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comment by lil
lil  ·  44 days ago  ·  link  ·    ·  parent  ·  post: Pubski: December 21, 2022  ·  

bfx, the important thing is to have fun now, to deepen your relationship now, and continue being honest and open about fears and feelings. “Now” is all that’s real.

I went through three long relationships and two (too) long marriages before I stumbled across my current partner and and for the first time didn’t want to be with anyone else.

I was sixty-fucking-three when I got it, that monogamy is just wanting to have the best time with someone you like — not externally imposed.

Prior to now in my life, monogamy was just another word for controlling. If monogamy is not based on the desire and joy in being together, then it’s control. Good for her that she’s exploring her feelings about sex and sexuality. She may want to do more exploring than you feel comfortable with - if that’s the case, figure out the roots of your discomfort- which is probably insecurity, which leads to control.

Still, time with others is time not with you.

Having a “relationship” or an imagined “future” with someone does not replace the necessity of also having to have a life.





ButterflyEffect  ·  44 days ago  ·  link  ·  

Thank you for engaging in this conversation, lil! As always, I learn something from you. This is a profound statement you just wrote:

    If monogamy is not based on the desire and joy in being together, then it’s control.

Security & control are absolutely related, and even last night as we began this conversation, I told her that I am open to this if it's done in a way that protects my security in feeling desire & excitement towards me/us from her.

    She may want to do more exploring than you feel comfortable with - if that’s the case, figure out the roots of your discomfort- which is probably insecurity, which leads to control.

    Still, time with others is time not with you.

It's absolutely insecurity because it is time purposefully spent romantically with others, sex doesn't necessarily need to be exclusive, but I think that is a big hangup for me and something worth thinking through. Trust is also something on my mind - is there the level of trust that she can, if she wants to, engage in exploring sex in a way that doesn't always involve me, that it does not result in a romantic pursuit of someone else or the questioning of our romance. Is that controlling. Hm.

lil  ·  44 days ago  ·  link  ·  

I agree essentially with kb. If you’re vulnerable, you mght say, “come back after you’ve done your exploring.” That’s respectful, loving, and self-protecting.

Or just continue deepening the fun and closeness and base the “relationship” on the shared experiences of feeling heard, understood, and enjoyed. Live the relationship in real time.

I suspect that you putting contingencies on her exploring (like the ones you mentioned above) would feel controlling to her. It would be like YOU telling HER the parameters of her self-exploration.

Totally and genuinely accept her current presenting self as her best understanding of herself now. Find fun and personal growth in the situation as it is.

Have a great dinner tonight!!