It's certainly a tricky issue. I guess it's a core juxtaposition of the human condition: to live peacefully as an individual and within society simultaneously.

I think it's partly down to the dichotomy you've created. On one hand you become a self-centred asshole, on the other you starting losing personal meaning. Both are unhealthy in isolation. So the solution must be somewhere in the middle, right? Perhaps, but it could be beneficial to think of this relationship not as a balancing act but rather a unity.

Can't you do what you want whilst also being conscious of other people's feelings? Thinking of others is about considering how your actions will make them feel and seeing if that is morally just to you, rather than dwelling on how they want you to specifically act. If you think "I want to do 'x' thing this week/month/year" you don't have to then consider whether that lines up with what you think a friend or family member wants you to do. Instead you think about how you go about achieving this desire whilst causing the least friction with those around you.

Sometimes this is easy, other times it is stressful. Sometimes you deem it worthwhile to go ahead with your desire, other times you may seek to comprise or disregard it. It depends on the nature of the choice and the people it affects. In this way, whatever you decide is a result of thinking for yourself whilst simultaneously thinking of others. It's not about which one comes first but about that unity. And the nature of that unity is personal to you.

Because it is not about reducing it to "what would a good person do," as if there's some abstract behavioural definition that can surmise it in a nice package. What is important are your personal characteristics that give meaning to your behaviour. Your attitudes, perspectives, moral judgements, imagination and intuition. At the end of the day, this what friends and family love you for.

Maybe that's the actual problem here. We view other's qualities as coming out of their actions. "Joe did 'x' therefore he is thoughtful." That is how we build up images of people in our heads. So when it comes to ourselves, we then think 'how do I act in a way shows I have 'x' characteristic'. But in reality it's the other way round. Your actions are born and come out of the qualities listed above.

So what's my conclusion to these rambling? I'm not entirely certain I have one. Like, amouseinmyhouse said, there's no clear answer to this question. Hopefully it's not 'just be yourself!" That helps no-one. I guess it's about building yourself to be a human in which the qualities you desire, and of which your actions arise, are inhabited. 'Fake it till you make it' does not apply in this case. Don't seek to act like a good person, but to build yourself as a good person. The right actions will then follow more naturally.