I wonder how representative this is of the dating population as a whole, especially in regard to black women. I still haven't tried online dating, but from the outside it really seems like because people can see pictures and read bios, that their fantasy person seems more achievable. It's kind of strange though, that there is no mention of Latinos, although perhaps that's because they're not so easy to pin down by race.
I have dated American girls and Vietnamese girls, but never an Asian American girl, unless the 1/4 Chinese girl I dated counts. Yeah, there are differences but not any kind of "Geisha" thing. The Viet girls I've dated have been very attentive, but they also had certain cultural expectations, like that I would want to marry and live out my life in Vietnam, hold down a good job and in general bring home the bacon, which over there means turning control of the finances over to them because finances are generally overseen by the wives. This would also mean that I would take care of their extended families and spend lots of time with them. As an Asian guy, I get that. As an American, that's not necessarily how I want my life to go.
Again, those are broad strokes. The American girls I've dated generally wanted me to be more involved with their friends and spending time with extended family is ok once in a while, but not expected to play a large role in our lives. That's fine too, as most of my extended family lives abroad. However, as a guy that is from both worlds, I'd really like to meet someone who like me, has desires for aspects of both and can relate. Especially after seeing so many family members, both male and female, marry Americans who at family gatherings look like they're drowning and often are annoyed because they are unfamiliar with the dynamic and are unused to being around people whose language they don't speak for long periods of time.
- Especially after seeing so many family members, both male and female, marry Americans who at family gatherings look like they're drowning and often are annoyed because they are unfamiliar with the dynamic and are unused to being around people whose language they don't speak for long periods of time.
Ha. My wife is Chinese, and I hope they never look at me as that guy. My Chinese is pretty awful, but I can't imagine ever being annoyed at the result of my own shortcomings.
Oh, maybe it's not annoyance I'm talking about . . . maybe just trying to make sense of it all? Anyway, Filipinos tend to mix languages in everyday speech, so there are a lot of English words thrown in, enough that it can sometimes feel like one has enough to understand what's being said, though that may or may not be the case.
- I wonder how representative this is of the dating population as a whole, especially in regard to black women.
In their podcast discussion they discuss at length how multiple studies always produce the same statistics. From my perspective, I wonder if it has something more to do with American culture than "black women" broadly. I've noticed anecdotally that more non-black guys date black women in Europe than in America (I haven't seen statistics on this but I'd like to).
Maybe. I'd like to understand this more too. I guess most people dating right now didn't grow up with the blaxploitation movies as that was more of a '70's thing. I do wonder though, if there are a lot of non-black guys on dating sites geared toward black people.
I tried online dating recently just out of curiosity (didn't go only dates, I just wanted to see if it would jive with me) and I found the experience really off-putting. Really the biggest thing I noticed was the lack of information that you get when you look at someone's profile. I'm already a pretty picky person when it comes to dating, and I found that the whole process brought out the worst of that. Beside wanting more information about people (which I'll admit involved a bit of sleuthing) I found that I started judging people on the tiniest things, how their profile picture was taken, the way they wrote their bio, etc. And when I stepped back I thought to myself "Man, I'm dismissing people one really tiny things, and if I met them in irl I would at least consider them for a few days".
I can't say anything certain, and of course all of this is anecdotal, but I wonder if this is where the dismissal of black women comes from. Because there is so little to go on, you start inferring all of this other stuff from stereotypes, cultural context, where they are from and anything else that might be a clue into their personality. Personally I hate that I started thinking that way.
- I found that I started judging people on the tiniest things, how their profile picture was taken, the way they wrote their bio, etc. And when I stepped back I thought to myself "Man, I'm dismissing people one really tiny things, and if I met them in irl I would at least consider them for a few days".
How many dates did your online dating experience produce? I'm curious, because a lot of people say they try online dating, but in reality they were just curious, made an account, and kicked some tires and never dated anyone. It sounds like you didn't go on any dates, but not exactly sure what you meant by "didn't go only dates".
Story time:
I consider myself a decent looking guy (Posted my pic on here before, feel free to judge me harshly http://hubski.com/pub?id=112344), fairly fit, and on paper I'm fairly successful. I had no problems getting dates in the real world, but I did an online dating stint one summer on kind of a whim, and because meeting girls at the bar never lasted more than a few nights, and I'm not one to date women at work. Plus I work for an IT company, so 99% of my co-workers are white bearded men. I was 29 at the time, so I wasn't as surrounded by girls my age as I used to be. It became a lot harder to meet single women my age, as many were married and had kids, or weren't hanging out at the places I did. I got dates and laid quite a bit, but nothing lasting, and that's what I was looking for. Figured maybe with online dating sites I would at least know a little about them before going into it. Right?
I went on 12 first dates from online dating sites, mostly from Match, a couple from OKC. What I noticed, personally, was that all of the horror stories seemed to not be true. I didn't have anyone show up who used fake pictures, everyone was, for the most part, pretty fun, smart, good looking, and successful, and it was overall a very good experience.
I went out with mostly white girls, as I'm a white guy myself, but had 3 different dates with Asian girls, one I actually dated for a few weeks, and I did go out with a black girl a few times, who messaged me first. All of the girls turned out to be more attractive than their pictures, and I got along with all of them better than expected. There's a lot more detail in a profile then you'd get by simply gazing across a bar at someone in a club, so I think the mind tends to start making up excuses to not want to go out with someone. "Eww they like THAT band?", "OMG they think that cowboy hat in that picture is cool?", "They work retail?" etc. It was easy to let the mind start dismissing people so easily. I took a very open-minded approach, "If they are good looking, and don't have any MAJOR deal breakers for me, I'd go on a date with them." Major deal breakers being has kids, live with parents, or doesn't have a job. That was honestly about it.
Honestly, it was a really fun experience, and it was all good times that I'll always remember. And without rambling any further or getting into any more details, the 12th girl I went on a date with, about 3 years ago, turned out pretty well. We got married last month and I couldn't be happier.
And I used to be one of those "online dating must be for desperate losers" type people. Now I myself am one of those online dating marriage statistics, and so are a few of my friends. Go figure!
TL;DR: If you give people a chance, and put all pre-judgements aside, you'll be surprised how much they can impress you.
Hmm. I know that the human brain tends to try to pull information from context and without much to go on, I could see what you're describing happening quite easily.
As for stereotypes, from what I've read and from my own experience, white Americans (and non-white Americans) tend to treat Asians a bit differently than Latinos and blacks. For most interactions, I'm generally treated as white unless culture comes into it, presumably because Asian cultures seem so different than the U.S. experience.
Great post! Online dating in general sometimes unfairly gets a bad wrap, but most people don't realize that over 40% of new relationships world-wide are started ONLINE! There are a lot of good paid sites, and a few great free ones if you know where to look. For those who are more interested in Asian singles, the best truly free site we've found is www.Filipino4U.com There are also some good paid sites like Match or eHarmony if you are willing to pay monthly fees.
Maybe because black people created their own dating sites like blackplanet ?