Im... okay? It's a pretty seriously mixed bag right now. I am doing a lot for myself, going on walks, eating better, not drinking, going to counseling, talking to old friends. I feel like I'm mentally getting to a better place, which is good. But physically, I feel worse than I have in a long time. I don't know how much of it is related to the breakup, and how much of it is just the changes in diet and exercise. I have had to call out of work the past two days, which I hate. I would really like to be pre-occupied right now, but that's just not working out. I also did a dumb thing. I sent a letter explaining my feelings to my (now) ex. Honestly, almost all of it is me wishing her the best in whatever she does, and telling her that I am taking steps to become better myself. But I still feel like such an idiot for sending it, and worse, I feel like I'm becoming a cliche clingy ex. Sigh. I've deleted her contact from my phone, so now I have to cave and ask one of my roommates if I want to talk to her again, which I think will keep me in line. On the plus side, it's finally getting warm enough out to go biking, so I think I'll bike to the local Audubon today if I feel up to it. UPDATE: 8:51 PM - BEST CASE SCENARIO HAPPENED. Well, second best, maybe. I just got an email back from my Ex, who had a lot of really nice things to say. She said that she really appreciated the letter, and is doing well right now. She also earnestly wants to keep me a present part of her life, but still not dating for a while. Which, honestly, I am totally happy with. I am thankful for my alone time right now, I think it is helping me grow a lot, and I don't think I would be ready to get back into a relationship just yet anyway. Also, I did in fact go for a bike ride / bird walk. 8 mile ride, 4 mile walk, all just a little too cold, but worth it to get outside for once.
The break-up changes you physically. I lost 12 pounds the first month after my who's-crying-now ex dumped me. Also drinking less or not at all changes you. Also there are so many bugs around. Meanwhile, the letter is sent. It's important to write it and to write a lot: sending it? meh? Write your feelings when you feel like it. Put her name at the top of the page if these are things you want to say to her, then save the letter in drafts. Read it five years from now. It's hard and painful, but I think the human being is built to get over it. Eventually.
Thanks lil, I've been writing down a running log of things I want to say to her, it has been helping me a lot with organizing my thoughts and letting out negative energy. Even just looking back at writing from the past few days, it's amazing to see how much my feelings have been fluctuating. It's nice to see what feels like progress.
I think it's perfectly normal to cave like that. I called my ex something like once a month for several months. And when she picked up five months later, and asked how I was doing, I went off about how terribly I had been holding up since we broke up. Not the strong, graceful exit that I would love to tell my kid about when he or she asks, "Papa, what did you when you went through that awful, no good, really bad break up?" But I think that's ok. We really are not robots. Hold tight.