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comment by ButterflyEffect
ButterflyEffect  ·  45 days ago  ·  link  ·    ·  parent  ·  post: Pubski: December 21, 2022

Thank you for engaging in this conversation, lil! As always, I learn something from you. This is a profound statement you just wrote:

    If monogamy is not based on the desire and joy in being together, then it’s control.

Security & control are absolutely related, and even last night as we began this conversation, I told her that I am open to this if it's done in a way that protects my security in feeling desire & excitement towards me/us from her.

    She may want to do more exploring than you feel comfortable with - if that’s the case, figure out the roots of your discomfort- which is probably insecurity, which leads to control.

    Still, time with others is time not with you.

It's absolutely insecurity because it is time purposefully spent romantically with others, sex doesn't necessarily need to be exclusive, but I think that is a big hangup for me and something worth thinking through. Trust is also something on my mind - is there the level of trust that she can, if she wants to, engage in exploring sex in a way that doesn't always involve me, that it does not result in a romantic pursuit of someone else or the questioning of our romance. Is that controlling. Hm.

lil  ·  45 days ago  ·  link  ·  

I agree essentially with kb. If you’re vulnerable, you mght say, “come back after you’ve done your exploring.” That’s respectful, loving, and self-protecting.

Or just continue deepening the fun and closeness and base the “relationship” on the shared experiences of feeling heard, understood, and enjoyed. Live the relationship in real time.

I suspect that you putting contingencies on her exploring (like the ones you mentioned above) would feel controlling to her. It would be like YOU telling HER the parameters of her self-exploration.

Totally and genuinely accept her current presenting self as her best understanding of herself now. Find fun and personal growth in the situation as it is.

Have a great dinner tonight!!