Growing up, I often found myself in this conflict. I'm either accused of caring too much of myself and not the feelings of others or asked why I can't use my head and think for myself.
If I put my feelings first, I will be considered someone who doesn't care about the well being of others and acting selfishly on desires without thinking of the consequences for my own actions.
But then if I put the needs and opinions of others before my own, it would label me as someone who is so insecure that they need to seek approval of others just to have a sense of worth rather than someone who believes in themselves.
Often times I hear the phrase "You shouldn't care about what others think of you. What matters is what you think of yourself. You can't make everyone happy."
Seconds later, I watch interviews of mourning loved ones mention how the victim was someone who never thought of themselves, that they always put others first.
Is it possible to have a balanced mind set of this?
Also an afterthought, while it's easy to disregard a stranger or even an acquaintance's accusations, it's more difficult to escape it when it comes from your family or friends.
People telling you to think of others first are usually trying to suppress your individuality and the deviations from their script. They're urging you to fulfill a particular role, the role they think according to The Script that you should fill. And this frustrates them. For example, you're supposed to settle down, thus taking on responsibility for thinking about a spouse and their well-being, or you're supposed to have kids and give up yourself for their sake. Sometimes they are so adamant about The Script because it's the route in their life they took, and they seriously begrudge anyone who is not currently equally devoted to spouse/kids/ailing parents/whatever else. It's the version of the elder's "In MY day...!" that your contemporary can roll out. But at the same time, these same people want excuses to break from the restrictions of The Script, because face it, The Script sucks. They want to go spend time making themselves happy, but it's not in The Script. So they use you as a way to give themselves permission. "You need to take care of YOU!" is opening themselves up an opportunity to say "Well, if THEY get to look after themselves, then so do I!". But of course, don't go doing this without their blessing; if you do that, you're totally flaunting it and need to be put in your place, see paragraph 1. Social rules are complicated.
This is such a huge question and so widely debated because there is no one answer. A guiding principal I use for my life is "if no one knew you did something, would you still do it?" That is, are you acting selfless for the admiration of others? Are you acting selfish because others might judge or take advantage of you? If so, it's my opinion that you're letting dictate your life. There's nothing inherently wrong with that, you get to live as you choose even if that means going along with others, but if it's causing you distress then following your own course might be a better option. At one point in my life I tried to harden myself a bit. Focusing more on my self and less on others because I thought that was what adults were supposed to do. And while some people did admire me for personal keenness, I didn't admire myself. I was stopping myself during private acts of kindness or accommodation for fear that people would see me and judge me and condemn my supposed weakness and it hurt me every time I did it. It was an act that eliminated the appearance of weakness in exchange for the growth of an actual weakness. It was a good experience in some ways, I learned to draw lines and how to say no. But now I do those nice things and let the few bad seeds take advantage of me, because I have the peace of mind to know that I let that happen of my own accord, instead of forcing people to take it only after cracking a cold hard shell.
Don't put the opinions of a generalized "other" first, that's true. But listen to the opinions of those you respect, and re-examine often if the people you choose to respect are the right people for the job. If one of those people were to die today, would people come to their funeral simply to be seen at the funeral of someone well-known or high up in some hierarchy... or would they come to that funeral to talk about their wisdom, their quiet contributions to society, the way they made time for others, rarely complained, worked with their hands, or welcomed everyone and anyone into their home? As I grow older, I find individuality, and my desperate greedy scrabbling for it, to have been over-rated. The cult of The Individual (which does have intellectually interesting roots) offers merely linear rewards. (Perhaps I was not Individual enough?) But somehow, doing things for others, noticing others (really noticing, as in quieting your own thoughts in order to reframe your mind to imagine being another person) as part of everyday life, caring for people who may have no opportunity to return that care in the future -- there is just something exponentially more satisfying about it, though perhaps only when you are choosing it for yourself. Perhaps it is because I don't worry so much about my identity -- without my sense of self at risk, I'm much more free to choose to do what I want, and increasingly I do not choose the things and people that promise "happiness". (Which is not entirely subjective, but can be broken down into components that may matter more or less to you.) That said, it takes bitter experience to recover from giving to toxic souls. Some people stay bitter the rest of their lives. I have to fight that same bitterness. Its value on the Internet as "life experience street cred" is not worth the harm of holding on to it. (Do you know that giving gifts is a form of asserting power and reinforcing hierarchy? So you must also think on what it means to give to people, what is given, what is really received in return.) Being a grownup sucks, sometimes, even often. I say it a lot, jokingly. But even as I say it, the truth, that is mine and mine alone, is that I am free. So free. So lucky! Everywhere that I look, I find a person on whom I can bestow a smile or ask about their day or do a little extra work for. You just have to find your own answer, but usually when you do, it turns out it was blindingly obvious all along.
You grow up. It's a challenge now because as a young/immature one, you are self centered. But when maturing a good deal the center of your life becomes other people and then your feelings are most satisfied when taking care of others and giving them the space they need.
When I was younger, despite how much I tried to be nice to people, and was generally a good person, I eventually noticed a pattern in which I flitted through relationships. From time to time, people would be generous toward me, help me out, be stellar good people that I'll remember forever. But I rarely did the same. A few years ago, I did closer thinking on this, and realized it was still happening: I was mostly on the receiving end of help, but rarely helped others in the same way. I had valid reasons for doing so (was a transient wanderer for much of my life), but I didn't want to be like that anymore, and eventually realized that the thing preventing me from helping others as they've helped me was stability. I then did a lot of work on training myself to have a more stable life, and I notice now I'm much more appreciative of other people, I have healthier relationships, and communicate more positively.
It's certainly a tricky issue. I guess it's a core juxtaposition of the human condition: to live peacefully as an individual and within society simultaneously. I think it's partly down to the dichotomy you've created. On one hand you become a self-centred asshole, on the other you starting losing personal meaning. Both are unhealthy in isolation. So the solution must be somewhere in the middle, right? Perhaps, but it could be beneficial to think of this relationship not as a balancing act but rather a unity. Can't you do what you want whilst also being conscious of other people's feelings? Thinking of others is about considering how your actions will make them feel and seeing if that is morally just to you, rather than dwelling on how they want you to specifically act. If you think "I want to do 'x' thing this week/month/year" you don't have to then consider whether that lines up with what you think a friend or family member wants you to do. Instead you think about how you go about achieving this desire whilst causing the least friction with those around you. Sometimes this is easy, other times it is stressful. Sometimes you deem it worthwhile to go ahead with your desire, other times you may seek to comprise or disregard it. It depends on the nature of the choice and the people it affects. In this way, whatever you decide is a result of thinking for yourself whilst simultaneously thinking of others. It's not about which one comes first but about that unity. And the nature of that unity is personal to you. Because it is not about reducing it to "what would a good person do," as if there's some abstract behavioural definition that can surmise it in a nice package. What is important are your personal characteristics that give meaning to your behaviour. Your attitudes, perspectives, moral judgements, imagination and intuition. At the end of the day, this what friends and family love you for. Maybe that's the actual problem here. We view other's qualities as coming out of their actions. "Joe did 'x' therefore he is thoughtful." That is how we build up images of people in our heads. So when it comes to ourselves, we then think 'how do I act in a way shows I have 'x' characteristic'. But in reality it's the other way round. Your actions are born and come out of the qualities listed above. So what's my conclusion to these rambling? I'm not entirely certain I have one. Like, amouseinmyhouse said, there's no clear answer to this question. Hopefully it's not 'just be yourself!" That helps no-one. I guess it's about building yourself to be a human in which the qualities you desire, and of which your actions arise, are inhabited. 'Fake it till you make it' does not apply in this case. Don't seek to act like a good person, but to build yourself as a good person. The right actions will then follow more naturally.
For me, the answer has been to give others the benefit of the doubt. Do what you can for them in a golden rule sort of way and expect the same from them. If they don't reciprocate then they aren't worth your time. Everyone is better off if we all look out for each other. Then you take care of yourself too fill in the gaps. Surround yourself with people who share this mentality and you've built a community.