of it it just depends on the person's character.

In my freshman year of high school I was diagnosed with severe OCD by one of the better doctors in Seattle, and it was even said that the next step up would be so extreme that it would've been recommended I pull out of school.

However, as severe as my symptoms were, part of my mindset was to not inconvenience others or ever be unkind, and as a result most people couldn't even tell that I had the disorder.

Granted, it did end up making me more shy and withheld than I wanted to be, but even as people got to know be better I'd still try to be that nice guy who's there to help and listen, even if I wasn't in a position too. I'd never dream of boastingly beating people in arm wrestling, I don't think that stems from OCD but instead I think that stems from a narcisstic character.

Likewise, I also have (what I assume to be) a realistic sense expectations, and wouldn't say I could publish a book in a year unless I reasonablly could. I don't think that stems from OCD but instead from a unrealistic character.

I'm sure he could've been a better person, OCD or not, and just didn't try to.

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