There is only minimization of collateral damage.
That's for sure. Being a child of a mentally ill person, diagnosed or undiagnosed, is difficult and painful. As a friend, I can still walk away. If the person is a parent, a lot of damage is done before you even realize what's going on, and walking away is often not an option. Strangely thinking about my current and past closest friends
M - schizophrenic mother, hospitalized when he was 8 (after 7 babies)
J - mother personality disorder, undiagnosed, etc.
T - mother attempted suicide
N - mother depressed
and so on.... yikes... are they my close friends because of parental mental illness? Makes me wonder...
It certainly gives you a different perspective than some people. How long have you had those friends? 'cuz my close friends were made in High School and College when I was busy trying to learn what having a family was like. Your family may have been the same for them.
when I was busy trying to learn what having a family was like
Good point - yes, children of, shall I say, "differently nurturing" parents are trying to learn what having a family is like and will go where the kindness seems to be. I can definitely think of two people from my childhood who fell in with us looking for something more family-like. It certainly gives you a different perspective than some people.
The people who become my friends, both then and now, seem to be people who have a different perspective. Some may have learned to survive less than optimum parenting. Other friends earned their different perspectives by being or feeling marginalized in one way or another. What about you? Would you say your closest friends have any common features?
Don't say "differently nurturing." My mother sucked at it. "Most mommies will tell their little babies that they love them even when they're mad but I'm not most mommies and if you don't stay out of my way I will fucking kill you." My father, apparently, started referring to his wife as "the youngest of his three children" about the time I turned eight. Didn't find that out until last year. So don't gild the lily. Some people are shitty parents. It teaches you to read people well. I would say that the one common feature all my friends have is honesty and trustworthiness.
Do you find yourself placing a lesser value on your own needs than the needs of the people in your life that have these issues?
That's great to hear, I would never suggest otherwise.