Great post lil, it hit home for me. My closest friend from childhood is diagnosed manic-depressive. Up until he was about 22 years old he seemed fine. Then he started changing slightly. He had suffered some losses, a girl that he had fell madly in love with was raped and subsequently died from internal complications that went undiagnosed after the rape. He was, understandably, a mess. He never really recovered from that. He used to be a guy that was a lot of fun to be around (a ton of fun), and well balanced. Now he is either Mr. Party -go, go, go or he is so depressed he will not leave his home. I got him a job when we were about 25 as a restaurant manager at a nice place. He was let go. I got him another job as a sales representative for a large food distribution company. -He was let go. Eventually, you realize that it's not worth recommending him anymore. He knows he has a mental illness and that he needs treatment, but it's a vicious cycle. He goes to therapy, but then once he feels better he stops going and eventually stops taking his meds and starts drinking and doing coke etc. I came home to MI last year and he looked like he weighed 100lb's and he was talking a mile a minute. Then I'll come back 6 months later and all was well. He will be paranoid delusional one visit and completely the old "him" the next. It's rough. His mother will call me when he's really bad and ask for my help. One time I was at my brothers wedding in Mexico and spent considerable time on the phone with her because she was so concerned about his mental state. She is who I really feel for throughout this whole thing. He's a great guy and I love him, but it's not the easiest friendship. I never know what I'm going to get. But when I get my old friend, it's great. You've inspired me, I'm going to give him a call. Good luck with Chip, there is only so much you can do.
It's difficult to decouple depression, anxiety, bipolar, and overwhelming antisocial feelings, but here is a helpful quote from Psychiatric Tales (Which I recommend):Have you been in a situation like this? What happened?
...my advice would be this: as well as taking medication and seeking support from friends and family, a sufferer of depression should not feel shame or believe they are worthless. Look deep into yourself for the qualities you need to survive. Your talents, hopes, dreams, and desires, because these are the things which will save you.
There is only minimization of collateral damage.
That's for sure. Being a child of a mentally ill person, diagnosed or undiagnosed, is difficult and painful. As a friend, I can still walk away. If the person is a parent, a lot of damage is done before you even realize what's going on, and walking away is often not an option. Strangely thinking about my current and past closest friends
M - schizophrenic mother, hospitalized when he was 8 (after 7 babies)
J - mother personality disorder, undiagnosed, etc.
T - mother attempted suicide
N - mother depressed
and so on.... yikes... are they my close friends because of parental mental illness? Makes me wonder...
It certainly gives you a different perspective than some people. How long have you had those friends? 'cuz my close friends were made in High School and College when I was busy trying to learn what having a family was like. Your family may have been the same for them.
when I was busy trying to learn what having a family was like
Good point - yes, children of, shall I say, "differently nurturing" parents are trying to learn what having a family is like and will go where the kindness seems to be. I can definitely think of two people from my childhood who fell in with us looking for something more family-like. It certainly gives you a different perspective than some people.
The people who become my friends, both then and now, seem to be people who have a different perspective. Some may have learned to survive less than optimum parenting. Other friends earned their different perspectives by being or feeling marginalized in one way or another. What about you? Would you say your closest friends have any common features?
Don't say "differently nurturing." My mother sucked at it. "Most mommies will tell their little babies that they love them even when they're mad but I'm not most mommies and if you don't stay out of my way I will fucking kill you." My father, apparently, started referring to his wife as "the youngest of his three children" about the time I turned eight. Didn't find that out until last year. So don't gild the lily. Some people are shitty parents. It teaches you to read people well. I would say that the one common feature all my friends have is honesty and trustworthiness.
Do you find yourself placing a lesser value on your own needs than the needs of the people in your life that have these issues?
That's great to hear, I would never suggest otherwise.