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comment by Creativity
Creativity  ·  2206 days ago  ·  link  ·    ·  parent  ·  post: Pubski: July 15, 2015

I've been friends with her for four years. Recently, I started seeing her 1-1 and I thought I would be able to maintain our relation as it was : just friends. But I started having feelings for her. I really don't know what to do. She's smart, funny, friendly and extremely beautiful and I'm going to tell her tomorrow what I feel because I will not live with that "what if [...]" in my head. It's probably going to be very awkward. She's probably not going to understand but I have to be honest about my feelings. Emotions are really not my area of expertise and I'm probably going to spend some shitty weeks after that if it goes down the wrong way.

b_b  ·  2206 days ago  ·  link  ·  

Dude, no!

Don't confess your feelings. Ever. Under any circumstances.

Ask her out directly and honestly. And if she says no, just say it was something that crossed your mind, but no big deal.

Honesty is the best policy, but only when presented in a way that is attractive. Women want to be taken out on real dates. They don't want the pressure of someone who's in love with them from minute one. I don't know how old you are, so I'm not lecturing you specifically, but this is something that's lost on our current youth. (Looking at you galen; I saw your post, bro; fuck snapchat, call your girl and tell her you're going to take her somewhere---anywhere dammit, but a real place to do real things in the real world!).

insomniasexx  ·  2206 days ago  ·  link  ·  

Yes yes yes to everything about this.

OftenBen  ·  2206 days ago  ·  link  ·  

    Honesty is the best policy, but only when presented in a way that is attractive. Women want to be taken out on real dates. They don't want the pressure of someone who's in love with them from minute one.

Man I wish I had gotten this drummed into my head at a younger age. Would have saved me a lot of time and heartbreak.

Creativity  ·  2206 days ago  ·  link  ·  

We went to eat at night two times in the last two weeks (just the two of us). I'm seeing her tomorrow in an afterwork thing, she invited me. The thing is, I feel like it's always in a friend-setting and to change that mindset, I feel like I have to tell her my feelings towards her or it's not going to change. I don't sms/snapchat her except for asking her out to dinner (but I think in her mind it's a friendly dinner, not a date, as it was for me too before I had feelings for her).

I'm 22.

tigrennatenn  ·  2206 days ago  ·  link  ·  

| People want to be taken out on real dates. They don't want the pressure of someone who's in love with them from minute one.


b_b  ·  2206 days ago  ·  link  ·  

You think? There are lots of people with lots of diverse tastes out there, but for a boiler plate hetero relationship, I think this still holds. Would love to hear your thoughts about your specific situation, however, if you feel like sharing.

tigrennatenn  ·  2205 days ago  ·  link  ·  

As a woman who has asked a number of guys out... Confessions are awkward. Asking people out is less awkward. (Though it can have bad effects on a friendship sometimes too. IME closer friends are less likely to have their friendship destroyed by it though.)

Also, it's just kind of a pet peeve of mine when people give advice about "women" when what they're saying is really "for best results, treat this woman as a person." A lot of things aren't that specific, you know? There are some generalizations you can make about people of different genders, but IMO a lot of the best dating advice is of the form "treat this person how you would want to be treated, were you in that situation."

And I'm pretty sure having someone confess their love to you, when you don't feel the same way, is just uncomfortable regardless of your gender. Whereas having them ask you out is a little bit easier to move past because it's a smaller escalation of the relationship.

galen  ·  2206 days ago  ·  link  ·  

    I will almost certainly ask her out soon.
kleinbl00  ·  2206 days ago  ·  link  ·    ·  

The more bravely and confidently you handle this, the less awkward it will be. "Uhm, yeah, I know we've, like, been friends for a long time but, uh, I kind of, er, want, like, more. I think. Uhm." is going to be terrible even if she feels the same. "I'm having a really hard time not thinking about you and I'll hate myself forever if I don't try for more" will plant a seed even if she shoots you down.

And if she shoots you down? Don't be awkward, don't be weird, but don't for a minute pretend you're going to let things go back to what they were. People think that relationships are like glass - you have to break them to make them something else. They aren't. She might turn you down this time but if you believe in yourself and let her see it, you'll get another chance. And maybe another. And eventually she'll succumb.

I knew my wife for nine years before we started dating. Shit, I was her second husband.

Creativity  ·  2206 days ago  ·  link  ·  

Thanks a lot kleinbl00. I'm definitely going to try to handle this the best I can.

I like the thought about planting the idea in her head even if it's a long shot. It's worth a try.

War  ·  2206 days ago  ·  link  ·  

This is a very familiar scenario hope it all works out dude.