Whether it's the wishes that I have or the things that I have to do, I don't have it in me to do much good for myself right now.
I've been spending three days in a row doing next to nothing. Sure, I took a walk - which I don't do often despite them doing me good - and I cooked some chicken breasts, but nowhere near the list of things I better be doing.
I have to learn a semester's worth of grammar in a month (and be able to present it), make a presentation for the Safety Basics class (which is us talking about how terrifying the world is and providing examples to prove it - nothing of actual use) about stuff I'm not even remotely familiar with, get a list of words together for Language Practice and learn it, get my Latin together again and, most importantly, finally get to washing my stuff.
On top of that, I have to write posts for my blog, write stuff, look into savings and working out again, keep cooking (a particularly tedious task for me) or waste money on overpriced ready meals I can do myself for half a price... I can't keep my sleeping schedule because I don't feel like sleeping at 11 PM because, hey, I'm not tired! why? because I didn't do anything! So I wake up at 9 AM, groggy, slow, moody and empty, energy-wise.
Shit seemingly crumbled onto me all at once, and I don't have it in me to do anything about it. I feel like lying in bed, eating sweets and watching TV shows, but the reality disagrees with my desires because I have shit to keep up. Ever since beginning to run I've been getting my shit together - finally got the Grammar stuff figured out, months after my first opportunity to, restarted learning German like I wanted to, started looking into better living... Is this some sort of withdrawal from the time I didn't have the energy to do those things? and now that I do, the sheer scope of what I can achieve drives me back into the hole where I resided for so long even though I don't have to do it all at once?
I have no idea what to do. I don't have any money for sweets which would at least alleviate some of the feeling, nor do I have someone to keep me company during this down state. Things finally look brighter to me, and I don't have it in me to chase them.
Pick one manageable sized thing to do today. DO it. check it off your list. basically what elizabeth said. after you do this, if you feel up to it, do another thing - but no pressure, you did your thing for the day. Also, re studying: Put your grammar notes in the bathroom. You're not doing anything else important with your consciousness while you're in there.
the first day, the goal might be "write out a list of manageable goals". There you go, you did the thing. I have to do this to myself. my list of things for the day: get bloodwork done practice music for orchestra concert on the weekend edit my paper for 1 hour do laundry make my bed practice the viola da gamba they're all pretty manageable, and have an end point goal, a stop point. I'm not just nebulously editing my paper, i'm working on it for an hour. I'm not just practicing my bass music, I'm running through the stuff for the concert. the only nebulous one is the gamba practice, and that's because it's "for fun".
Marinate pork fajita strip
this is a viola da gamba It's like a cello and a guitar had sex. in fact, it's one of the ancestors of the modern guitar, and the modern double bass.
naw, that's this guy: Joel Quarrington is... a gift.
It sounds like you might be overwhelmed. I get that during midterms when there is just too much to do and I decide the best solution is to avoid my problems by taking a nap. What I found helps: do a list of everything you have to do. Then, go through the list and write the ONE first step for each thing. "writing a paper about XYZ" seems daunting but "find and read 3 articles on XYZ in database" is a much more actionable thing that will help you get started. It might not be that, but it sounds familiar to some feelings i get sometimes. Good luck :)
I'm new to reading about the things you're going through, so forgive me if you've already explained this. Why are you doing all these things? Is there a bigger plan to all of this? I have to admit that I got tired reading your list of stuff to do also. It seems like a lot. I used to love school and learning, so I would have energy for that, but the rest would have me down too. If you don't like school, that's even harder. Would it motivate you to do something if your reward were to lie in bed watching TV shows for at least a little while? Is there any other way to take at least an emotional break? It sounds like you're doing a lot and then expecting even more when that's done. I'm familiar with some of the feelings you're having, so I hope that things get better for you.
I'm glad that you're thinking about things. A word of caution: try not to globalize the questions too much. Why am I doing this? will quickly turn into What am I doing with my life? which can quickly turn into Why am I even here? Those are unanswerable questions. Spending too much time on unanswerable questions just makes one's head hurt. If you can, try to break down the question into smaller tasks or areas. Some thoughts on doing things you don't want to do. These tips are from Martha Beck (a lifecoach who has written a lot of books). Make a list of specific things you don't like doing. Then better it, barter it or bag it (the three B's). Barter means to trade the task with a friend. Can you have someone cook for you if you do their cleaning (or some task you like better)? Better it means to look at it differently and see if you can change the nature of the task. Can you make cooking more fun for yourself by learning easier techniques or changing the things you cook or the way you're cooking it? Bag it simply means to let it go. If you decide to bag cooking and just get ready made meals, can you find the money for it somewhere else in your budget? You might enjoy this youtube video by Noah Elkrief on depression and how to deal with the things when you don't enjoy anything. You might also like his video on procrastination. He has a different take on those topics that I haven't heard before.
I was thinking you might be able to kill two birds with one stone if you consider watching youtube as watching TV. You could watch some youtube channels on making cooking easier, if you haven't already. There's Brothers Green Eats. It's a channel where a couple brothers use inexpensive ingredients to cook up some easy stuff. You might also want to check out r/studentfood , r/eatcheapandhealthy, and r/mealprepsunday for some ideas on how to cut down on cooking time while still getting delicious and nutritious food.