I don't even know how successful this thread is gonna be, but frankly, I'm hot under the collar and would like to rant a little bit. Maybe only one person will see this, maybe no one will care or share. I just want to get this off my chest. I am lit, and when I say that I mean pissed.
So tonight I was out at this really awesome bar in Filthadelphia, listening to this really cool band, Cloud Cult. Don't know if you've heard of them; Love You All and Story of the Grandson of Jesus are personal faves. Anyway, I'm there with my brother as I'm single and don't have an easily available partner to go with, and he likes indie music pretty much the way I do.
Well we're the bar and one of the bartenders, a female, is a little chunky. I absolutely wouldn't even call her fat. My brother, who is a shallow bastard, asks me if I think she is pregnant. I insist she is not and he comments that he would never ask anyone if they are pregnant anyway, even if he thought they were, as you just shouldn't comment on whether a woman is pregnant or not (in case they get offended).
Two drinks later my brother is asking the other two bartenders (male) if the female bartender is pregnant. She overhears. Evidently, she probably overheard our earlier conversation, too, because immediately she comes over and starts asking my brother if he has a problem. In fact, I quote, "What's your fucking problem, man? You got a problem?" After the fact my brother said he was surprised she didn't hit him. Frankly I am too.
My brother skulks a bit away from the bar. The show was sold out so he couldn't get far. After like, five minutes, DURING WHICH THE FEMALE BARTENDER IS DRINKING, CLEARLY UPSET, AND BITCHING ABOUT WHAT MY BROTHER'S JUST SAID, my brother leans over towards me and goes, "But that was hilarious, right?"
Very loudly. I am certain the bartenders overheard.
During all of this, all of my brother's drinks are going on MY TAB. MY TAB is the tab that's open, I'M the one getting charged for his drinks, and to top it all off, MY JACKET IS BEHIND THE BAR because one of the other bartenders was nice to me earlier and let me hang it there. In fact, I finish my drink, ask for another one from one of the male bartenders, and he gestures towards the female bartender and tells me she will get my drink.
Well, she will certainly not get my drink. She saw me clearly there with my brother and will not even catch my eye.
So I am stuck closing out the tab, collecting my jacket, and trying to yell at my fucking asshole of a brother. I ended up leaving a 35% tip and writing a note of apology on the receipt for my asshole brother.
This whole thing wouldn't have mattered to me as much if it wasn't for the fact that he was there with me, and since he was on my tab, I was being perceived as responsible for his actions and (potentially) condoning them. Even more unfortunately, I had kind of been hitting it off with one of the bartenders, and my brother pulled a huge cockblock and made me look terrible. I tried to make it clear I didn't condone his actions and even gave him a bit of a dressing-down at the bar but I doubt it helped.
As it is I pretty much yelled at him for the 45 minute drive home, but he's still trying to convince himself it was kind of hilarious.
So, hubski. Help me get it off my chest. When was someone an asshole to you? What can I do except maybe rant about it?
We even left the fucking show early. There was no recovery from that one. I'm really pissed.
Sorry for the rant, you guise.
So here's the lesson for next time: The only person who can do anything about your brother's behavior is you. There's a reason everyone was frosty. Yes, your brother is an asshole. But when it came down to whether or not you - the person who knows him, who was clearly aware that he was an asshole - were going to do anything about it, the answer was NO. It's your job, as your brother's keeper, to be a buzzkill in situations like these. It is necessary to chastise him for his behavior in places those who are offended can see. This is why parents make their children apologize to the old ladies that get trampled in exuberant cases of tag or red rover. As members of the service industry, bartenders - as cgod pointed out - must deal with assholes on an hourly basis. My seven years in clubs taught me that those in the service industry appreciate it when they do not have to go it alone. While you weren't condoning your brother's behavior, you weren't exactly condemning it. If it's any consolation, the grade of assholery committed by your brother is pretty much misdemeanor territory... but that also means that you didn't really face any penalties for keeping him under control. I don't know if there are any service staff left who do not know Swanson's #32 - a person who is nice to you but is rude to the waiter is not a nice person. Condoning rudeness is rudeness. One other thing - even if you had been hitting it off gangbusters with one of the bartenders, the likelihood of anything happening was nil. Bartenders date people who aren't bartenders all the time but I never met one who dated a customer they met while working. However, had you done the right thing and shut your brother down on the spot, she probably would have remembered you. This probably reads like I'm coming down on you like a ton of bricks. I'm not. I'm trying to make clear that you feel bad about this because you feel responsible and you're trying to figure out how that could be. Here's your answer - by not shutting him down where he could feel shamed in front of others, you're risking the possibility that he'll do it again. You banked immediate uncomfortableness so that you could withdraw it (with interest) next time. And there will be a next time. And when it happens, it's your job to say 'Hey, bro? Seriously not cool. You can either shut the fuck up about the bartender or you can walk home. By the way? I'm tabbing out and you're buying the rest of the drinks in this place and you're tipping heavily or I'm going to tell her that you wet the bed until you were eleven." And every time you do that it gets easier and easier and easier and before too long, you're no longer victimized by the asshole behavior of others around you because you've long since learned to shut that shit down before it becomes a problem. God speed, good luck.
I appreciate this post. Not the easiest read, but certainly helpful and good advice. I'm trying to figure out how to deal with my brother going forward. Right now my solution is that we're not going to concerts together for a bit. Unfortunately when I tried to address the issue with him today he is being even worse and I think trying to antagonize me, so I've been ignoring him. Of course, there is also the "if he is an asshole when he is with you in the future, even when not at concerts, call him out on it" approach that you have recommended and I agree with that as well. (Side note: as for the bartender...yeah, I know haha. I like to flirt with bartenders. I think expecting any more out of it is a bit of rookie mistake.)
I always flirt with bartenders. If you do it right, they're generous. If you do it wrong, they let you know. I love the game, even if I don't get to play for keeps any more. The grand take on all this is that you aren't entirely comfortable with your brother's behavior. That may never change. You owe it to yourself, however, to make sure you don't get any on you in the future. That's part of maturing to adulthood - making dispassionate decisions about family. Good luck. My own family is a mess. It's far easier for me to give this advice than follow it.
As a bartender, if your brother said that to one of my coworkers and they were pissed I would have nicely asked him to leave. If he said it to me I probably would have told him to fuck himself and not worried about it. The note is a good decent thing to leave but going directly to the lady your brother insulted and telling her that you are very sorry, your brother is a total asshole, you'll never bring him there again and you couldn't be more embarrassed to be related to him would make going to that bar again much easier. Bartenders deal with assholes every day. Some will despise a whole party for the sins of one person, others understand that this kind of stuff is isolated to one individual. If it's a rough one I can shamefully be the kind of bartender that doesn't differentiate, but generally I'm ready separate the wheat from the chaff. That being said without a direct apology from one of you, I'd probably under-pour the both of you. People have said some really hideous shit to me while tending bar and I've just let it slide by, hope this lady gets over it, she should have kicked his ass out.
but he's still trying to convince himself it was kind of hilarious.
That might be the most painful part of the story. He's your brother and you have an unresolved difference of opinion about what is appropriate behaviour (even while drinking) and what crosses the line. If he sobers up and sees/admits his contribution to the unpleasant situation, then you will be able to feel safe around him. If he does not see his contribution to the situation, you begin to disconnect from him. I suspect, though, that the disconnection began earlier and you had some idea of his behaviour. So, my question is this: Were you surprised at this or did you have some kind of clue from past incidents?
Tell Me A Story Of When Someone Was An Asshole
Here's my story of when someone was an asshole, since you asked: Am I an Ass?
I like that story. Thanks for sharing. Unfortunately, in the clear light of morning, I believe my brother has now devolved into being offensive and even more of an asshole to egg me on. I had always known my brother was superficial and I have also known he can be an ass, but I can't say I ever anticipated that he would publicly insult a stranger. He was feeling a bit bad about it last night when I was dressing him down in the car, but his defense strategy is to insist that something is HILARIOUS, even when it's awful. In order to not feel bad about it, I suppose. (Hey, I'm not saying it's healthy behavior.) So I feel like this is a lot of shitty qualities in my brother coming out and snowballing. We have two concerts planned in the next two months and I don't think I'm bringing him. (I pay for things up front and he pays me back, usually, so I have both sets of tickets.) Anyway, thanks again for the comment.
I think that ranting on the internet about something that bothers you in a place where others can offer commiseration and perspective as well as opinions on what happened can be a good thing. It can help distance you enough from the situation to think about what happened and what might be done the next time something like that happens again. Since you asked for stories about when people were assholes to us, I'll tell one about some minor assholery. Yesterday I was grabbing some food before I got on my train out of Boston, where I'd seen The Presidents of the United States of America the night previous. They are really, really good live and interact with the audience really well. Anyway, that night my friend introduced me to a cocktail called a French 75 which is delicious and refreshing. Then, we got on the moonshine and at the show a whole mess of Jameson. So, hungover as shit, I go to get a breakfast sandwich and of course some hashbrowns, because if I have a weakness, it is hashbrowns. Especially crappy fast food hashbrowns. By all accounts I walk quickly. I check the time and see that I have a few minutes until breakfast service ends and just as I was about to hit the counter a rather . . . grossly overweight college student barrels in and shoves me aside with her massive bulk and orders the remaining three hashbrowns. She even gave me a look as she walked away eating them. I was bummed out, but shit, if you're willing to shove a dude aside to get the remaining three hashbrowns, then your piggy little fingers are welcome to the mind controlling transfats they're steeped in. I just hope she gets poop in her next sandwich. To get back to your story, it sounds like your brother is embarrassed and trying to cover it up by claiming it was hilarious, which is lame. Responsibility for one's actions is definitely not lame. I don't know if you've ever tended bar, but sometimes it feels like you're in a cage and there's slack-jawed yokels throwing peanuts at you. If you don't learn to let things slide to a point, it'll grind you down quick. Anyway, I think kleinbl00 has some good points. Especially in saying that you need to make it clear to your brother that it's not cool what he did and that what he did affects other people, like yourself. I know that if I saw someone else recognize a shitty situation and take initiative to correct it or at least draw attention to it, I'd be grateful.
Thanks for the response, humanodon! I figured I might end up deleting this thread when I woke up this morning (really didn't think it would garner this much attention) but I'm glad it's still up and for the feedback I've been getting. I appreciate hearing your story, too.
Cool! You know, I like this post because it's very human in a way that I think is sometimes not on display on hubski. From my feed, there's a lot of great talk about technology and economics and other intellectual abstraction, but I wish there were a bit more of what's going on in people's heads on an emotional level, so I'm glad to see some of that.
I don't even know how successful this thread is gonna be
chances are if it is interesting to you, it's interesting to a few others. You can never tell on hubski. I'll tell you something that helped get interest, perhaps as much as your anger and passion - your description of the situation brought us all into the bar - so even those of us who might not have been to a noisy, flirty, crowded, loud live music show... we had a good sense of it complete with sound effects (your music links), and phrases like "my brother skulks a bit away from the bar" brought the camera very close. (So that's my meta-analysis, do you agree thenewgreen?)
I think that people like catching glimpses of other people's lives, especially when it is well written and relevant to their own. We all have a brother, a friend, a co-worker or someone else that has put us in a compromising situation and it's good to know we are not alone in these things. My own brother would never be that cruel, but he can certainly be an arrogant s.o.b at times. -as can I. I'm sure I've embarrassed him before and I'm certain that he has me.
Family is family. Sometimes you love them, and sometimes you hate them. I'm sure the bartender will get over it. But your brother is still your brother. I'd say probably let it go for now, but also don't be afraid to always remind him when he's being a cock.