...anxiously.
I came to the appointment fifteen minutes early just to make sure and spent some time pacing around the door so as to not interrupt the possible session-in-progress (I wouldn't have, since there was no other client present). During this pacing, I had things come to my mind about leaving the appointment (which wasn't prepaid), but I clenched my fist and waited patiently. About five minutes before 3 PM I knocked on the door and came in.
The Psychological Service room was a small one in the "dungeon" part of the main building. It consisted of a corridor with a computer at the end of it, an arch nearby the computer and what appears to have been an isolation room at some point, what with the metal door. That part alone didn't feel comfortable, but there were things to compensate for the feeling of pressure of the walls, if just a bit: framed pictures with not much relatedness, a big soft sofa of pale yellow color, a small wooden table with a complete puzzle of a majestic tiger on top, a big rug beneath it all.
...interestingly.
The psychologist, Anna, was a young woman - my guess is she's not much older than myself. Around her, I felt even more defensive than I usually do, partly because of the manner in which she spoke to me - she did her best to act a friend and put both of us on the same level, which I didn't take well, preferring to treat her as a professional - and partly because she's a psychologist - which means that she would have the means to discern my personality, and I'm a very private person.
Still, we talked, and I told her about one of the problems that came to mind - a mild one to start with: my relationships with people in my immediate surroundings, i.e. my uni group. I feel like I went on tangents I didn't want to go but felt pressed to; my guess is that the pressure was from within, not from without, since when I talked about my issues with my friends, no such tension was present in the air. We finished half an hour early because I didn't feel like taking it further.
...okay.
It isn't to say that the session was a bust. I did learn a few things of interest, both about the type of psychologist that I want - someone older than me but not too old (say, ten to fifteen years older), for one - and about myself and others. Those were things I feel I could have gathered from a talk with a friend but were important nonetheless. I won't go into details (at least for now) since I'm still in the defensive rebound and amn't sure how much I want to share about myself right now.
Anna treating me as a friend felt like I've been forced into a contact more intimate than I'd like, but I felt too uncomfortable (anxious and stressed) to discuss it with her. I may have come across as distant and unresponsive, which both would be fair views of my behavior, and in both of those lie the nature of my problem. I've been for a long time having the hardest time of letting people near me; Anna didn't know me well but she said that she felt a certain distance between us immediately; we weren't able to delve into details of it.
...uncertainly.
I'm not sure if I'm going to take another shot at therapy soon. Maybe it's the person on the other end or maybe it's me, but I felt like I could have made the same progress in other ways, even if it would have taken me a bit more time. I'd like to think of myself as an introspective person and I've made significant progress on my own so far.
If I do decide to take another shot at it soon, I'm not sure whether to come to Anna again or find another person. For all my discomfort, it felt good talking to a person about my problems, and she has been respectful and compassionate enough about it.
Either way. Thank you guys for all the support and all the kind words. I'm doing my best to show my appreciation, even if I'm not always at best about doing it.
*sigh*
Let's see how this goes.
It's important to find somebody your comfortable with but on the other hand if opening up is uncomfortable that may unfortunately linger with other therapists. Just something to keep in mind because you may come across someone who is great and you don't want that anxiousness to put you off sticking with them. It's kind of like when someone has social anxiety, in order to really fix that they have to socialize despite the anxiety. It's important for those people to understand if they feel anxious and don't want to go out with people it's likely the right thing to do. So in your case if you feel anxious with opening up to people you should know that keeping with it despite that feeling whether that's with this therapist or a different one is already a big victory towards your goals.
There are all sorts of platitudes I could quote about how 'the longest journey begins with a single step.' and things similar to that. I'll stick to basics. I'm glad that you recognized your need to see a counselor. I'm glad that you followed through on the desire to see one. I'm glad you were able to recognize things that you do and do not want, things you do and do not like about the experience. I suggest finding somebody new if you didn't 'click' with Anna. I have heard stories from friends who have had to go through lots of counselors to find someone who they felt they could really work with on the important issues.
Thanks, Ben. Like I said, I'm going to think about it. I, too, have heard people picking from a number of therapists they've visited to find, in the end, the one that works best for them. It was interesting to experience this from inside rather than read about it.I suggest finding somebody new if you didn't 'click' with Anna.
While I did wish you the best in your first session - I did have a feeling it would go like this, uneasy, perhaps a little forced in the interactions from both parties? Obviously Anna does want to help you; but a common issue I've heard from people who have tried therapy is that the therapist are quite literally being paid to talk to you about your issues and to help you find a solution - apparently it can remove some of the "natural" interaction you might have been aiming for, despite it never coming up in conversation with the therapist. Even some people who learn my degree was in Psych (just a BSc nothing too intense) clam up a little and they say they don't want me "trying to figure them out" - so I think your unease about opening up with someone who can and will try and discern your personality is pretty common. Even though my usual response to people who say that to me is "I don't have the training for that" and if I like them "And you aren't that interesting anyway". My therapist was a lovely lady named Julianne - When this was initially organized I went online, found the team I wanted to go into therapy with and decided she had a warm smile. Terrible way to go about it some might say but it worked wonders. She was very engaging, but I talked a lot. Like, a huge amount - she would occasionally take notes when I got onto a new subject but it was me just going into tangents (as you've described) and her painting a picture of my history and experiences and what led me to needing therapy. However, I'm proud of you for doing it. It's harder than many would believe and now you have some experience to pull from. Message me again sometime man, we've talked about many things - I was hoping to discuss music with you next! Just remember, even strangers are proud of you and want you to succeed. You must be an alright guy.
Contrary to what I've expected, that was not what I felt when I came in. It felt, instead, as if I hired a professional to deal with the issues I'm having - similar to hiring a plumber to deal with the bathroom issues or a programmer to deal with coding issues. I guess it's no surprise that I didn't feel very open; it was a dissonance between "just help me deal with the problem" and "I gotta tell you things about myself that I don't usually tell to anyone but my friends". I think that I'd be more open with you than with any given psychologist given our first meeting because you'd be a friend, BSc or no BSc. Having someone emphasized as educated about the human psyche as I am would make me feel more open, whether you actually have this kind of education. I'll message you at some point. I sometimes leave some messages to later because I don't have the mental capacity to reply at a given point, and it just lazes into passivity with time. It doesn't mean I'm not interested - just that I'm a bit stuck, mentally. I'll be fine, just need some time out. That part is still odd to me: people I don't know feel good about my progress. But... I guess I understand that, given that I do feel that about others as well, and I guess it's alright. I appreciate people taking time to address me with congratulations and support, and I like to do the same to those whom I respect even a little bit. It makes sense internally, so I guess there's no fault at having it being addressed onto me.a common issue I've heard from people who have tried therapy is that the therapist are quite literally being paid to talk to you about your issues and to help you find a solution
Just remember, even strangers are proud of you and want you to succeed. You must be an alright guy.
Looks like everybody else has provided you with some solid insight. All I want to say is that therapy is a journey, not a pill. You won't even begin to get the real benefits until you have seen the person 10 times or so. It will FEEL like you have made progress, but you haven't actually gotten into the meat of the issue. That takes time, dedication (on your part, and your therapist's part), and a relationship. Good luck with the journey, my friend.