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comment by thenewgreen
thenewgreen  ·  2536 days ago  ·  link  ·    ·  parent  ·  post: America's struggle  ·  

I think that preference exists and racist exclusion exists too. To say, "I'd never date a black girl," to me is racial exclusion. To say, I prefer blonde hair is preference. Our preferences tend to be a byproduct of past experiences. That's just a fact. You grew up next to a gorgeous girl with red hair and always dreamed of kissing her... but never did. Guess what? You're likely to have an attraction for redheads. Still, if you're not interested in forging new experiences, you're stuck only preferring a small subset of the opposite sex. Your loss.

If you grew up only eating McDonalds, you're likely to eat similarly as an adult. Guess what dude? There's a HUGE banquet out there, with many flavors, shapes, sizes etc. and they're all worth getting to know. Humans can be awesome, all hues of them. My advice to anyone reading is to take the time to get to know as many as you can, regardless of ethnicity. Attraction is born out of interaction.

kleinbl00  ·  2536 days ago  ·  link  ·  


"I'd never date a black girl" generally means "I don't find any of the black girls currently in front of me attractive enough to risk my self-esteem on them." Dating across races requires a little bit of daring, a little bit of xenophilia. Far easier to say "I do not wish to be rejected by an other that I do not fully understand. Far easier to stick with what I know."

However, it generally means this from people who do not understand that by dismissing someone based on race, they are dismissing that race, not the individual or individuals in front of them. By attempting to spare everyone the personal rejection, they have created the general rejection.

I'll admit it - I've never dated anyone black. Hell - there was one black girl in my entire school district and I wouldn't have dated her if she were white. So in a way, I definitely grew up only eating McDonald's. But hot diggity damn I have been surrounded by stunningly attractive black women.

Just never when I've been single, dammit.

It takes more confidence to not only risk rejection, but risk rejection outside of your typical understanding. I think that the conflation of "taste" and "race" is subconscious and unintentional, and I don't think it's likely to go away.

That is, until all that's left is various shades of mocha.

thenewgreen  ·  2536 days ago  ·  link  ·  

    It takes more confidence to not only risk rejection, but risk rejection outside of your typical understanding.
this is definitely true and something you tend to recognize, unfortunately, later in life. I had a fantastic experience with a wonderful woman that happened to be African American when I was twenty. I grew up in the whitest town you could imagine and prior to me meeting Jessica, because of my experience I wouldn't have thought that I'd be interested in an African American girl. But she was interesting, smart and GORGEOUS and I really liked her a lot. She ended up breaking it off with me but I enjoyed our time together.

Since then, I've had a MUCH more open mind in regards to what is and is not appealing.

Aside from my being a spoken for man, there is LITERALLY not a race, ethnicity or "type" that I would out of hand reject. That's just ridiculous. As Michener says, "The world is my home." -Why would I voluntarily close off any part of it?

_refugee_  ·  2534 days ago  ·  link  ·  

I mean, who says "Sorry I only like vanilla" without at least trying a few other flavors of ice cream?

_refugee_  ·  2534 days ago  ·  link  ·  

Love the food comparison. That drew a very clear and vivid parallel for me to people who refuse to try new foods, or rather specifically, those people that grow up on 3 different food items and as adults refuse to eat anything else (chicken nuggets for ex.).

Also, if someone(A) would refuse to date someone(B) because their hair color wasn't the one color that (A) preferred, I find that a very clear statement about what (A) cares about in potential mates: their looks and only their looks. "Sorry, blondes, you could be totally perfect for me in every way, but because of your hair, I'm going to refuse to date you. I'm just not attracted to it. '

Ugh. If you meet the perfect person and she is blonde or brown or one leg is shorter than the other or she wears glasses and you didn't think you liked glasses or she is taller than you or she is shorter than you or she has a really high pitched voice, I think you are dumb for letting that factor stop you. No one is perfect, no one is going to check off every box on your list especially if some of those boxes are things totally out of anyone's control.

Guys who don't date women who are taller than them are insecure about their height. Women who won't date shorter probably are too. I have dated tall and short and in between. Guess what! Someone's height has BASICALLY NO IMPACT on whether you get along with them. I have never broken up with a guy and thought, "Well, if only he were taller, maybe..." or "I'm never dating a tall man again, they're all assholes" or "Man, you know what the worst thing about him was? He was shorter than me!"

It's funny how people try to make physical attraction and beauty out to be the most #1 important thing in their partner, yet it is the quality over which everyone has the least control. I can learn more, earn more, work harder, be kinder, whatever, if I want to be. I can alter my behavior. But everyone gives people a chance (or not) based on looks and unless you get plastic surgery your general face-ness and body-ness is fixed at birth.

Everyone wants to pick someone who won the genetic lottery but the thing is the lottery is at least 75% chance. The quality of having 'won the jackpot' has literally nothing to do with the actual person inside that actual body and skin. The only thing the jackpot bestows is increased attention of would-be sexual/romantic partners.

It is like cars. Some people want the most expensive/prettiest/whatever cars because it is important to them that everyone else know they can afford it or whatever. Some people show off and shore up their ego by way of their little red sports car. They wanna show that their dick is bigger.

Get over it.

One of my favorite men used to shut down the "who has the biggest dick"-style discussions that would spring up between him and his friends, by announcing that his was small. Had to be the smallest in the room. With a smile and twinkle in his eye. He was secure. And it shut everyone else up thank god.

thenewgreen  ·  2533 days ago  ·  link  ·  

    One of my favorite men used to shut down the "who has the biggest dick"-style discussions that would spring up between him and his friends
-I'm a guy, have been my whole life. I have lots of guy friends. I don't think I've ever had this conversation with them.
_refugee_  ·  2533 days ago  ·  link  ·  

Yeah, I'm not saying it's a universal male experience, but rather one that happened commonly among his group of male friends.

(And as I think on it, I'm not even going to say I ever knew those friends of his enough to be able to say they were good people or douches. I have to say that that conversational trope does make them seem a little hypermasculine and overly competitive.)

ButterflyEffect  ·  2536 days ago  ·  link  ·  

A rare bfx badge appears.

You managed to incorporate McDonalds into that which is pretty fantastic, but the badge disclaimer is more that I badged this because of how overwhelmingly positive that second paragraph is. I hope it's something more people read, because it is such an inclusive and genuine way of looking at the world. If I saw this 8 months ago it would have been a major put-off, but now it's exactly the kind of way I've started looking at things (and part of that is from reading The Power of Now, so thanks again for that one). Exclusion breeds exclusion, the more groups you throw blanket statements over the more self-serving and insular that behavior becomes. Life live, it's too short, get to know everyone.

NoTroop  ·  2535 days ago  ·  link  ·  

I have interacted with plenty of people with blonde hair, and plenty of girls taller than me, and even after all of that interaction I still don't feel attracted to any of them. Would it be better for me to broaden the types of people I hang out with? Absolutely. But, it's not like if you have a gay man interact with women for a long time he will suddenly become straight. Preferences are very much biology.

_refugee_  ·  2534 days ago  ·  link  ·  

Imagine if everyone started ruling out groups of people based on physical characteristics they'd observed in the people they weren't attracted to.

I mean, i guess that means I can't date guys, my dad has a dick and I don't find him attractive.

Fucked on girls too, I'm not interested in the slightest in my mother.

Even if you wanna go less extreme, let's just consider this:

- I have never dated/been attracted to anyone younger than me, does that mean from now on (10 years of dating experience) I should just ask someone their birthday and rule them out?

- I have never dated/been attracted to anyone in a frat, does that mean I should refuse to date all men in frats?

- Never dated a redhead, should I rule all of them out? Freckles? Curly hair?

It's a terrible, illogical idea to start drawing sweeping conclusions about what you like and don't like because you have not found yourself liking it before. Having never consciously been inclined towards something does not mean you never will be. It just means it hasn't happened for you yet. Maybe it will or won't, but in the meantime you're being super close-minded.

Why would anyone want to limit their options like that, I just don't get it. I certainly would not deliberately pick people one after the other that fit a very specific mold, physical attraction, personality, whatever. I am put off by people who remind me of certain exes. If I was deliberately choosing from an even narrower pool of candidates I think I would just be reminded of my exes all the time. No, I know why things didn't work with my ex; time to try something different.

Why would you insist your partners fit a specific checklist that is the same for all of them, that is like playing a broken record and thinking that if you change the turntable the problem with the record will be fixed. No honey you gotta switch up the record.

NoTroop  ·  2531 days ago  ·  link  ·  

I'm not ruling it out based on one person though. I have seriously never seen a redheaded person who I find attractive. I would therefore absolutely say that I wouldn't date a redheaded person. You're making my argument out to be if I find one person in that group that I'm not attracted to, I wouldn't be attracted to any of them. I'm saying I have never found ANYONE who has red hair attractive enough to date. I'm not creating a model that someone needs to fit.

In fact, if one day I did find someone who was blonde, or red haired, or taller than me who I did find attractive I may date them, but right now I feel like it is completely fair for me to say I wouldn't date someone with red or blonde hair or someone who is taller than I am. Just the same way I would say I wouldn't date a guy. I'm just not attracted to men.